If you read my last post, you already know I had an epic experience and it makes me so very, very happy to report that it's continued with a few curve balls thrown in.
Just to get a little "housekeeping" out of the way...I'm back to titling my posts "Turn-It-Up Tuesday". I turned my deep brain stimulation device OVER to "frequency B" last week and it worked wonders. I'm still in awe of the miracle(s) God performed and is still performing. This morning, I turned the electricity up by .10. I am now at 3.10 volts.
Why, you may ask (or you may not, that's fine too!) did I do that if I was having such great success being at 3.00 volts? My answer is, although, I did experience (and continue to experience) great success, I'm still not 100% "there". I can always take the electricity back down, but since I'm only going up by .10 every week, I want to see if I can garner bigger and greater results than I already have. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'm a "go big or go home" type of girl, so I'm all about seeing the extent to which I go and find greater results then I even have now. So that's why. This week, I'm finally at that stage in hair-growth, where I see progress! It's really starting to fill in, so I'll post a picture here, but you'll still probably see me in my wig until the day I feel I want to go with out it.
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| This is without any styling or hair gel. It actually is curly if I scrunch it. |
Now, back to this past week. I told you about my Wednesday and Thursday in my last post, so I won't recount those days (I'm already long-winded as it is!). I will say, Thursday I got into work flawlessly. Getting out of work, I had a bit more difficulty. Friday morning was also difficult as was Friday night and Monday morning. By difficult I mean, I was WAY over-thinking walking and when I way over think it, I can't walk. My leg and foot get tense and cramp up and I end up having major difficulties or falling. And I did have difficulties. But you know what? I did it anyway. I walked WITHOUT the walker anyway. I may have started and stopped a 1,000 times. I may have held people up in their car while I crossed over the pathway to the door. I may have stumbled a little bit. People may have stopped and asked me if I was OK or if I needed help. I may have been embarrassed, but you know what? At the end of the day, God allowed me to walk in and out (and around) work, without falling ONCE and only using my cane!! I took pictures today of the parking garage at work to give you a sense of how far (actually, to most people it would be how short!) a distance it is.
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| This doesn't give the whole picture, it's a little farther to walk then what's shown here. |
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| My car (not in the picture) is to the right behind that wall. There is a slope upward from this vantage point. I have a lot of problems walking DOWN slopes, but am pretty OK walking UP them. |
My co-worker Gerard took these pictures of my walking in, you know, just to document the occasion. It's the little things in life!
And to those who are "medical-minded", I know I'm holding my cane in the wrong hand. To those that aren't "medical-minded", you are always supposed to hold the cane and walk with the cane in the opposite hand/side of your injury/disability. To tell the truth, I switch hands/sides often. I guess I'm ambidextrous when it comes to that. Sometimes, I just feel a lot more stable with it in my left hand. This feature, I have in common with Dr. House - haha. I do what allows me to feel the most comfortable, although it might not be what medical professionals advise!
Each day last week, my co-worker, Debbie walked with me to my car (going home, in the morning's I was on my own - ha!). Yesterday, though, I wanted to see if I could do it "all by myself". Haha, I sound like I'm two. So, she was staying late anyway and told me to text her when I got to my car. I did make it to the car WITHOUT falling, but I wasn't alone. I've never prayed so hard in my life!!! God was with me. Also, another co-worker, Susan, was walking out at the same time I was. She asked if I needed help and I said no. While she didn't physically help me (like me leaning on her...she wasn't even standing anywhere near me!) she did end up helping me greatly by making sure there was no traffic coming!!! When I got to the car, my hands were drenched in sweat. My feet were sweaty too. My heart was beating out of my chest, but I was safe. God allowed me to get to my car without falling. I sent Debbie a text that I made it and she responded: "YAY...another milestone! You should be proud of yourself. I am so happy for you and proud of you." This has been the sentiment of ALL my co-workers and ALL of my family and ALL of my friends and for that, I can't say "thank you" enough. I hope that I get to "pay it forward" and encourage, root-on, cheerlead and lift someone else's spirits like you all have done for me.
One of my biggest hang-ups is that I hate, well, hate is a very strong word, maybe I should change that to "strongly dislike" people watching me walk. It sounds so silly, but it's the truth. I get all flustered and it makes me nervous. It makes my muscles tense up and I feel like I'm going to fall. It's quite the hang-up to have when you start walking with just a cane after years and years of walking with the walker, because EVERYONE, when they notice that the walker is gone, stops to congratulate you. I do LOVE that people are so kind and happy for me though so I try not to let it bother me. I don't even like letting my doctors watch me walk, that's how much I dislike it! I find this fear of mine quite comical at times, because in my youth and even in my 20's I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be famous. What makes me laugh is that if I were famous there would be people all the time watching me walk. So maybe being famous isn't all that it's cracked up to be!
To say this past week was a bed of roses is to be outright lying. For all the good, there also comes bad. I fell twice. They were silly falls and I didn't get hurt, but they were falls nonetheless. One was on Saturday in my bedroom, on the carpet. There were plenty of things to hold on to. But instead of holding on to the nightstand, I cleared the nightstand. Yep, alarm clock, medication, TV remotes, pictures - I cleared them all off! Nothing broke (either contents from the table or myself!) and I ended up wondering how in the world I fell in the first place! Then, Sunday, I fell as well. Sunday, I chickened out a little bit. I debated for a long while on whether I should take my walker in to church or just use the cane. I ended up taking them both in. I was so frustrated at myself for "giving in", but I was scared that I would get halfway across the parking lot and get "stuck". I park in the handicap space and it's NOT FAR at all into church, but I still chickened out. I know that people would have helped, but I ended up taking the walker in. However, once I was in church, I just used the cane. I say all of this, because after the (what I thought was) great walking inside, I was loading up the walker and the cane in the car and somehow after they were all loaded, I lost my footing and fell. Right there by the car. Again, I was unhurt, but left wondering, "How in the world did that just happen?".
I'll admit, there have been times and instances this past week where I've been scared. I never knew I was "scared" to walk, until this past week. How easy is it just to walk?!! But for me, it was a chore that left me completely exhausted at times. I'm having to re-learn stuff and I'm downright scared/anxious/nervous a lot of the time. I have been thinking about this though and I've come to the conclusion, I'm not scared to walk, I'm scared to fall. But then again, what happens when you fall? You (barring any major injuries) get up, wipe the dust from hands and move on. That's so much easier said/typed/read then it is to actually do. I'm learning to fully and fervently trust in the Lord. There's a reason you learn to walk when you're still an infant/toddler. :) You don't know to be scared or fearful of anything. But, God's teaching me new things every day. I'm learning to revel in the small victories. You know what's cool? The thing I thought was so hard and I was so fearful of the day before turns out to be the easy thing the next day.
There have been moments of pure, delightful discovery for me this past week. My co-worker, Debbie said that I'm allowing her to see things in a different light and be thankful for the things she takes for granted every day. Here are a couple of my new discoveries/new experiences:
- I get to use the "small" stall in the ladies bathroom. Since I don't have my walker, I can fit in it and don't have to use the handicap stall. (That may have been too much information, but hey, it's one thing I've discovered!)
- I walked up and down the stairs today at work. I never knew there were 3 sets of stairs going from the 2nd floor to the 3rd! I also never knew that there is different carpet on the stairs then there is on the floors. Debbie documented the occasion for me.
- I'm walking to the mailbox and back daily. I did say this in my last post, but I haven't done this "simple" task in about 10 years.
Just in case you're wondering what's physically changed in me, I'll tell you. :) Since the beginning of this dystonia journey, my foot has curled in. In fact, that's the very thing that lead my Internist to declare that something was physically wrong with me. As the years progressed, the curling of said foot only got worse. Also, my toes started curling under. I had spasms in my leg and foot too. Wednesday, when I woke up, all of that was gone. My foot isn't curling in or drawing up anymore (well, that is when I'm not nervous. It still does this a little when I get anxious.) My toes lay flat. I don't have spasms. Everything is quiet and normal. THIS is God. Yes, it's the deep brain stimulation working, but GOD ordained such things to be in existence. I am ecstatic.
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| The picture on the left was taken in 2010. The picture on the right was taken today 7/12/2016 |
Where there once was no hope, there is now. Where my faith was shaken, God's allowed it to be restored. I'm speechless to the mercies He's allowed me to experience. I can't (nor do I want to) wipe the smile off my face. Yes, there have definitely been some very hard, not-so-fun, scared-out-of-my-mind moments in this past week, but at the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed, I can't help but marvel and praise the name of Jesus. I want the whole world to know what He's done and continues to do in my life. I want the whole world to know Him.
God's Got This!
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