Turn-It-Down Tuesday: August 29

I got word this past week that my company is doing something amazing for me. Well, not just for me, but I can think that, right?! :)

Right now, where handicap parking is located at work, it’s not very handicap accessible. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s to code and everything, it’s just farther from the door then I think it should be and it’s slanted so that you either have problems walking to it or from it (It’s not on even, flat ground.) The idea of moving it has been brought up before. Right now, there are a great deal of visitor spots right in front of the building. These spots are also on even, level ground. About 2 weeks ago, my friend, Debbie started walking out with me to my car each night because I’ve been having more problems. One night, as I was about to pull away, I noticed she was standing there with a pensive face. I rolled my window down and asked if she was OK. She said she was, so I left. The next morning, she told me why she looked so pensive. She said that she saw how much I struggled that night getting to the car, even with her help. She also saw another co-worker with a disability struggle to his car. So, after I left, she walked the route we had just walked again trying to see things from my perspective. Then she walked the route I would take if my car were parked where the visitors parking and the expectant mother parking is located. And then she walked into work and sent an e-mail to the vice-president of facilities. Do I not have the best co-workers and friends in the world?! Just a couple of days later I was called into the director of Human Resources office. She prefaced her e-mail with “you’re not in trouble”, which greatly eased my fear that I had done something wrong and at the same time made me laugh. She said that Facilities had received an e-mail about handicap parking and they wanted to get my opinion and suggestions on things. So, I gave it to them. Last week, I was told that 2 of the 4 handicap spots would be moved to where the expectant mother’s parking is currently located and the expectant mother’s parking would be relocated a few spots down. Epic. Amazing. I am so very, very thankful to my co-worker, Debbie for e-mailing about it and for my company for listening and responding. Debbie gives no credit to herself (she says “I was probably the 10th caller”), but she deserves credit for sending that e-mail. She has elderly parents and she knows the struggles they have walking. She’s walked with me on numerous occasions and knows the problems I have. For her to go out of her way to send an e-mail about something she doesn’t even gain from – that’s true friendship and looking out for one’s brother/sister. Thank you, Debbie!

I only “fell” once this past week and I put “fell” in quotes, because it was again, more like taking a knee. It happened on Wednesday, but since then, I’ve been fall-free. However, I still decided today to go down in the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I have a few reasons for doing so. First and foremost, my left hand is acting up. I know it’s directly because of the electricity. Also, the callous on the bottom of my left foot is coming back and I know that’s because I’ve not been walking right. My foot does not relax. There are a few other reasons why I feel decreasing the electricity is what I’m supposed to be doing this week. I stayed on the same frequency (B) but went from 3.90 volts to 3.70.

Although I haven’t fallen, that doesn’t mean I’ve haven’t had problems, it just means I haven’t fallen (which, don’t get me wrong, is a huge deal!!). I admitted to my sister-in-law that I think having the toe/foot surgery set me back – for the time being. That last part is critical – FOR THE TIME BEING. If I had it to do all over again, I’d have the surgery. In the long run, it’s going to help me tremendously. In the short-term, God’s still working on me being patient. As He works on me, He doesn’t leave me. He shows up when and where I need it the most. I am continually amazed at how this happens. He’s using friends and family and sometimes even strangers to be His hands and then He’s allowing me to see how He works. I’ve been in awe.

I was feeling particularly anxious on Friday. I don’t know why. I wasn’t steady on my feet and I had an anxious heart. As I was getting ready to leave for work, I got a Facebook message from a church friend, Allie. I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing what she said, but this is what she wrote: “‘But for you who fear My name the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings; and you will go forth and skip about like calves from a stall.’ (Malachi 4:2) As the sun rises today, may joy fill your heart and be your strength. Go and skip about today.” My response to her was, “Wow! God provides. I was just thinking how Satan causes me to fear and how my faith in God sometimes wavers. I was just praying that the Lord would increase my faith in Him and forgive me for my lack of faith sometimes and then you sent this! God knew I needed to hear this from Him and He used you to say it. God provides. Have a wonderfully beautiful day!”

Time after time this week, when I didn’t feel like I could walk without falling, God’s provided a friend to walk along beside me. I’ve been praying every morning that God would keep me upright both physically and spiritually. He’s kept His promise, even when I haven’t kept mine.

I get frustrated, mad, sad, angry, anxious, depressed but even in those times, I come to the realization that I am extremely blessed. God never leaves me or forsakes me. God provides. God goes before me. He stands beside me. He’s got my back. God uses the struggles we have in life to refine us. I’m being refined. When struggles abound, my prayers increase. I'm in constant contact with the Lord of Lords. God uses the struggles in my life to give me perspective and to make me stronger. God can heal with one touch. In one breath He can make it be. He can also say, "Wait my child - you're a miracle in the making." God’s Got This!

Turn-It-Up Tuesday: August 22

God provides. That has never been as evident to me as it has this past week. In all circumstances, in little ways and big, He provides. It may not look like we expected it to, but nevertheless, He provides and then gives us the ability, if we’re open to it, to see how He provides. When we see, at least for me, it’s awe-inspiring.

Right off the bat I’ll say, this past week was not good fall-wise. I fell 3 separate times. These were a little different though from my “regular” falls. All three times, I fell while walking with people in the hopes that that would give me enough security that I wouldn’t fall – haha! I didn’t hurt myself and in fact the last two falls were more like “taking a knee” as opposed to sprawled-all-over-the-place falls. I even hesitate to say I fell, because my Dad really wants me to use my cane and NOT FALL. But falling’s part of the learning too, right?! I totally get where he’s coming from, but I don’t want to get dependent on the cane or the walker again. It would be so easy if I just used them, but easy doesn’t necessarily get me to my goal. I scrape a knee or get frustrated, but I trust the Lord that I won’t break anything. If I do break something, well then, God has a plan for that too. I say this, but don’t get me wrong, I get mad, sad, frustrated, teary, impatient (and the list could go on…) when I do fall. I lose confidence. I ask for help. I pray. Maybe those last two things are what the Lord wants me to be doing: humbling myself enough to ask for help and being constantly in prayer and communication with Him.

How did God provide this week for me?! Oh, let me count the ways and tell you!!! Last Wednesday, I was contemplating how I would get into church without using a walker or cane. I thought about staying home, but every time I don’t want to go to church because I’m too tired or too busy or too worried or too scared – that’s EXACTLY when I need to go. So, putting fear away, I went. I prayed the whole time, wondering how God would show up. The Lord is awesome. Guess who I see in the parking lot as I park my car? My dad. I wanted to cry (happy tears!). I had been pouring out my heart to my Heavenly father, when he brings my earthly father to rescue me. I did start out walking on my own, but he quickly saw me and offered his assistance. This is when he said I should probably use the cane to keep from falling. My response was, “Who’s to say I won’t fall while using the cane?!” I’m quite talented like that! Then he said that maybe for a time I should use the walker again. I don’t like either option. I haven’t resorted to using either one, but I do take my dad’s words to heart. After church, a woman named Chris asked if she could walk beside me to my car. She’d read my blog post from the day before, I’m pretty sure! I, of course was overjoyed to hear this and quickly agreed. She and her husband, John walked with me to my car and then we had a lovely conversation. God provides!

Thursday, I had to leave work to attend a funeral. I was nervous about having to walk to my car and two of my co-workers picked up on that. They said that they would walk me to my car and then when I returned all I had to do was text them and they would come and walk with me back into work. I do want to make it clear – I could have walked by myself out to the car and back in again, but they sensed that I was nervous and on their own said they would walk with me. My co-worker, Sarah ended up walking with me out to my car. I got to the funeral and walked (all be it, stiffed-legged) in by myself. I walked out the same way. Sarah had told me to text her when I was on my way back. I was stopped at a red light and sent her a text. I made it back to work and didn’t see her in the parking lot. I almost started to text my co-worker, Debbie. As I got out of my car and turned around, there Sarah stood. She told me that she decided to run to the bank real fast and was a little concerned that she would miss me, but my text came and she was on the same road as I was just coming the opposite direction. She got to work maybe a minute or so before I did. God provides!

Friday, Sarah took the day off to close on a new home (Congrats, Sarah!) and Debbie had to work from home because a water line needed replacing at her house, so it was just me and the guys, holding down the fort at work. It was a good, busy day! When it was time to leave my co-worker, Drew hung around until I was ready to leave. I don’t know if Debbie or Sarah had said anything to him (or my other co-workers for that matter) or he just instinctively knew I may need help, but he casually walked out with me. He said Monday-Thursday he usually has to book-it out of work in order to go pick up his daughter before her daycare closes, but on Friday, his wife is able to pick her up and he has more time to stay after if need be. So, he walked with me. Unfortunately for him, I either got overly confident in my walking abilities or just wasn’t paying attention or some other phenomenon happened, but I fell. It could have been a lot worse, if he weren’t there. I made contact with the ground, but he caught me as well, so I didn’t get too badly injured. Even though I had a bandage over it, the way I fell, I tore the scab off the scraped knee I had from the week before, so that was a little sore and bloody (under the bandage), but again, God provides!! I was so blessed that Drew was there!

Saturday, I wasn’t going to let walking issues get in my way. I also wore tennis shoes which gave me a little more support. ;) I didn’t fall! It was a momentous day another level too: I got my hair cut. I don’t know what it is about me and my hair, but I never want to get it cut, even when it badly needs to be. But, I knew I needed a cut and Saturday was the perfect day to get one. My mom’s birthday is today (Happy birthday, Mom!!) and she always wants me to get my hair cut, so as a birthday gift to her, I went and did it. And guess what? My favorite stylist was there – the one I met in April and who cut my hair for the first time after I’d let it grow since the deep brain stimulation surgery: Clare. I had a wonderful time talking with her. I also ran into someone from my church! After the haircut, I swung by my parent’s house to give Mom a little pre-birthday gift and to show her my hair. ;) After that, I ran to Walmart where I ended up seeing someone from work in the parking lot, running into my grandmother in the store and then both of us seeing someone we knew from church. I NEVER see or run into anyone I know while shopping so the fact that I ran into a total of 4 people in one day was pretty spectacular.

Sunday, I was again nervous to walk in to church. I prayed about it. I didn’t find my “regular” parking spaces open, so I parked somewhere different. When I got out of the car, I ran into Mary, who had just moved to South Carolina, but was back for a quick visit before she starts a new job. I asked if she would walk in with me and she said she was just about to ask if she could walk in with me. She’s an occupational/physical therapist (I think. If I got that wrong, Mary, please forgive me!) and noticed how I was walking stiffed-leg until I got to the curb where I had to take a step up and I did bend my knee. She asked about using the cane or walker and I told her the same thing I told my dad. I just don’t want to use them. ;) We both made it safely into church. We had communion and rather than fall, I decided to hold onto to Mom while walking up to receive it. After church, I started walking by myself to my car, but Mom quickly came and helped me. Again, I could have made it on my own, but it would have taken me forever and made me exhausted so I was thankful for the help. After church, Mom, Dad and I, along with another couple, went out to eat. Normally, on Sunday afternoons all the family goes to my parent’s house for lunch, but we were all going to be meeting there Sunday night to celebrate my Mom’s birthday. It was the only time all of us could be there. In order for that to happen, my nieces needed naps, so we all went our separate ways after church. After eating at the restaurant, Dad helped me out to my car. Again, God provides.

Sunday night celebrating my mom’s birthday was so much fun. Now that I have little nieces, it’s seeing everything through their eyes and it’s magical. We had an absolutely fabulous time. Dad grilled hamburgers and each of us kids (well me and my sisters-in-laws) brought side dishes so Mom didn’t have to do anything, but in the end she did make corn and baked beans. Even celebrating her birthday, she’s serving us!

Monday (yesterday) was a fun day at work. With the total solar eclipse happening, it was pretty much a ghost town. Schools were closed, so a lot of people took the day off. I didn’t, but it turned out to be so fun! At work, they handed out solar eclipse glasses. I walked over to the other building with my co-workers to pick up my glasses. On my way back, I fell. My co-worker, Debbie said it happened because I got my toe stuck in the carpet. I didn’t know how it happened. One minute I was up, the next I was down. I fell on carpet, so I got more of a rug burn than anything else, but my poor left knee cannot heal from last week’s fall. I keep reapplying bandages to it. It starts to heal and then the scab is ripped off once again. But I guess it does show consistency in the way I fall, right?! Haha. Debbie said she felt so bad she couldn’t “catch” me, but really, it was totally fine. I’m no worse for the wear. I fell. I got up. I kept walking. Story of my life! Once again, God provided. Debbie was there, Drew was there…people were there to help and be concerned. I’m thankful! I can’t leave my “Monday” paragraph without commenting on that eclipse. I’ll admit, I was not into the hype of it. I didn’t get solar eclipse glasses ahead of time. I didn’t take off of work. I didn’t research. I wasn’t really even going to go outside to see it because I could see it from one of the conference rooms, but at 2:15pm, Debbie and I decided to go outside and man, am I ever glad I did. I’m saying right here and right now, boldly: How can anyone who saw that eclipse with their own eyes not believe that God orchestrated that? Our world, in a lot of ways, is in (man-made) chaos, but God loves us enough to show His majesty amidst the chaos. The heavens certainly did display His majesty!

Today, I fell again, but out of the three, this was the least of the falls. I really did just take a knee and thankfully this time, I gave my left knee a break and fell on my right. ;) Again, though it was where I could have grabbed a wall to steady myself. It happened so fast though that I didn’t have time. I was up as quickly as I was down and on with life. Today, I also realized that I think I have the deep brain stimulation device on the right frequency (B), but maybe not the right amount of electricity. So, this evening, I decided to look back at my blog posts from when I was doing well and try to get on that level again. I found a post from back in February that said I had settled on 3.90 volts. Tonight, I went from 3.50 up to 3.90 volts. We’ll have to wait to see if that does anything. I’m willing to give it some time. Dr. Tollesson always says it takes about two weeks to see any real difference, but we’ll see if I can be that patient. ;) I’m back on the same frequency and electricity amount I was when I saw major, significant, awesome strides before. If it works, I’ll give to glory to God. If it doesn’t, I’ll test some more!

This past week has truly taught me that God provides. It’s also taught me that there are learning opportunities in every fall and in every struggle. It’s taught me to rely fully on God. It’s taught me again that’s God’s Got This!!

Tune-In Tuesday: August 15

In my last post I said that I wasn’t going to do any adjusting to the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device until this week and only if need be. I lied. Or, I got impatient. Or, I'm just stubborn. You choose. But, I didn’t even make it a full 48 hours after I posted that entry when I decided I had to do something and I've been experimenting and testing all week.

The last time I saw Dr. Tolleson he programmed 3 different frequencies that he said I could play with:

Frequency A - the low level
Frequency B - the level I came in on (in case the other two frequencies that he newly set didn't work)
Frequency C - the high level

I can officially say that in one weeks time, I've "played" with all 3 frequencies. That's a far cry from my initial goal of being patient and waiting a week. Oh well! Medicine (and the science behind it) is actually an art. ;)

Thursday morning I started out on 2.80 volts of electricity on Frequency A. I went up to 3.00 volts on A. That voltage lasted all of 7 hours, when I decided to turn it down to 2.60 volts on A. That level lasted only 4 hours when I decided to turn it back to where I had it before messing with it: 2.80 volts on frequency A. During the day I tested other levels of voltage, but kept the frequency on A. Since my iPhone has the date and time of when I take pictures on it and I took pictures to remind me what level I was on, Thursday was a full circle day. It was at 6:36am that I upped it to 3.00 volts on A and it was 6:04pm when I conceded and brought it back down to 2.80 volts on A.

Thursday’s also when I fell. This time, I got hurt a little (just scraped knees). God turned it into a life lesson. I was leaving work and fell outside. I bloodied my knee and my ankle, but otherwise was unhurt. I thought I was alone when I fell, but then I heard a co-worker (whom I don’t know) ask me if there was anything he could do. I told him no. I just had to get up and carry on. Surprisingly to me, I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. I didn’t feel hopeless. I didn’t feel frustrated or angry. In fact, the first thing that came to my mind was, “Falling doesn’t make you special. Get up, dust yourself off and carry on. People fall all the time.” So, I got up, dusted myself off and walked to my car. I was a bloody mess by the time I got to my car, as blood was running all down my leg. (Sorry for the visual, Kristen!) I grabbed some napkins out of the glove compartment and cleaned myself off as best I could until I got home. When I got home I put an antibiotic ointment on and bandaged everything up.

Friday was a new day! God greeted me with this amazing sunrise on my way to work:

Sunday, I got up and decided yet again to play with the DBS settings. I decided I’d had enough of the low frequency, so I switched to the high frequency: C, but I set it to the lowest voltage I could go on that level: 3.70. But, even on the lowest level of the higher frequency, my hand was giving me fits. I knew I’d need my hand for work the next day, so Sunday night I’d had enough and went down to 3.00 C.

Yesterday morning when I woke up and was no better I decided to go to the lower frequency (A) again, but set it to the highest level it would allow me (3.60). I stayed on 3.60 A all day yesterday, but last night I was over it. I literally went to bed at 8:30pm because I was so exhausted both mentally and physically. I told a friend today that I think walking to and from my car at work is as much a workout for me as my actual workouts on the stationary bike. It has literally taken every ounce of strength I have both mentally and physically to get me from point A to point B.

This afternoon, I remembered that I still had Frequency B that I could try (more like go back to.) I switched frequencies AGAIN (right there at work) and am now back on Frequency B at 3.50 volts. That may even change as I think I may “play” a little more tonight with the voltage. And this my friends is why they call it “practicing medicine”. ;) There’s an art to it.

There’s a sweet spot. I had that sweet spot once. I must find that sweet spot once more.

A lot of things have been weighing on my mind these past couple of weeks. Because of this, I’ve been waking up at 3am for no good reason! The first few times it happened, I’d try to go back to sleep or I got on Facebook (I know, terrible!), but then it hit me: I should be in God’s Word. So now, when I’ve been waking at 3am, I grab the Good Book (OK, really, I grab my phone that has the Good Book on it) and dive into God’s Word. It’s brought such comfort and peace.

It's been a rough week. I get so frustrated and angry and grouchy when my walking isn't what I think it should be, but even when I'm like that, God doesn't turn His back on me. I could choose to focus on the negative (and believe me, I have done so and continue to do so at times), but when I really sit down and examine my life, all that matters is that God's Got This! And because He does, I can face tomorrow. I can fall and get back up again. I can be embarrassed and still not die from embarrassment. I can know that I'm a child of God and that He loves me with an EVERLASTING love.

Tune-In Tuesday: August 8

"Stand firm, and you will win life." (Luke 21:19 NIV)

I know, I’m probably majorly taking the above verse out of context, but I read it this morning and it pierced me. Maybe it pierced me because I haven’t LITERALLY been able to “stand firm” this past week, so I’ve had to stand on the firm foundation that God knows what He’s doing and I shouldn’t put my two cents worth in. Maybe it’s for the simple “you will win life”. Life isn’t about walking or falling, but rather about relationships and Jesus.

It’s definitely been an interesting week! It’s been interesting on several levels. I’ve seen how my body reacts to stress and the weather in a way that I haven’t been tuned in to before. But more than that, I’ve been blessed so richly and abundantly BECAUSE of the problems I’ve had this week, that I almost don’t mind the falls I’ve had to have to see how richly I’ve been blessed. Let me stress, ALMOST. I really dislike falling, so God and I have this conversation every morning:
Me: "God, please, please, please don’t let me trip, slip or fall today."
Me (about 5 seconds after the first plea (I mean prayer): “God, please, please, please don’t let me slip trip or fall."
God:
“But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves.” (Luke 21:14 NIV)
“Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with man is possible with God.'" (Luke 18:27 NIV)
“And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?” (Luke 18:7 NIV)
And probably my favorite this week:
“yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will see that she gets justice, so that she won’t eventually come and attack me.” (Luke 18:5 NIV) – Persistence, people, persistence!!
And another good one…
“Then he put his hands on her, and immediately she straightened up and praised God.” (Luke 13:13 NIV)

Can you tell, I’m reading Luke right now? Haha. But God has brought about so many golden nuggets that I had to share!!

A couple of weeks a go in Sunday school, we started talking about the “thorn in my side” that Paul was given. There’s much speculation on what that “thorn-in-his-side” was. Some say it might have been his eyesight. My Sunday School leader, Brian, said that whatever it was it sounded like Paul had to rely on others to take care of him at times. In all my years, I had never heard it explained like that. I really took it to heart. Paul had to ask people to help him. Somehow, with that explanation, I found comfort.

After proudly declaring that it was a “no-fall week” last week on the blog, the very next day, I fell. ;) It wasn’t a “normal” fall though (if there is such a thing). It was in a confined space where I had walls and doors and things to grab ahold of. It just happened. One second, I was up and the next I was sprawled all over the floor. Thankfully, I was only in front of friends. (It would have been better if 1) I hadn’t fell at all or 2) I hadn’t fallen in front of anyone but since none of that happened, I’m glad I fell in front of friends!) I seriously don’t know how it happened, it just did. But what do you do when you fall? You get back up and carry on. Again, easier said than done, but I did it with God’s help. I did cry though – I’m not going to lie. It wasn’t so much over the falling, but everything that was going on around the fall. It was a stressful week. My friend/co-worker, Sarah, helped me come to the realization that stress takes many forms and I guess in me, it manifests physically sometimes. I’m sure I’ll learn to manage it better and hopefully figure out a good setting to go to (in regards to the deep brain stimulation device) when stressful situations arise and I need a little more help to walk.

The second fall came on Sunday in church. Here’s hoping a lot of people didn’t see it. It happened (again!) in a place and time that I never thought it would. After making it successfully up to, through and back from communion, I fell in the aisle to my chair. I had chairs to hang on to and people to hang on to and suddenly, one second I’m up and the next I’m down on my knees! I didn’t hurt myself and I was up as quickly as I went down, hoping people that saw me either thought that I was praying or that I was grabbing something off the floor. ;) I think most people were distracted enough going up to communion that they didn’t even notice. It did give me a whole new meaning to the song we sang after communion, “Lead Me to the Cross” and these lyrics from the song:

“Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross”

I do believe that God loves when we laugh and I seriously had to laugh (internally) that not even a few minutes after I fall, I hear “Bring me to my knees”.

As tough as walking can get, the Lord ALWAYS allows me to trade those bad days in for good and He ALWAYS makes me laugh, think and downright SEE HIM in every situation. After my fall on Sunday, I decided that I would walk with someone outside to my car. I was thinking maybe my mom or one of my sister-in-laws. Well, all of the sudden, I look and they’ve all left!! (If they are reading this, I am totally OK with everything, I just had to put what I’m going to say next in to context). So, I think to myself that I could get Dad to walk me out if I really needed to, but he was talking with people. So, I thought, “OK, God. I don’t know how I’m going to do this, but I know you are with me, so please don’t let me slip, trip or fall.” As soon as I prayed this, Todd appeared.

To get even more of a background on this, a few Sundays ago I was having problems walking in to church. I saw Todd walking in at the same time and I asked if I could walk with him. I didn’t need to hold on to him or anything, I just wanted someone to walk with. He obliged. We started talking and I got to know some of his backstory. I’ve been going to church with this man and his family for years (seriously, probably since moving here to Tennessee) and I never knew what he was telling me. He has his own medical issues with his eyes. Fast forward to the Sunday before last: after the installation of our new associate pastor that Sunday night, Todd saw me struggling a little to get to my car, so he came running out of church to help me. So, for him to just appear out of nowhere this past Sunday when I needed him most, right after I’d prayed – you cannot tell that that wasn’t God. I know without a shadow of a doubt, it was!! And I told Todd so. I told him that he was a blessing from God and an answer to prayer. He told me that he had been praying that God would use him to bless others. God answered BOTH of our prayers. How utterly awesome is that?!!!!

I’ve also been blessed immensely by my co-worker and friend, Sarah. She just calls it “walking and talking with a co-worker” (as does my other co-worker and friend, Debbie), but to me it is SO MUCH more. Sarah has been walking out of work with me a few times this past week, just to lend a steady hand if I need it. I have been so incredibly blessed by this. It’s meant the world. The weather has been rainy and icky. My walking has been extremely effected by this. Sarah has been incredibly kind and patient walking just as slowly as I do, so that just in case I need some help, she’s there. I have to say that ALL my co-workers have been just as kind. I am SO BLESSED.

Even with walking poorly, I’ve kept the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device the same as it was last week. I really am convinced that if this weather will clear up, my walking will too. But, if doesn’t after this week, I’ll revisit turning the electricity up or down.

So, you may be wondering (or maybe not, just humor me!) why I don’t go back to using the cane or the walker when I really need it. My dad has begged me to. Friends have mentioned that it’s not a failure. The truth is, I’m afraid I’ll become dependent on them again. I was speaking with someone today and I told her that I think my fear of falling is just as great, if not greater than actually falling. I need to fight that fear by doing what I fear the most: walking without assistance. I’m not completely stupid though. If I truly feel like I can’t walk, I will use (or at least carry) the cane. But, right now I’m in a battle with myself over fear. So, it’s between me and God. Today, I had the vision of Peter walking on water stuck in my head. As long as he kept his eyes on Jesus, he could walk. It was fear and taking his eyes off of Jesus that made him stumble. I also had the vision today of my foot in Jesus’ hand. He has me in the PALM of HIS HAND – ALWAYS!! Why do I forget this every five minutes?! He’s kept me safe thus far and He’ll continue to keep me safe. There is nothing that happens in my life that He doesn’t already know about, that He hasn’t already ordained, that He hasn’t already turned around for His good. Why then must I worry? I shouldn’t and with God’s help, with my very being in the palm of His hand, I’ll be alright. God’s Got This!!

Tune-In Tuesday: August 1

This past week has seen more GOOD days then bad and for that, I’m eternally grateful!!

I was talking with a high-up executive at work yesterday (who knows about my walking issues) and he said, “I saw you walking in the other day!” I immediately thought, “Oh my gosh, was it a good walking day or not?!” He could have seen me walk well or he could have seen me fall in the flowers – haha! He didn’t go any further and I didn’t press him. I really, really, really hope he saw me on a good day though!

I am happy to report that I haven’t had any more falls or embarrassing situations this past week, so that’s a win! God’s kept me upright and (somewhat!) stable. Like I’ve said in an earlier post, I try to rationalize everything in regards to how I’m walking. Like, “Oh, I must be walking bad today because of the weather.” BUT – I’m learning that the more I try to rationalize, the more I drive myself crazy. It is what it is! This past week’s stab at rationalization was that there is a very, very, very fine line between when I’ve over-done walking and when I haven’t done enough. Saturday, I felt wonderful, so I ran errands. Saturday night, I realized that maybe I’d over-compensated and I was spent! This also meant that I had trouble walking on Sunday, but not all the time. What got me the most on Sunday was the church parking lot. I’m like a deer in the headlights. It’s this vast parking lot with nothing to grab ahold of if I feel myself falling and I tense up. Thankfully, I have wonderful church friends who lend hands when need be, or just walk with me if all I need is moral support. However, when I’m inside church, I walk well on the carpet and so-so on the gym floor. Go figure!

I had to make a decision this week on which neurologist I would see exclusively. The reason? Well, it turns out that my Knoxville neurologist and my Nashville-now-turned-Knoxville neurologist have ended up at the same neurology practice here in Knoxville.

A little background in case you’re new around here: A few years ago I had to find another neurologist as mine was moving out of state. Thanks to a friend and fellow church member, I started seeing Dr. LeForce. He’s the one that suggested deep brain stimulation. At the time, his practice referred deep brain stimulation patients to Vanderbilt. So, Dr. LeForce referred me and I met Dr. Tolleson. While going through all the DBS appointments and the like, I saw Dr. Tolleson in Nashville and Dr. LeForce here in Knoxville. Dr. Tolleson controlled all my adjustments to the DBS and was in on the DBS surgery. Dr. LeForce prescribed all my medication. Fast forward to January 31 of this year. I was at a follow-up appointment with Dr. Tolleson in Nashville. At the end of the appointment, he said, “I’m not going to be able to be your neurologist anymore.” I was absolutely crushed as I’d grown to really like and trust him. Seriously, I wanted to cry. But in the next breath he said, “I’m moving to Knoxville.” I didn’t know if I had heard him correctly, “Did you say, Knoxville? As in Tennessee?” “Yes”, he responded. And then I burst out, “I live in Knoxville!!”. He had forgotten that I traveled to see him. He turned to his resident and said, “Well, that’s not the reaction we’ve been getting when we tell people this news!” He said I was free to follow him to Knoxville. Yay! A couple of months later (I think in April), I got a letter in the mail from Dr. LeForce. He said that after much consideration he was leaving the practice he was at and joining a neurological practice at the University of Tennessee. He said that I was more than welcome to follow him there or find a new neurologist. I, of course, was going to follow him. Now fast forward to about a month ago. I realized that I was almost about to run out of medicine. I called Dr. LeForce’s old office and left a message because I didn’t know the phone number to his new office. I got a call back and they gave me the new number. I put it in my phone for safe keeping. Then, when I started falling a few weeks back, I called the University of Tennessee Medical Center to get Dr. Tolleson’s new number. When they gave it to me, I dialed it and Dr. LeForce’s name came up in my phone. Needless to say, both neurologists work in the same practice now. I got in to see Dr. Tolleson on July 20 and while there, completely forgot to ask about whom I should be seeing. I only remembered this week, when I saw that I had an appointment with Dr. LeForce on August 3. So on Sunday, I brought up my dilemma to my family. They helped me hash it out. My ER doctor brother said he would go with Tolleson, since he’s the one who adjusts my deep brain stimulation device. Then it warmed my heart because he said that Tolleson is strictly focused on movement disorders whereas LeForce is general neurology. I asked him how he knew that and he said that he was talking to a neurology drug rep and asked the rep if he knew a new-to-town neurologist by the name of Tolleson. The drug rep said yes, but he didn’t deal with him because Tolleson is specifically focused on movement disorders and the drugs he was selling didn’t fit under that category. It warmed my heart to hear this because my brother had no other reason to ask about Tolleson other than me. ;) Anyway, after we all talked, I felt better. I called the neurology practice on Monday and had to leave a message explaining my situation. When the scheduler called me back, she said, “I see that you have an appointment with Dr. Tolleson in October, but I don’t see any appointment made with LeForce for August 3.” That’s when I told her that the appointment was made before he switched practices. She then said that all of those appointments had been wiped out when he moved practices (I should of known that!). She said that she talked with both doctors (or their nurses) and they were both fine if I wanted to see Dr. Tolleson exclusively (I had stated that in my message). So, Dr. Tolleson it is. Whew! That was a hard decision to make. I really do like both doctors, but it makes no sense to see them both.

So, that’s what went on this past week. I am so, so thankful that my walking has been better. I didn’t mess with the electricity this week since I seem to be in a good spot. It’s not 100 percent, mind you, and there have been times when I’ve needed help, but overall, it’s been pretty sweet.

Sometimes, it still strikes me that I’m walking with my own two feet without a walker or cane. It’s in those moments that I stop and thank the Lord for His goodness. And when there are days that I can hardly walk, well I stop and thank Him that I made it from point A to point B and I remember the times I have been able to walk. It’s definitely a journey. Some days I’m in the valley and other days I’m on the mountaintop. But I always remember that God’s Got This!!