Tune-In-Tuesday: May 21, 2019

This will be a quick, short post. After two weeks on a higher level of electricity, I decided that I should actually go (back) down to 3.20 volts on Frequency A. I didn't have any success on the higher level. Before I went down, I thought for a quick second about going higher, but in the end decided against that. We'll see what happens. ;) I may decide to go higher or experiment with different levels, but honestly I just want to "set it and forget it." However, this coming (long) weekend would be a good time to "play" and see if I can get on a level that works for me. Ahh...I don't know what God's trying to teach me in this season, but I can guess and my guess would be that it may be patience, perseverance and/or trust. I'm not going to lie, I'm kind of in a bad mood because I was doing so well for awhile and now I'm not. But, just because I'm in a bad mood, it doesn't mean that I've stopped trusting that God hears my prayers and acts on them. I can only imagine the bad things He's kept me from experiencing because of the stuff I KNOW He's kept me from experiencing. I marvel at prayers He's answered and how He's sheltered me. He is a good, good God and yet - I complain! How dare I because I know that many, many, many people are experiencing things way more frustrating, scary, and down right life-altering than me. But, I'm writing this to show that I do get frustrated in the journey. I am human, after all. ;) But, frustration is just a feeling and it will pass! (It's even started to pass as I write this post!). I know God is good because after all, in all things...GOD'S GOT THIS!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: Patience

It’s been a week since I turned up the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device and to tell you the truth, I haven’t felt any different. I didn’t fall (yay!!), but I haven’t seen any improvement to speak of either. Patience. God’s still trying to drill that into my head (and yes, I do get the irony of that statement!).

I’ve had some people comment that it looks like I’m limping. I don’t mind this at all, because the people who have commented don't know my backstory. After I told one of them, they completely turned their statement around to say, “then you are making major progress!!”. Haha. Well, you’d think, three years out that I would have made more progress, but then again – patience.

I trust that God knows what He is doing in my life. So, the fact that I’m still struggling must mean that He’s either still teaching me something or He’s going to use it for good or quite possibly, both! I’ve got to trust Him and His time-frame. For He has always been faithful to keep me in the palm of His hand.

I’ve come to the realization that even though I’ve said in the past that it doesn’t hurt me physically turning the electricity up or down, it does, somewhat. I’ve tested my theory. 😉 It doesn’t hurt in the way I thought it would though. I thought maybe I’d feel a shock or something, but it’s a dull ache or a pulling in my left shoulder/chest area. It does go away a day or two after I adjust it, but it’s there.

I’ll decide in another week if I should go up further with the electricity, stay where I’m at or go down. I must say a “thank you” to all of you who have helped me with lending an arm to lean on or encouragement or other acts of kindness. I may not mention every name in this blog but do know that I am eternally grateful and that YOU are an answer to prayer. Even if I’m embarrassed or want to “do it on my own”, I do appreciate your willingness to help. I’m probably making this way harder on myself by not giving in and using a cane but thank you for humoring me and offering help when you think I need it.

Oh – I almost forgot – I got a haircut. Yes, that must be documented – haha. I got three inches cut off and now I’m ready for summer!!

God is always good. God is always faithful. GOD’S GOT THIS!!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: Humbleness, Hair and Everything In Between

Being humbled is hard. It's never fun and can be painful at times. However, there is much to learn from it. The past week was mixed with lessons in humility and yet being able to see God’s great mercies at the same time.

My new position at work is wonderful. I absolutely love it, but it’s also humbling. I’m doing something completely new to me and where I once “knew it all” (Ahh, that sounds haughty and pretentious and not humble at all!), that’s not the case in this new position. I am SO OPEN to learning new things, but there are times I mess up and don’t know what I’m doing, and I must humble myself, admit that I don’t know what I’m doing, ask for help and receive instruction. It’s a good lesson to learn. I must open myself up for critique and constructive criticism. The same can be said for my walking. I may think from time to time that I’m doing well, or I don’t need help, but then with the snap of a finger, things change. I must open myself up, humble myself and ask for help when I need it. In both scenarios though, God has taught me humbleness, but He’s also shown mercy. In the job scenario, it’s having super understanding co-workers who jump right in when I have questions. I also got to see, for the first time, one of the videos I created in all its glory in the edit bay. The editor was there with me and once he added all the music and transitions, it turned out beautifully. Thank you, God for this tiny, but mighty gesture to let me know everything is going to be OK. In the walking scenario, God shows His mercies time and time again. This past week it was shown through my friend Whitney who was there if need be to help me up to, through and back from communion at church. I (definitely) get by with a little help from my friends. Haha! Also, God brought to my mind what I told my neurologist at the very, very, very beginning of the process towards being approved for deep brain stimulation. I remember distinctly him asking me what I wanted to get out of this surgery. My response to him was, “I want to be able to walk with a cane.” Funny, how now I fiercely refuse to use a cane at all. He gave me a little (by allowing me not to have to use a walker – praise Jesus!) and now I want more. But – it’s humbling and empowering at the same time to say that I don’t walk with either a walker OR a cane, when all I wanted three years ago was to be able to walk with a cane. Sometimes looking back is a good thing because you can see how far you’ve come. That’s not to say, watching me walk without a walker or a cane, you may want me to walk with one of them, but I don’t care if I’m slow, or rigid or have issues, I’m walking. Now, watch, next week, I’ll write that I decided to start using a cane again because things like that always happen to me, but God-willing, that won’t be the case. 😉 I am thankful. So very, very thankful!

I guess maybe the most important thing to talk about in this post (I know, after you’ve already read a book from me above!) is that I (finally!) turned up the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I woke up yesterday morning and just felt like I should. Nothing happened to make me make that decision. In fact, for the first time in a LONG time, I had a fall-free week. Yay!! And yet, crazy that now’s when I want to turn the electricity up. I know. Why change it now? To tell you the truth, I have NO IDEA. I just woke up feeling a nudge to do it. It really takes all of two seconds to do it. So, I did it. Only from 3.20 volts to 3.30, so nothing drastic or earth shattering, but we’ll see if that does anything. I usually wait until bedtime to mess with the electricity, so that I can be doing “nothing” and give it a little time to work, but this time I switched it first thing in the morning. It doesn’t matter when you do it, I just found that bedtime seems like a better time for me. The results usually take about 2 weeks to work anyway. And you know how patient I am. 😉 Sometimes, I’m able to feel something right away, but sometimes I don’t. This time, I didn’t feel anything. I’m still waiting on results. Once I turned it up, I realized that I do have an appointment with Dr. T. (my neurologist) scheduled for the middle of July, so if I want to play around with the settings and how much electricity I’m giving myself, now’s the perfect time to do it, so that I can report back to him.

I realized at the beach a couple of weeks ago, that I am an EXTREMELY SLOW walker now. I mean, I knew this, but it was brought to light more vividly. On sand, I was fine, but on the boardwalk to the beach my dad would help me. Sometimes, he was walking too fast for me. I would say, “I’m sorry” and he would say, “Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re fine. Just tell me to knock it down a gear.” So that’s what I did. He’d say, “Ok, now we’re in second gear. Now we’re in first gear.” Haha. At least he made me laugh. One night, he said that earlier in the day as he was making his way back to our condo a guy on the boardwalk told him he should be careful, that there was a snake on the boardwalk earlier. My dad tells me this as we’re walking on the boardwalk. I can’t walk any faster than I already am, and he tells me this. He knows I’m deathly afraid of snakes. Why does he torture me like this?!?!?! (all of that was typed while I’m smiling…only my dad (or brothers in my case too) would say that.) 😉

Ya’ll, my hair is turning into a mullet again. I’ve been meaning to go get it cut, I just haven’t had time. But I must do it this week. It’s getting bad. 😊 Also, my mom will love it and it is Mother’s Day on Sunday. I never thought of how hair grows back until all of it was shaved off. It grows at the same rate no matter if it’s coming from the top of your head or the back of your head – hence, the mullet!

I think that this is a long-enough blog post, so I’ll close now (and I hear a sigh of relief from those reading!). Overall, it’s been a great week. How could it not be? God chose to wake me up every day, gives me a job to go to, lavishes me with friends and family I don’t deserve and the icing on the cake was, I didn’t fall! Ya’ll – as always – GOD’S GOT THIS!!!!!!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: Sun, Sand and Sea

Is it just me, or does anyone else get sad when they return from vacation? Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and my home life and routine, but I also get sad and a little blue when returning from vacation. I miss the family time and the relaxation and the sun, sand and sea. I had a great week last week at the BEACH!! And, thankfully, after returning from the beach, it’s been sunny and hot here at home: just the way I like it!

How was everyone’s Easter? Mine was lovely. My dad even gave me (and this blog) a shout-out in his Easter sermon. He talked about what I always say on here – God’s Got This!

While it was great to be at the beach, it didn’t rid me entirely of walking problems. Well, that is when I wasn’t on the sand. On the sand, for whatever reason, I’m FREE!!! (A little disclaimer here: it has to be the fluffy sand or sand that gives, I do have problems on hard sand.) I walk without issue, without fear of falling. I walk like everyone else, but once my feet hit the pavement, I’m back to having issues. Only God knows why this is. 😉 Doctors can’t explain it, I can’t explain it, it just is.

I met a cute lifeguard – Joe - while at the beach. And, it wasn’t because I needed a lifeguard – haha!! 😉 As we were talking, he asked if I had a pacemaker. I’m not going to lie; the question threw me. Sometimes I totally forget that I have a visible scar that’s made even more visible in a swimsuit! I don’t care at all if people ask me about it, I just wasn’t expecting the question and like I mentioned earlier, he was rather cute, so I think that had a lot to do with it too. So, I stumbled in responding, but did manage to tell him it wasn’t a pacemaker; that it was a deep brain stimulation device. He quickly said I didn’t have to tell him about it, but I wanted to, so I did. He said that he must be extra cautious with people on the beach that have pacemakers. We talked a little longer until he got a call and had to go.

Anyway, I think that’s all I've got to report, but then again, I’ll probably think of something else as soon as I post this (which is normally what happens!). The past 2 weeks since I last posted have not been void of problems. I’ve fallen, and I’ve had bad moments, but you know what? That’s life. Sometimes it’s just going to be bad, but God is bigger than all of that. He shows up in the unexpected and He lavishes His grace on me in ways that make me want to just stand there dumbfounded with jaw wide open because of His goodness. God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: A Wild Ride

I was all prepared to start this post with the fact that this past week, I struggled again with walking. That’s a true statement. I struggled. But then, Saturday, I started to turn the corner. I don’t know how long it will last or why it’s happening now, but I’m savoring every moment of it.

I was beginning to doubt my decision to remain on the same frequency and level of electricity that I’ve been on for awhile now. I fell again. It was at work and thankfully the only one who saw me was one of my work besties.

Here’s the aftermath of 4 falls (I think), in 4 weeks:

And while I’m showing embarrassing pictures of myself, I thought I’d go ahead and share these. I had the thought again this week that I’ve never had anything taken OUT of my body (you know, tonsils, appendix, anything like that), but I’ve had plenty put in. Thankfully these deep brain stimulation “wires” somewhat look like they belong, but here’s the actual “wires”:

And here are the veins I was born with. 😊

I had yoga on Friday night and my instructor asked what I was in the mood for. I told her hard. I wanted to do hard – to push myself. Hard she gave me! Some of it I didn’t think I’d make it through, but I did, and it felt amazing. I can do hard.

I had yoga again tonight. We did hard again, but my legs were like jelly afterwards. I struggled walking to the car, but I made it and that’s all that matters!

Some of you know what’s been going on with me professionally, but most of you don’t. I feel like I can finally divulge what’s been transpiring over the past few months. On January 24, I was informed that my job was being eliminated. It came as a shock, yet not a shock. Eighteen months earlier my company had been bought. I knew this was a possibility (losing my job), but it wasn’t reality until January 24. I was given a July 1 end date. That was a HUGE blessing, because I had time to look for another job while I still had a job.

Since January 24, I’ve been living with the stress of knowing that my time in my current position is dwindling, but also needing to do my very best in the position while looking for a new position and/or job and/or career. Those that know me in “real life” (not just through “blog life”) know how much I LOVE my job. When I was 13 years old my family moved to Knoxville, Tennessee. One day I was riding in the car with my Mom and I looked over and saw TV satellites. I told my mom that I was going to work there one day. She laughed and told me I didn’t even know what that was. I told her I didn’t care, I knew it had something to do with TV and I was going to work in TV. Flash-forward 11 years and God answered my prayer. I’ve been at my job ever since. Hearing I was losing it was devastating, but I had/have complete trust that God knows what He’s doing and as I always say, He’s Got This!

The last week of February, I interviewed for 3 positions in 3 different departments at my current company and on March 1, I verbally committed to one. It wasn’t “in writing” and official until March 11, but even then, I kept it under wraps, lest anything should happen. But yesterday, April 15 was my first day in my new position and I LOVED IT. I love the group I’m in and what I’m doing. My mom and dad once told me after I graduated college that I “would never be able to find a job where (I) watch TV all day.” It’s taken me awhile, but I’m proving them wrong – haha!!

As I was cleaning out my desk at work (in preparation to move to a different cube), I found the manual to my DBS device. I don’t remember when I brought it to work, but I must have because there it was. I noticed something on it that I had never noticed before. It says, “RX only”. I burst out laughing and said to a co-worker, “Well, DUH! You must have brain surgery to get this device." It's not just something you can buy at the store. It made me smile.

All the “what-if’s” and the stresses of losing my job took a toll on my walking. But, I knew what was going on, hence, I didn’t want to make any drastic changes to the flow of electricity in my deep brain stimulator. If I could weather the storm awhile, walking would return to “normal” (normal for me at least. 😊). It’s slowly returning. It’s not returning as fast as I’d like, but it’s getting there.

This was a rather long post, so thank you for hanging in and reading until the end. May everyone reading have a wonderful Holy Week and a blessed and joyous Easter. Always remember…God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: I Can Do Hard Things

Country singer, Jennifer Nettles has come out with a new song titled, "I Can Do Hard Things". To be honest, I hadn't heard the song until today when I YouTubed (yes, I just made that word a verb!) it, but the title of her song has been in my mind for days, if not every day this past week. I can do hard things. Sometimes those hard things include getting up after a fall or walking into work because I must, but feeling like I may fall at any time. Sometimes it’s putting a smile on my face and masking the fear that fills me to walk. Other times, “hard things” is humbling myself and asking for help. Three years out of deep brain stimulation surgery and I’m still learning. Some people have told me, "You're so brave, you had brain surgery." I know what they mean and I thank them for that compliment, however, I like to say, the surgery was only hard for the surgeon. The hard part for me is everything that came after the surgery - ha! But, when I feel weak, God is my stronghold.

I’ve struggled again this past week with walking. I was “this close” to making it a whole week without falling and then I fell. I tripped over my own two feet. Go figure! No one's ever accused me of being graceful. 😉 It's beginning (I know… after THREE years) to sink in that I will have good days and bad. (DUH, doesn't everyone?!). It’s going to come in cycles. I must savor and praise God for the great days and store them in my memory bank for the bad days. Bad days will come, but I know that I will get through them. DBS isn’t a miracle. Only God can perform miracles. DBS is, however, a tool that God has blessed me with to be able to help with the hard. I was just reflecting today on the decision to have it done and to this day, without batting an eye, I can say I’d do it all over again. I don’t regret one bit that I went that route. It’s been a blessing – even with all the hard days.

I had two sweet co-workers encourage me with their words yesterday. I thank God for them and for their encouragement. I can get lost in my thoughts of what I imagine other people think of me and that is paralyzing. But that’s what the devil wants – for me to be paralyzed by my fear. Well, not today, Satan, not today! God’s bigger than my fears and He helps me overcome.

The words that always come to mind when I’m paralyzed with fear are: "I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind, The God of Angel Armies is always by my side.” (Whom Shall I Fear by Chris Tomlin) Ever since I first heard that song – those are the words that instantly come to mind. The visual on those words comfort me immeasurably.

I’ve come to the realization that the more I walk, the better things are. It’s using muscle memory. But when I’m having “bad” days, walking is what I want to do the least. Isn’t that in all things? The thing we want to do least is sometimes the very thing we need to do to grow, to get better, to succeed, to build courage.

God’s continuing to teach me patience. I’m pretty sure He’ll be teaching me that for the rest of my life. 😉 So, I’m waiting. I’m waiting to do anything with the electricity because I truly feel that this is “just a phase”. But who really knows? Maybe it’s not. I may decide right after posting this that I do want to experiment again with the electricity. I did check to make sure my device was on, because wouldn’t that be something? To go through all of this and then realize it was because my device was turned off! But I assure you, it’s NOT turned off – I checked!

I don't share any of this with you to gain sympathy. In fact, please do NOT feel bad for me. Please don't treat me any different from anyone else. I'm no more different or special then anyone else and I don't want to be treated like that. I'm no saint. I'm a sinner in need of forgiveness, just like the next person. I'll be the first to tell you, I DO ask "why me?" at times. I do whine and complain and get upset and frustrated, but that's just life. I blog because it's a release for me. It's also a history of where I've come from and where I'm going with God's grace. It's a record to show that this journey isn't always pretty even after DBS. I still struggle.

BUT.....

I know that God’s working in my life – without a shadow of a doubt, I know He’s working. I see it in the simple and complex areas in my life. Thank you, Lord for everything. I'm still a work in progress. My only goal in all of this blogging and sharing is to bring glory to God and hopefully help someone else see that God is good all the time and even in the hard parts of life, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: April 2, 2019

It’s been a tough week walking-wise, but I survived – praise Jesus! As I walked into work this morning, a co-worker asked how I was doing. My response was, “I made it in without falling!” And that’s truly how I feel. I want to do a happy dance that I make it to my destinations without falling, although doing a happy dance would probably make me fall – haha! 😉 Sometimes it’s the little victories in life that make life all that sweeter.

You may be asking (or you may not be, just humor me) why I’m not fooling with the electricity settings in my deep brain stimulation system since my walking has been so bad recently. I do have my reasons (even if one of them is that I’m lazy and I just don’t want to fool with it!). The main reason is that I KNOW that this is a good setting for me. I’ve had excellent days on it in the past. I’m leery of messing with it because it takes at least 2 weeks to get the full effect of the change. I know that no setting will be “perfect”, and I have to take the bad with the good and the good with the bad. I also know why I’ve been so stressed lately (I’ll share more on that in an upcoming post) and stress does a number on my walking. IF I can physically get myself to calm down, I can walk a lot better than I have been, however that IF is a huge IF and most of the time doesn’t happen when I want/need it to. But, I’m learning that it is what it is. I’ll have good days and bad.

I fell on Saturday, but I’m convinced it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for the darn wind! It was extremely windy, and I was walking out of the Christian Book Store. I went to open the door and the wind was so intense that at first, I had a hard time opening the door, but then all the sudden a gust of wind came and blew the door completely open. It startled me so bad, that I lost my balance and fell on my knees. I was convinced that they would be all bloody, because I fell hard. However, when I got to the car, they weren’t bloody at all! But, if they had been bloody, I had just bought Band-Aids, so I was all set!!! I thought I was past the worst of it, but they ached so much during the night that it woke me up. And no, I didn’t ice them because I was half asleep and didn’t think about that until the next morning. 😉 But, they are getting better every day.

God’s got everything planned out. For the 3rd week in a row, I’ve been getting to church at the same time that my friend, Whitney’s been getting there. We don’t text or call each other – it’s just happens and that’s a God thing! She’s been helping me. Let me say, I can walk into places without help from others. I do it at work and running errands. However, when there is a friend or family member available and I’m not walking as well as I’d like, I do ask for help. God provides!

This past week wasn’t all bad though. In fact, it had some spectacular moments and memory making events. One of those events was celebrating my niece’s 3rd birthday (a little early as it’s not until April 11, but this was the only time we could all be together; just missing my brother Steven!). To see life through the eyes of (an almost) 3-year-old as well as an almost 5-year-old (her cousin) is magical. Having a baby niece as well is so much fun. I held her until she realized I wasn’t her mom – haha.

My dad took me to lunch today and I have to say it was the highlight of my day. To spend one-on-one time with him is priceless. I am blessed to have both a dad and a mom who love me for me and encourage me. Really every member of my family is like that and so are my friends.

This quote was taken from a desktop calendar my grandmother gave me for Christmas and it really made me stop and think:

So, if I was designed to have problems walking at this stage in life for the purposes of God, then so be it. I don't necessarily like it, but if God's using this detail of my life to help someone else see Him, then it's worth it.

Today's calendar entry was just as good:

Yes, I'm wonderfully made - scraped knees and all. You're wonderfully made. God doesn't make mistakes. And in every detail of my life (and yours): God's Got This!