One of my Facebook friends posted the above quote and it's exactly where I'm at right now, so I had to share it. This past week wasn’t what I was expecting, but maybe that’s the reason God allowed it to play out like it did. My successes weren’t final. My failures weren’t fatal and God’s given me just the right amount of courage to continue on. Thank you, Winston Churchill for saying that – it perfectly describes what I'm going through!
It’s officially been Fall for a little over a month now, but (at least here in Knoxville) it hasn’t felt like Fall until this past Thursday into Friday. Knoxville dropped 29 degrees in 24 hours.
What happens in Fall, you ask? Well, apparently, I fall. Literally. Yes, that’s right, my streak of no falling ended in fine form on Thursday with my first fall of Fall. The irony is not lost on me.
I was already having a rough morning before the fall as I woke up with a massively bloody nose. So, I had that going for me. I got to work fine and I got in to work fine…it was just on my way to my desk that I let my guard down for one tiny second and the next thing I knew I was on my knees. I was wearing a dress and was loaded down with my laptop, purse and lunch. I landed hard, but just as fast as I went down, I got back up again. Someone came out of their office and asked if I was OK. I assured her I was. Thankfully no one saw me. ;) I got to my desk and then realized, my knees were bleeding. All this before 8am. Welcome, fall-like weather!!
I thought maybe falling would actually loosen me up some (I’m weird like that), but Thursday turned out not to be the best walking day. I made it the rest of the day without falling again, but walking was definitely a struggle. At the end of the day my sweet, sweet co-worker, Debbie offered to walk out to my car with me. I didn’t object. I didn’t want to ask, but since she offered, I accepted. I was and am extremely grateful for her. She was the “just enough” distraction to get me to walk on my own (with the cane, but not needing to hold on to her or a walker or anything else) to my car without falling, tripping or slipping. I literally almost started crying because of how sweet not only she is but how sweet my entire department is towards me. I know if I asked any last one of them to help me, they would do it. They have done it. I could not be more blessed to work with the group of people that I work with. I really don’t deserve them. Thursday was a tough day, but then again was it, really? I think it was more a tough few minutes than an entirely tough day.
Friday morning I woke up and wrestled with the idea of turning the electricity up in my deep brain stimulation device. By the time I was done with my shower and after praying about it, I made the decision to do just that. Only by .10 to 3.80 volts, but UP nonetheless.
It gave me enough confidence to walk into work with minimal issues. Debbie asked if I needed/wanted her to walk out with me to my car again that day. I said no, but she must have sensed the hesitation in my voice or recognized something in me, because almost inconspicuously, she headed toward the elevator and pushed the down button. I told her again, I’d be fine, but she insisted and I think she could tell that I did really want her to walk with me. According to Debbie, I did walk better that day then on Thursday, but she knew I’d be much less stressed if she walked with me. So she did, without anything for me to show her how much I appreciated her other than a hug and a “thank you”. After I left work on Friday I did feel like I could make it around the grocery store for a few items I needed. I held on tight to a cart, but survived with no falls, slips or trips.
I slept in on Saturday. I think my body needed the rest. Sometimes, I feel like I expend more energy and burn more calories, walking to my car then I do when I actually exercise. (I know this isn’t true, but it feels like it). I did get out of the house though on Saturday and I early voted.
Sunday, I woke up and wrestled some more with the idea of turning the electricity in my DBS device up even more. In the end, I did just that. Again - only by .10 volts. I was now up to 3.90 volts.
Sometimes the brain just needs a jolt of electricity. I kept going back to what the DBS nurse said about the brain getting complacent sometimes.
Monday, I made it in to work OK. I didn’t fall, but it wasn’t as easy as it’s been in the past. When I really sit back and think about this whole thing, it makes me laugh. It really does. I mean, walking should be one of the easiest things to do in life. But it’s not for me. I can’t force myself to just walk fine. Believe me, I’ve tried! I can’t just put mind over matter. I’ve tried that too. It’s frustrating and fascinating at the same time. Monday night, Debbie asked if I needed help out to my car. This time I told her I could do it. There may have still been some hesitation in my voice, but I HAD to try it by myself or I’d never do it. As I was walking towards the elevator, I heard someone behind me, so I stopped and told him that he could pass me because it was going to take me “forever”. He laughed and as he passed by he said “but you’re doing good!” Confidence boosting. So I tried and I succeeded and God gave me just the right amount of courage and confidence to do it. It wasn’t “perfect", but I didn’t fall. I didn’t slip. I didn’t trip. So, in my book, in this chapter, that was “perfect” enough for me.
Today, I turned the device up more. I’m now at 4.00 volts.
We’ll see what happens. I didn’t trip, slip or fall, so I’m calling today a success. God is teaching me courage and patience ad confidence and trust and about a million other things!! I'm a slow leaner, but it's catching on.
On a lighter note: I found my "doctor's excuse" for never having to go skydiving. But I can't go scuba diving either and that actually sounds interesting to me now. Go figure! Oh well. At least it doesn't have parasailing, zip lining, riding in a helicopter or ice skating on the list!
This past week has been one of the tougher ones, but not the worst one. It’s given me many, many points on which to learn from and grow from. As always…God’s Got This!
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