Shouting From The Rooftop - December 13

Last week, I switched to Frequency C and was admittedly a little scared to do so – fearing that I might “lose” what I had already gained. But, God showed up in a BIG way. I am so thankful He gave me the faith to just trust Him.

I could still see signs this past week that I probably needed to go a little higher on the electricity, but for the first time I actually felt my foot COMPLETELY relax when I took a step. I couldn't believe it. I was actually (no pun intended!) stunned by it. It was an amazing feeling. It didn’t last too long (which is why I knew I still had to go up on the electricity), but for the moments it did, it was nothing short of a miracle. My hand even calmed down too.

Wednesday night was the second Wednesday of Advent. How appropriate for me that it was all about peace.

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Thursday night, I went and saw “A Christmas Carol” at the Clarence Brown Theatre with my mom, dad and my grandmother. It was a fantastic production. We had second row seats! Another reason it was so wonderful was that I didn’t have to deal with a walker. ;)

I took Friday off of work and didn’t really do much. I caught a cold, so I just hung out at the house. Friday night my mom and I went and saw a production of “Junie B. in Jingle Bells, Batman Smells” put on by a local Christian theater group called the Word Players. It was good and again we had second row seats!

Mom gave me her and my dad’s Christmas letter. There’s one line in there that gets me every time I read it: “We rejoice that Stephanie no longer uses a walker due to her successful deep brain stimulation at Vanderbilt!” I want to read that line over and over and over again!

Saturday, I walked into Kroger without a walker OR a cart – just my cane. I have never done that before. It wasn’t even planned. I just did it. I know this is not monumental to probably any of you reading this, but it was to me. People saw me walking in. I walked in front of people. I walked with just a cane. Ahhh!!!!! I have never, ever been this excited to go grocery shopping. The place was PACKED and several people commented on that very fact. You would have thought that it was Christmas Eve. All I could think about was shouting to people, “Did you see me? Did you see me walk in here with nothing but a cane?!!” But I kept my composure and didn’t embarrass myself. I did walk out with a cart because I had a lot of groceries. Hands down, December 10 was a monumental day. I even marked it on my calendar as such– haha.

Sunday was the 3rd Sunday in Advent – Joy! And yet again, very appropriate for what I’m going through. One thing that really, really resonated with me is a line my dad said in his sermon: “You can be unhappy and still be joyous.” How very, very true! You don’t have to necessarily be happy to still have joy in your heart. I feel that that is 100 percent me. I am definitely not always happy, but yet deep down in my heart, I am still joyous. I’m joyous because I know God’s got me in the palm of His hand. He loves me with an unending love.

After church on Sunday, my mom and I decided to take Genevieve up to the Townsend Christmas parade for a little while. She had a blast and kept telling everyone, “Merry Christmas” and then they would give her candy. She had more fun picking up all the candy than anything else. We were walking back to our car at the end and there were horses from the parade getting loaded back into their trailers. Genevieve wanted to touch them, so we asked their owners and they said it was OK. She loved that! All in all – Sunday was a fabulous day!

I took the day off from work on Monday and finally felt like doing the things I initially wanted to do on Friday. And more epic moments came my way. For the first time by myself I walked into and out of Walmart and Hobby Lobby walker/shopping cart free. NO WALKER. NO SHOPPING CART. I walked with a cane. I didn’t fall. I didn’t even stumble. You can’t even possibly begin to understand how monumental this is for me. I had in the past walked in and out of stores just using a cane but my mom or someone else was always there in case I needed them. But this time, I was all by myself. Ya’ll for 11 years I’ve been dealing with walking issues. Monday, God gave me another gift in this journey. Don’t ever, ever, ever take anything you have for granted. If you can walk or run anywhere your heart desires – thank the Lord for it.

At the very, very beginning of this journey something happened that left an indelible mark on my life. I remember, like it was yesterday, leaving my aunt and uncle’s house in GA on my way to Duke University for a consult with a neurologist there. Mom and I had stopped in GA to celebrate the baptism of my cousin, Dan’s first child – Jackson. As we headed on our way to Duke, I remember distinctly looking out the window of the car and saying to myself, “As long as I can walk, I’ll be OK.” I don’t know what possessed me to think that or even say that to myself. And all these years later, I now know that I’ll be OK even if I CAN’T walk. Oh, grant it, there are people much worse off than me who literally can’t walk. I CAN walk and always have been able to with assistance. But, I’m just reminded of how arrogant I was back then: “God, just let me be able to walk. If I can walk, I’ll be OK.” Umm….I’m sure God was sitting on His throne thinking, “My child, you have a LONG way to go.” I truly believe that God did not cause my walking issues, but He did allow them. And all these many years later, I’m just starting to see glimpses of why. I’m learning – ever so slowly – that my life is not my own. It’s God’s.

Back to yesterday. After running errands, I went over to my parent’s house for just a little bit to see Genevieve again. She completely melted my heart. Twice she told me that she liked my hair as she ran her fingers through it. I love that little girl SO MUCH!!

Do you ever tend to stop praying specifically about what you want? I mean, you still pray about it, but in general terms? I must admit, I do. I pray, “Please God, may I walk again.” But sometimes, I’m reminded that I must pray specifically for what I want: “Please God, may I be able to walk cane and walker free. May I be able to walk on my own without any assistance.” I’ve been convicted in my heart to start those specific prayers back up. I need to tell God exactly what I want. It doesn’t mean He’ll grant me everything I want, but at least I will have asked. ;)

Today, I again took another vacation day from work and again something else amazing happened. I prayed specifically that I would walk cane and walker free and that I would not need any assistance. I decided to go up by .10 in the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I’m now at 2.90 volts on Frequency C.

I had to make a quick trip to Walgreens to pick up some pictures. When I got there, I walked in using my cane. Once I got inside though, I spotted a coupon book. I grabbed it and started looking through it and the next thing I knew, I was walking by myself. I had “hooked” the cane over my arm when I grabbed the coupon book and literally, the next thing I knew I was walking WITHOUT a walker, shopping cart or cane. Now, grant it, I do this at home or at my parent’s house where there is carpet, but I have never done it in a store. MONUMENTAL. God gave me “just enough” distraction with the coupon book to walk without thinking and without assistance.

God reminded me once again that He is all powerful. He is good. He hears my prayers and He answers them. He’s given me faith to keep going. I must humble myself before Him. I must not be arrogant. Even if I fall a million times tomorrow or the day after, He is still with me. I know the devil will try to attack, but my God is bigger. My God will win the war EVERY TIME. God’s God This!!!!!

Turn-It-Over-And-Down Tuesday: December 6

I took last week off from work and it was a wonderful week. I missed my co-workers, but it was good to get the house decorated for Christmas and run errands. I had a great walking week too. Not flawless, but a great week nonetheless.

Wednesday (Nov 30) was the first Advent Wednesday of the season. I love Advent and Lent as much as I love Christmas and Easter. The first week of Advent is about Hope. This year, more than ever, Hope took on a whole new meaning. I have hope that God hears my prayers. My dad preached a sermon on Elizabeth. She was the cousin of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She had been unable to have a child, but that didn’t stop her, nor her husband, from praying for a child. God answered. Maybe 30 years after their first prayers went up, but nevertheless, HE ANSWERED. Elizabeth became the mother of John the Baptist. We should have the same hope. Maybe God won’t answer our prayers immediately. Maybe He won’t even answer them in the manner we like, but He hears and he answers – in HIS time. The other way Hope took on a new meaning for me this year is I now have an 8 month old niece/goddaughter named Hope. I can’t imagine life without her now. So, all the way around, the first week of Advent was a wonderful reminder of the hope we have in Jesus and how He cares for us!

Thursday, I ran errands and went shopping with my mom. I stunned myself by walking from Target down to Hobby Lobby ALL BY MYSELF (using the cane). They are pretty much right next to each other in Turkey Creek shopping center, but still a little jaunt for someone who has problems walking. My mom dropped me off at Target and then went and got her nails done. While she did that, I only had my own two feet and the cane to help me get around. I could have stayed the whole time in Target, but I really needed to go to Hobby Lobby too, so I walked. Sometimes I just need to try things to get over the fear of what may not even come to fruition. I am so happy that God gave me “just enough” courage to try.

On Sunday, I did something I hadn’t done in around 11 years: I used an umbrella!! I could never carry an umbrella and hold on to the walker at the same time, so I used a raincoat. But, Sunday, I finally got to use the yellow umbrella I purchased a couple of weeks ago. I was seriously happier about using the umbrella then I should have been. I mean, that’s not really something anyone cares that much about. But when you haven’t been able to do something in years, it’s kind of a momentous thing when you ARE able to do it. So, I used my yellow umbrella every chance I got on Sunday – even when it was only misting.

Also on Sunday, a church friend (Dave) said he thought of me earlier in the week as he was reading Golf Digest of all things. He asked if I knew what “the yips” was. I had heard of it before, but couldn’t remember where I’d heard of it or in what context. “Yips (according to Wikipedia) is the loss of fine motor skills without apparent explanation, in one of a number of different sports. Athletes affected by the yips demonstrate a sudden, unexplained loss of previous skills. Athletes affected by the yips sometimes recover their ability, sometimes compensate by changing technique, or may be forced to abandon their sport at the highest level.”

According to the Mayo Clinic’s website, “Yips are involuntary wrist spasms that occur most commonly when golfers are trying to putt. However, the yips can also affect people who play other sports — such as cricket, darts and baseball. It was once thought that the yips were always associated with performance anxiety. However, it now appears that some people have yips that are caused by a focal dystonia, which is a neurological dysfunction affecting specific muscles. Some people have found relief from the yips by changing the way they perform the affected task. For example, a right-handed golfer might try putting left-handed.”

Basically, “the yips” is a type of dystonia. Kind of cool. I told Dave, I felt like I had the yips going up to communion. I walk much better than I did on Sunday when I walked up to receive communion. When I think (or know) people are watching me walk, I trip up. Yep…definitely the yips. ;)

Also, I found it fascinating what the Mayo Clinic’s site said about how people found relief from the yips, because unknowingly, I’ve been doing just that. To calm my left hand down, I hold my cane in it. I’m not left handed. In fact, I do almost everything with my right hand, but since the surgeries, I’ve been using my left hand exclusively to hold my cane. It calms it down and gives it a purpose in life (haha).

Today, my co-worker, Debbie exclaimed, “Your hair is so long!” We haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks. I had taken a week off, then she took a week off and then we kept “missing” each other because when she was at work, I was off and when I was at work, she took off. Can you tell we are trying to use our vacation time before we lose it at the end of the year?! She couldn’t believe how much my hair had grown in 3 weeks. I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with my hair yet. There are days I like it short, but then there are days that I can’t wait for it to grow just a little more. I probably won’t grow it back out as long as it was, but shoulder length may work.

Today, I also did something I’ve never done before: I hit the “max” electricity that I’m allowed – ha! I had my device set on 4.40 volts on Frequency B. I had been praying about what to do. The conclusion I came to was that I was going to “up” the electricity one more time to 4.50 volts and if nothing happened, the following week, I would switch over to Frequency C. So I got my remote control out and tried to go to 4.50 with no success. It capped me at 4.40 volts. I could go down, but not up. So, for those who had or have been questioning if I have any guidance or direction on how high I can go with the electricity, apparently it’s 4.40 volts. :) I pondered for a moment on what I should do. I could stay at 4.40. I’ve seen success at that voltage. But at the same time, I know it can better. So…I took a leap of faith and switched frequencies. I’ll admit, for the first time, I actually was a little afraid to do so. I was afraid that the progress I had made on Frequency B might all be lost if I switched. But, you know what?! Sometimes you have to do what scares you the most to move forward in life. I’m now on Frequency C and back down to 2.80 volts (what it was set at when I changed to the frequency). Frequency C will vacillate (yes, that’s the word Dr. T. used and yes, I'm ashamed to admit, I had to look it up!) or basically rotate between Frequency A and Frequency B – that’s if I remember that correctly. Both Mom and I had a little difficulty in understanding what it exactly does. She heard one thing, I heard another. Dr. T. tried to explain it to us, but I’m still not sure if we’re sure we understand it – ha! I do remember him saying that some patients thrive on this frequency and it’s a great way to save on battery life. Now, I just wait and see.

As I close this post, I’m reminded once again that God’s hand is in, over and around all things. I must not worry about what may not even come to fruition. I must trust in God and constantly remember that God’s Got This!

Turn-It-Up Tuesday: November 29

Happy Tuesday after Thanksgiving! It being Tuesday, I’ve once again upped the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device by .10. I’m now up to 4.40 volts. This past week made me realize that I’m still not “there” yet in regards to the right amount of electricity. Oh, I didn’t fall, nor did I have any really bad days, but I just know in my heart, I’m not there yet. I can’t really explain it, you’ll just have to trust me.

I do want to share some exciting news: I walked the length of my driveway and back with nothing but my own two legs and feet!! No amount of words can describe my giddiness over this. This is going to sound weird, but I didn’t even realize what I had done until I was halfway down the driveway. I was “distracted” by the fact that I was lining my driveway with Christmas lights. But, halfway down the drive, I realized what I was doing and then promptly stumbled a little, but didn’t fall. I tried walking my driveway again today and I did it - no walker OR cane!! I realize that sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. When I start to think about walking, I stumble. When there's no prompting, no over-analyzing, no overthinking, no expectations, I do it - I walk! Grant it, there are days when not even “not thinking” about it helps – that’s when I know the physical symptoms outweigh psyching myself out. Sometimes mind over matter works but other times the physical symptoms are just too much. As like most things in life, it’s a balancing act.

My toes kept curling under this past week – more than usual. I actually have callouses on my toes where I couldn’t lay them flat (even when really concentrating on doing so) and they rubbed up against my shoe. My left hand has been a little bothersome as well. My knuckles hurt from where I’ve had my hand balled up in a fist. It’s not really noticeable to anyone because thankfully I hold my cane in my left hand and it masks the symptoms. I do a "Dr. House" thing. I'm actually supposed to hold my cane in my right hand since my problematic side is my left side, but, I've found that holding the cane in my left hand works on so many different levels that I don't care that I'm "doing it wrong." My doctors don't seem to mind either, which I'm extremely thankful for. If I used my right hand to hold my cane, I do believe my left hand would be more noticeable. Let me make it clear – I’m not complaining about anything, just merely stating facts. I am in a MUCH, MUCH better place than I was a year ago. I still get overwhelmed with awe at how God has and keeps working in my life.

My mom is an eternal optimist. She is able to find something good in every situation. Unfortunately, I didn’t inherit this quality from her. I’m more the “woe is me” type. But strangely enough through this whole experience, I’m starting to see myself being a little more optimistic. I just re-read what I wrote in that last sentence and it makes no logical sense to me. I should be more pessimistic, because that’s my personality. But, when it comes right down to it, I’m not. God is changing my heart. I WANT to be more optimistic. I WANT people to see what God’s doing in my life. I WANT to be able to find some good in every situation. How can I NOT be anything but optimistic when I have so much to be thankful for, so much to praise God for? More than my walking getting better (and don’t get me wrong, great walking days make me SO happy!!), I’m learning to rely more on God then myself. I’m learning that what’s been handed to me doesn’t make me who I am in my core. Yes, my optimism is growing. My faith is growing. God’s Got This and because of that, I can be joy-filled in my soul.

Turn-It-Up Tuesday: November 22

My birthday was back in June, but the fulfillment of one of my birthday gifts happened this past week: I saw Dolly Parton in concert! The irony of it all is that while I live 45 minutes away from Pigeon Forge and Sevierville where Dolly is from, I went back to the state in which I was born (Alabama) to see her. Her Pigeon Forge concert sold out in probably mere minutes, so my mom and I took a road trip to Huntsville. As my mom commented it was my first “walker-free” road trip. A lot can change in 7 months.

Dolly was superb. Mom and I had so much fun. We had great seats and I didn’t fall once. While I did hang on to Mom while walking, it was mostly so we could go fast. I am still exceedingly slow and methodical, but holding on to Mom made me speed up. :)

Mom and I stayed at a hotel that was less than a mile away from the venue in which Dolly was performing at. We found out that there was a shuttle service to and from the concert, so we took advantage of that and it turned out to be awesome. We were let off right in front of the door and picked up at the same spot. We didn’t have to fight for or pay for parking. I found it amusing that I recognized and actually somewhat enjoyed the “perks” of walking with a cane. When people see you coming, they immediately part the Red Sea for you – ha!

Dolly, Dolly, Dolly….what can I say?! She was amazing, genuine, funny, at home, the consummate performer. Her voice was beautiful. I am so blessed and thankful that I got to see her. As Mom put it, “We have to see her before she either retires or dies.” I mean she is 70…so retirement may be soon. ;)

Mom and I had a wonderful stay at our hotel. We slept in and then ate breakfast. On our way back to Tennessee we stopped at Ollie’s discount store. Neither one of us had ever been in one. It was awesome. We spent quite a few hours in there. ;) The reason I bring Ollie’s up is two things happened there. One, I bought an umbrella!! OK, I know this isn’t breaking news, but I have not had an umbrella in 11 years, so it is kind of breaking news for me. I haven’t been able to carry an umbrella - much less use one - while using a walker. I’ve been contemplating buying one for the last few months, however I wanted a YELLOW one because it can quickly be identified in a sea of black umbrellas and because I wanted a cheerful color to brighten a rainy day. I had been looking for a yellow umbrella, but had not found one. That is until Ollie’s. I found and bought my yellow umbrella! Now, I just can’t wait to use it.

The second thing that happened at Ollie’s was that I bought some candles. But being the clumsy person I am, as soon as I got to the car, I promptly dropped them and they shattered. By this time, my legs were starting to get tired. But, I had to walk back in the store and tell the clerk what had happened. I was completely willing to pay for new ones, but she was super nice and didn’t charge me at all. I got to pick new ones out. I think it did help somewhat to be walking with a cane. ;) She made sure to bundle my new candles up so I wouldn’t have any more accidents and thankfully, I didn’t.

Mom and I had great conversation in the car and throughout the entire trip. I am so incredibly thankful for this gift of time with her and making memories.

I turned up the electricity in my DBS device again today by .10. I am still curling my toes under.

One of these days though, one of these days, I’m going to write a post and be able to proclaim success. What am I saying?! I’ve already had success! I mean, all I have to do is look back to last year and see that I’ve had success. Thank you, Jesus! I do have faith though that I will continue to see success. God’s priming me for something big. Maybe that something big is already taking place and I’m just not aware of it yet, but I know, without a shadow of a doubt that God’s plan is a million times better than anything I could ever even dream or imagine. I didn’t fall once this past week. I got everywhere I needed to go without using a walker. God’s working and I see it. Life isn’t perfect, but God is. He knows what He’s doing. I rest in that. God’s Got This!

Turn-It-Up Tuesday: November 15

I’ve stopped and started this post numerous times. I can’t find the “right” words to say. I want to be so very happy for the progress I’ve made, but on the other hand I read of people in utterly devastating circumstances, reeling from the loss of loved ones and I can’t help but feel a little guilty for my happiness. In the scheme of things, being able to walk or not walk seems completely frivolous when others are dealing with life and death situations. But, in the end, I’ve decided tonight to share my joy. I hope it helps, even for those who are hurting so deeply they don’t know where their next breath will come from. My heart breaks for those whose heart is broken. I ache for those who ache. I rejoice with those who rejoice.

This past week has been wonderful. Not perfect, but so very wonderful. I haven’t fallen. I feel (for the most part!) a lot steadier on my feet. It’s been what I needed. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I may just have “off” days/weeks/months, but in the end God makes everything beautiful again. He may bring me to the brink, but before He lets my foot fall, He pulls me back to safety. If only I remembered this in the moment that I feel like I’m falling off a cliff; that would be icing on the cake! Ha. But, seriously, God is good all the time. It may take me a day or two to realize what He’s done, but I am so, so thankful He gives me the ability to realize it at all!

I am going to say something that I never in a million years thought I’d say. It may be completely shocking to some. I confessed to my mom yesterday that I may, just may, actually, kind-of, a teeny-bit, like my hair the length it is now. For someone who has had long hair most of my life, I’ve completely shocked myself with this revelation. Grant it, I don’t love my hair every day. Who does?! But, it’s growing on me (and no, that wasn’t meant as a pun!). It took a co-worker acquaintance to help me realize this. Last week, she was walking through my row of cubes at work, stopped, turned around and said, “I’m no stylist, but I LOVE your hair. I don’t think you should grow it back out. It was one heck of an ordeal that you had to go through to get it, but I love your hair.” For the past few weeks, dare I even say months, people have been telling me how much they love my hair, but it’s been people that are close to me, whom I love. I thought they were just saying that to be nice. But hearing it from an “outsider” made it hit home. I still have time to change my mind, but as of today, I like the length. I LOVE the curl. I also love how easy it is (at least most mornings). There are terrible, no-good, bad hair days though too. On those days, I’m just grateful to have hair at all.

I turned the deep brain stimulation device up, just one notch to 4.20. I feel like I may be on the cusp of being at the right level, but just not quite there yet. So, I’ll see what 4.20 does. Eventually, I may want to test the waters with level C (I’m on level B now), especially before I go back to Vanderbilt at the end of January, but for now, I’ll leave it on B. The goal: to walk walker AND cane free.

Someone asked me today if the surgeries, the disappointments, the frustrations, the doctor’s appointments, the shaving off of all my hair were all worth it. I didn’t even let her finish her sentence before I blurted out – YES! A million times over yes! I would go through it all again if I had to – it is SO worth it. And this is coming from a perfectionist who is NOT seeing “perfect” results, but results just the same. All of this is so worth it. Last year at this time, the only way for me to get from point A to point B was using a walker. Today, I can use a cane. I never thought I’d be so happy to say I’m using just a cane, but perspectives change!! Here's an example of this: I got to an appointment a few minutes early today. I was kind of glad because I had enough time to use the bathroom before it. But then I remembered that the bathroom there was super small. At first, I thought, “Oh shoot, I can’t use the bathroom here because it’s too small and my walker won’t fit in it.” But then, a HUGE smile came across my face when I realized I wasn’t using, nor had the walker with me. It’s a small thing for most people, but for me, it’s so, so big.

The next “big step” for me will be to actually remove the walker from my car.;) It’s my safety net now. I haven’t used it in months, but it’s a comfort to know it’s there if I need it. I know it’s silly, but it is what it is. Maybe by the end of the year I’ll remove it. Maybe. I’ve learned and am continuing to learn that I have to do things on my own timeline. If I rush it, it won’t work. If I try to fit in to everyone else’s expectations (or what I think are other’s expectations of me), it won’t work. I just have to walk to the beat of my own drum. God’s timing is perfect.

This morning, I quickly got on Facebook for about two minutes and one of those “memories” posts came up. This very day last year, my sweet friend, Kristen drove me to Vanderbilt. I checked into the hospital and prepared for the spinal tap I’d have the next day to see if a Baclofen pump would help me in any way. I was very grateful that it ended up not working. It lead to where I am today and what a difference a year makes. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed. All the tears and frustrations and tests and worries – God worked (and is continuing to work) them all out.

I’ve experienced every emotion possible in this journey and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so, but for right now, I’m rejoicing in happiness. If you know me at all, you know I tend to have more of a worried/melancholy view of life. My immediate reaction to things is to be pessimistic – to always expect the worst. I think in some ways I look at life that way so as to protect myself, to prepare myself for when things go horribly wrong. I use it as a coping mechanism. But the beautiful surprise in this journey has been how God has worked and is continuing to work in my life. This journey overall has brought me more optimism then I ever thought possible. I’m seeing things through a different lens these days. I’m more joyful and content. I'm happier. It takes work to see things more optimistically when my tendency is not to see things that way, but I am seeing changes. I had heard that DBS surgery could change people's personalities for the worst, but never had I heard it changing people’s personalities for the best. In reality, I know it’s not the surgery that’s changed my outlook on life; it’s God that’s changed it. Could it be that the greatest blessing(s) I get out of this whole journey is/are something even greater than being able to walk without assistance?! God’s working on me. I still have a way to go, but GOD’S GOT THIS!!!!

Turn-It-Up Tuesday: November 8

After having some not so great walking days in the past few weeks, this past week was wonderful! It’s amazing to me (but shouldn’t be) how a streak of good walking days can brighten my outlook on life. I shouldn’t be amazed by this, for I know the Lord is behind and in every fabulous day. I also know he’s there on the not-so-fabulous days too and for all of this, I thank him profusely. I continue to marvel at how He’s working in my life.

My second week of being at 4.00 volts of electricity was MUCH better than my first week at that level. I didn’t fall and felt more stable than I have in a while and yet – my toes still curled under. So – today, I upped the electricity up to 4.10 volts to see if that will allow my toes to lay flat.

This past weekend was soul reviving. Soul reviving because I got to spend some quality time with my 2 year old niece. Seeing life through her eyes is truly magical. An example of this was: She started digging in gravel and I asked her what she was doing. She said she was digging for treasure. When her treasures are rocks and pebbles, sticks and grass, it reminds me of what truly matters in life. Faith. Family. Friends. Relationships. That’s what matters most. I took Genevieve to Cades Cove.

I thought a drive around the 11 mile loop would be awesome, but it turned out to be so much more. We got out at almost every stop. We explored the cabins and walked and walked and walked in fields of grass. I didn’t fall once. I didn’t trip. I didn’t slip. I was able to move and explore and just live life without worrying about falling.

Randomly, I would say, “I love you, Genevieve.” And she would respond, “I love you, Teplanie.” Melt my heart! I took pictures of her and then she asked to take pictures of me. I gave her my phone and she went to town!

Then she chased butterflies. She chased me. We had a blast. She declared a wood shack “her house”. She doesn’t see me as “broken” or “disabled” or “different” in any way. The first time she saw me with my real hair (after I stopped wearing the wig) she said, "Hair! Pretty. I touch?" (We taught her not to touch the wig since it would get dirty faster if she did). Then she said, "Curly. I like." This past weekend, when I held her, she'd mindlessly run her fingers through my hair. Those little moments are what I'll remember forever. She’s so pure and innocent and I love that. She’s not prejudiced. She loves me for me. I love her for her. I’m her aunt and she’s my niece. She laughed and giggled all day long. Because she laughed and giggled all day, I laughed and giggled all day. That was soul reviving to me. I didn’t know how much I needed that until I had it. The only thing I could think to pray all weekend was, “Thank you”. Thank you, Jesus for giving me, TWO precious treasures to love. I have two nieces that I love with all of my heart. I can’t wait to take the other niece to Cades Cove when she’s older. When I look at my nieces, I ask God what I did to deserve them in my life. I know the answer is: I did nothing. I didn’t do anything to be this blessed, but I realize that God gave me these beautiful treasures as a gift and all I can say is, “Thank you, Jesus!”

God’s working on my fear of walking in front of people. The fear is dissipating. It’s not gone entirely, but it’s better. I feel a little more confident. I still get jittery in certain situations, but I realize that I can’t live life without having to walk in front of people – ha! So, I just have to walk and trust God that I won’t fall. And if I fall, I have to trust God that I’ll get back up again. I may be embarrassed for a moment or two, but in the grand scheme of things, I’ll be OK!! I’m a little scared that I’m typing this tonight and that I’ll fall tomorrow and not be so confident. But you know what? That’s life. I can’t just lay down and die. I have to get from Point A to Point B. No matter how hard it may be, I have to do it. Make no mistake, this past week was not perfect, but no one is perfect except God Himself. So – I walk. I pray for courage. I pray for confidence. I pray for healing. I trust God that all will be OK.

In the past, I’ve had multiple days and/or weeks of feeling like I can’t walk without falling followed by multiple days and/or weeks of good walking. Even if this remains the case, I know God’s in control. I will REJOICE greatly if good walking days remain forever, but I’ll REJOICE in whatever God’s plan is, because no matter what, God’s Got This!!

Tune-In Tuesday: November 1

I’m starting this entry off with good news: no falling this past week! Oh, there were near misses, including one today, but NO FALLS.

More good news (for you!): I’m exhausted tonight and it’s only Tuesday. ;) But because of that, this blog entry will be rather short.

Nothing “big" (good or bad) happened walking wise this past week. Sometimes it’s good to be mundane!

Today, I decided to leave the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device on 4.00 volts. I’m not keeping it at 4.00 because I can suddenly walk without issue, but rather I want to see if my walking gets any better as the days go by. I would have said yesterday, that the answer to that would have been no, but God likes surprising me and today walking was just a tad bit better! My toes still curl under but not as drastically as they had been. At times, I see signs of too much electricity, but at other times, I see signs of too little. So, I’ll keep experimenting until I don't need to experiment any more. I can't tell you when that will be - only God knows! It'll happen when He speaks it.

Someone at church commented that I’m “slow and steady”. I said, “Well, I’ve got the slow part down, but not so much the steady part.” ;)

I know that God is for me, so who can be against me? God gives me everything I need, when I need it. Sometimes, I have to remind myself daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, not to worry or fear, but that’s what keeps me humble and in prayer. There is a reason that my life verse is Philippines 4:6: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

Thank you for the continued prayers and love. I am blessed beyond measure. All I need to remember is, "God's Got This!"