This morning I turned my deep brain stimulation device up by .10 and am now at 3.20 volts. This morning was also the first time I turned it up without having to read the directions again. I guess I’m finally learning how to do it!
Something I meant to mention in my last post but forgot is the goal of the deep brain stimulation (and me ramping it up every week). Obviously, the MAIN goal to allow me to walk without a walker or a cane. Another goal, however, is also to get me off of medication. I’m currently taking a lot and I take it four times a day because it wears off. It would be awesome if the deep brain stimulation is all I need.
The past week has been wonderful. Of course there have been moments of frustration and fear, but at the end of the day, when I’m lying in bed, I can’t help but marvel at what the Lord has, is and continues to do. I’m amazed.
This past Wednesday night, I went to church (as I normally do) and Dad preached a great sermon. Unbeknownst to me, a new series was beginning that night called “Where is God?” The title of my Dad's sermon was: “Where is God?: Walking.” Seriously. If that’s not a “God-thing” then I don’t know what is. I mean, I’m sure Dad has had this series planned for a while now with all the topics planned out as well. The VERY FIRST TIME I walk into church WITHOUT A WALKER (just a cane), the sermon is about WALKING. Dad had no idea I was going to walk in with just a cane. He had no idea, because I had no idea. Haha. I love, love, love God’s timing!!!!
In the same vein, it seemed all week lines from songs jumped out at me. During work-outs, I’ve been listening to country singer, Kip Moore. He has a song titled "Faith When I Fall" and in that song there's a line that I absolutely love: "Give me strength when I'm standing and faith when I fall."
The songs sung at church this past Sunday also jumped out at me. So much so that I had to tell our worship leader that every song we sang was “spot-on” what I needed to hear and sing. We began by singing “Stronger”. Here's the chorus:
“You are stronger.
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all”
The next song we sang was “Come as You Are” by David Crowder (my absolute favorite “new” song we sing at church). It’s so good, I have to give you ALL the lyrics (not that the other songs aren't equally as good, I just felt ALL the lyrics in this song spoke to me):
"Come out of sadness
From wherever you've been
Come broken hearted
Let rescue begin
Come find your mercy
Oh sinner come kneel
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You're not too far
So lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
There's hope for the hopeless
And all those who've strayed
Come sit at the table
Come taste the grace
There's rest for the weary
Rest that endures
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't cure
So lay down your burdens
Lay down your shame
All who are broken
Lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home
You're not too far
Lay down your hurt
Lay down your heart
Come as you are
Come as you are
Fall in his arms
Come as you are
There's joy for the morning
Oh sinner be still
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
Earth has no sorrow
That heaven can't heal
We also sang “How Great is Our God”:
"How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see
How great, how great is our God"
Then we sang “Lord I Need You”. Here are my favorite lyrics from that song:
"Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay"
Another cool thing that happened this week was walking around the grocery store. I never thought I’d say that! While I still parked near a shopping cart and used the cart the entire time, I have never felt so sturdy on my feet. It made me realize how much of a struggle I really have had.
I did two things this past weekend that I don’t normally do: I went to a baby gender reveal party where I wasn’t sure I’d know anyone except the couple having the baby (actually, in this case it’s babies – they are having twins!) and I went tubing on the lake. I am exceedingly grateful I did both!!
I had a blast at Brad and Samantha’s party. I knew one other person that was there until another couple came later on. Going to this party took me out of my comfort zone because I'm highly self-conscious about using the walker and/or cane, but I ended up having so much fun and got to meet some really great people that I wouldn’t have gotten to meet otherwise. I am so very happy I went. Thank you so much, Brad and Samantha for inviting me!!
My maternal grandmother turns 90 on July 21. (As an aside, my paternal grandmother turned 90 on June 10). Because of this, out-of-town family is arriving to celebrate with a big birthday bash on Saturday. My Michigan aunt, uncle and cousins have been here since last Friday night and they brought with them their boat. One of the activities you can do with their boat is go tubing. I told them I wasn’t going to do that and I’d be fine just riding on the boat. However, Sunday morning I woke up with a change of heart. The whole family was going to go out on the boat that afternoon after church and I decided that morning that I wanted to try tubing. I am SO happy that I tried it because it was so much fun. I had the absolute BEST time. It’s definitely a memory that I will hold on to for the rest of my life. It was seriously that much fun!
As the above two examples suggest, I am currently working on being brave. In the past, I’ve always thought that once I’ve done something one time, I’m good to do it again. While I still believe that mostly, the parking garage at work has proved a challenge. I’ve walked in and out of it every week day since my last post (and a couple of days before that too), using just my cane, and I still haven’t “conquered” it. I still get butterflies in my stomach. I still worry that I’ll fall. I still worry that I’ll get “caught” trying to pass over the lane that traffic comes through on and then make a fool of myself by either falling or just freezing. On Sunday, Dad correctly identified the way that I walk – carefully. Walking is a deliberate action on my part. It’s not automatic and flawless. I still have the potential to fall. However, I am FORCING myself to walk in spite of my fears. I don’t expect accolades or “good jobs” from others for doing this. I mean, this is what most people do every day – they walk. ;) It’s just that if you only knew how terrified I am to walk at times, you’d understand more why I rejoice as much as I do when I make it somewhere without falling. All glory goes to God for keeping me upright! I pray every morning that God will make me brave, keep me from falling and that I will soon be able to walk on my own two feet, assistance-free.
This past Sunday was my first Sunday walking into, around and out of church without my walker. I was ecstatic. I was even more ecstatic when I walked up to communion and back to my seat without holding on to Mom (or anyone else). In fact, as I sat back down in my seat, I turned to Mom and declared, “I did it!". I should of actually said, "God allowed me to do it!", because that's the truth! I still force myself to walk to the mailbox and back every day. Some days I'm brave. Some days, I'm not so brave. Every day I trust in the Lord.
Surely, I'll get to the point where walking doesn't terrify me anymore, right?! ;) It seems so stupid to be afraid to do something most people take for granted they can do without thinking. But, my faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds. Every little victory, I credit God for. Every little victory adds up to major victories. If it were up to me, I’d still be using the walker. But, it’s not up to me and so I pray a million little prayers and step out on faith. God's Got This!
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