Tune-In-Tuesday: February 27, 2018

Another week has come and gone. How has that happened? Sometimes the days are super long, yet the years are short. It amazes me when I sit down to write on this blog how incredibly fast time goes by!

I broke the streak that I so desperately wanted to keep going. I fell. It wasn’t a big fall at all and I popped right back up, but the perfectionist in me was mad that I broke it. I think God allows things to happen to us, just so we are reminded who is God and who is not. At least in my life! I see my neurologist on March 8 and I so very much wanted to say that I haven’t fallen since I last saw him (in October), but God has different plans. I just need to calm down, trust the Lord and breathe – haha!

Saturday, I got to help someone! My friend’s mom heard something pop in her knee and needed a walker. I have 3! I got to give one to her to use for however long she needs it. I hate that she must use it at all, but am so thankful I got to help someone!

Yesterday, I had an epic time getting into work. It had nothing to do with the dystonia (at least I don’t think so!), but I thought it was funny enough to document here. It was raining, so I had an umbrella. I got out of the car and dropped by badge. I picked up my badge and instantly dropped my key. I picked up my key and then accidentally closed my umbrella. I opened it back up again and dropped my purse. Seriously?! It was so comically timed that I just had to laugh at myself.

Yoga has been going well. I finally bought some yoga blocks and have been using them.

I’ve been much more steady this week while doing the poses then I was last week, which is ironic since I fell this week and not last. Just goes to show you, that life is full of surprises!

Tonight’s yoga class was awesome. My instructor asked what I was in the mood for. After thinking about it, I told her that since I wasn’t having the best walking week, I wanted to be pushed. I think a “normal” person would want to take it easy, but I’m not “normal” (who is, really?! That’s why I put normal in quotations.). I wanted to be pushed because I wanted to "get back up again" and realize that I can do things and that I am getting stronger. So, she pushed and pushed a little more. I got an EXCELLENT session. I didn’t do everything perfectly, but it was all new and it was all strengthening and I DID IT. Yay, me! And, thank you, Jesus for allowing me to want to be pushed because seriously, that’s half the battle.

Something I want to relearn to do is run. Really the ONLY reason I want to relearn to do it is because my nieces ask occasionally, for me to run with them. Haha. They are only 3 and 1, so running, is not full-blown running but rather chasing. I’ve heard that some people with dystonia can run perfectly, but can’t walk. I guess it’s like me with sand. I can’t walk perfectly on solid ground, but put me on sand and I walk with no issue. Again, that’s life – full of surprises! So, yeah, I want to relearn to run.

Two years ago at this time, I had no hair, so when it was extra curly and doing what I wanted it to do on Sunday, I snapped a picture. :)

God is good. God is gracious. God is full of surprises. God is faithful. God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 20, 2018

I started writing this post today during my lunch hour at work and while I’ll still post what I wrote then, I must start this introduction over. If you know me in “real life” or you’ve been reading this blog long enough, you know my natural tendency is to be a pessimist. But, I just got home from a yoga session and I am in such a more optimistic mood than I was earlier. Not that I was in a terrible mood at lunch, I was just more melancholy. My yoga class and particularly my yoga instructor certainly changed that. My instructor is such an encourager!! I am so blessed by her every time we get together. She told me tonight that I was her best client regarding doing my homework – ha! When I was in school, I loathed homework, but this is different. I finally figured out that if I’m going to get better at anything, I must put blood, sweat and tears into perfecting whatever I want to get better at. Thankfully (as of now) there has been no blood, but plenty of sweat and some tears. Why wouldn’t I do the homework she gives me? I want to get better at this and in turn get better at walking. I had a great session tonight and it (through God's grace) changed my mood. Yay!

(Now’s where I’ll post what I wrote at lunch):

This past week has been a mixed bag. I’ve felt frustrated, but I’ve also had some great moments. The struggles make us stronger, right?! I haven’t walked like I’ve wanted to or as well as I have been walking. But then again, I haven’t fallen. I haven’t done my yoga exercises, “perfectly”, but then again, I’m still able to do them. I am still able. I must keep reminding myself of that. Even when it’s hard, I’m still able to do things without a walker or cane. It may be a little awkward or scary, but I’m still able. (Can you tell I’m giving myself a pep talk?!) Sometimes, I’m brave enough to go after things, sometimes, I’m not. But that’s life in general, right?!

I’m getting ready to “celebrate” (I’m not sure if that’s the word I’m really looking for, but I’ll run with it), two years post deep brain stimulation surgery(s). It was February 14, 2016 (yes, Valentine’s Day), when I had to have all my hair cut and shaved off (thank you again, Carrie). It was February 16, 2016, when the first surgery took place. That first surgery was to place screws to hold the halo that would be used in the "big" surgery. It was also to get an MRI to map out my brain. On February 23, 2016, I had the “big” awake surgery and then on February 29, 2016 was when I had the final surgery to activate the device. The irony is not lost on me that the surgery to activate the deep brain stimulation device took place on Leap Day. I like to think that it's God's way of saying that I will LEAP again one day! How has it been two years?!!! It’s been a journey to say the least! If I would have known then what I know now, I would definitely do it all over again. It’s been a physical journey, but it’s also been a spiritual one. To see how God has had His hand on every situation and weaved himself through every part of my life has been breathtaking. I am blessed.

This is not a good transition, but to get back to what happened this past week, I’ll start with a funny story. My co-workers and I had just been to a company-wide meeting on Thursday and we were standing around in the hallway talking to each other. I knew I was standing by a wall, I just didn’t know how closely I was standing by said wall until I turned around and walked right into it. Yes, no one ever said I was graceful – that’s for sure. Thankfully, I didn’t hurt myself (or the wall). My pride may have taken a bruising though. Haha. When I do things, I don’t just do them halfway, I do them epically. In this case, I didn’t run into a wall when no one was looking, I ran into a wall when there was a huge group of people walking down the hall. Oh well, such is life. Everyone (including myself) got a huge laugh out of it! This had NOTHING to do with dystonia or any physical handicap. It had everything to do with the fact that I’m just a klutz.

In a different situation last week, I was walking and talking with a co-worker and I was a little fired up about something. My co-worker commented later that she was marveling at how well I walked while I was pouring out my frustrations to her. It seems that when I’m fired up about something, I have absolutely no problem walking. HA! It’s because I’m walking “automatically” and not thinking about walking. It’s when I concentrate too much on walking that I have issues. A while back, a guy at my church said it’s like getting the yips. Yes, yes, it is. I just need to breath and remember that everything will be OK and not worry so much about what other people think (again, I’m giving myself a pep talk!).

On Sunday an amazing thing happened. I was walking ever so slowly and precariously into church, being careful not to fall. The oldest member of our congregation was being dropped off at the front of the church. I just happened to be there as she was, so I helped her out of the car and the two of us walked into church together. The instant I started to help her, my foot relaxed, and my leg became strong. She thought I was helping her, but she was actually helping me. I instantly felt like I could walk without any issue. All it took was helping someone else, to help myself and it was WONDERFUL! Thank you, Jesus!

So, for all those out there who, like me, tend be pessimists most of the time, remember that even in the frustrating times, God is always gracious, God is always with us, God wants us to be optimists and God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 13, 2018

Happy Fat Tuesday, everybody! Tomorrow is the being of my favorite Holy season. It starts with Ash Wednesday and culminates with Easter Sunday. Christmas is most people's favorite holiday, but mine is Easter. I can't wait to celebrate it this year!

This past week was chalked full of every emotion and every season there is - at least that's how it felt! Last Tuesday, a faithful man of God was called home. He was the social ministry director at my church and his death was a shock to all of us. I knew of his death when I wrote last week's blog post, but didn't say anything as it was still sinking in. The Wednesday before I sat right behind him during Wednesday night services (as I always did). To have known then that that was the last time I'd see him alive, maybe I would have spoken more to him. He was always so very gracious and kind to me. He kept reminding me of the miracle I am that I can now walk without a walker or a cane - even when I'm having major difficulty. His death came as such a shock that it actually opened my eyes again to how fragile and beautiful and treasured this life is. Even with it's ups and downs and curves, we should treasure every moment of it and treasure the people we get to do it with. Paul, you will be missed, but I am secure in the knowledge that I know you are with our Lord and Savior.

Along with Paul, there were two other deaths of people I either knew personally or knew in association to friends of mine. Needless to say, it's been a little bit of a sad week in that respect. It's also been a week of sickness. Not me, (thank you, Jesus!), but everyone around me. East Tennessee has been hit hard with the flu this year. Schools were out almost an entire week (save for Wednesday) because of it. People in my own family have had it. I've just been trying to stay flu-free. I'm washing my hands and using Purell every other second. And then, there's the weather. One day it's sunny and in the 60's and the next day it's dreary and in the 30's. I guess, such is winter in Tennessee. :)

I mention all the above because it's definitely effected my walking. I have not fallen, but I haven't walked as good as I had been. But, there's good news. :) Twice in the past week, I KNEW I was going to fall. Like - completely lose my balance, fall all the way to the floor, hurt myself kind of fall, but BOTH times, I miraculously (by God's grace) CAUGHT myself. I credit that to the Lord and also to the strength training (through yoga) of my legs. I caught myself both times. Both times when I felt myself falling - and not one of those graceful falls where you barely hurt yourself, but one of those falls that are going to leave a mark - I miraculously was saved. I am so very, very, very thankful and so very humbled at the same time. I didn't fall! Praise Jesus. I don't take it for granted. I've fallen one too many times to take NOT falling for granted.

I did something this past week that I've never done before: I went to the symphony by myself! I know it's probably not a huge thing to most people, but I'm not most people - ha! The tickets were originally my parents, but they couldn't go, so my Dad gave them to me. I was going to go with my sister-in-law, but she got sick. I tried to give them away, but to make a long story short, with a start time of 8pm, I decided at 5:30pm to bite the bullet and just go and I am so ever grateful that I did! I had a blast!! I met new people. I saw people from my church. I got to enjoy awesome music and singing. It was their Valentine's concert, so it was love songs from different movies. I felt a little awkward about going by myself to a Valentine's Day themed performance, but I decided to embrace my singleness and just do it. It was so fun!! Did I mention that I almost needed an ARK to get there and back? Torrential rain poured down all day and night and I looked like a drowned rat after the symphony (I did have my umbrella, but when the wind is blowing...), but I have now proven to myself that I can go to the symphony by myself and have fun!

So, as I said, this week was full of different emotions, different seasons and so much more. In the scheme of things, walking is walking. Sometimes I walk well, sometimes I don't, but when I look back on experiences, will walking be the only thing I remember? Absolutely not! It may encompass some memories (if I had difficulty, fell or on the opposite spectrum, walked beautifully), but I'll remember the experiences and events more than how I walked.

I have to include this in this post. I saw it shared on Facebook and it made me laugh. It has nothing to do with my walking, but it's medical, so it fits in right? Even if it doesn't, it's too funny not to share, so here go.

Now tell me you didn't laugh at that! :)

Thank you once again for reading and following along. I treasure each of you, because each of you are a part of my life's story. I'm truly blessed and God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 6, 2018

Another week is in the books...how did that happen?! Overall, the past week has not been bad, but I’ve struggled a little more with walking than I did the week before. Thankfully, my struggles are momentary. They come and they go. They frustrate me, but there’s always something in life that’s going to frustrate us, right? I try to move past frustration as quickly as possible. Some days or moments in time I’m better at that then others, but again, such is life! Walking may have been a little bit more of a struggle this week, but I didn't fall. And there were moments that I walked absolutely beautifully. It's those moments I try to hold on to.

This morning I got up early to work out (ride my stationary bike) and do yoga. It wasn’t until I got to the yoga part that I realized how off balanced I am today. I’m not dizzy, but I have no balance, if that’s even possible. Again, I'm shrugging it off to weather. We are supposed to be getting a lot of rain tonight. But no matter the reason, God used it to grow me.

There are a couple of poses that my instructor has taught me to do to bolster my balance: the tree pose and the warrior pose. I struggled through both today. But – I did them. Not gracefully and I had to use the wall to steady myself more than I wanted to, but I still did them.

God placed on my heart 2 Corinthians 12:9 “My grace is sufficient for you”. That verse, seriously, kept rolling through my head as I tried to steady myself enough to do the yoga poses. I don’t know why that verse came to mind, but for some reason, God wanted me to hear it. The full verse is:

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

I’ve heard this verse many times, but this morning the word that really jumped out at me was “sufficient”. The dictionary.com definition of the word, “sufficient” is “adequate for the purpose; enough”. So, God gives me (and you and everyone!) adequate and enough grace (undeserved love) to get through the situation at hand. It’s JUST ENOUGH. He knows what I need and when I need it. And He knows it ALL THE TIME.

I'll admit, I was frustrated with myself this morning until I realized “it is what it is” and I must give myself grace to accept that. I have no control. Yes, I can work-out, I can strengthen my muscles, I can adjust settings in my deep brain stimulation device, I can take medication, I can eat right, I can get enough sleep, but in the end – some things I have no control over. When I love myself enough to accept the grace I’ve been given by God – that’s when things change enormously. Sometimes, I give myself grace, but more times than not, I tend to be very hard on myself. We are our own worst critics/enemies, right?! For some reason, God chose a random Tuesday in February, while trying not to fall over, to illuminate me with the knowledge that HIS GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR ME. It was seriously (and literally) like letting out the biggest sigh of relief. I've known this verse my entire life, but today, I got this verse. It's amazing how God uses circumstances and all kinds of other things to lift the blinders from our eyes to reveal His Word in a new and different light and when He knows we are fully ready to understand and appreciate it.

While doing yoga this morning, not only did I have 2 Corinthians 12:9 stuck in my head, I also had the song “His Banner Over Me Is Love”. Where, why, how I got that song stuck in my head, I have no answers for, but there it was. I choose to think God wanted me to hear that too.

By the time I was “done” with yoga for the day, I decided to try the tree and warrior poses one more time and while I didn't do them as well as I’ve done them in the past, it was MUCH improved from 30 minutes before. Yay! My instructor is so very encouraging. I absolutely love working with her. Even on her "homework sheets" she's encouraging me:

On a side note, I always thought that yoga was just meditation and while that’s part of it, I’ve learned very quickly that it’s very physical. I actually break a sweat sometimes and I feel my muscles stretching. I like when I feel results (doesn’t everybody?!).

I know I've only spoken mostly of one day (today!) in this post, but it was the most fresh in my memory! Very quickly, I'll say that on Sunday I woke up and my entire left eye was swollen. I looked like a bull dog - ha! I took pictures for myself, but will refrain from posting them here. It was not a pretty site. It reminded me of what I looked like in the days after my deep brain stimulation surgery when my face "fell". That was the weirdest, coolest thing to see. My eyes and then my face swelled. I was warned it would happen, but it was still a shock! I have no idea what caused Sunday's swelling. Maybe I got bit by something. Within an hour, the swelling decreased and then by the time I got to church it decreased even more and by the time the service was over, it was barely noticeable. It only briefly scared me as I thought it might have something to do with my deep brain stimulation device, but I'm pretty sure it was an allergic reaction to something. What that something is, I haven't figured out yet!

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful, except that I did notice at times that it was harder to walk. But like I said at the beginning, such is life. I'm so very, very thankful for the great walking days and so very, very thankful that God sustains me on the days when walking is a struggle. He's with me all the time and I rest on that!

I'll close with this: God’s grace is written all over my life and I know God’s Got This!