After a wonderful “Shouting from the Rooftop” day last Tuesday, I experienced another one on Wednesday and another on Thursday and another on Friday and Saturday and Sunday and Monday and today. This means I’ve officially had 7 days straight of “shouting from the rooftop” experiences. While each day had its own worries and wasn’t perfect (who ever has a perfect day?!), I’m rejoicing in the past week. I only want to give praise to Jesus, because I know only HE allowed me to have such a wonderful week. He gets all the credit.
I’ve always been told, “If you pray for rain, you better carry an umbrella.” So, why I was surprised when I woke up on Wednesday and used just the cane to walk into work again, is beyond me! I prayed that I’d be allowed to do it, so I should have expected it! But I didn’t. Forgive me, Lord. I also didn’t put pressure on myself. I told myself that when I got to work, I would let God guide what I did. I had no clue whether I’d just grab the cane, or be led to remove the walker from the car and use it. When I got out of the car at work, without thinking or making it a big deal, I left the walker behind and walked with the cane. I made it inside work without any catastrophes! I made it around work without any catastrophes! I made it back to the car without any catastrophes! I made it. Just me and God. With NO walker. It made me think, could I make it into church that night with just the cane? I prayed again and let God work. Again, I had no expectations. I didn’t know if I’d walk in with the walker, or just a cane. But guess what? When I got to church, I heard God saying, “You can do this. Don’t let outside factors deter you. Keep your eye on the goal and walk.” And walk I did! I made it in without tripping, without slipping, without falling. I made it around church without tripping or slipping or falling and I made it back out to my car the exact same way. God is good!
Thursday, I did it again! I did NOT use my walker and I made it safely in, around and out of work on the cane. I was blown away by God’s goodness.
I’m beginning to feel like it’s groundhog day around here, because the same thing happened on Friday. Just the cane. NO WALKER! How did I get this blessed?
Saturday. Saturday was epic for me. It was the day my church had its fall festival. I was in charge of driving the lawnmower train. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this job. I look forward to it every year. I really do! Saturday, I don’t know what possessed me (well, actually I do, it's God!), but I got out of my car and walked in the parking lot without a walker. OK, for most people, this is no big deal. I get that. I do, really. But for me, I was left speechless and in awe of God’s power. I have not been able to do that without a walker in 11 years. 11 YEARS!!!!! I had my cane of course, but if you can’t tell already, I was ecstatic. I had no idea I could or would do that, but God allowed it. I felt free!!!! I had an absolute blast driving people around on the train, but I was a little concerned that sitting so long would get my walking all messed up again, but God took care of that. I had no problems. Also at the fall festival, there was a climbing wall. Last year, I got it in my head that I would love to do it. I’m terrified of heights and thought that would cure me. I didn’t get to do it last year because they had torn it down before I got done with my responsibilities. This year, I told Micah (one of the guys from my church helping with it) that I wanted to do it and to come and get me before they tore it down. As I was driving the train, towards the end of the festival, he said that he thought they would be tearing it down soon and asked if I still wanted to do it. I did. I got a substitute to drive the train around and “suited up”. One of the guys ran and got my dad, so that he could see with his own eyes I was doing this. And then, I failed. Yep, I failed, but then again, I didn’t really. I found out real quick, I’m not very strong at all. Haha. I didn’t even make it halfway up – and not because I was afraid of the height – it was because I didn’t have the strength to pull myself up. It looked a lot easier than it actually was!! But you know, I wasn’t even mad or disappointed at myself (like I thought I would be). I was actually kind of proud of myself for trying. It was an epic moment. My dad actually filmed the experience (which I didn’t know he was doing!). What I got from that video was that I was having a blast. I had the biggest smile on my face and was laughing the whole time. So, while I didn’t conquer the climbing wall, I conquered what mattered most. I conquered fear. I conquered the voice inside me that said I couldn’t or wouldn’t do it. I tried and that’s the triumph! After the fall festival, I ran errands and more epic things happened. I went to Aldi. When I got to the store, I felt God saying that I should try walking in without my walker. And guess what? I did! I walked to the grocery carts without my walker. I also went to Walgreens to pick up some pictures. I walked in with just my cane. I walked around the store WITHOUT a cart. Saturday was such an epic day, I was totally, completely exhausted that night. I slept like a baby!!
Sunday was a little more problematic, but still a really good day. I sat with my brother, his wife and my 5-month old niece/goddaughter on the back row. We had communion, so I had to walk the length of the aisle up to receive it. It turned out to be a good thing. I had (once more!) walked into church with just a cane and left the walker in the car. I walked up to communion with minimal issue. It was on the way back to my seat, that I got performance anxiety. My brother held on to me, so I wouldn’t fall and we could walk faster. It was pouring down rain when we left church and my brother once again held on to me so that I’d make it safely to the car – which I did. We went out to eat after church with my dad and I walked into the restaurant and out of it with my cane and no one had to help me.
Yesterday (Monday) was not a very good walking day. I still made it in to work walking with the cane and no walker, but I went out to lunch with a friend/co-worker and had some issues. I didn’t fall though. When I walked out to my car at the end of the day, I was having visible issues. It was because, once again, I got performance anxiety. My eyes made contact with the eyes of a woman who was sitting in a car. And just like that, I couldn’t walk without issue. I must have been really bad, because the woman got out of her car and walked over to me and asked if I needed help. I told her kindly no, that I needed to do it by myself. I didn’t tell her she was making me nervous! I thought she’d go back to her car. A part of me wanted her to go back to her car! But she didn’t. She didn’t touch me, but she did walk with me. A part of me was saying to myself that she was making it worse, but then another part of me was thankful for the “distraction”. I told her that there was such a thing as the best distraction. When I’m not 100% focused on my walking, I walk the best. I have to concentrate, but then again not so much that I psych myself out. This woman ended up being a huge blessing and my perfect distraction! She told me that she had seen me on several occasions walking with my walker as she comes every day to pick up her husband. As I made it to my car, I thanked her for being my distraction. As I sat in my car, it struck me that I didn’t get her name!! This only furthered my thinking that she was God’s instrument to help me to the car without falling. It was a defining moment for me. I didn’t get what I wanted (to be left alone to get to the car by myself), but exactly what I needed (someone to walk with me, to be there just in case I were to fall) and I have only God to thank for that! While Monday was not my best day walking, I reflected on the day last night as I lay in bed and God made me realize, I didn’t fall. Not once. I did not fall. So, Monday wasn’t a bad day after all. It was just a day, but it was a day I didn’t fall. My confidence was shaken, but not destroyed.
This morning as I drove to work, I asked God to make me brave and courageous. I didn’t know if I’d use the walker. I was really shaken still from yesterday and didn’t want to get “stuck”. But you know what? When I got to work, I walked without my walker from the parking lot to my desk. I walked in spite of being shaken by the thought that I might fall. I had an appointment that I had to go to and I was nervous that this “disruption” in my schedule would throw my walking off. I’m weird like that! But neuro-pathways are weird! I’m trying to rebuild mine and sometimes any little disruption literally makes my walking tough again. But, God didn’t allow me to get “disrupted”. I asked Him for protection – to build a mighty fortress around me – to go before me, stand behind me and be by my side. I asked that I wouldn’t get distracted by others coming and going from work and that I wouldn’t slip, trip or fall. And you know what? He delivered on every level. Today I ended up walking into and out of work a total of four times and at no point did I use my walker or fall. Not once. God hit me this today: I have walked for an entire week WITHOUT A WALKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This blows my mind. An entire week. Thank you, Jesus. I am forever grateful.
I don’t know if tomorrow I’ll have to use the walker again. I may have to. I may not. I’m not going to allow myself to feel like I’ve failed if I do have to use it. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know my God intercedes for me, protects me and builds me up. I am completely blown away by the goodness He has bestowed upon me this past week. I didn’t have any clue what would happen, but I knew that whatever did happen was all a part of God’s plan.
Thursday, September 22, I head back to Vanderbilt for my six-month post-op check-up. I’m nervous and anxious about it. I’ve wondered what will happen on that day. Will I get performance anxiety again and have to use my walker? Or will I be able to walk with a cane? I debate back and forth in my mind what I want to happen that day. The debate is whether I want the doctor to see me at my worst or see me at my best. I have my reasons why I want him to see both. I get so caught up in this thought process that I drive myself crazy, so I’m taking a deep breath and praying my heart out. I relinquish control (not that I really had any to begin with!) and hand the reigns over to God, so He can do His thing. I will not worry. I will not be afraid. I will trust in the Lord and I will always, always, always remember that GOD’s GOT THIS!!!
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