Tune-In-Tuesday: July 31, 2018

Hi all! Thanks for stopping by and reading this post! I’ll start right off the bat by saying I’ve had an amazing week filled with great walking days. My personality lends itself to being more pessimistic that optimistic, however, God has not allowed me to worry about the battery in my deep brain stimulation device going dead before I get a new one. I just keep praying that it doesn’t die and God keeps answering that prayer!

Last Wednesday night, I parked farther away from the entrance to church than I normally do and I did it on purpose! I didn’t fall walking in or out of church. I felt FREE!!!! I didn’t have to use a cart to get into the grocery store, rather I walked in just using my own two legs and feet. Saturday, I took full advantage of my wonderful walking and I went shopping and errand running. Walking felt so good and natural and I savored every moment of it. I have seen God in so many ways this past week and I’m in awe of how He works.

But there are the days when walking doesn’t come easy and I have I had a few of those. Mainly, it’s just moments in days where I find walking to be difficult. I still battle with the church parking lot. Wednesday was great, Sunday morning was more of a struggle.

Yesterday, I had a bit more trouble walking than I have been recently. I nearly fell twice (once walking into work and once at home), but by God’s graciousness, I could right myself and gain control before I fell. Today was even more of a struggle to walk, but God does allow me to see extraneous circumstances that could be affecting my ability to walk (stress, the weather). So, yes there is still a struggle, but at the end of the day and week, I can still say I didn’t fall once, so it’s a win for walking!!

Ironically enough, I remember telling my neurologist in one of the first appointments I had with him after the DBS, that just a soon as we got the walking: electricity ratio figured out, it would be time to replace the battery and what do you know, but in the weeks before he told me it was time to get it switched out, I started walking OK. 😊

I had an appointment with a nurse practitioner at the neurosurgeon’s office today. I have surgery scheduled for August 17 at noon. At least for now. The nurse said she would confirm with me tomorrow. She’s got to maneuver some things around to fit me in, but she wants to get me in ASAP before the battery dies. I feel bad for inconveniencing others, but thankful that the doctors and nurses see the urgency to get this done ASAP. I do NOT want the battery to die. It’s not a big surgery at all, but I’m still nervous about it. I was again told that most patients having this procedure done are Parkinson’s patients in their 80’s and because of that they usually put those patients in a “twilight” sedation. But because I’m “young” (ha!), they will put me under general anesthesia. I really don’t like that necessarily. I have a fear of not waking up from it. I know it’s irrational, but it’s there nonetheless. But, we’ll see. Maybe they’ll end up doing twilight sedation. The “surgery” (I put that in quotes because I think of anything with general anesthesia as surgery, yet, I think the whole procedure lasts just a few minutes) is same day and once I recover from the anesthesia, I can go home with no restrictions. I don’t even have to go back to get the stitches removed as they will be internal. I guess I should get used to this, as it’ll be my life for as long as I live and as long as the battery needs changing. 😉

This was me at the appointment today, trying to pass the time away while I waited and waited and waited....

I’ve recently been thinking that I put my trust in doctors/nurses/surgeons, whom I barely know, to do their job and wake me up after surgeries. Why then do I constantly fail to trust God, whom I know only has my best interests in mind, that everything will work out the way He deems fit? I saw this quote on Facebook and it’s the same analogy just using puzzle pieces:

On another note, I recently used the quote, "Strive for progress, not perfection." Well, my friend, Kristen, who owns a gift shop, got the following wall art in and I just had to buy it. I decided to put it above my bathroom mirror, to remind myself of it daily. Haha- now that I'm looking at this picture, it's driving me nuts because it looks like the plaque is crooked! It may be, but when I put it up, I did use a leveler, so it was, at some point, level. And yes, that is an "ER" iPhone cover, in case you were wondering. 😉

For those that have been following along with these posts, I am still on target with my Bible reading (to read the entire Old Testament in a year, but only having started it at the beginning of July!) and with learning to do push-ups. I had yoga tonight and after confessing to my instructor that I've had a tough week having the motivation to do it, I somehow impressed her with my planks and other poses. I do have a fire down in my bones that arises when need be!

God is so good and I'm thankful to be able to see that. Always remember that, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: July 24, 2018

Wow! Thank you for reading last week's post. There were a ton of you. Thank you also for the comments and encouragement and advice. If you read last's week post, then you'll know I was waiting to get an appointment to see a neurosurgeon so that I can get the battery to my deep brain stimulation device changed. I got a date to see a physician's assistant at the neurosurgeon's office. It's a week from today, July 31 at 3:30pm. Because of the forms they sent me, I'm pretty sure it's just an initial "get to know you" appointment. I don't know anything more than that. :)

I had a great week last week. I had a dentist appointment - no cavities. :) I got to watch my niece, Hope for a little while on Thursday night and had a blast with her. She's only two, but she talks constantly - haha!! I love her and her personality. My maternal grandmother turned 92 on Saturday and we celebrated. God sent angels again to help me into church on Sunday. Satan tries to sabotage me on Sundays. I can be walking perfectly fine, but once I hit that church parking lot, I lose confidence. But God's there to fend Satan off and to help me get safely into church.

I didn't have yoga tonight because my instructor isn't feeling well, but yoga at home and my push-ups are going well - ha! I still have no idea why I wanted to learn how to do push-ups, but here I am learning to do them. I saw this on Facebook and thought it appropriate:

Slow progress IS progress!! I see it in a lot of areas in my life. It's very, very slow, but it is progress.

I hope that by documenting what's going on in my life on this blog that I can be of help to someone else. I'm definitely not the authority on a lot of topics, but I do love rambling on about what's going on in my life. It's my prayer that you can glean something from my ramblings. ;)

I do know that there are people out there (maybe even you) that suffer way more than I could ever possibly imagine. It almost makes me think keeping a blog about walking irrelevant. I feel silly and foolish for going on and on about my troubles walking when people are fighting just to stay alive. I found this next quote on Facebook as well and it again struck a cord with me:

I'll end this entry as I started it, by thanking you again for reading and for encouraging me. Ya'll are blessings from God. Always, always remember that God's Got This!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: July 17, 2018 Doctor's Update

Do you ever have those days when nothing works out or everything goes awry?! What am I saying?! Everyone has those days! It’s called life. I’ve had a couple of those days in the past week and really all I can do is laugh about them. 😊

Overall, this past week has been great. My walking has been stable for the most part. I’ve had a few times when I wasn’t so stable or I got “into my head”, but overall, it’s been pretty good. I am, however, thinking back over the week and am thankful for the help of others. On Thursday, Mom and I went to see a musical at the Tennessee Theatre (and if you’re Facebook friends with me, you know the musical I’m talking about – ha!). I’m thankful that Mom drops me off and picks me up right in front of the theatre. Yes, I could walk from the parking garage to the theatre, but it would take a lot of effort and a lot of time (because let’s face it, I’m not all that fast!). I’m thankful for church members like Karen who came up behind me as I was walking into church on Sunday and asked if I needed a hand. Again, I could have made it on my own, but it would have taken forever. I’m thankful for “Baby” Hope (my 2-year-old niece) who held my hand as we walked up to Communion at church and just because she was holding it, I could walk steadier. I’m thankful.

Sometimes I can force myself to walk correctly, other times I have no control. It’s weird and I don’t know how to accurately describe what I mean, so you’ll just have to trust me on this, unless you experience it yourself. 😉

On Saturday, I nearly had to go visit my brother at the ER as a patient because I sliced my finger open trying to do a good deed. I avoided going, but I debated it for a little while! I injured myself so many times on Saturday it was starting to become comical. Seriously, three separate injuries, but surprisingly, none of them were from falling - haha, so that's a positive spin on the situation(s).

Unexpectedly my iPhone died today. I didn’t know how dependent on my phone I was until I didn’t have it. I couldn’t make or receive any calls or texts. It simple kept saying no service. After taking the SIM card out and doing all the other million things the Internet told me to do to get it working again, I called Verizon (my provider) and they had me doing different things. Finally, after they couldn’t help me, I took my phone to the Verizon store. They gave it a new SIM card and still nothing worked. The options were to go to the Apple store for them to diagnosis what was going on or get a new phone. Since I’d already been having other issues with my phone, I decided to just bite the bullet and go ahead and get a new one. So frustrating and yet, that's just life, right?! It's not life or death - it's a phone. Get it fixed (or in my case buy a new one) and move on!!

Yesterday, I had a check-up with the neurologist and was thrown a curve-ball. First, it was probably the best I’ve ever walked in front of Dr. Tolleson – yay, me! Whenever I go to see him, I totally feel like I’m going in to get a tune-up. I get attached to this big remote he has and he checks to make sure everything is working properly. But here’s what threw me for a loop: he said that my battery - the one that's implanted right under my collarbone - is extremely low. He was shocked by how low it is, as he doesn’t have me on an extremely high setting or anything. The only thing he could think of was that maybe because he’s stimulating two areas, it’s taking up more battery life. I’ve only had the battery for 2 and ½ years and it’s supposed to last at least 5. I must have it replaced ASAP. Like within 2-4 weeks ASAP. He said he could send me back to Vanderbilt to get it done, or I could get it done here. Since he’s here now, I want to get it done here. He said the surgeon that does them only does the battery, not anything in the brain – so if I ever need something replaced (like a wire or a lead) in my brain, I would have to go back to Vanderbilt, but for a battery change, I can stay here. He said that the surgery is easy. To which I responded, “Easy for you to say!” 😉 I asked if I would have to be under general anesthesia. He said that they probably would do it under general, but I could ask about a local. He said that as a neurologist, he doesn't like putting people under general, but the surgeon probably would do that. He said all that happens in the surgery is the surgeon opens the scar, pulls the dead battery out and puts a new one in. But (in my mind) it’s still “surgery” (especially if it’s under general anesthesia). --- Also, on a lighter note, I CAN NOT spell or remember how to spell anesthesia at all. I’m always taking my best guess and having Microsoft give me word suggestions. 😉 --- Dr. Tolleson’s office is contacting the surgeon and getting things set up, but Dr. Tolleson said that if I don’t hear back from his office or the surgeon’s office this week, I need to call ASAP next week. I was REALLY hoping to avoid having to have any surgeries (as small as they may be) this year, but, I’m so very thankful that I saw Dr. Tolleson when I did and he’s on top of getting it replaced ASAP. I do NOT want the stimulation to just stop one day because the battery’s dead!

Dr. Tolleson did say that there is the option of getting a re-chargeable battery inserted. He said those usually last around 10 years before needing to be replaced. That sounded wonderful to me. He said the only downside is that I would have to recharge the battery. That didn’t seem so bad until I asked him how often I would have to recharge it. His answer? Every week. EVERY WEEK!! I know, I know we take medicine every day or we work out every week or we do other things every day or every week, but I don’t want to have to recharge myself every week! OK that last sentence could be taken two ways. I love "recharging myself". I don't want to have to recharge a battery in myself every week! I asked what he would do. Of course he wouldn’t tell me. 😉 He did say that I was young though and that I’m going to have this device for the rest of my life, so that was something to consider. I decided it was worth it to “set it and forget it” and have to have it replaced every so often then have to recharge it every week.

Another thing that threw me for a loop in a good way was Dr. Tolleson said that my left arm and hand were much looser. I asked if that was a good thing (just to make sure) and he said it most definitely was. So, yay! I don't know what's caused that - if it's the DBS therapy, yoga or what, but I'm very thankful!

While meeting with Dr. Tolleson, he asked me point blank, “Are you happy?’ To which I responded, “Yes, yes I am.” If nothing gets any better than where it is today, I’m still happy with the outcome. I found it kind of profound that he asked me that. He never has in the past. Am I happy? Of course I’m not happy all the time and I get so frustrated when I can’t walk correctly, but overall, looking back from where I’ve come to where I am now, yes…yes I am happy. He said he noticed that I seemed happier. He asked if I was still walking without the assistance of a cane or walker. I told him I was, although sometimes I probably should use one or the other. Just stopping to think about that – am I using a walker or cane to get around – and realizing (no matter how hard it may be on certain days to walk without them) that I am NOT walking with a walker or cane, brought me great joy and put it all in to perspective.

Yoga has also brought me great joy recently. I think it’s because it’s showing me what I CAN do. When I’m having a bad day with balance or walking, to do upper body strength training or do some yoga pose and succeed at it, helps me to focus on what I can do and not wallow in what I can’t. I love being able to conquer things whether it be a pose, or a fear. It’s empowering. And, in case anyone was wondering, Dr. Tolleson is completely behind me doing it. He was actually very pleased that I am doing it.

Reading the Bible every day too has brought me exceeding joy. It’s most definitely empowering! It’s amazing to me what jumps out at me from a page. It can be a very significant thing or it can be as simple and silly as a verse that mentions both my dad’s favorite nut (pistachio) and my favorite nut (almond). Haha. 😊 Seriously though, reading the Bible is a blessing and the discipline of it is wonderful.

If you're keeping up with my goal for July, I'm still chipping away at learning how to do push-ups. I increased this past week to doing 5 in the morning and 5 at night. However, my shoulder has started hurting so my yoga instructor told me to go back down to 3 in the morning and 3 at night. It's all about quality and not so much about quantity anyway.

I think that's enough for this post. Sorry for all the rambling! I'm exceedingly blessed and I'm so thankful that in EVERY situation, "God's Got This"!

Tune-In-Tuesday: July 10, 2018

Someone posted this quote on Facebook and it sure hit a nerve with me. It's exactly what I needed to see and exactly what I needed to keep telling myself this past week:

If you read my post from last week, you'll know that I got this idiotic idea to challenge myself to do push-ups. I have NO idea why I decided to do this and make it "public" - haha. I told my yoga instructor, so she's holding my feet to the fire! In all reality, I really, really, really do want to learn how to do them, do them correctly and become stronger, but there are moments that I think to myself, "This was a dumb idea. Why did I say I want to do this?!" But, "going public" so to speak, by putting this in my blog, has kept me going. For one week, I've done three push-ups in the morning and three at night. That doesn't seem like a lot and I'm sure you're laughing because of only 6 a day, but I don't care. I'm learning how to do push-ups and getting stronger, so it's worth it. One day, I hope to be the one laughing, if I ever re-read this. If I keep at it, 6 a day may become 10 a day, 20 a day and so on until I do push-ups without any thought. "Rome wasn't built in a day" and neither is my ability to do push-ups, but they are coming along.

Another thing my yoga instructor got me hooked on was the L pose. She showed it to me for the first time last week. I tried it and couldn't do it, but I went home and tried again and again and then it happened! I don't know how, it just did. I sent my yoga instructor a video. This is a little snippet of it. It's kind of embarrassing, but here it is. Don't judge ;) I know my form isn't great, but the fact is...I DID IT!!!!!!

However, in order to keep me humble, at yoga tonight, I was only able to do it once. That's it. One time. The rest of the times were failures. I was frustrated beyond belief. Why couldn't I do it more than once?! There's a lesson to be learned there. Even my yoga instructor saw it. She said sometimes you just have to let it go. I didn't want to end the session on a "failure", so I tried and tried and tried again until I just had to realize it wasn't going to happen more than once tonight. I had to let it go. As Meryl reminded me, I've only been trying this for a week. Again, "Rome wasn't built in a day."

The rest of my week has been going well. I do get frustrated when I can't really "show" others that my walking is better. I get "stage fright" walking into church, work, wherever. I got it again tonight when trying to show Meryl the L pose. Why do I get so "into my head" that I end up freezing and not "performing" as I know I can? AHHH!!! It's so frustrating!! I laugh when I think back to my younger days. I longed to be famous, to have my name up in lights and for everyone to know me. Now that I'm older, that's the last thing I want! My, how times have changed! ;)

My personality lends to being disciplined. If I set my mind to something, I'm going to do it, one way or another. I'm rather stubborn and don't like to fail (who does?!). I can be very rigid and unforgiving of myself. I'm very unrelenting in my determination. But through this journey, God's chipping away at my perfectionism. No one is perfect except God Himself. He loves me just the way I am, for He made me. It was a very good thing that I didn't succeed tonight in doing the L pose more than once. It's driving me a little insane that I couldn't do it, but it's also good. Why? Because God's showing me to lay my perfectionism down and give myself grace. It's hard. So hard. But...God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: July 3, 2018

Happy 3rd of July, everyone! What's the 3rd of July, you ask? It's the day before the 4th of July. :) I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far. The past week was better for me walking-wise than the week before, so I'm thankful for that! Every day seemed to get better than the previous - progress, I love it! I'm not saying that the week was without issues, there's always going to be issues, but as I think back over it, it was good. God provides. ALL THE TIME. God provides. I laugh when I think back at all the times He shows up. Maybe I shouldn't phrase it like - He's ALWAYS there. I love when He allows me to see that He's always by my side. The things I worry and fret over, He's already got the answer to. So why do I worry and fret? That's the million dollar question. I worry and fret because I'm human and sinful, but God's already got the answer to each and every worry and fret - Do not be anxious about anything!!! (Phil 4:6).

I got an INSANE idea this week. First, let me back up a little bit. As I've been doing yoga weekly, I've gotten to know my yoga instructor better (duh, if you hang out with a person, you tend to get to know them a little - haha). Anyway, a couple of months ago she mentioned that she was doing some self-care of her own. She was seeing what she could add or subtract from her life, for a week, a month...however long she desired. Like, could she give coffee up for a week? She wanted to practice doing handstands. Stuff like that. She inspired me. This past week as July was approaching, I got an insane idea. For the month of July, I want to practice doing push-ups. See, I told you it was an INSANE idea! Who is this person that's overtaken my body? Really - push-ups?!! I've never wanted to do push-ups in my life - never. And yet, all the sudden I want to do them. And let me tell you, it's NOT going to be easy. I can BARELY and I do mean BARELY even do 3 right now. But, I'm going to try it - to give it my best shot. No, I'm not going to try. I'm going to DO. Yes. I'm going to do.

I had yoga tonight and told my instructor of my plans. I said I needed someone to keep me accountable - which is the truth! So now, I can't go back on it. One very, very good thing about me wanting to do push-ups is that I don't know how to do them. So she doesn't have to undo bad habits that I may have learned from doing them, if that had been the case. So, tonight we began training on the push-ups. Ya'll, I'm terrible. TERRIBLE. But, I have the desire and that's 99% of it, right?! (I'm trying to build myself up here - ha!)

This whole push-up thing brought back memories of my very beginning days of exercising. I had (and still do have) a stationary bike. When I decided to try exercise, I couldn't do more than 5 minutes on the bike. Seriously, I was DYING trying to reach 5 minutes. And it was torture - TORTURE. But, in reality, I didn't die and I made it through and I felt so good about myself. So, I worked out for 5 minutes every day for a week. The next week, I raised it to 10 minutes and I was dying all over again, but I stuck with it. And now, it's no big deal for me to do an hour. I'm NOT saying that to brag. Truly, I'm not. I'm saying it to remind myself that if I'm consistent and committed to something, I can tackle it. So, for July it's push-ups. I probably have no idea what I've I gotten myself into, but here goes nothing!

I must, must, must strengthen my core, if I'm going to do push-ups, so that's what we worked on tonight. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it, when results start taking shape.

My other goal for July: read my Bible, specifically the Old Testament. I'm taking my dad's challenge to read the Old Testament this year. And yes, that's not a misprint, I said this year. And yes, we are in July. And yes, I'm just starting. I've confessed. You can be a preacher's daughter and still not do what you're supposed to! My friend, Kristen, found a chart to get us through the entire Old Testament starting July 1 and ending in December. And one more confession: I'm already behind. So tonight, I've got two days worth of reading to do. It's amazing though what reading through the Bible can do for you. My yoga instructor and I were talking tonight about what it means to be strong. What it means to be strong can mean a million different things and being strong is different for everyone. You can be physically strong. You can be emotionally strong. You can be spiritually strong. So while I'm trying in one way to be physically strong, I'm also prepping myself to be spiritually strong by building my core foundation: going back to the "basics" and reading my Bible. I hate to admit that, just like in physical strengthening, sometimes I slack off on spiritual strengthening. So it's back to God's Word I go.

As long as we have breath in our lungs, it's never too late to start something new. It may be challenging. It may be hard. We may think we're going to die doing it, but in ALL circumstances...God's God This!!