"Stand firm, and you will win life." (Luke 21:19 NIV)
I know, I’m probably majorly taking the above verse out of context, but I read it this morning and it pierced me. Maybe it pierced me because I haven’t LITERALLY been able to “stand firm” this past week, so I’ve had to stand on the firm foundation that God knows what He’s doing and I shouldn’t put my two cents worth in. Maybe it’s for the simple “you will win life”. Life isn’t about walking or falling, but rather about relationships and Jesus.
It’s definitely been an interesting week! It’s been interesting on several levels. I’ve seen how my body reacts to stress and the weather in a way that I haven’t been tuned in to before. But more than that, I’ve been blessed so richly and abundantly BECAUSE of the problems I’ve had this week, that I almost don’t mind the falls I’ve had to have to see how richly I’ve been blessed. Let me stress, ALMOST. I really dislike falling, so God and I have this conversation every morning:
Me: "God, please, please, please don’t let me trip, slip or fall today."
Me (about 5 seconds after the first plea (I mean prayer): “God, please, please, please don’t let me slip trip or fall."
God:
“But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.” (Luke 21:14 NIV)
“Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'" (Luke 18:27 NIV)
“And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?” (Luke 18:7 NIV)
And probably my favorite this week:
“yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me.” (Luke 18:5 NIV) – Persistence, people, persistence!!
And another good one…
“Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.” (Luke 13:13 NIV)
Can you tell, I’m reading Luke right now? Haha. But God has brought about so many golden nuggets that I had to share!!
A couple of weeks a go in Sunday school, we started talking about the “thorn in my side” that Paul was given. There’s much speculation on what that “thorn-in-his-side” was. Some say it might have been his eyesight. My Sunday School leader, Brian, said that whatever it was it sounded like Paul had to rely on others to take care of him at times. In all my years, I had never heard it explained like that. I really took it to heart. Paul had to ask people to help him. Somehow, with that explanation, I found comfort.
After proudly declaring that it was a “no-fall week” last week on the blog, the very next day, I fell. ;) It wasn’t a “normal” fall though (if there is such a thing). It was in a confined space where I had walls and doors and things to grab ahold of. It just happened. One second, I was up and the next I was sprawled all over the floor. Thankfully, I was only in front of friends. (It would have been better if 1) I hadn’t fell at all or 2) I hadn’t fallen in front of anyone but since none of that happened, I’m glad I fell in front of friends!) I seriously don’t know how it happened, it just did. But what do you do when you fall? You get back up and carry on. Again, easier said than done, but I did it with God’s help. I did cry though – I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t so much over the falling, but everything that was going on around the fall. It was a stressful week. My friend/co-worker, Sarah, helped me come to the realization that stress takes many forms and I guess in me, it manifests physically sometimes. I’m sure I’ll learn to manage it better and hopefully figure out a good setting to go to (in regards to the deep brain stimulation device) when stressful situations arise and I need a little more help to walk.
The second fall came on Sunday in church. Here’s hoping a lot of people didn’t see it. It happened (again!) in a place and time that I never thought it would. After making it successfully up to, through and back from communion, I fell in the aisle to my chair. I had chairs to hang on to and people to hang on to and suddenly, one second I’m up and the next I’m down on my knees! I didn’t hurt myself and I was up as quickly as I went down, hoping people that saw me either thought that I was praying or that I was grabbing something off the floor. ;) I think most people were distracted enough going up to communion that they didn’t even notice. It did give me a whole new meaning to the song we sang after communion, “Lead Me to the Cross” and these lyrics from the song:
“Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross”
I do believe that God loves when we laugh and I seriously had to laugh (internally) that not even a few minutes after I fall, I hear “Bring me to my knees”.
As tough as walking can get, the Lord ALWAYS allows me to trade those bad days in for good and He ALWAYS makes me laugh, think and downright SEE HIM in every situation. After my fall on Sunday, I decided that I would walk with someone outside to my car. I was thinking maybe my mom or one of my sister-in-laws. Well, all of the sudden, I look and they’ve all left!! (If they are reading this, I am totally OK with everything, I just had to put what I’m going to say next in to context). So, I think to myself that I could get Dad to walk me out if I really needed to, but he was talking with people. So, I thought, “OK, God. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I know you are with me, so please don’t let me slip, trip or fall.” As soon as I prayed this, Todd appeared.
To get even more of a background on this, a few Sundays ago I was having problems walking in to church. I saw Todd walking in at the same time and I asked if I could walk with him. I didn’t need to hold on to him or anything, I just wanted someone to walk with. He obliged. We started talking and I got to know some of his backstory. I’ve been going to church with this man and his family for years (seriously, probably since moving here to Tennessee) and I never knew what he was telling me. He has his own medical issues with his eyes. Fast forward to the Sunday before last: after the installation of our new associate pastor that Sunday night, Todd saw me struggling a little to get to my car, so he came running out of church to help me. So, for him to just appear out of nowhere this past Sunday when I needed him most, right after I’d prayed – you cannot tell that that wasn’t God. I know without a shadow of a doubt, it was!! And I told Todd so. I told him that he was a blessing from God and an answer to prayer. He told me that he had been praying that God would use him to bless others. God answered BOTH of our prayers. How utterly awesome is that?!!!!
I’ve also been blessed immensely by my co-worker and friend, Sarah. She just calls it “walking and talking with a co-worker” (as does my other co-worker and friend, Debbie), but to me it is SO MUCH more. Sarah has been walking out of work with me a few times this past week, just to lend a steady hand if I need it. I have been so incredibly blessed by this. It’s meant the world. The weather has been rainy and icky. My walking has been extremely effected by this. Sarah has been incredibly kind and patient walking just as slowly as I do, so that just in case I need some help, she’s there. I have to say that ALL my co-workers have been just as kind. I am SO BLESSED.
Even with walking poorly, I’ve kept the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device the same as it was last week. I really am convinced that if this weather will clear up, my walking will too. But, if doesn’t after this week, I’ll revisit turning the electricity up or down.
So, you may be wondering (or maybe not, just humor me!) why I don’t go back to using the cane or the walker when I really need it. My dad has begged me to. Friends have mentioned that it’s not a failure. The truth is, I’m afraid I’ll become dependent on them again. I was speaking with someone today and I told her that I think my fear of falling is just as great, if not greater than actually falling. I need to fight that fear by doing what I fear the most: walking without assistance. I’m not completely stupid though. If I truly feel like I can’t walk, I will use (or at least carry) the cane. But, right now I’m in a battle with myself over fear. So, it’s between me and God. Today, I had the vision of Peter walking on water stuck in my head. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he could walk. It was fear and taking his eyes off of Jesus that made him stumble. I also had the vision today of my foot in Jesus’ hand. He has me in the PALM of HIS HAND – ALWAYS!! Why do I forget this every five minutes?! He’s kept me safe thus far and He’ll continue to keep me safe. There is nothing that happens in my life that He doesn’t already know about, that He hasn’t already ordained, that He hasn’t already turned around for His good. Why then must I worry? I shouldn’t and with God’s help, with my very being in the palm of His hand, I’ll be alright. God’s Got This!!
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
Tuesday, August 1, 2017
Tune-In Tuesday: August 1
This past week has seen more GOOD days then bad and for that, I’m eternally grateful!!
I was talking with a high-up executive at work yesterday (who knows about my walking issues) and he said, “I saw you walking in the other day!” I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, was it a good walking day or not?!” He could have seen me walk well or he could have seen me fall in the flowers – haha! He didn’t go any further and I didn’t press him. I really, really, really hope he saw me on a good day though!
I am happy to report that I haven’t had any more falls or embarrassing situations this past week, so that’s a win! God’s kept me upright and (somewhat!) stable. Like I’ve said in an earlier post, I try to rationalize everything in regards to how I’m walking. Like, “Oh, I must be walking bad today because of the weather.” BUT – I’m learning that the more I try to rationalize, the more I drive myself crazy. It is what it is! This past week’s stab at rationalization was that there is a very, very, very fine line between when I’ve over-done walking and when I haven’t done enough. Saturday, I felt wonderful, so I ran errands. Saturday night, I realized that maybe I’d over-compensated and I was spent! This also meant that I had trouble walking on Sunday, but not all the time. What got me the most on Sunday was the church parking lot. I’m like a deer in the headlights. It’s this vast parking lot with nothing to grab ahold of if I feel myself falling and I tense up. Thankfully, I have wonderful church friends who lend hands when need be, or just walk with me if all I need is moral support. However, when I’m inside church, I walk well on the carpet and so-so on the gym floor. Go figure!
I had to make a decision this week on which neurologist I would see exclusively. The reason? Well, it turns out that my Knoxville neurologist and my Nashville-now-turned-Knoxville neurologist have ended up at the same neurology practice here in Knoxville.
A little background in case you’re new around here: A few years ago I had to find another neurologist as mine was moving out of state. Thanks to a friend and fellow church member, I started seeing Dr. LeForce. He’s the one that suggested deep brain stimulation. At the time, his practice referred deep brain stimulation patients to Vanderbilt. So, Dr. LeForce referred me and I met Dr. Tolleson. While going through all the DBS appointments and the like, I saw Dr. Tolleson in Nashville and Dr. LeForce here in Knoxville. Dr. Tolleson controlled all my adjustments to the DBS and was in on the DBS surgery. Dr. LeForce prescribed all my medication. Fast forward to January 31 of this year. I was at a follow-up appointment with Dr. Tolleson in Nashville. At the end of the appointment, he said, “I’m not going to be able to be your neurologist anymore.” I was absolutely crushed as I’d grown to really like and trust him. Seriously, I wanted to cry. But in the next breath he said, “I’m moving to Knoxville.” I didn’t know if I had heard him correctly, “Did you say, Knoxville? As in Tennessee?” “Yes”, he responded. And then I burst out, “I live in Knoxville!!”. He had forgotten that I traveled to see him. He turned to his resident and said, “Well, that’s not the reaction we’ve been getting when we tell people this news!” He said I was free to follow him to Knoxville. Yay! A couple of months later (I think in April), I got a letter in the mail from Dr. LeForce. He said that after much consideration he was leaving the practice he was at and joining a neurological practice at the University of Tennessee. He said that I was more than welcome to follow him there or find a new neurologist. I, of course, was going to follow him. Now fast forward to about a month ago. I realized that I was almost about to run out of medicine. I called Dr. LeForce’s old office and left a message because I didn’t know the phone number to his new office. I got a call back and they gave me the new number. I put it in my phone for safe keeping. Then, when I started falling a few weeks back, I called the University of Tennessee Medical Center to get Dr. Tolleson’s new number. When they gave it to me, I dialed it and Dr. LeForce’s name came up in my phone. Needless to say, both neurologists work in the same practice now. I got in to see Dr. Tolleson on July 20 and while there, completely forgot to ask about whom I should be seeing. I only remembered this week, when I saw that I had an appointment with Dr. LeForce on August 3. So on Sunday, I brought up my dilemma to my family. They helped me hash it out. My ER doctor brother said he would go with Tolleson, since he’s the one who adjusts my deep brain stimulation device. Then it warmed my heart because he said that Tolleson is strictly focused on movement disorders whereas LeForce is general neurology. I asked him how he knew that and he said that he was talking to a neurology drug rep and asked the rep if he knew a new-to-town neurologist by the name of Tolleson. The drug rep said yes, but he didn’t deal with him because Tolleson is specifically focused on movement disorders and the drugs he was selling didn’t fit under that category. It warmed my heart to hear this because my brother had no other reason to ask about Tolleson other than me. ;) Anyway, after we all talked, I felt better. I called the neurology practice on Monday and had to leave a message explaining my situation. When the scheduler called me back, she said, “I see that you have an appointment with Dr. Tolleson in October, but I don’t see any appointment made with LeForce for August 3.” That’s when I told her that the appointment was made before he switched practices. She then said that all of those appointments had been wiped out when he moved practices (I should of known that!). She said that she talked with both doctors (or their nurses) and they were both fine if I wanted to see Dr. Tolleson exclusively (I had stated that in my message). So, Dr. Tolleson it is. Whew! That was a hard decision to make. I really do like both doctors, but it makes no sense to see them both.
So, that’s what went on this past week. I am so, so thankful that my walking has been better. I didn’t mess with the electricity this week since I seem to be in a good spot. It’s not 100 percent, mind you, and there have been times when I’ve needed help, but overall, it’s been pretty sweet.
Sometimes, it still strikes me that I’m walking with my own two feet without a walker or cane. It’s in those moments that I stop and thank the Lord for His goodness. And when there are days that I can hardly walk, well I stop and thank Him that I made it from point A to point B and I remember the times I have been able to walk. It’s definitely a journey. Some days I’m in the valley and other days I’m on the mountaintop. But I always remember that God’s Got This!!
I was talking with a high-up executive at work yesterday (who knows about my walking issues) and he said, “I saw you walking in the other day!” I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, was it a good walking day or not?!” He could have seen me walk well or he could have seen me fall in the flowers – haha! He didn’t go any further and I didn’t press him. I really, really, really hope he saw me on a good day though!
I am happy to report that I haven’t had any more falls or embarrassing situations this past week, so that’s a win! God’s kept me upright and (somewhat!) stable. Like I’ve said in an earlier post, I try to rationalize everything in regards to how I’m walking. Like, “Oh, I must be walking bad today because of the weather.” BUT – I’m learning that the more I try to rationalize, the more I drive myself crazy. It is what it is! This past week’s stab at rationalization was that there is a very, very, very fine line between when I’ve over-done walking and when I haven’t done enough. Saturday, I felt wonderful, so I ran errands. Saturday night, I realized that maybe I’d over-compensated and I was spent! This also meant that I had trouble walking on Sunday, but not all the time. What got me the most on Sunday was the church parking lot. I’m like a deer in the headlights. It’s this vast parking lot with nothing to grab ahold of if I feel myself falling and I tense up. Thankfully, I have wonderful church friends who lend hands when need be, or just walk with me if all I need is moral support. However, when I’m inside church, I walk well on the carpet and so-so on the gym floor. Go figure!
I had to make a decision this week on which neurologist I would see exclusively. The reason? Well, it turns out that my Knoxville neurologist and my Nashville-now-turned-Knoxville neurologist have ended up at the same neurology practice here in Knoxville.
A little background in case you’re new around here: A few years ago I had to find another neurologist as mine was moving out of state. Thanks to a friend and fellow church member, I started seeing Dr. LeForce. He’s the one that suggested deep brain stimulation. At the time, his practice referred deep brain stimulation patients to Vanderbilt. So, Dr. LeForce referred me and I met Dr. Tolleson. While going through all the DBS appointments and the like, I saw Dr. Tolleson in Nashville and Dr. LeForce here in Knoxville. Dr. Tolleson controlled all my adjustments to the DBS and was in on the DBS surgery. Dr. LeForce prescribed all my medication. Fast forward to January 31 of this year. I was at a follow-up appointment with Dr. Tolleson in Nashville. At the end of the appointment, he said, “I’m not going to be able to be your neurologist anymore.” I was absolutely crushed as I’d grown to really like and trust him. Seriously, I wanted to cry. But in the next breath he said, “I’m moving to Knoxville.” I didn’t know if I had heard him correctly, “Did you say, Knoxville? As in Tennessee?” “Yes”, he responded. And then I burst out, “I live in Knoxville!!”. He had forgotten that I traveled to see him. He turned to his resident and said, “Well, that’s not the reaction we’ve been getting when we tell people this news!” He said I was free to follow him to Knoxville. Yay! A couple of months later (I think in April), I got a letter in the mail from Dr. LeForce. He said that after much consideration he was leaving the practice he was at and joining a neurological practice at the University of Tennessee. He said that I was more than welcome to follow him there or find a new neurologist. I, of course, was going to follow him. Now fast forward to about a month ago. I realized that I was almost about to run out of medicine. I called Dr. LeForce’s old office and left a message because I didn’t know the phone number to his new office. I got a call back and they gave me the new number. I put it in my phone for safe keeping. Then, when I started falling a few weeks back, I called the University of Tennessee Medical Center to get Dr. Tolleson’s new number. When they gave it to me, I dialed it and Dr. LeForce’s name came up in my phone. Needless to say, both neurologists work in the same practice now. I got in to see Dr. Tolleson on July 20 and while there, completely forgot to ask about whom I should be seeing. I only remembered this week, when I saw that I had an appointment with Dr. LeForce on August 3. So on Sunday, I brought up my dilemma to my family. They helped me hash it out. My ER doctor brother said he would go with Tolleson, since he’s the one who adjusts my deep brain stimulation device. Then it warmed my heart because he said that Tolleson is strictly focused on movement disorders whereas LeForce is general neurology. I asked him how he knew that and he said that he was talking to a neurology drug rep and asked the rep if he knew a new-to-town neurologist by the name of Tolleson. The drug rep said yes, but he didn’t deal with him because Tolleson is specifically focused on movement disorders and the drugs he was selling didn’t fit under that category. It warmed my heart to hear this because my brother had no other reason to ask about Tolleson other than me. ;) Anyway, after we all talked, I felt better. I called the neurology practice on Monday and had to leave a message explaining my situation. When the scheduler called me back, she said, “I see that you have an appointment with Dr. Tolleson in October, but I don’t see any appointment made with LeForce for August 3.” That’s when I told her that the appointment was made before he switched practices. She then said that all of those appointments had been wiped out when he moved practices (I should of known that!). She said that she talked with both doctors (or their nurses) and they were both fine if I wanted to see Dr. Tolleson exclusively (I had stated that in my message). So, Dr. Tolleson it is. Whew! That was a hard decision to make. I really do like both doctors, but it makes no sense to see them both.
So, that’s what went on this past week. I am so, so thankful that my walking has been better. I didn’t mess with the electricity this week since I seem to be in a good spot. It’s not 100 percent, mind you, and there have been times when I’ve needed help, but overall, it’s been pretty sweet.
Sometimes, it still strikes me that I’m walking with my own two feet without a walker or cane. It’s in those moments that I stop and thank the Lord for His goodness. And when there are days that I can hardly walk, well I stop and thank Him that I made it from point A to point B and I remember the times I have been able to walk. It’s definitely a journey. Some days I’m in the valley and other days I’m on the mountaintop. But I always remember that God’s Got This!!
Tuesday, July 25, 2017
Turn-It-Down Tuesday: July 25
I know I just wrote a post on Thursday and it hasn’t even been a week, but it’s Tuesday and I write blog posts on Tuesday, so I’m just caring on the tradition. ;) Thank you, as always, for reading and following along on this journey!
Since Thursday (when I saw my neurologist), I’ve walked well and I haven’t walked well. It’s been a mix. Thursday was a good walking day. Friday was not. Saturday was OK. Sunday morning was not so good, but Sunday afternoon things started to improve. Yesterday was OK, but last night I made the decision to go down more on the electricity.
I turned my deep brain stimulation remote on and saw that Dr. Tolleson had me on Level A (the low level) at 3.00 volts. I hadn't touched it since he adjusted it on Thursday.
So, last night, I stayed on A but went down to 2.80 volts.
I wasn’t positive that I made the right decision though. I woke up in the middle of the night and could feel my foot twitching. Or – maybe I just dreamt that. I really have no idea and I'm being completely serious!!
When I got up this morning, I didn’t feel all that different, but by the time I got to work, I was walking better – yay!! A huge sigh of relief.
Today, I’ve walked pretty well. Not fantastic, mind you, but well. I always want more then I have. But I’m working on that. Actually, I should say God’s working in me on that!! I'm working on being thankful right where I'm at. God has shown me, through others, just how far I've come. It's wonderful to sometimes see progress through someone else's eyes.
I had an appointment I had to go to today, so I left work and ran into (not literally!) the guy that I had fallen in front of a week ago, but this time, no falls! In fact, I stopped and talked with him a minute as he was cleaning the fountains outside work. I didn't walk well in front of him or other co-workers coming in, but I got where I needed to get to (my car) without any falls, so I'm chalking that up to a win. Little victories lead to be big victories. Every time I walk, and walk with minimal effort, it builds my confidence. Every time I fall, it shakes my confidence. In the scheme of things though, I have a pretty sweet life.
Besides the electricity, I’m also trying really hard to be conscious of how I’m walking. I probably should of known this years ago, or maybe I did know it and forgot, but I was told/reminded that the big toe is in charge of stability and balance. All this time I’ve been walking on the outside of my foot (hence the callouses) when I need to be maneuvering my foot to walk more on the inside near the big toe. When I consciously walk like this, it’s amazing the balance I gain back! It’s almost miraculous. But, my muscle memory is to walk on the outside of my foot, so when I’m in a hurry or just not thinking about it, that’s the way I walk. So, I’m trying to retrain my brain. It’s hard, but not impossible. And with God, ALL things are possible. I literally take it step by step. Today was a good day though and for that, I am so very, very thankful.
I have to laugh - I was looking in the mirror tonight and saw a gray hair. Why on earth do gray hairs have to glisten?! My first instinct was to pluck it. But I didn't. I didn't because you know what? I EARNED that gray hair! Yes, I could pluck it. Yes, I could color it. Yes, I could try to hide it. But, ever since deep brain stimulation surgery, I treasure every hair on my head - no matter what color it is. Oh, yes, I definitely have bad hair days, but I'm learning to treasure those too. If you've ever lost your hair (whether it be to cancer, alopecia, or having to have it shaved for surgery like me), you know how precious every single hair is. So precious in fact, that God our Father knows the number of hairs on our head. He also knows that I lose a lot of hair in the shower every morning. ;)
I know that the Lord is for me and not against me. I know that through this whole journey He's teaching me valuable lessons and He's growing my faith in Him. I don't know His ways, but I know His ways are good and that they will always and forever be for my benefit. As always, God's Got This!!
Since Thursday (when I saw my neurologist), I’ve walked well and I haven’t walked well. It’s been a mix. Thursday was a good walking day. Friday was not. Saturday was OK. Sunday morning was not so good, but Sunday afternoon things started to improve. Yesterday was OK, but last night I made the decision to go down more on the electricity.
I turned my deep brain stimulation remote on and saw that Dr. Tolleson had me on Level A (the low level) at 3.00 volts. I hadn't touched it since he adjusted it on Thursday.
When I got up this morning, I didn’t feel all that different, but by the time I got to work, I was walking better – yay!! A huge sigh of relief.
Today, I’ve walked pretty well. Not fantastic, mind you, but well. I always want more then I have. But I’m working on that. Actually, I should say God’s working in me on that!! I'm working on being thankful right where I'm at. God has shown me, through others, just how far I've come. It's wonderful to sometimes see progress through someone else's eyes.
I had an appointment I had to go to today, so I left work and ran into (not literally!) the guy that I had fallen in front of a week ago, but this time, no falls! In fact, I stopped and talked with him a minute as he was cleaning the fountains outside work. I didn't walk well in front of him or other co-workers coming in, but I got where I needed to get to (my car) without any falls, so I'm chalking that up to a win. Little victories lead to be big victories. Every time I walk, and walk with minimal effort, it builds my confidence. Every time I fall, it shakes my confidence. In the scheme of things though, I have a pretty sweet life.
Besides the electricity, I’m also trying really hard to be conscious of how I’m walking. I probably should of known this years ago, or maybe I did know it and forgot, but I was told/reminded that the big toe is in charge of stability and balance. All this time I’ve been walking on the outside of my foot (hence the callouses) when I need to be maneuvering my foot to walk more on the inside near the big toe. When I consciously walk like this, it’s amazing the balance I gain back! It’s almost miraculous. But, my muscle memory is to walk on the outside of my foot, so when I’m in a hurry or just not thinking about it, that’s the way I walk. So, I’m trying to retrain my brain. It’s hard, but not impossible. And with God, ALL things are possible. I literally take it step by step. Today was a good day though and for that, I am so very, very thankful.
I have to laugh - I was looking in the mirror tonight and saw a gray hair. Why on earth do gray hairs have to glisten?! My first instinct was to pluck it. But I didn't. I didn't because you know what? I EARNED that gray hair! Yes, I could pluck it. Yes, I could color it. Yes, I could try to hide it. But, ever since deep brain stimulation surgery, I treasure every hair on my head - no matter what color it is. Oh, yes, I definitely have bad hair days, but I'm learning to treasure those too. If you've ever lost your hair (whether it be to cancer, alopecia, or having to have it shaved for surgery like me), you know how precious every single hair is. So precious in fact, that God our Father knows the number of hairs on our head. He also knows that I lose a lot of hair in the shower every morning. ;)
I know that the Lord is for me and not against me. I know that through this whole journey He's teaching me valuable lessons and He's growing my faith in Him. I don't know His ways, but I know His ways are good and that they will always and forever be for my benefit. As always, God's Got This!!
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Tune-In-Tuesday (but on a Thursday): Neurology Appointment July 20
God is good, all the time! And all the time, God is good! Today was a blessing!
I saw Dr. Tolleson (my Nashville-now-turned-Knoxville neurologist). I was nervous, but that's just who I am - haha!! I worry about the craziest things: will I be able to find his office? Will I be on time? Will I be able to walk? What if I got the date and time of the appointment wrong? SHEESH!!! Putting it down in words and seeing it in black and white, I realize how absolutely, utterly ridiculous my worries are!! That is why the Lord says, DO NOT WORRY. DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. Over and over and over again, He says this in the Bible and still - what do I do?! I worry! God gave me sign last night though. It was as clear as day. I was at church sitting in the pew with my parents (Dad wasn't preaching!) and my grandmother. The lesson wasn't on not worrying, but the leader was teaching from Matthew. My grandmother got out the pew Bible and looked up the verses. I glanced over and what did I see? "Do Not Be Anxious About Anything". Thank you, Jesus. I got that message loud and clear!
As I stated in my last post, I've been wearing the (surgical) boot to get in and out of places (walking in parking lots is hard when I feel like I have nothing to hold on to). I told Dr. Tolleson that I'm too stubborn to use the walker or cane again, so I use the boot instead. Today though, I tested myself. I got to the clinic and was determined to make it in with no walker, cane or boot. And you know what? With the Lord's help, I made it!! There was a gentleman walking in the same time I was (and NO he was not my age (older) or single...can you tell, I've been asked this earlier today?!). He asked if there was anything he could do to help me. I told him, no (but in a nice voice with a thank you at the end!). He had gotten to the door before me. He said, "OK, I'll just wait for you." Normally, I dislike people watching me walk (even the doctors - haha!), but today, for whatever reason, I didn't mind. He waited for me and then held the door open and then even let me get in front of him in the line. At 7:50 am there was already a back-up in the waiting room!! Thankfully there are multiple doctors! I got up to the receptionist and she couldn't find me in the computer. (See, maybe some of my worries are worth worrying about! Just kidding on that!). She did find me though on a piece of paper - haha. Turns out, they just got a new computer system on Monday and things were still a little wacky.
When I finally got to see Dr. Tolleson, it was like a breath of fresh air. Weird, I know. But everything around me was different. Different neurology group, different building, different receptionist, different waiting area, different everything, except the doctor! So yes, I was very happy to see Dr. Tolleson. He apologized for the wait, which in hindsight was not that long of a wait. He reiterated that they just got a new computer system and were all trying to figure it out. He asked how I was doing and I said great, up until the past 2 weeks when I'd fallen twice and tripped a lot. We talked and then he had me walk. I hate this part. I know he needs to see it, so he can help me, but I don't like walking with other people watching me. I know, I need to just get over it. ;) Easier said then done though on my part!! He did observe right away that I wasn't walking as good as I was when he last saw me (and had adjusted the settings on my deep brain stimulation device). He observed that my foot was turning in more. After walking the first time, he did some adjustments. His deep brain stimulation remote is much larger then mine. I asked him what all he could see with it. He said he sees the battery life of my device, what settings I'm on, when I change the settings, how long I'm on each setting. Basically, (as I told him!), I'm being tracked! I told him I feel like I'm coming in for a tune-up, every time I see him. In reality, that's kind of what it is!
One of my greatest worries/fears about this appointment was that he was going to tell me that there was nothing else that could be done. That this was as good as it was going to get. Praise be to the Lord, I was WRONG!!! He tinkered with the settings. At one point, my hand went all bionic on me and was doing things I wasn't telling it to do. At that, he said he had turned the device completely off, but then quickly retracted that statement and said it was on, he was just messing with settings. He did a few different settings and after each, he had me walk. I really couldn't feel a difference. After a few more adjustments, he told me what he had done. Instead of adding more settings, he decided to adjust the settings that he had already created.
A is low
B is the same as what I came in on
C is high
And now he's told me to play again. I can go up and down on the amount of electricity in each level, but the goal is to find one setting that really works and stay on that one. I told him, I had stayed on my previous level the longest: from the end of January to May. And it was working wonderfully, until two weeks ago. He did say that he thinks some of my problems do stem from still recovering from the foot/toe surgery. He thinks once that heals completely things will be better. He asked if I had the boot with me and I told him it was in the car. He said he had no problems with me wearing it, if I felt like I needed to. He also said I should try to walk without it (which I am doing!) and he emphasized again that the goal is to get on one setting and stay there. But in the next breath, he tells me to play around with the settings. Haha. What he said was that if a setting was intolerable then I should change it right away and not wait a week or 2, but otherwise I should give a setting 1 or 2 weeks worth of a chance. ;) He told me that he has me on the low level now (A). We'll see where that leads!
So now for some funny things, because laughter truly is the BEST medicine!
I now have a daily reminder of when I fell outside while walking into work. The poor flowers have a gaping hole where I landed in them. ;) I do thank the Lord that I landed in a soft spot though! It makes me laugh every time I walk by them. I hope I don't get in trouble for ruining the company's flowers!!
On Monday night, as I got to my car, I realized I didn't have my shoe with me. I ended up putting my boot on halfway through the day. It made me laugh to think what the cleaning crew must be thinking. "Why is there just one shoe in her cubicle?" Tuesday, I came in and found my shoe all the way at the back of my desk.
Back on July 12, after having worn my real shoe all day, I took it off and my foot looked like the Michelin Man.
And here's a picture I took today while at Dr. Tolleson's office:
Tonight, as I write this post, I am so grateful. I am thankful. From my littlest worry, to my biggest, God took care of every one of them. He didn't let me stumble (literally or figuratively). He answered every prayer. I am thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the people who are in my life. I saw this little thing on Facebook today and I love it, so I'm borrowing it. It goes:
"If you fail, never give up because F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning". End is not the end. In fact E.N.D. means "Effort Never Dies". If you get NO as an answer, remember N.O. means "Next Opportunity". Positive Thinking!!"
I also saw as a memory on Facebook, that I had posted this statement awhile ago: A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.
Today was a blessing. I'm alive. I have hope. I didn't fall. I walked ALL day boot free. I have a God who loves me no matter how many times I fail Him. I am reminded even more that GOD'S GOT THIS!!!
I saw Dr. Tolleson (my Nashville-now-turned-Knoxville neurologist). I was nervous, but that's just who I am - haha!! I worry about the craziest things: will I be able to find his office? Will I be on time? Will I be able to walk? What if I got the date and time of the appointment wrong? SHEESH!!! Putting it down in words and seeing it in black and white, I realize how absolutely, utterly ridiculous my worries are!! That is why the Lord says, DO NOT WORRY. DO NOT BE ANXIOUS. Over and over and over again, He says this in the Bible and still - what do I do?! I worry! God gave me sign last night though. It was as clear as day. I was at church sitting in the pew with my parents (Dad wasn't preaching!) and my grandmother. The lesson wasn't on not worrying, but the leader was teaching from Matthew. My grandmother got out the pew Bible and looked up the verses. I glanced over and what did I see? "Do Not Be Anxious About Anything". Thank you, Jesus. I got that message loud and clear!
As I stated in my last post, I've been wearing the (surgical) boot to get in and out of places (walking in parking lots is hard when I feel like I have nothing to hold on to). I told Dr. Tolleson that I'm too stubborn to use the walker or cane again, so I use the boot instead. Today though, I tested myself. I got to the clinic and was determined to make it in with no walker, cane or boot. And you know what? With the Lord's help, I made it!! There was a gentleman walking in the same time I was (and NO he was not my age (older) or single...can you tell, I've been asked this earlier today?!). He asked if there was anything he could do to help me. I told him, no (but in a nice voice with a thank you at the end!). He had gotten to the door before me. He said, "OK, I'll just wait for you." Normally, I dislike people watching me walk (even the doctors - haha!), but today, for whatever reason, I didn't mind. He waited for me and then held the door open and then even let me get in front of him in the line. At 7:50 am there was already a back-up in the waiting room!! Thankfully there are multiple doctors! I got up to the receptionist and she couldn't find me in the computer. (See, maybe some of my worries are worth worrying about! Just kidding on that!). She did find me though on a piece of paper - haha. Turns out, they just got a new computer system on Monday and things were still a little wacky.
When I finally got to see Dr. Tolleson, it was like a breath of fresh air. Weird, I know. But everything around me was different. Different neurology group, different building, different receptionist, different waiting area, different everything, except the doctor! So yes, I was very happy to see Dr. Tolleson. He apologized for the wait, which in hindsight was not that long of a wait. He reiterated that they just got a new computer system and were all trying to figure it out. He asked how I was doing and I said great, up until the past 2 weeks when I'd fallen twice and tripped a lot. We talked and then he had me walk. I hate this part. I know he needs to see it, so he can help me, but I don't like walking with other people watching me. I know, I need to just get over it. ;) Easier said then done though on my part!! He did observe right away that I wasn't walking as good as I was when he last saw me (and had adjusted the settings on my deep brain stimulation device). He observed that my foot was turning in more. After walking the first time, he did some adjustments. His deep brain stimulation remote is much larger then mine. I asked him what all he could see with it. He said he sees the battery life of my device, what settings I'm on, when I change the settings, how long I'm on each setting. Basically, (as I told him!), I'm being tracked! I told him I feel like I'm coming in for a tune-up, every time I see him. In reality, that's kind of what it is!
One of my greatest worries/fears about this appointment was that he was going to tell me that there was nothing else that could be done. That this was as good as it was going to get. Praise be to the Lord, I was WRONG!!! He tinkered with the settings. At one point, my hand went all bionic on me and was doing things I wasn't telling it to do. At that, he said he had turned the device completely off, but then quickly retracted that statement and said it was on, he was just messing with settings. He did a few different settings and after each, he had me walk. I really couldn't feel a difference. After a few more adjustments, he told me what he had done. Instead of adding more settings, he decided to adjust the settings that he had already created.
A is low
B is the same as what I came in on
C is high
And now he's told me to play again. I can go up and down on the amount of electricity in each level, but the goal is to find one setting that really works and stay on that one. I told him, I had stayed on my previous level the longest: from the end of January to May. And it was working wonderfully, until two weeks ago. He did say that he thinks some of my problems do stem from still recovering from the foot/toe surgery. He thinks once that heals completely things will be better. He asked if I had the boot with me and I told him it was in the car. He said he had no problems with me wearing it, if I felt like I needed to. He also said I should try to walk without it (which I am doing!) and he emphasized again that the goal is to get on one setting and stay there. But in the next breath, he tells me to play around with the settings. Haha. What he said was that if a setting was intolerable then I should change it right away and not wait a week or 2, but otherwise I should give a setting 1 or 2 weeks worth of a chance. ;) He told me that he has me on the low level now (A). We'll see where that leads!
So now for some funny things, because laughter truly is the BEST medicine!
I now have a daily reminder of when I fell outside while walking into work. The poor flowers have a gaping hole where I landed in them. ;) I do thank the Lord that I landed in a soft spot though! It makes me laugh every time I walk by them. I hope I don't get in trouble for ruining the company's flowers!!
On Monday night, as I got to my car, I realized I didn't have my shoe with me. I ended up putting my boot on halfway through the day. It made me laugh to think what the cleaning crew must be thinking. "Why is there just one shoe in her cubicle?" Tuesday, I came in and found my shoe all the way at the back of my desk.
Back on July 12, after having worn my real shoe all day, I took it off and my foot looked like the Michelin Man.
And here's a picture I took today while at Dr. Tolleson's office:
Tonight, as I write this post, I am so grateful. I am thankful. From my littlest worry, to my biggest, God took care of every one of them. He didn't let me stumble (literally or figuratively). He answered every prayer. I am thankful for my life. I'm thankful for the people who are in my life. I saw this little thing on Facebook today and I love it, so I'm borrowing it. It goes:
"If you fail, never give up because F.A.I.L. means "First Attempt In Learning". End is not the end. In fact E.N.D. means "Effort Never Dies". If you get NO as an answer, remember N.O. means "Next Opportunity". Positive Thinking!!"
I also saw as a memory on Facebook, that I had posted this statement awhile ago: A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.
Today was a blessing. I'm alive. I have hope. I didn't fall. I walked ALL day boot free. I have a God who loves me no matter how many times I fail Him. I am reminded even more that GOD'S GOT THIS!!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Turn-It- Down Tuesday: July 18
Last week's post began with, "What a week!" I can say the same for this week's post - What a week! Good, bad and everything in between wrapped in to seven days!
Between Monday and Friday, I fell twice and tripped into a wall once. ;) But I'm alright, so everything's good! In last week's post, I mentioned that my fall on Monday reminded me to call and make an appointment with my (formally known as) Nashville neurologist who now works here in Knoxville. Well, God answered my prayer fast! When I called, the office said that they would have to receive my paperwork from Vanderbilt before scheduling an appointment and that could take a little while. Well, last Wednesday they called me back and said that they had received some of the paperwork and Dr. Tolleson wanted them to go ahead and set up an appointment with me. Praise Jesus! Seriously, I've never been so happy to get a doctor's appointment. And the cherry on top, is that I see him THIS THURSDAY as in July 20 and not in 2 months. I am so very, very thankful!! I kept thanking Jesus for speeding up the process. All this and I never once told them that I was having issues, just that I needed to see him again. Thankful - I am so very, very thankful!!
I started wearing the surgical boot again. It's given me so much more sturdiness and balance. Mind you, it's not the "perfect" solution, but it has allowed me to walk better. Wednesday night was the first time I walked out of work without someone walking with me. I had the boot on. As I'm walking down the hallway on my way to the parking lot, I pass my boss' office and tell him good bye. No sooner had I walked past his door, then I promptly tripped over my own two feet and ran into the wall. I was so afraid that someone heard me, but I think I got away without anyone noticing. The silver lining: the wall caught me, so I didn't fall. Haha. When I got to church that night, I thought I could walk in without issue, but it turned out not to be. Thankfully, Larry was there to lend an arm to hang on to! God always puts people in my path to help me when I need it the most!
My walking was no better on Thursday. I wore the boot in to work, but then changed out of it into a regular shoe once I made it to my desk. I was walking to the break room, when I literally took a knee. Actually two knees. A co-worker saw me and asked if she could help. There was nothing she could do really! I just got back up and continued walking, but once I got back to my desk, I put the boot back on. I got more injured falling on the carpet then I did when I fell outside work and landed in the flower bed. ;) The injury was only rug burn, but still. This happened about 2 hours before I was to go to the doctor for a physical. I, of course, had to tell him what happened because he asked why my knees were all red. When I told him the boot was giving me stability, he agreed that I should probably wear it when walking into/out of work and anywhere I had a distance to walk until I see Dr. Tolleson on Thursday.
Friday was a better walking day because I had the boot on. Go figure!! Most people can't walk right in a surgical boot and I seem to walk my best in it. Just like sand. Most people find walking in sand the most difficult, where as I find walking in sand the most enjoyable. ;)
Saturday, Mom and I went to see a live production of "Little Women" at the Bijou Theater. I wore the boot and didn't fall! I have to say that this production was one of the best I've seen. Everyone seemed perfectly cast and everything about the production was lovely. I had so much fun. The theatre is an escape for me. I get lost in the story lines and I just love watching live productions. Being with Mom makes it even more special.
Sunday, I woke up and wrestled with the idea of doing something with the electricity in my DBS device. Part of me wanted to keep it where it's been until I saw Dr. Tolleson, but the other part of me wanted to be able to walk. In the end, I decided to turn it down some. I could feel an immediate release of my foot. I went from 3.90 volts to 3.60. But, I still didn't feel like I could go without the boot and now that it's been a couple of days, I don't see any marked improvement.
I'm excited and yet nervous about seeing Dr. Tolleson. What if there's nothing more he can do? What if this is as good as it's going to get? All the what if's and yet, I'm reminded that the Lord says, "Do not worry." DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!! I'm also reminded that GOD'S GOT THIS!! I hope everyone has a very blessed week ahead. Remember: don't worry and God's got all of us in the palm of His hand!
Between Monday and Friday, I fell twice and tripped into a wall once. ;) But I'm alright, so everything's good! In last week's post, I mentioned that my fall on Monday reminded me to call and make an appointment with my (formally known as) Nashville neurologist who now works here in Knoxville. Well, God answered my prayer fast! When I called, the office said that they would have to receive my paperwork from Vanderbilt before scheduling an appointment and that could take a little while. Well, last Wednesday they called me back and said that they had received some of the paperwork and Dr. Tolleson wanted them to go ahead and set up an appointment with me. Praise Jesus! Seriously, I've never been so happy to get a doctor's appointment. And the cherry on top, is that I see him THIS THURSDAY as in July 20 and not in 2 months. I am so very, very thankful!! I kept thanking Jesus for speeding up the process. All this and I never once told them that I was having issues, just that I needed to see him again. Thankful - I am so very, very thankful!!
I started wearing the surgical boot again. It's given me so much more sturdiness and balance. Mind you, it's not the "perfect" solution, but it has allowed me to walk better. Wednesday night was the first time I walked out of work without someone walking with me. I had the boot on. As I'm walking down the hallway on my way to the parking lot, I pass my boss' office and tell him good bye. No sooner had I walked past his door, then I promptly tripped over my own two feet and ran into the wall. I was so afraid that someone heard me, but I think I got away without anyone noticing. The silver lining: the wall caught me, so I didn't fall. Haha. When I got to church that night, I thought I could walk in without issue, but it turned out not to be. Thankfully, Larry was there to lend an arm to hang on to! God always puts people in my path to help me when I need it the most!
My walking was no better on Thursday. I wore the boot in to work, but then changed out of it into a regular shoe once I made it to my desk. I was walking to the break room, when I literally took a knee. Actually two knees. A co-worker saw me and asked if she could help. There was nothing she could do really! I just got back up and continued walking, but once I got back to my desk, I put the boot back on. I got more injured falling on the carpet then I did when I fell outside work and landed in the flower bed. ;) The injury was only rug burn, but still. This happened about 2 hours before I was to go to the doctor for a physical. I, of course, had to tell him what happened because he asked why my knees were all red. When I told him the boot was giving me stability, he agreed that I should probably wear it when walking into/out of work and anywhere I had a distance to walk until I see Dr. Tolleson on Thursday.
Friday was a better walking day because I had the boot on. Go figure!! Most people can't walk right in a surgical boot and I seem to walk my best in it. Just like sand. Most people find walking in sand the most difficult, where as I find walking in sand the most enjoyable. ;)
Saturday, Mom and I went to see a live production of "Little Women" at the Bijou Theater. I wore the boot and didn't fall! I have to say that this production was one of the best I've seen. Everyone seemed perfectly cast and everything about the production was lovely. I had so much fun. The theatre is an escape for me. I get lost in the story lines and I just love watching live productions. Being with Mom makes it even more special.
Sunday, I woke up and wrestled with the idea of doing something with the electricity in my DBS device. Part of me wanted to keep it where it's been until I saw Dr. Tolleson, but the other part of me wanted to be able to walk. In the end, I decided to turn it down some. I could feel an immediate release of my foot. I went from 3.90 volts to 3.60. But, I still didn't feel like I could go without the boot and now that it's been a couple of days, I don't see any marked improvement.
I'm excited and yet nervous about seeing Dr. Tolleson. What if there's nothing more he can do? What if this is as good as it's going to get? All the what if's and yet, I'm reminded that the Lord says, "Do not worry." DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!! I'm also reminded that GOD'S GOT THIS!! I hope everyone has a very blessed week ahead. Remember: don't worry and God's got all of us in the palm of His hand!
Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Turn-It-Up Tuesday: July 11
What a week!!!!
Thursday, July 7, I got the stitch out of my toe and my foot out of the boot. :) Dr. Gardner said everything looked good. I told him how great I was doing in the boot and that it allowed me to be "free" at my brother's wedding. But it was time to get rid of the boot. I no longer needed it for surgical matters. The next step, Dr. Gardner said, would be to think about getting a brace. I have fought and fought against this, but even I, after the freedom I felt while in the boot, realized that he may just be right. So, I agreed to a consult. He wrote a prescription for me to get in to see an orthotics specialist. In the meantime, he told me that if I felt more balanced and could walk better in it, to use the boot whenever I felt it necessary. There is another option though - get the deep brain stimulation on the right level. ;) Dr. Gardner said the worst that could happen is that I go to the orthotics specialist, I get the brace made and then the neurologist finds the golden spot and the deep brain stimulation takes care of all my problems and I don't need to use the brace! So, I'm going to go see the orthotics specialist, while at the same time praying that the deep brain stimulation will work and I don't have to use the brace. Dr. Gardner released me from his care (although he does want to see me after the brace is made). All my toes are straight now, except I'm pretty sure my big toe is trying to compensate for all the other toes. It never used to curl in, but is starting to now. Dr. Gardner said the big toe is responsible for balance, which could explain the week that was (more on that in a minute). Back to Dr. Gardner. He said I have no restrictions from his perspective, meaning I can exercise or even run a marathon if I want - ha! I went back to work on Thursday in two of the same shoe. My foot is still swollen and Dr. Gardner said that could take up to another month to completely go away.
Friday, I walked into and around work boot-free - trying to do my best to adjust to real shoes again. :)
Saturday, my mom and I went to see Mamma Mia! at the Tennessee theater.
It was marvelous as always! Before the show, we had lunch on Market Square and walked around.
I was having issues. I probably should of worn the boot to walk around in, but instead, I held on to Mom the whole time. She was great about it. We had so much fun! One funny story: A vendor who was there told us that she loved both of our dresses. Mom replied with, "Thank you! It's from France!" So I chimed in with, "Mine's from Target!" which made us all laugh and the vendor respond with, "No, it's Target (spoken with a French accent)!" I had an absolutely fabulous time on Saturday with Mom. It's one of those days that I'll remember forever. When I got home I worked out on my stationary bike for the first time in a week and half. It felt so good!!
Sunday was another great day in so many ways, but walking was getting more difficult. I could not figure out why. Walking into church, God provided for me. I was having a really, really difficult time and a church member, Todd, helped me. I am so very thankful! I was also grateful that we didn't have Communion because that would have meant that I would have to walk up to receive it and walk back to my seat and the less walking I did, the better! A surprise awaited me though. Even though my dad is the pastor of our church, I did not know that The Voice's Emily Ann Roberts would be at church that day. We have 3 services at my church and she was at the 9:30am service. At 9:30, I'm in Sunday School. But when Sunday School was over with, I passed by the sanctuary and the service had just let out. Someone asked if I met Emily Ann yet. I hadn't, since I didn't know she was there, but quickly scouted her out after they mentioned her! I did get to meet her and speak with her and even get my picture made with her. She's just as sweet as I thought she would be! She was at the service to sing for a baptism taking place. She's friends with the baptismal family. So cool!!! After church, my brother Stanton helped me to my car. Then it was off to Aubrey's Restaurant (NOT my sister-in-law Aubrey's house - haha) for lunch with the "Young Adults" (I think we average at 32 years of age and 2 kids - so whether we are "young" or not depends on your point of view - haha!!). There, I met a new couple that had just come to our church for the very first time that morning. They are an engaged couple who turned out to be so sweet. We started talking and I told them I had a condition called dystonia and the girl turns to me and says, "My cousin has dystonia!" Seriously, I could not have been more shocked. Every time I tell people what I have, they look at me with a blank stare and say, "what's that?!", but this girl actually knew what it was! How cool! I had a fabulous time with every one that went out to eat. And to think, I almost wasn't going to go. But God knew I needed to be there and so it was. After lunch, I stopped by Walgreens to pick up some pictures. I actually grabbed a cart and held on, just to pick pictures up, but I needed it to not fall. Sunday evening, I had an absolute blast! There are sunflower fields in South Knoxville (Forks of the River area) and I had been wanting to see them.
My friend Samantha had posted it on Facebook and when I expressed interest in it, she said I could tag along with her family if I wanted to. She's married and has 6 month old twin girls who I adore. Of course, I wanted to tag along!! It turned out that two couples from her neighborhood along with their kids went too. I had never been to where these sunflower fields are, so I was under the impression that we would drive right up to them and walk right in. Well, in all honesty, we probably could have, if everyone in Knoxville and surrounding areas weren't there with us! The place was PACKED. We arrived a little before 8pm (so as to get pictures with the sun setting). We ended up walking, I would guess, about a mile there, maybe shorter. Brad and Samantha were Godsends who said I could push the twins stroller so that I would have something to hold on to and boy did I need something to hold on to! I was not walking well at all. But they and their friends were patient with me and kind, for which I will always be thankful for. Once we reached the sunflowers, they did not disappoint!! They were stunning, but - in my opinion - not more stunning than Ms. Brooklyn and Ms. Blakeley who hammed it up for their parents. I got a couple of selfies, but honestly, I was a hot, sweaty mess, so I didn't feel like having my picture taken all that much! But, the sunflowers themselves were beautiful. On the walk back to the cars, we encountered a domestic dispute coming from one of the houses along the way. Every curse word you could imagine was being used. We just looked at each other and tried to high-tail it out of their vicinity as quickly possible. By this time, my walking was all but over. I tripped a couple of times (while holding onto the stroller) and one time did "fall" (my knees hit the ground, but I never let go of the stroller or lost control of it!). By the time I got home that night, I couldn't walk in my own house. I seriously thought about dragging the walker out, but was too stubborn and prideful to do it. I thought, I just needed sleep.
Yesterday (Monday), I realized how much I over-did it over the weekend. I wouldn't change anything about what I did though! I had an absolutely wonderful, fantastic time, but I paid for it a little on Monday. I had the worst time walking in to work. I did it, but it was painfully slow and methodical. I took a step. Stopped. Took another step. Stopped. At one point a co-worker (whom I didn't know) asked if I needed help. I thought about it for a second. I looked at where I was and where the front door was. I was almost there. So, I told him thank you, but no, I had to do this myself. So, he went on. I continued on my path. I was literally maybe 2 steps away from reaching the front of the building (where I could hold onto the building), when I was startled by a co-worker coming out of the building. The windows on the front door of the building are those where you can see your reflection, but not see in, so I didn't know anyone was coming out the door. It startled me so bad that I lost my footing and fell into the flowers. But, just as quickly as I fell, I got back up again. The co-worker asked if I was alright and if I had hurt anything. He really was concerned. I was more embarrassed than anything. I told him that I was fine (and I was!) and that I was actually kind of glad I did fall, because maybe I had gotten falling out of the way for the day! I made my way into work. All I could think of was, "Pride goes before a fall". (The actual Bible verse is Proverbs 16:18 and says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (NIV version)). If I had just let the first co-worker help me, I wouldn't have fallen. My pride got in the way and then I was completely humbled. Lesson learned! The fall motivated me more than ever to call and get an appointment set up with Dr. Tolleson (my neurologist). He's now at UT (yay!) and not at Vanderbilt. He doesn't yet have a direct line to his office so I had to call UT's scheduling department. I had tried calling about a month ago, but was on hold for forever. I gave up that day and told myself I'd call back later. Well then my walking got better so I delayed it even further. But yesterday, as soon as I got to my desk, I looked up his number and called. Unfortunately, my records from Vanderbilt have not been transferred yet, but the woman I spoke with said she would make sure they got transferred ASAP and as soon as that happens she'll call me back to schedule an appointment. It could take up to a week. But at least I now have the ball rolling. The rest of yesterday was OK. Walking wasn't the best, but thankfully, I didn't have to walk that much! At the end of the day, I asked my co-worker, Debbie to walk out with me to my car. I knew I needed help. She didn't hesitate in saying that she would help. I actually did have to hold on to her to make it to the car. I came home Monday night and was completely exhausted. It's hard work learning to walk again. :) I also decided to turn the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device up again. I went from 3.70 volts on level C to 3.90 volts on level C.
This morning when I woke up, I was so very thankful for a new day. I exercised on my stationary bike and went into work. I made it into work on my own. Slow and (not-so) steady! But all that matters is that I made it without falling. I prayed every second of that way and God allowed me to make it, slip, trip and fall-free. Thank you, Lord! I had a doctor's appointment a little while later (not related to anything with my walking). I started out and was doing fare, but half way to my car, I got stuck. That's the only way I know how to describe it - stuck. I couldn't move at all. I knew that if I took one more step, I'd fall. For a brief moment, I thought about crawling, but then God sent an angel. A co-worker was walking in and saw me having problems. She came over to where I was. I was so focused on walking, I neither saw nor heard her, until she said in a soft voice, "Can I help you?" And you know what? Without hesitation or embarrassment, I exclaimed, "YES!" I truly believe she was sent from God. I didn't know her (it's a big company!), but now I do. She lent me her arm and helped me get the rest of the way to my car. Then, when I got to my car, she gave me her card and said if I needed help getting back in the building, I just needed to call her. I went to my doctor's appointment and the doctor told me not to think of using my boot or cane or walker as a failure (again, I didn't even go to see this doctor about my walking problems, it just came up in conversation), but to look at them as "self-caring" for myself. Using them doesn't mean I'll have to continue to use them. So, when I got back to work, I decided to walk in wearing the boot. My foot is still majorly swollen, so maybe wearing a regular shoe was aiding my walking problems. I walked in with no trips, slips or falls. Once inside work, I changed back into my regular shoe. At the end of the day, my co-worker, Debbie walked with me to my car at my request. Yes, I want to do it on my own, but I also knew that I'd feel a lot better if she were there, just in case. I wore the boot to walk back to the car. Debbie was there with me and I had the boot. Those were the only 2 allowances I gave myself. Which meant, I crossed my arms so as not to be tempted to reach out for Debbie or anyone/anything else to steady myself. And I made it. With the help of God, Debbie and the boot. I made it safely to my car.
This has been my life this past week. It's been filled with amazing adventures and fun-filled times with family and friends. It's also been filled with falls and trips and doubts. I've experienced some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. That's just life though, isn't it? You may not be dealing with walking issues like I am, but I'm sure you have lows that don't seem like you can recover from and then you have highs that you want to last for a lifetime. Through all the ups and downs this past week, God remained faithful. God remained present. God remained sovereign. God answered. And because He did all that and more, I can still say confidently and without reserve: God's Got This!!
Thursday, July 7, I got the stitch out of my toe and my foot out of the boot. :) Dr. Gardner said everything looked good. I told him how great I was doing in the boot and that it allowed me to be "free" at my brother's wedding. But it was time to get rid of the boot. I no longer needed it for surgical matters. The next step, Dr. Gardner said, would be to think about getting a brace. I have fought and fought against this, but even I, after the freedom I felt while in the boot, realized that he may just be right. So, I agreed to a consult. He wrote a prescription for me to get in to see an orthotics specialist. In the meantime, he told me that if I felt more balanced and could walk better in it, to use the boot whenever I felt it necessary. There is another option though - get the deep brain stimulation on the right level. ;) Dr. Gardner said the worst that could happen is that I go to the orthotics specialist, I get the brace made and then the neurologist finds the golden spot and the deep brain stimulation takes care of all my problems and I don't need to use the brace! So, I'm going to go see the orthotics specialist, while at the same time praying that the deep brain stimulation will work and I don't have to use the brace. Dr. Gardner released me from his care (although he does want to see me after the brace is made). All my toes are straight now, except I'm pretty sure my big toe is trying to compensate for all the other toes. It never used to curl in, but is starting to now. Dr. Gardner said the big toe is responsible for balance, which could explain the week that was (more on that in a minute). Back to Dr. Gardner. He said I have no restrictions from his perspective, meaning I can exercise or even run a marathon if I want - ha! I went back to work on Thursday in two of the same shoe. My foot is still swollen and Dr. Gardner said that could take up to another month to completely go away.
Friday, I walked into and around work boot-free - trying to do my best to adjust to real shoes again. :)
Saturday, my mom and I went to see Mamma Mia! at the Tennessee theater.
Sunday was another great day in so many ways, but walking was getting more difficult. I could not figure out why. Walking into church, God provided for me. I was having a really, really difficult time and a church member, Todd, helped me. I am so very thankful! I was also grateful that we didn't have Communion because that would have meant that I would have to walk up to receive it and walk back to my seat and the less walking I did, the better! A surprise awaited me though. Even though my dad is the pastor of our church, I did not know that The Voice's Emily Ann Roberts would be at church that day. We have 3 services at my church and she was at the 9:30am service. At 9:30, I'm in Sunday School. But when Sunday School was over with, I passed by the sanctuary and the service had just let out. Someone asked if I met Emily Ann yet. I hadn't, since I didn't know she was there, but quickly scouted her out after they mentioned her! I did get to meet her and speak with her and even get my picture made with her. She's just as sweet as I thought she would be! She was at the service to sing for a baptism taking place. She's friends with the baptismal family. So cool!!! After church, my brother Stanton helped me to my car. Then it was off to Aubrey's Restaurant (NOT my sister-in-law Aubrey's house - haha) for lunch with the "Young Adults" (I think we average at 32 years of age and 2 kids - so whether we are "young" or not depends on your point of view - haha!!). There, I met a new couple that had just come to our church for the very first time that morning. They are an engaged couple who turned out to be so sweet. We started talking and I told them I had a condition called dystonia and the girl turns to me and says, "My cousin has dystonia!" Seriously, I could not have been more shocked. Every time I tell people what I have, they look at me with a blank stare and say, "what's that?!", but this girl actually knew what it was! How cool! I had a fabulous time with every one that went out to eat. And to think, I almost wasn't going to go. But God knew I needed to be there and so it was. After lunch, I stopped by Walgreens to pick up some pictures. I actually grabbed a cart and held on, just to pick pictures up, but I needed it to not fall. Sunday evening, I had an absolute blast! There are sunflower fields in South Knoxville (Forks of the River area) and I had been wanting to see them.
Yesterday (Monday), I realized how much I over-did it over the weekend. I wouldn't change anything about what I did though! I had an absolutely wonderful, fantastic time, but I paid for it a little on Monday. I had the worst time walking in to work. I did it, but it was painfully slow and methodical. I took a step. Stopped. Took another step. Stopped. At one point a co-worker (whom I didn't know) asked if I needed help. I thought about it for a second. I looked at where I was and where the front door was. I was almost there. So, I told him thank you, but no, I had to do this myself. So, he went on. I continued on my path. I was literally maybe 2 steps away from reaching the front of the building (where I could hold onto the building), when I was startled by a co-worker coming out of the building. The windows on the front door of the building are those where you can see your reflection, but not see in, so I didn't know anyone was coming out the door. It startled me so bad that I lost my footing and fell into the flowers. But, just as quickly as I fell, I got back up again. The co-worker asked if I was alright and if I had hurt anything. He really was concerned. I was more embarrassed than anything. I told him that I was fine (and I was!) and that I was actually kind of glad I did fall, because maybe I had gotten falling out of the way for the day! I made my way into work. All I could think of was, "Pride goes before a fall". (The actual Bible verse is Proverbs 16:18 and says, "Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (NIV version)). If I had just let the first co-worker help me, I wouldn't have fallen. My pride got in the way and then I was completely humbled. Lesson learned! The fall motivated me more than ever to call and get an appointment set up with Dr. Tolleson (my neurologist). He's now at UT (yay!) and not at Vanderbilt. He doesn't yet have a direct line to his office so I had to call UT's scheduling department. I had tried calling about a month ago, but was on hold for forever. I gave up that day and told myself I'd call back later. Well then my walking got better so I delayed it even further. But yesterday, as soon as I got to my desk, I looked up his number and called. Unfortunately, my records from Vanderbilt have not been transferred yet, but the woman I spoke with said she would make sure they got transferred ASAP and as soon as that happens she'll call me back to schedule an appointment. It could take up to a week. But at least I now have the ball rolling. The rest of yesterday was OK. Walking wasn't the best, but thankfully, I didn't have to walk that much! At the end of the day, I asked my co-worker, Debbie to walk out with me to my car. I knew I needed help. She didn't hesitate in saying that she would help. I actually did have to hold on to her to make it to the car. I came home Monday night and was completely exhausted. It's hard work learning to walk again. :) I also decided to turn the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device up again. I went from 3.70 volts on level C to 3.90 volts on level C.
This has been my life this past week. It's been filled with amazing adventures and fun-filled times with family and friends. It's also been filled with falls and trips and doubts. I've experienced some of the highest highs and some of the lowest lows. That's just life though, isn't it? You may not be dealing with walking issues like I am, but I'm sure you have lows that don't seem like you can recover from and then you have highs that you want to last for a lifetime. Through all the ups and downs this past week, God remained faithful. God remained present. God remained sovereign. God answered. And because He did all that and more, I can still say confidently and without reserve: God's Got This!!
Tuesday, July 4, 2017
Tune-In Tuesday: July 4
Happy 4th of July, everyone!! I hope sometime today you will take a moment to bow your head and thank the Lord for the freedom He has given us, both through Him and in this great country we call home. Happy birthday, America!!
Speaking of freedom, this past week, I've felt free. I am still in the surgical boot, but I've never felt freer. One of my brothers got married this past week and it was an outside wedding. I walked everywhere! Yes, at times I had my mom or dad or brothers or friends help me, but that was mainly when I had to go down stairs. I don't know if you'll ever know how freeing it feels to walk just by yourself with no assistance (OK, I did have the boot, but other than that, no assistance - no walker, no cane!) unless you've had something like I have had. I was giddy with excitement! I even held toddlers and babies and walked with no falls, no missteps, no issues. Ya'll this is LIFE CHANGING!! I know I've done this before but this time around, it feels different.
I was running super late to church on Sunday. The reason being, I thought I had securely tied a trash bag around my boot so that I could take a shower without getting it wet. I was wrong! Somehow, the boot ended up getting soaked. So, I got my hairdryer out and 45 minutes later, it was dry enough for me to wear it without me feeling like I was sloshing around in it. (On a side note, this was the second time I've had to use a hairdryer to get it dry. I got it somewhat wet when we were away for my brother's wedding and I had to use my sister-in-law's hair dryer to get it dry.) I thought about putting it in the dryer, but had no idea how to unhook it from the actual boot. So, I was running extremely late. When I got to church, I had five minutes to spare. Yes, this is late for me. I'm type A and have to be 15 minutes early almost everywhere I go. I blame it on the fact that my mom told me I was due on June 19 and was born on June 12. I've liked being early since the day I was born!! Usually, I have major problems walking in the church parking lot. Mainly because there's nothing to hold on to or grab ahold of if I start to fall. But Sunday, since I was running so late, I almost ran (OK, not really) into church. No problems. I had no time for falling or having issues, so I just did it. Yay!
I say all the above, but the truth is, sometimes I just have really good days and weeks and sometimes, I don't. I think that may be the way it goes for my whole life. But maybe not. Maybe I will be able to make this permanent and look back on my bad walking days and hardly be able to remember them. I try to rationalize everything. I try to figure out why I can walk fine one day and have extreme problems the next, but through all of this, I've learned that it is what it is. I don't know the mind of God and I'll drive myself crazy if I try to figure it out. So, I'll just leave it in God's hands. God is God and I am not! I am extremely grateful that the toe that Dr. Gardner clipped the tendon on last Tuesday did not give me any problems whatsoever this past week. I've felt it every once in awhile, but didn't have to take any medicine (prescribed or over the counter). I did have to wear the boot to my brother's wedding, but made sure that the official photographer didn't get it in any pictures. ;) Hopefully it blended in. I wore a black shoe on my other foot and the boot is black, so hopefully it wasn't that big of a distraction in any picture. I saw aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who had not seen me since the deep brain stimulation. They were amazed that I was walking without any assistance. I think one of the biggest moments came when one of my brother's friends who hadn't seen me since the surgery was stunned to see me without a walker. He said he did a double take and then had to get the lowdown from my mom. :) To see it from other people's perspectives is humbling, exciting and downright amazing. I get so caught up in the day-to-day struggles, that I forget the big picture. The big picture is, I once had to use a walker or cane to get around and now I don't. No matter how I do it (whether it takes me 15 minutes to get from the parking lot to inside work or a store or church because I am constantly starting/stopping, or if I trip, or if I have people asking me if I need help, or if people watch me (which makes me extremely nervous)), I'm still doing it WITHOUT a walker or cane. That was the goal. That is the goal.
I'm keeping the boot on until I see Dr. Gardner on July 7. Technically, I could have taken the boot off on Saturday (that was 5 days after the tendon was cut), but he said I could keep it on until I see him. I'll get the bandages removed and the stitch out of my toe on the 7th and we'll go from there.
This past week was a gift. I know that. I know my walking could have been terrible and hampered all the festivities that were going on, but it didn't and that is a gift from God. He is good all the time. Always and forever, I'll keep proclaiming that God's Got This!!
Speaking of freedom, this past week, I've felt free. I am still in the surgical boot, but I've never felt freer. One of my brothers got married this past week and it was an outside wedding. I walked everywhere! Yes, at times I had my mom or dad or brothers or friends help me, but that was mainly when I had to go down stairs. I don't know if you'll ever know how freeing it feels to walk just by yourself with no assistance (OK, I did have the boot, but other than that, no assistance - no walker, no cane!) unless you've had something like I have had. I was giddy with excitement! I even held toddlers and babies and walked with no falls, no missteps, no issues. Ya'll this is LIFE CHANGING!! I know I've done this before but this time around, it feels different.
I was running super late to church on Sunday. The reason being, I thought I had securely tied a trash bag around my boot so that I could take a shower without getting it wet. I was wrong! Somehow, the boot ended up getting soaked. So, I got my hairdryer out and 45 minutes later, it was dry enough for me to wear it without me feeling like I was sloshing around in it. (On a side note, this was the second time I've had to use a hairdryer to get it dry. I got it somewhat wet when we were away for my brother's wedding and I had to use my sister-in-law's hair dryer to get it dry.) I thought about putting it in the dryer, but had no idea how to unhook it from the actual boot. So, I was running extremely late. When I got to church, I had five minutes to spare. Yes, this is late for me. I'm type A and have to be 15 minutes early almost everywhere I go. I blame it on the fact that my mom told me I was due on June 19 and was born on June 12. I've liked being early since the day I was born!! Usually, I have major problems walking in the church parking lot. Mainly because there's nothing to hold on to or grab ahold of if I start to fall. But Sunday, since I was running so late, I almost ran (OK, not really) into church. No problems. I had no time for falling or having issues, so I just did it. Yay!
I say all the above, but the truth is, sometimes I just have really good days and weeks and sometimes, I don't. I think that may be the way it goes for my whole life. But maybe not. Maybe I will be able to make this permanent and look back on my bad walking days and hardly be able to remember them. I try to rationalize everything. I try to figure out why I can walk fine one day and have extreme problems the next, but through all of this, I've learned that it is what it is. I don't know the mind of God and I'll drive myself crazy if I try to figure it out. So, I'll just leave it in God's hands. God is God and I am not! I am extremely grateful that the toe that Dr. Gardner clipped the tendon on last Tuesday did not give me any problems whatsoever this past week. I've felt it every once in awhile, but didn't have to take any medicine (prescribed or over the counter). I did have to wear the boot to my brother's wedding, but made sure that the official photographer didn't get it in any pictures. ;) Hopefully it blended in. I wore a black shoe on my other foot and the boot is black, so hopefully it wasn't that big of a distraction in any picture. I saw aunts and uncles and cousins and friends who had not seen me since the deep brain stimulation. They were amazed that I was walking without any assistance. I think one of the biggest moments came when one of my brother's friends who hadn't seen me since the surgery was stunned to see me without a walker. He said he did a double take and then had to get the lowdown from my mom. :) To see it from other people's perspectives is humbling, exciting and downright amazing. I get so caught up in the day-to-day struggles, that I forget the big picture. The big picture is, I once had to use a walker or cane to get around and now I don't. No matter how I do it (whether it takes me 15 minutes to get from the parking lot to inside work or a store or church because I am constantly starting/stopping, or if I trip, or if I have people asking me if I need help, or if people watch me (which makes me extremely nervous)), I'm still doing it WITHOUT a walker or cane. That was the goal. That is the goal.
I'm keeping the boot on until I see Dr. Gardner on July 7. Technically, I could have taken the boot off on Saturday (that was 5 days after the tendon was cut), but he said I could keep it on until I see him. I'll get the bandages removed and the stitch out of my toe on the 7th and we'll go from there.
This past week was a gift. I know that. I know my walking could have been terrible and hampered all the festivities that were going on, but it didn't and that is a gift from God. He is good all the time. Always and forever, I'll keep proclaiming that God's Got This!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)