“There is no wrong way to walk. There’s just walking or not walking.” Oh, how I needed to hear that this past week. I was told that by a man at church, Jack, who, at first asked if I needed an arm as I walked out of church on Sunday. When I (politely!) declined, but said he could walk beside me, he did just that. We started talking and he just plain-as-day, matter-of-factly said what he said. God must have known that I needed that. It was just two sentences, but it’s opened my world (so to speak). It doesn’t matter how I walk; it matters that I walk. And I have been doing just that. Don't get me wrong. I want to walk correctly - one foot in front of the other without tripping, slipping or falling. I want my gait to be "normal". BUT - even though my gait is not normal yet - I start and stop, I don't walk "fluidly" all the time, people can probably tell that there is something wrong with me - I'm WALKING.
March 4 marked 1 month of walking with no walker and no cane. One month!!! I realized that not only did I walk without a cane or a walker, but I didn’t fall either! Not once. I didn’t really even trip or slip either. God is so good!
Speaking of walking, re-learning to do so is no small feat and not for the faint of heart. I know why God made it so that we learn to walk when we are young. First, you’ve never walked before, so you don't know about falling and you're pretty much fearless. Second, if you fall, you’re closer to the ground and you have padding (a diaper). Re-learning to walk when you’re 36 is not so easy. I know how falling feels. In my case, relearning to walk correctly is trusting fully that God will keep me upright and safe. If I should fall, it's having faith that God will keep me safe from harm and embarrassment. It's all about trust and just like my lacking patience, I tend to lack trust. God's working in me on this though. Slowly, but surely, I'm trusting more. I'm trusting God, I'm trusting the doctors, I'm trusting the process. I'm trusting.
A new funny thing that I've noticed being cane and walker free is that I have no idea what to do with my arms and hands! I've been so used to either holding the cane or holding onto a walker, that my arms and hands feel awkward now - like they have nothing to keep them occupied. I have a tendency to want to grab a hold of everything I see. I call it "wall-walking". I used to do it all the time before deep brain stimulation. When I wasn't using the walker or cane at home, I'd walk from one wall to the other or from one chair to the other, always reaching out and grabbing whatever I thought would keep me from falling. Now, I don't need nor want to do this, but I find myself (I guess it's muscle memory?) instinctively and automatically doing it. One way I'm trying to train myself not to do this is by crossing my arms. By crossing my arms, I can't reach out for something to grab a hold of. So, if you see me doing this, I'm probably not mad, I'm just trying to train my arms and hands to not reach for a wall. ;) I never in a million years thought I'd have an issue of what to do with my hands and arms while walking. Just another thing to re-learn. ;)
Last Thursday, I was on the phone with my mom and I was complaining about this “cut” I have on my toe on my left foot (the dystonic one). She finally convinced me to go to the doctor about it. I went and saw Dr. Rankin (my internist) the next day. Turns out it’s not a “cut”, but a callous and it’s the area around the callous that’s giving me so much issue. I have a callous because Dr. Rankin diagnosed me with a “hammer toe”. I had heard of that (thanks to all my medical show TV watching), but didn’t really know what it was. He explained it to me (you can Google it if you’d like, but none of the pictures really look like my toe!) and he said that in my case, he thought it was a direct symptom of my dystonia. But I’m not totally convinced of that because I found out my mom has it and my grandfather also had it. However, the conclusion is that he is sending me to an orthopedic doctor to have it looked at. He said that they may say that I need a tendon cut in my toe. When I said, “That’s surgery, right?” he kind of backed down and said I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Maybe the orthopedic doctor will have another way to treat it. So, his office made the referral, now I have to wait on them to call me to set up an appointment. Friday, I was ready to meet the orthopedic doctor and have the surgery all in one day. You do remember that patience is not one of my finer qualities, right?! But I have to wait. I have to wait for them to call and I have to wait for an appointment. The reason I even went to the doctor in the first place over this is because I’m in a lot of pain with it. My toe rubs up against my shoe and sometimes I can barely walk because it hurts so bad. This is not good! I’m trying to re-learn to walk and now I have a toe issue. ;) As I told Dr. Rankin, if it’s not one thing, it’s another! Oh well!
Walking this past week has been slow, but I’m doing it and that’s all that matters. Tonight was somewhat hilarious. Earlier in the day, I had an appointment that I had to leave work for, so when I got back to work, I had to park in the furthest handicap parking space there was as all the others were taken. When I left work tonight, it was rainy and windy. I had my yellow umbrella up and not even half-way to my car, it blew inside out. So I had to deal with walking and trying to wrestle my umbrella right side out again. I was probably a site to see! Someone even got out of their car and asked if I needed help. By that time, the umbrella was down and I was feet from my car, so I told him no. God got me safely to my car without any other “incidents” – haha! I was actually laughing as I got in the car.
I decided not to turn up the electricity in my brain this week. I’m going to see what another week on this level does. It's been a good past week. There were definitely times of struggle, but I think another week on this level of electricity might help even things out. But, really, who knows?! Only God. So, I'll trust Him.
I am so very thankful and so very blessed that as I sit here tonight I can look back over the week that was and know that God protected me every step of the way. I'm growing deeper in my faith and trust in Him and yes, I'm even growing a little in the patience department too. ;) God’s Got This!!
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