Fear, Faith and Everything in Between

I'm just going to be honest - I'm starting to get really anxious about deep brain stimulation. Not anxious in that I don't want to do it (I do want to do it!), just anxious of the unknown. It's getting really real. Over this past week though, I've seen God in many ways and although my anxiousness is still there, I think God is allowing it to keep me closer to Him. The more anxious I get, the more I pray. :) A couple of weeks ago in his sermon, my dad said that sometimes God whispers so that we'll have to get really close to Him to be able to hear what He's saying. I've been taking that analogy with me through the past couple of weeks. I must confess though that I have not been reading God's Word like I should be. I even had the thought and talked to God about when I'm too tired to read His word or pray, I am so thankful that there are others who step in on my behalf and pray for me. Not that I shouldn't be praying and reading His Word all the time, I'm just very thankful for those who pray for me. I like to think of it like a "Moses moment". When Moses got too tired to keep his arms risen (to allow the Israelites to defeat the Amalekites - Exodus 17:10-13), he had help from others who held his arms up for him. So, thank you to all of you who are "holding my arms up".

There is a ministry at my church called the Prayer Shawl Ministry. There are several ladies in my church who crochet these beautiful shawls and then my dad prays over them. Then they are given to those who are sick or having surgery. It's to remind them that they are being prayed for. My dad picked one out for me - one that he liked and thought I would like - prayed over it and gave it to me. I absolutely love it and am very blessed to have it.

A retired pastor who is helping my dad and Pastor Mark out at church by preaching on Wednesday nights gave me this book and it's also been a huge blessing. Thank you, Pastor Steve.:

If you're on Facebook with me, you'll know that I got this beautiful drawing from a co-worker's 2-year-old little boy. It definitely brightened my day and brought a smile to my face:

I found it a little funny, when I got home from work on Friday and found my "Neurology Now" magazine in the mail. Perfect timing! I also got my "People" magazine. I like both of them the same. :)

I also got in the mail on Friday a letter from a friend with the most awesome magnetic bookmark. It's my life verse!! Thank you so very much for this, Kim. I love it!!!

Today in the mail I got another card from another friend. Thank you, Jacqueline for your sweet card and for this prayer:

Tomorrow is when I feel like it might get really, really real for me. I get my hair cut. I'm not sure if I'll be brave enough to post any bald pictures, but we'll see. I had to laugh tonight though because as I was eating dinner, I noticed a strand of hair in my salad (I know, GROSS). It was my hair though and I took it as God giving me another sign that everything will be alright. I won't have to worry about finding hair in my salad for awhile!! :) There have been little signs like that all along the way. I'm just thankful that God's opening my eyes to see them.

Something that is majorly stressing me out is the weather. There's supposed to be snow and ice on Tuesday when I'm supposed to be heading to Vanderbilt. I have to be at Vanderbilt at 8:30am. But - just today, God made me realize again that HE is in control. He brought to my mind this event in Joshua 10:12-14: "On the day the Lord gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel:
“Sun, stand still over Gibeon,
and you, moon, over the Valley of Aijalon.”
13 So the sun stood still,
and the moon stopped,
till the nation avenged itself on[b] its enemies,
as it is written in the Book of Jashar.
The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. 14 There has never been a day like it before or since, a day when the Lord listened to a human being. Surely the Lord was fighting for Israel!"

If He can make the sun stand still and the moon stop, He most certainly can change the weather on Tuesday. So, my prayer is that there will not be ANY ice whatsoever between Knoxville and Nashville and I won't have to reschedule anything. Lord, I do believe You can do this - help me with my unbelief.

February 16 at 10am (Central time) is my first procedure. Under general anesthesia, I'll get an MRI and CT scan and get bone markers (screws) inserted into my skull. It sounds scary (the getting screws in part), but it's actually the least invasive, least taxing of the 3 surgeries. Is it weird that I'm more scared about going under general anesthesia than I am about being awake during the actual deep brain stimulation surgery on the 23rd?! I've always had two fears about general anesthesia. One is that I won't get enough and feel everything but not be able to tell anyone. The other is my biggest fear - that I'll just never wake up. I feel very vulnerable right now admitting those fears, but they are my fears, so no use in saying they aren't. I've heard many people say I'm so brave or I'm an inspiration or I'm so strong. While it's super flattering to hear that, I'm none of those things. I worry all the time. My faith wobbles. I'm insecure. I'm emotional. I'm stubborn. I have a temper. So, I should NOT be put on any pedestal. I'm just a girl who wants to be able to walk as normally as possible. I want to serve Jesus. I want to love unconditionally. I want to be who God wants me to be.

My dad had an awesome sermon last week that really spoke to me on several levels. The title of it was "All In". That's what I want to be - all in - in regards to my faith in God, my service to Him and even in this whole Deep Brain Stimulation process. All in!