I felt Friday was the perfect day for my plan to take place because it’s a little more casual at work. I only told one other person what I was thinking of doing, just in case I backed out of it. As it turns out, God gave me just enough bravery to go through with it: I went wig free. I definitely felt lighter! :) I’m still not too sure how I feel about my hair being this short, but it’s a lot more than I had back in February – so I just have to keep reminding myself of that!
My co-workers were AWESOME!!! They made me feel right at home and gave me (much needed!) compliments and encouragements. OK, that sounded cocky on my part – that I needed compliments. That’s not what I meant. What I meant was I am so self-conscious, it gave my confidence to hear the compliments and the encouragement and I’m so very thankful to those who gave them to me. I love how my co-workers and friends build me up. I hope I can return the favor and build them and others up. A couple co-workers even marveled at how I was able to contain my hair under the wig saying that I have so much of it. I don’t think I do, but I’m so happy they think I do! I’m happy that it’s coming back as the same texture as before too. I still love curly hair. ;)
The other big news of the day is that I turned the device up to 3.10.
I was going to wait until Tuesday, but I figured it has technically been a full week since I turned it down. Maybe I should have waited another week to turn it up, but I was getting impatient (this should come as no surprise to anyone if you’ve been reading along!). I did still have my doubts this morning about turning it up, but by 10:15am, I was ready. Sitting at my desk at work, I turned it up from 3.00 to 3.10 volts. Maybe this will be a happy medium. I felt like it was too much at 3.20. I thought that since I got my best results so far at 3.00, that that would do the trick, but it didn’t really help at all. I’m kind of wondering if I went down too fast. Instead of going down by .10 every week, I went down .20 in a day. Or that may not have anything to do with it! I’m searching for answers that might never get answered. I just want to be able to walk assistance free!!! I get so frustrated when I don’t see good results.
Wednesday, I made into and around work all day with the cane, but I asked my co-worker Debbie to walk out with me that night because I didn’t feel I could navigate the parking garage without help. I was right! I ended up holding onto her arm to make it to my car. Wednesday night, I was tired and didn’t want to think about walking, so I caved and used the walker to get in and out of church. I did use just the cane while I was in church.
Thursday, I ended up bringing the walker in with me to work. I didn’t feel brave enough or strong enough or have enough fight in me to tackle the parking garage. But, once I was inside, I used the cane exclusively – even going up and down stairs. Thursday night, Debbie rolled my walker out for me, but I forced myself to just walk with the cane. The parking garage still gave me grief, but I managed it with the cane and Debbie’s arm. ;)
This morning I used the walker once again to get inside of work. I used the cane once I was inside. There is a very, very, very fine line between having not enough stimulation and having too much. By 10:15am this morning, I was so over the “jumpy” feeling I was getting with my foot. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I’ll try. My foot just spasms up. It’s almost like it’s having a seizure or something because it’ll shake really hard, which of course makes me fall. This has been happening a lot this past week! I can’t stand that feeling because I’m not steady on my feet and I almost always fall. But then there’s the opposite feeling: I’m so stiff I can’t move at all. This happened after a 2pm meeting I was in today. I couldn’t bend my knee, I couldn’t lift my leg or foot. This is SO frustrating!!! My hope is that I just need to get used to this new level again and things will work out. I used my walker the rest of the day at work and to get to the car tonight. Walking can be so hard sometimes!!!!!
Here’s where I falter big time: in times like these, when I feel (at least in the moment) that things won’t get better, I worry about everything and I get into such a funk. I get moody and cranky and teary. I get mad and sad and “poor me”. I guess it’s in these moments that I just need to be by myself so that I don’t drag others down with me! This is the stuff I try to keep hidden from the vast population. Unfortunately for them, my family and my closest friends are privy to it and I’m sure they wish they weren’t. ;)
A thought I had this past week was I think I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I am my own worst critic. If I just let things come naturally maybe I’ll have better results! I want to be able to walk NOW, but maybe I just need more time. I get my hopes up and I want those steady upward victories, but this journey isn’t just a vertical rise to victory. It’s a winding, sometimes 2 steps backwards journey and I have to keep reminding myself, in God’s time it’ll all work out. And then I have to remind myself it may not work out like I want it worked out. God and I don’t always see eye to eye – ha!
I’ve had several moments this past week where I’ve just had to laugh because it seems so simple to walk, but the reality of it for me is nowhere near simple. We all have something in life to deal with – whether physical, mental, spiritual - we all have something. And if you haven’t had “your thing” yet – watch out – it’ll come! No one gets out of this life unscathed. I can truly say and mean every word of it that if this is the worst thing that happens to me in life, I’m exceedingly blessed. There are some of you I know that have it way, way, way worse than me, which is why I try not to complain in these blog posts. Sometimes that doesn’t always happen, so please forgive me if you’re one of the people that has it worse than me and then you read my blog and I’m complaining about something you only wish was your major problem.
Some lessons I've learned (or re-learned or am continuing to learn) this week:
1) Walking is hard
2) Writing is cathartic
3) I don't have all the answers
4) God does have all the answers
And on that note, I will end by saying once again that I am blessed. Even on the tough days, I know I’m blessed. The Lord will fight for me (and you), I need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
God’s Got This!!
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