Tune-In-Tuesday: January 30, 2018

I want to start this post by saying “thank you” for reading! I am incredibly humbled that even one person reads along. To my core, I’m an introvert and sometimes just writing helps me hash things out, while giving me a barrier at the same time. =) Not that I don’t love people and love face-to-face, but sometimes I express myself better in writing than “live and in-person”. And you get to read (or not read) when it’s convenient for you. It’s a win-win!! So, again, thank you for reading. I found this on Facebook and it is 110% me:

This past week has been a mixed bag, walking-wise. Walking hasn’t been all that stellar spectacular, but by no means has it been absolutely horrendously horrible. It’s been perfectly middle of the road.

Last Wednesday at church my friend, Carol, stopped to tell me how amazing I was walking. I found it a tad bit funny, because this was after I walked up to communion, got “into my head” and realized that people might be watching, so I didn’t walk as well as I had been walking. That’s just it – if I can get out of my head and just walk automatically, I can walk! It’s when I start thinking about it and putting too much pressure on myself that I lose balance.

Thursday, an amazing thing happened and you’re going to laugh (at least I think you will) because of what I think is “amazing”. While at work, I got up to walk to the restroom. As I was walking, I tripped over my own two feet. BUT, guess what?!?!?!?! I DIDN’T FALL! I caught myself. I was so proud. I practically ran (haha) back to my desk and exclaimed to my co-worker, Debbie, “Debbie, I tripped over my own two feet, but I didn’t fall!! I was able to catch myself.” She probably thought I was nuts! But, you don’t understand. Since having dystonia, I have never ever tripped and been able to right myself. I’ve always just fallen. Thank you, Jesus that you allowed me to have enough strength to catch myself!! Laugh all you want, but it was monumental for me and so of course I had to document it here on the blog.

The days when I get in bed at night and realize that I got everywhere I needed to get that day without falling or really even thinking about walking, are my favorites. I am so thankful that God allows the veil to be torn from my face so that I am able to recognize and SEE that he is a very, very good God.

Since having dystonia, anything that has to do with walk, run, feet, standing firm….well, I’ve tuned in to those things more. Little sayings, Bible verses, catchphrases…I’m all about them. They are reminders of God’s mercy to me. Have you ever stopped for a moment and contemplated all that God has kept you safe from in a day? I have and I can’t even start to fathom what all He’s rescued me from without my even knowing! Anyway, back to the sayings on walking and running and feet and standing firm. I saw this on Facebook and felt it was made for me:

FOUR WORDS. JESUS SAID FOUR WORDS AND IT WAS.

I think this is why “Mary Did You Know” is my favorite Christmas song: “The LAME WILL LEAP….”
Since I was a child, I have always loved “HOW BEAUTIFUL (on the mountains) ARE THE FEET OF THOSE WHO BRING GOOD NEWS…”(Isaiah 52:7) As a child I think I liked it more due to the Sandi Patty song about “beautiful feet”, but hey, I loved it as a child and now I love it as an adult.

My co-worker, Sarah, just returned from maternity leave and she brought presents. Is that not backwards?! We're supposed to be getting her presents and instead she's lavishing them on us. This was my present from her:

Oh my, how I absolutely LOVE it.

I'm learning yoga, ya'll!! I went to another session tonight and I did so much better on some of the poses. My instructor said she could tell I was doing my homework. And, I have been doing my homework. Even when I don't necessarily want to, I do it anyway and end up loving it. I love a challenge. Although, I'm an introvert by nature, if you dare me to do something, I'll more than likely do it (within boundaries...I'm NOT going to go skydiving or hold a snake - I have my boundaries!!). Like the time a college classmate dared me to flick corn at another classmate in the cafeteria. I did, but had such horrible aim, it went flying through the air to the next table over and hit a professor. =) Oops. Or the time I tried to eat (and by eat, I mean actually swallow) 6 Saltine crackers in a minute. Yeah, I lost that dare. You try it! I digress...but hopefully you get the point...if I'm told I can't do something or something's a challenge, I'm more than likely going to do everything in my power to prove that I can do it or I can overcome the challenge. Sure, there are days when I don't want to try at all, but overall, the stubbornness inside me can be used for good - to overcome. So, back to the yoga. It's a challenge for me. Like sweaty palms challenging, but there's a fire within me to keep going until I master it. No matter how long that takes. The same goes for walking. I'm not (actually, I can't!) giving up on it.

One of my all time favorite quotes comes from the actress Ingrid Bergman. I don't really know anything about her as a person or an actress, so don't judge me on that behalf, but this quote, well it's me through and though: "I was the shyest human ever invented, but I had a lion inside me that wouldn't shut up!"

I found this saying on Facebook (Again! what can I say, Facebook came through for me this past week with witty sayings...) and I love it:

God is good, even on the days when I’m not walking as well as I would like to be. He keeps me humble. He keeps me under his wing. He keeps me close. He renews my strength. He gives me hope. Yes, the devil and all his ways surround me and sometimes get to me, but God is faithful. He never leaves. He sees me through the trying times and rejoices with me in the joy-filled moments in life that are worth so much more than silver or gold. How could life NOT be wonderful when GOD’s GOT THIS?!

Tune-In Tuesday: January 23, 2018

I must admit, I’m having major writer’s block this week as to what to put in this post. It might be that I’m tired. Yes, it’s only Tuesday and I’m already tired! But I guess it’s mainly because things have been “status quo”, which is a good thing! I remain on the same level and amount of electricity. I have great days walking and then I have some days where walking could be better.

Last Tuesday, we got snow and ice here in Knoxville, so my yoga class was cancelled. I was really quite bummed about that, but you know what? I still had the "homework" that my instructor gave me and I could do that! So I did. Throughout the week, even when I didn't necessarily want to do it, I kept up with the homework and it’s getting easier! The reason I’m posting this blog update so late is that I had a yoga class tonight and it was amazing. It pushed me and stretched me in ways I didn’t think possible and I’m learning! My instructor introduced me to the “tree pose” tonight and that’s my new challenge. It’s all about balance and I can say, even before I had dystonia, my balance has never been good! BUT, I’m learning this pose and I’m determined to master it. So what if I fall? I'll get back up again. (I didn’t fall, but that’s what I am most scared of!). If I can conquer the “tree pose” maybe that will help me conquer my fear of falling. I’ve never walked better than I did tonight walking out of yoga. Today, in general, was a good walking day. I’m walking MUCH better than I did yesterday, so that’s good!

Yesterday was one of those days that I didn’t walk as well as I would have liked. While I walked better than some of my previous “good” walking days, I was still having issues. I blame it on the weather (as I tend to do!). It was warm here, like 65-degree warm – in JANUARY! I loved it! However, I think the huge temperature swings are messing with my body. Going from freezing to 65 so quickly, plus the rain it brought in, well, I’m blaming the weather for my not-so-great walking. But – I didn’t fall. I got where I needed to get and back again fine, so in the end yesterday was a win no matter how you look at it. Alive, breathing, thinking, able to work, walk and talk…yeah yesterday wasn’t as “bad” as sometimes my mind likes to trick me into thinking. And, I was in a fantastic mood. It’s usually the other way around. When I have issues walking, I tend to get grumpy. But yesterday, not so much!! Praise the Lord. I also MADE myself get up from my desk at work more often. Yes, I was feeling shaky on my feet, but I made myself walk despite that. Some days bravery comes in bigger bites and on other days not so much. But God was and continues to be faithful.

On Saturday, I went to a baby shower for my friend, Christie. While there, I saw another of her friends whom I’ve seen at various birthday parties and baby showers for Christie. She said I looked fabulous. I told her thank you, but didn’t realize until later what she meant by that. Somehow, later in the afternoon, deep brain stimulation came up in conversation. Mary interjected that the last time she saw me, I was using a walker and recovering from surgery. Then she said, “Look at you now! You’re not using anything!!" Perspective. It all came full circle. While I still have limitations and you can tell that there’s “something wrong” sometimes, I’m not using a walker or a cane. Sometimes, you should look back to see how far you’ve come. On a side note – Christie had her baby today!! She got that baby shower in, just in the nick of time!

I have been watching all the medical dramas that I got on DVD for Christmas, while I work-out. I finished watching season 2 of Chicago Med and now I’m half-way through season 2 of Code Black, and I still have season 5 of Saving Hope to watch. Between real-life medical stuff and watching these shows, I feel like I could be a doctor. I mean, I do know CPR and the Heimlich maneuver! I surprised myself this morning while watching Code Black in that I knew what an ABG was – haha!! Seriously! It’s an arterial blood gas. I have no idea what that is, what it does, what it effects or if you could die from it, but I know what the letters ABG stand for! I’m half-way to being a doctor! (Full disclosure: I "Googled" it and almost fainted. I’m OK with most things medical but when you start talking about arteries and veins and needles and puncturing, well, I get a little woozy. When I have IV's inserted or someone takes my blood, I can't watch. I can't watch them put the needle in. I look at it after the needle's in, but not while they're actually inserting it. But, even after "Googling" it, I’m still unsure exactly what an ABG does). In the season that I’m now re-watching of Code Black there is an entire episode dedicated to Deep Brain Stimulation. How cool is that?! I wrote about the episode in this blog when it first premiered. The deep brain stimulation was done to treat Parkinson’s, but it was still all about DBS! I was enthralled the first time I watched it and the second time and the third time and…well you get the picture. =) Of course, it’s a drama and there will be mistakes and inaccuracies, but the episode was all about DBS!! I remember my dad telling me, after watching it, that he didn’t realize everything that went into it. The person in the episode having the DBS surgery was a doctor himself and was very reserved about having the surgery. I was the complete opposite. Ignorance is bliss sometimes!! I was gung-ho, let’s do this all the way. And I’m so happy I did. What’s that phrase? “It’s a marathon and not a sprint”. Yeah, NOT having Parkinson’s (which I am SO BLESSED that I don’t have!), I don’t see “instant” gratification, but when it does click and I start walking like I haven’t in years – that’s what amazes me. God has, is and I believe, will continue to grow me through this process. I think that’s the coolest part. My reliance on God has grown in leaps and bounds. I’m also learning more about myself. Although there are tears and frustrations and “bad” days, there is definitely – without a shadow of a doubt – joy in the journey.

So, for having "writer's block", I think I've written enough! I’ve hit the highlights of last week. I’ll end with this. Some days I feel defeated, like I can’t do anything right or things in life will never get better or easier. But then God sprinkles love and worthiness and hope and faith on my life and I see how wonderful this life is with Him at the helm. I had that song, “Ooh-oo child, Things are gonna get easier, Ooh-oo child, Things'll get brighter, Ooh-oo child” stuck on repeat in my brain this morning. I have NO IDEA where it came from or why it got stuck in my head. I hadn’t heard it on the radio or on TV, but when I just let it be (and didn’t try to figure out why it got stuck in my head), I thought - maybe God wanted me to hear it. Things will get easier and things will get brighter. Then things will get harder again and there will be storms. That’s just life. Everyone has those days, those ups and downs. But one thing’s for sure and I stake my life on it: GOD’s GOT THIS.

Tune-In Tuesday: January 16, 2018

Ya’ll, I’ve had an amazing week walking wise, so although you may not be reading this until Tuesday when I post it (or later), I’m starting this post on Sunday afternoon. I figured I needed to try and capture how amazing I feel. If you’ve been reading this blog long enough or know me in person, you know I’m more of a pessimist then an optimist. I don't like bringing attention to things like the fact that I've been walking so much better, just in case it doesn't last but, when the Lord does things I can’t keep quiet.

It just happened…there was no defining moment or day...it just happened…I started walking without issue. My feet landed in the right place, they didn’t spasm, or curl up…it just happened. It’s not constant, I still have days where walking is a challenge, but I’ve had more good days then bad this past week and it's brought me so much JOY.

This past Thursday, I had a couple of meetings at work. I was walking with my co-worker, Debbie, to one of them when she said she had something to tell me when we got to the meeting. When we got to the conference room, she exclaimed, “I’ve never seen you walk better. You kept up with me and I wasn’t going slow.” To get the whole picture here, I did have some issues at one point, where I did slow down, but overall, she was right, I kept up! She said she wanted to cry she was so happy.

I’m finding that I MUST get out of my head when walking. I’ve been noticing more and more this past week, that if I walk without thinking (walking automatically, like everyone else), I walk beautifully. It’s when I’m concentrating too hard on walking or being distracted by thinking of what people may think of me, that I slip up. This was never more apparent than on Sunday. Walking into church, I was doing well, until I realized there were people behind me. For whatever reason, I always feel like I must get out of the way of other people. I get anxious and worried. I still made it into church just fine. After Sunday school, I walked down to the Family Life Center for the worship service. Since I was still a little early and felt like I could do it, I decided to walk to the mailboxes to see if I had any mail. I did fine until I got into my head and then I would hiccup. I didn't fall, I just didn't walk as well as I had. It was almost comical, because I knew what was happening. When I thought of something other than walking, I did fine. When I looked around at other people or felt like people were looking at me, that’s when I tripped up.

I really don’t mind at all when people tell me that they were watching me walk – if they tell me AFTER I’ve already walked to them or gotten to my destination. But even this – walking in front of people – has gotten better. I’m not as self-conscious as I used to be. Oh, don’t get me wrong, the fear is still there, but God and I are working on that too!

I’ve shared this before, but I’m sharing it again. I feel like Peter (in the Bible) when he walks on water. If he had his eyes on Jesus, he walked perfectly. When He took his eyes off Jesus he started to sink. This is me, ya’ll. To a T. I have never felt more like a person in the Bible then when I read about Peter. But isn’t Peter all of us to some degree? If I fix my eyes on Jesus, I’m good. The minute my eyes divert to other things, I stumble.

And now, I’m writing on Tuesday. Yesterday (Monday, MLK Day), I got my hair chopped. ON PURPOSE. I don’t know what’s gotten in to me. It is BELOW FREEZING here and I went and chopped all my hair off. I love, love, love long hair, but I just got the sudden urge to go short(er) again. I love that my hair curls even more when it's short. So, I went and saw Clare and got it chopped. For reference, I took a before and after. You’ll also see in the picture my new shirt. It was $1 at Wal-Mart. I know, I splurge big time! But I love what it says. "Perfect is Boring. Be Imperfectly You."

Speaking of being imperfectly me, that’s just what I am at yoga: imperfect. But, I’m doing it. I even did the “homework” my instructor gave me. Four days in row. I HATE homework, but I did it anyway and found that this homework is fun. It’s getting a little easier. But then again, I guess it really depends on the day. Some days I can balance beautifully, some days I’m a klutz. Oh well. Such is life.

I can’t close without mentioning the SNOW we are getting today. I don’t like snow or ice or cold weather, but I confessed to a co-worker that I was a little giddy today when it started. I also didn’t fall in it, so that makes it even better. Just like the weather, there are different seasons in life. Some are cold and icy and harsh and some are warm and inviting and lovely. I’m thankful for all the seasons both in the weather and in life!

I must praise Jesus for this last week. It’s given me even more hope that God hears and God heals. He is still working in and on me. I know there will be bad days ahead because we live in a sin-filled world, however, I also know that there will be amazing days ahead because after all, GOD’S GOT THIS!

Tune-In Tuesday: January 9, 2018

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Thanks for stopping by and reading.

The past week was a pretty good week. I am continually amazed (although I shouldn’t be!) at how God works. Keeping me (and you as well) safe and getting me through things I think are monumental at the time, but realize later were so minuscule that I shouldn’t have even bothered worrying about them in the first place. I get where I need to go, do the things that I need to do and God provides every single time.

I’m thankful that when I sit down to write these posts, that I “let go and let God” so to speak. I really have no clue when I begin a post what I might end up writing or where God leads me. He just leads me and words turn into a post. I’m also thankful that when I write, I’m able to look back at what was and realize that God was and is in everything – every little thing. Thank you, God for the ability to be thankful (and it’s not even Thanksgiving!)!!

I took my third yoga class last Tuesday and I’m not going to lie, I got frustrated. That session made me realize that I do have limitations (as everyone does). My perfectionistic, type A personality wanted me to do everything “just right”, but “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and neither was me learning yoga. ;) So, for whatever reason, I went back again tonight. Do you ever wonder why you keep doing something (good), even if it’s hard? I mean, sure, there are things I give up on, but then there are things that I keep at even though they frustrate me and/or challenge me. I like to think that that’s God giving me a nudge, even when I don’t necessarily want to do it. In last week’s session, I told my yoga instructor that I tend to be the “worrier” in my family. At first, she thought I said I tend to be the “warrior” in my family, so she ran with that. What if I changed my status from worrier to warrior? Something to chew on because it doesn’t happen overnight!

Tonight’s yoga class redeemed last week’s – haha. It was so good! I now have homework and I’m actually excited about it. As my instructor said, she can only get me so far, but I have to put in the time if I want to see results. Just like anything else in life, right? One thing I’m learning is to “get out of my head”. The more I focus on something, the more I fear it (sometimes). If ALL my focus is on walking and not falling, I tend to have more issues. If I do it (walking) naturally, without thinking about it so much, I do it!! I don’t overthink it. That’s my problem: I overthink things way too much, so if I “get out of my head” and do what comes naturally, it flows.

On Sunday, when I got to church, there wasn’t a single parking space to be had unless you went to Timbuktu. Literally – there wasn’t one space. This is an AWESOME thing for a church. Truly it is! It’s not so awesome if you’re the one stuck with no space and have to walk from Timbuktu – ha! I circled the parking lot no less than 5 times. I circled it so many times that someone came out and asked if he could park my car for me. While that was so super sweet of him, the words that came out of my mouth were “No thank you.” What?! That meant I was going to have to walk from Timbuktu. So I did. And it was challenging, but it was good. I didn’t fall. (For those that go to my church, I had to park way out past the sheds.) Only those in my Sunday school class know how late I was. ;) I was convicted on several levels about this experience though. On one hand, I worried that I had not done God’s will in letting someone help me. Maybe it would have been a blessing to the helper and a humbling experience for me. On the other hand, maybe God was telling me, “You can do this. You can walk. Trust me.” Sometimes I must do things myself to overcome the fear of what I think may happen if I do them. I told a friend once I got to Sunday school, that since I was so late, there was hardly anyone in the parking lot – which was great, I didn’t feel like anyone was watching me walk. She only brought up later, “What if you fell and there was no one there to help?”. I hadn’t even thought about that! I was happy with the opposite – a people free parking lot where I could walk at my own pace. I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” answer to my dilemma about either having someone help me or doing it myself. I feel like God used what I chose to help me. I know I can walk that far and I can do it without falling or the help of others. I also know there will be days and times when I know I can’t do it. That’s OK too. I know that there are people that are more than willing to help in any way they can and just knowing that gives me a peace of mind too. On the way back to my car, I walked with a friend who said, “I don’t want to read on your blog that you fell after I left you!”. Once we parted ways, I didn’t fall. ;)

Also at church on Sunday, I had a friend tell me that she had a dream about me the night before and I was running in a Mud Runner race. I was running in a dress and no shoes and she gave me her shoes. Haha. I love that I was RUNNING in her dream. Maybe it’s a foresight of things to come?! There are times when I do feel I could run. We shall see…

Do ever feel like you fail at life? Well, I do. I get frustrated at what is and what isn’t in my life and I tend to take that out on others. I lose my temper quickly, I’m moody and cranky. I fight and I cry and I feel horrible about myself. But then, there’s God’s grace. The older I get the more I crave His love and forgiveness. Going back again to Sunday, I told my Sunday school class that one of the best times in the service for me is when my dad or Pastor Travis announce the forgiveness of God given freely to me. I crave that moment. As a child, I didn’t understand or rarely even listened to that part of the service, but now, it’s one of the most sacred moments of the service. So, I constantly ask God to forgive my short-comings and my sins and ask Him to cleanse me of all unrighteousness. I struggle with being who God wants me to be daily. Sometimes that’s even on an hourly basis. He gives so much, yet I complain so loud. What is walking perfectly in the scheme of things? NOTHING!!! It is NOTHING!!! When I look back on my life, do I remember whether I walked perfectly? Nope! Yes, most of the times I remember if I fell, but even that is NOTHING in the span of a lifetime. So in the words of Ana and Elsa from Frozen, I just need to “let it go”. All my (mostly unfounded) worries and fears and frustrations are in the hand of an everlasting, almighty Father who knows what He’s doing. I’m preaching to myself now! In my heart and in my head, I know that GOD’S GOT THIS!

Tune-In Tuesday: January 2, 2018

Happy New Year!!!!!!!! I hope everyone reading this had a fabulous Christmas and New Year. As 2017 ended and 2018 began one word kept coming to mind when I thought back over 2017: Blessed. I was so incredibly blessed in 2017. Yes, there were hard times and some really hard times, but what I remember the most was how many times and in how many circumstances I was blessed. God saw me through every valley and created every mountain top experience I had. For that, I am truly thankful. When I take a moment to realize that the Creator of Everything takes interest in me, I am truly humbled.

This past week was wonderful. Only God knows if I'll ever get married or have kids, but I have to say that right now He's got me where He wants me and that includes loving on my nieces. I've heard it said that there are no words to describe the love a parent has for a child. That's how I feel about my nieces. I can't put into words how much I love them. When I hear them say my name or when they smile at me, my heart just melts. I've been incredibly blessed over the holidays to spend time with both of them individually and it's done my heart good. I love seeing life through their eyes. Everything's exciting and fun. They also don't see "handicap" or that anything's wrong with anybody. There's an innocence there that is only given by God. Eventually, the innocence goes away as the world creeps in, but for a little while it prevails. Interestingly enough, if I'm holding their hand, I don't have any issues walking. I don't know if it's just a sensory thing or what, but I'm thankful it is the way it is. My heart is full.

Walking has been easier this past week for me - praise the Lord! I've had more confidence and it's been a great week. I didn't fall. But, then there are days like today, when I struggle a little more. Now, I'll say my "struggle" today was more like my "good" walking has been in the past. There were times in the past two weeks when I actually felt like I could categorize my walking as "normal", like there was nothing wrong with the way I walked. That's a bold statement, but there were glimpses of that for sure! So, today, when I "struggled" a little more, I got frustrated and all "Why me, God?!". But as I'm writing this, I do realize that my struggle was not really all that much of a struggle, just an inconvenience. I like to think of it as God reminding me that He's still God and I am not! Not that He causes me to struggle at all, but He allows me to struggle so that I remember who grants me the awesome days and helps me through the not-so-awesome days. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm nearer to God in my struggles than I can be when I'm happy-go-lucky because I'm in constant communication with Him.

I have a follow-up neurology appointment scheduled for March 8. I haven't done any adjusting to the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device as I've been walking well. I can always go up or down, but for the time being, I'll remain on the level that I'm on right now.

I think that's it for this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you for coming back week after week to read updates. Thank you for praying and for all the encouragement. I know I don't say thank you enough. I'm starting 2018 as I ended 2017: feeling incredibly, undeservedly, blessed.

May God bless each and every person reading this post. Always remember: God's Got This!