I didn’t turn up my deep brain stimulation device today. Last night, I had every intention to do so, but when I woke up this morning, I heard a still, small voice that said, “Wait”. I’m probably the least patient person in the whole universe, so this was NOT really what I wanted to hear, but I did feel at peace about it. I knew it was God. So, I wait.
Since Friday, when I turned the device down from 3.20 volts to 3.00, I’ve had good walking days and I’ve had bad, but at the end of each day when I’m lying in bed, I just can’t help but abundantly praise Jesus for watching over me another day.
I am happy to report that I walked pretty well the day and night of my grandmother’s 90th birthday bash. I had a blast with all of my family and friends and it was a wonderful time of celebration and honoring my grandmother.
The Sunday after her party, wasn’t so good walking wise. I started walking into church with just the cane, but I was having problems. My uncle (unbeknownst to me at the time) had pulled up to get my grandmother and he saw me walking and asked if I needed any help. I told him, thank you, but I wanted to do it by myself. So I continued on, until a church member and friend, Jim, came out of the church and asked if I needed help. At first, I said no, I wanted to do it myself. He said he understood and said he’d just walk beside me in case I needed him. Well, 2 seconds later, I needed him. :) I just grabbed a hold of his arm and he helped me the rest of the way in. The day’s walking didn’t get much better than that. I will say I was able to walk around my grandmother’s house after church pretty well because of her carpet. I went to the grocery store and had to hold onto the cart for dear life and then the rest of the day I spent trying to walk as little as possible!
Yesterday was a bad day, I won’t sugar coat it. I started walking into work with the cane and got a few steps in and knew it wasn’t happening, so I turned around and walked back to the car and got my walker. While I did manage to walk all day at work with just the cane (using the walker to get in and out of the dreaded parking lot), it was painfully slow and only when absolutely necessary. I even “cheated” and once again pulled up in my car to my mailbox, instead of walking to and from it. I was in a down mood yesterday because of all of this. I so thought that turning the device back to a setting I had pretty good results on would be the right thing to do, but I started doubting myself. So, I prayed.
I pretty much had it resolved in my head that I would turn up my DBS device by .10 and be at 3.10 volts – a happy medium (or so I thought) between having too little and too much electricity. But then this morning happened. I woke up singing the hymn, “How Great Thou Art”. I have NO idea where that came from, as I wasn’t listening to any music and I haven’t heard or sung that song in a long while. I also had the verse, “This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it,” rolling through my head. Again, I have no idea where that came from. And then it struck, I DO know where both of those things came from. They came from God. Then in the midst of my singing (in my head) the song and reciting the verse, I heard a still, small voice (The Lord’s) saying, “Wait” and I knew exactly what had to be done. I had to wait. I wasn’t supposed to turn the device up today. I was supposed to wait. I exercised on my stationary bike and then took a shower. It was while I was in the shower that something miraculous happened. I do believe it was a sign from God telling me He still hears my prayers and He still cares for me. I was praying and asking the Lord to help me walk again assistance free and at the exact moment I prayed for that, I felt the muscles in my knee, foot and toes relax. It didn’t last too long, but just enough to give me hope.
I decided at that moment that today would be in God’s hands. EVERY DAY is in God’s hands – I know this, but today, I consciously gave it over to Him and you know what? I’m amazed. Not because today was perfect, (it was actually far from it) but because HE kept His promises: He never left me nor forsook me. He was there every tiny, painful, exhaustive step I took. He was there. He didn’t allow me to fall. He allowed me to overcome.
I had not decided before I got to work whether I would use the cane or the walker to walk in. I let God direct my path. When I got out of the car, I couldn’t find my cane anywhere and I started to panic that maybe I left it at my desk at work since I used the walker the day before. But, I found it! It had slid between the passenger seat and the door. It’s black, so I didn’t see it at first, but finding it only meant one thing: I was to use it. So I did. I stepped out on faith and prayer. And my worst nightmare (at the moment) came true. No lie. I got into the part of the garage where I have to cross over the lane where traffic comes through to get to the hallway that leads into the building and I got stuck. That’s the only way I know how to describe it. Several people asked me to explain what I meant and I had to say I was literally stuck. I couldn’t move my left leg or foot at all. It was like they were super glued to the floor. And to make matters worse: A car came at just that moment. I couldn’t look at it because if I did, I’d lose my balance and fall instantly. I’m not even sure how I got out of this predicament, but somehow God allowed me, ever so slowly to loosen up and millimeter by millimeter make it to the other side. The car, thankfully, had enough room to get around me. I made it. With the help of God, I made it. That’s the only way I made it. I got out of my car at 7:08 am. I made it to my desk at 7:21am. For 13 minutes, I was scared beyond measure, but you know what? God got me through. I didn’t fall. I got “unstuck”. God was by my side every step of the way. I had to leave work a little after 10am for an appointment. Instantly, fear struck again – the dreaded parking garage. My co-worker, Debbie asked if I wanted her to walk with me to my car. Everything in me was screaming, “YES!!!!!!” and yet what came out of my mouth, was, “no”. What?!!!! That was not me talking! That had to be God. So I walked with God. As I approached the parking garage, I literally said in my head, “OK, God, it’s just You, me and the parking garage.” I made my way to my car and literally my worst nightmare (at the moment) came true AGAIN!!! God, this is NOT how I had this planned in my head. ;) I got smack-dab in the middle of the path of on-coming traffic and a car came. This time, there was no place for him to get around me. He would have to stop and wait until I made it over. I thought to myself, “I can’t do this. I’m going to fall. I’m going to get hurt.” I’m pretty sure, I had the “deer in the headlights” look. And yet, God allowed me to walk. Better than earlier in the morning, but still slower than a snail’s pace. It was only God that got me to the other side without falling. It was also only God who made me stop this time and turn-around to see who was in the car. I didn’t know him (although I’ve seen him around). He stopped his car, rolled down his window and asked, “Do you need a strong arm?” I told him no – that I was trying to do it on my own and I thanked him. As he drove off, I wanted to cry, but not because I was sad or discouraged or embarrassed, but because of his loving gesture and how beautiful his words were to me. As I sit here tonight writing this post, it struck me how his words are GOD’s words. God asks, “Do you need a strong arm?” I do! And I’m so thankful He gives it to me willingly and lovingly. For it’s by His strong arm that I made it to the car without any falls.
I went to my appointment and walked in and out of it using just my cane. I was asked by a man walking out at the same time I was if I needed help, but again, I declined. I was right by my car as it was. The kindness of strangers blew me away today. As I got back to work, I noticed that the parking spot I parked in that morning was taken, so I parked in another part of the garage and walked, ever so slowly in to work. I made it – with God’s help, I made it! I walked around work all day just using my cane. Then it was time for me to leave for the day (a little early) to go to another appointment. I had problems, lots and lots and lots of problems. So many problems that two people came running to me in the parking garage to ask if I needed help. By the time they came, I was “this close” to my car, so I once again declined. The look on their faces made me think they didn’t believe I’d make it to my car without some kind of assistance, but you know what?! I did, just me and God and my cane, but out of all three of those it was GOD who got me there. I got to the car and exhaled. I walked in to my after-work appointment just using the cane and I walked back out just using the cane. I got home and walked to the mailbox. Painfully slow and awkward and it took me forever and when I got there, there was NO MAIL. So I “cheated” on the way back and walked in the grass, but I made it. Correction: I made it only because the LORD ordained it. Thank you, Lord!!!
I feel like Peter in the Bible. When he had his eyes on Jesus, he was able to walk on water. It’s only when he took his eyes off of Jesus that he began to sink. Of all the people in the Bible, I identify most with Peter. I MUST keep my eyes trained on Jesus and I'll be OK. It's when I look away from Him that I start to fall and fear and become anxious. So when I make it 4 TIMES - Did you read that?! 4 TIMES in one day walking in the parking garage without falling, I can do nothing but give all the glory to God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the end of the day (and at the end of this blog post – I know you were probably thinking when will this entry end!) I want to shout it from the rooftops all over again. God is an AWESOME God. Even in the bad, GOD’s GOT THIS and I’m living proof.
No comments:
Post a Comment