I’ve been told that planks are going to make me stronger. They’re either going to do that or kill me, I haven’t figured out which one yet. I thought yoga was supposed to be relaxing! My yoga instructor has been giving me strengthening workouts and poses and believe me, they are not relaxing. I had a yoga session with her tonight and it was humbling. There may be no crying in baseball, but tonight I may or may not have shed a tear or two in yoga. I get frustrated with myself. I know “Rome wasn’t built in a day”, but sometimes I can’t even get the simplest of moves down. HOWEVER, I have the best instructor. She is so encouraging. I get frustrated at myself, but she never gets frustrated at me. She modifies things for me. But most of all, she’s encouraging. I love a challenge, but I also get easily frustrated. I want to work hard. I want to learn the poses. I want to get stronger. Meryl is the person helping me get there. I could simply quit when things get tough, but I don’t, because I’m not doing this for anyone but myself. It’s hard – harder than I ever thought it would be, but isn’t that the point? If everything was easy in life, life wouldn’t be as beautiful as it is when you conquer something. As an example: When I first started yoga, I couldn’t do the “warrior pose” at all. To be honest, sometimes I still can’t do it, but this morning, I held the pose (balancing on my right leg) for 3 minutes. THREE MINUTES!!!!!!!!! OK, I know that’s not long for some people, but for me it’s huge. To bring it back to reality though, standing on my left leg, well – I wasn’t so successful, but I’ll get there. Practice makes perfect, right?! So, while I got frustrated and disappointed and was humbled by tonight’s session, I know that with practice, I can get better. Meryl told me something else tonight that I simply adore: Do the best you can for YOU. It may have to be modified or tweaked, but who cares? Do the very best YOU can do and don’t compare yourself to others.
To be honest, this past week was emotional all the way around for me. I think I burnt both ends of the candle by just going, going, going. March 21 marked what would have been my stillborn baby sister, Stacia’s 28th birthday. That day and the days surrounding it tend to be very emotional for me. I’m the crier in the family. I accept that. I can cry at the drop of a hat (which is probably why I cried in yoga!). When Stacia died, I was just 3 months shy of turning 10. If you don’t think a 10 year old can remember/process what happened or be affected by what happened for the rest of her life, well, just ask me. Little did I know back then how much Stacia’s death would affect me, but sitting here typing this post as a 37-year-old, I can tell you it did in major ways. Stacia was nine pounds of perfect that God decided to take home. I remember the day she was stillborn. I remember her funeral. I remember she looked like a porcelain baby doll. All this to say, that every year March 21 still brings tears to my eyes and a longing for what could have been. However, God’s plan is always perfect, so I trust Him. And, like I always say, without Stacia there would have been no Steven (my brother who was born the following year in May) and he keeps our family laughing constantly. So this year, I once again survived March 21 and I thank God for His perfect plan. The week, other than being emotional, was pretty good. I had some good walking days and days where I struggled a little more, but all-in-all, it was good. There were moments that I walked excellently and then there were moments that brought me back to reality – ha!
By last Saturday, I was worn out. So much so that I slept most of the day. I did get up to eat and I did work-out and do yoga, but that was only to make me feel like I did something productive - ha! The rest of the day was spent sleeping and friending people on Facebook (just being honest!). Last week was long. Physically and emotionally, I was drained, so I was very thankful for a day of rest.
Sunday, as I was walking in to church, some of my friends, Carol and Cheryl, were walking out. Carol offered to help me in the rest of way and I let her. I had just turned down an offer of help, but when Carol asked, I decided the extra help would be great. Walking back to my car after church, I tripped a little but another friend, Carrie, was there to come beside me and walk with me. I love those who don’t think it an inconvenience and just come up beside me to help when they sense I may need it. Thank you, God for these people. Sometimes (although not in this case), it’s people I’d least expect and it makes me thankful.
As I was perusing Facebook this morning, I saw an article that explained exactly why I was (and still am) gung-ho about (potentially) writing a book: it was because I was at the beach a couple of weeks ago!! There was an article titled, “Neuroscientists Strongly Recommend That You Visit The Beach Regularly. Here’s Why”. Here are the 4 points (number 2 is my reasoning behind thinking of writing a book) they shared:
1) Going to the beach reduces stress
2) The beach boosts your creativity
3) Going to the beach can help reduce feelings of depression
4) Overall, spending time at the beach will change your perspective on life
Whether any of the above is true or not, it makes sense to me! I love, love, love the beach.
In closing, I’ll be brutally honest and say that I tend to think of myself as neither physically, mentally or spiritually strong, but my thoughts on myself are changing. They are SLOWLY changing, but they are changing. I’m seeing strength in my life where I least expected. I’m finding that things I thought I couldn’t do, I can do and I’m growing. I’m a work in progress (as we all are). I’m learning to love people more and judge less. I’m learning that with Jesus, I have everything. I’m still growing and learning, falling and getting back up again, crying tears of frustration and crying tears of joy, learning my limitations and reveling in my greatest accomplishments. I’m by no means the expert on anything in life but I do know this: God’s Got This!
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: March 20, 2018
Happy first day of spring – yay! Although, if you live in East Tennessee like I do, winter is expected to rear its ugly head again tonight and tomorrow. Oh, well, this too shall pass – ha!
Speaking of spring, I’ve had a little extra spring in my step this past week because I was on VACATION at the BEACH!!!! We went to Inlet Beach, FL. It's in the panhandle near Rosemary Beach and about 40 minutes from Destin.
The beach truly is my happy place and I haven’t been in a few years.
It’s just what the doctor ordered (so to speak, no doctor actually ordered it - ha!). I’ve never been to the beach “off-season”. It was chilly, but it was still the beach with sand, sea and sun. Sometimes we just need to be “unplugged” to get charged again, right?
As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I can walk free and easy on sand. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain it. The doctors can’t explain it. It’s just me being uniquely me. I tried running on the sand and ended up falling, so maybe I can’t do that, or maybe it was a fluke, but after that I stuck to walking. :) The difference in my walking this time on sand was I could also walk on the hard sand with ease. The last time I was at the beach, that proved hard to do. This time, it was no sweat!
Every day, my dad and I took a walk on the beach. It was soul refreshing. I love the beach. I love walking. It was a good week. I didn’t work out or do yoga, I just walked and it was fabulous. I must admit though that I realized how slow I am when I walk on solid ground. Each day, Dad would be the last off the beach because he was carrying two huge lounge chairs. But no matter what, I was the last to arrive back at our rental. He was just faster, even with things to weigh him down. It’s OK though, because I’m still walking without a walker or a cane. I don’t mind being slow. OK, that’s not entirely true, but the point is, I still get from A to B without a walker or cane. ;)
While at the beach, I brought several books to read. What made me laugh was when I realized that every single one of them had a medical slant to them in some way. I guess my love for medicine goes beyond just watching medical shows; it now extends to reading. I'm currently reading "Last Night in the OR" by Dr. Bud Shaw. But I also have, "Ghost Boy" by Martin Pistorius, "Trauma Room Two" by Philip Allen Green, MD and "Do No Harm" by Henry Marsh. See, I wasn't kidding! All these books have me thinking again about writing my own book. ;) Would anyone buy it and read it though? I'm not all that eloquent (as you can tell if you've been following along for any length of time). It would be a huge leap of faith on my part. We'll see. I agonize over what to put in these posts every week and these are just posts! I try to be funny sometimes, but other times, the creative writing juices just don't flow like I want them to. I’m a perfectionist, so I want everything to be perfect, of course! I'll just have to pray about it and see where the Lord leads.
Tonight, I had yoga and it was wonderful. I was pushed hard again and I loved it. I didn’t think I’d love yoga this much, but I really, really do!
I think that’s all I've got for this week. It's been a very relaxing, soul-rejuvenating one for me. I'm so very thankful that spring is here and the sun is out longer! I hope everyone reading this has a very blessed week ahead and always remember…God’s Got This!
Speaking of spring, I’ve had a little extra spring in my step this past week because I was on VACATION at the BEACH!!!! We went to Inlet Beach, FL. It's in the panhandle near Rosemary Beach and about 40 minutes from Destin.
The beach truly is my happy place and I haven’t been in a few years.
It’s just what the doctor ordered (so to speak, no doctor actually ordered it - ha!). I’ve never been to the beach “off-season”. It was chilly, but it was still the beach with sand, sea and sun. Sometimes we just need to be “unplugged” to get charged again, right?
As I’ve mentioned on this blog before, I can walk free and easy on sand. Don’t ask me why. I can’t explain it. The doctors can’t explain it. It’s just me being uniquely me. I tried running on the sand and ended up falling, so maybe I can’t do that, or maybe it was a fluke, but after that I stuck to walking. :) The difference in my walking this time on sand was I could also walk on the hard sand with ease. The last time I was at the beach, that proved hard to do. This time, it was no sweat!
Every day, my dad and I took a walk on the beach. It was soul refreshing. I love the beach. I love walking. It was a good week. I didn’t work out or do yoga, I just walked and it was fabulous. I must admit though that I realized how slow I am when I walk on solid ground. Each day, Dad would be the last off the beach because he was carrying two huge lounge chairs. But no matter what, I was the last to arrive back at our rental. He was just faster, even with things to weigh him down. It’s OK though, because I’m still walking without a walker or a cane. I don’t mind being slow. OK, that’s not entirely true, but the point is, I still get from A to B without a walker or cane. ;)
While at the beach, I brought several books to read. What made me laugh was when I realized that every single one of them had a medical slant to them in some way. I guess my love for medicine goes beyond just watching medical shows; it now extends to reading. I'm currently reading "Last Night in the OR" by Dr. Bud Shaw. But I also have, "Ghost Boy" by Martin Pistorius, "Trauma Room Two" by Philip Allen Green, MD and "Do No Harm" by Henry Marsh. See, I wasn't kidding! All these books have me thinking again about writing my own book. ;) Would anyone buy it and read it though? I'm not all that eloquent (as you can tell if you've been following along for any length of time). It would be a huge leap of faith on my part. We'll see. I agonize over what to put in these posts every week and these are just posts! I try to be funny sometimes, but other times, the creative writing juices just don't flow like I want them to. I’m a perfectionist, so I want everything to be perfect, of course! I'll just have to pray about it and see where the Lord leads.
Tonight, I had yoga and it was wonderful. I was pushed hard again and I loved it. I didn’t think I’d love yoga this much, but I really, really do!
I think that’s all I've got for this week. It's been a very relaxing, soul-rejuvenating one for me. I'm so very thankful that spring is here and the sun is out longer! I hope everyone reading this has a very blessed week ahead and always remember…God’s Got This!
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday (but on a Thursday): March 8, 2018 Doctor's Update
I saw the above statement on Facebook today and it struck me as SO TRUE and so relevant for my life!
Whew!! I always feel so much better AFTER a doctor's appointment. I tend to worry about everything. I know this wrong, but I'm just being honest. When it comes to doctor's appointments, I'm always afraid I haven't done something "right" or that I haven't given my all to get better. So, I worry. There's a reason I put, "God's Got This" in every blog post - it's to remind MYSELF that He does have everything. Just like in most things in my life, I need not have worried about ANYTHING that I was worried about regarding today's neurology appointment. God is good! This isn't "the end of the road".
I got to the appointment and didn't trip, slip or fall getting in. :) As I was waiting in the exam room, I noticed that there was this pee jar (OK, specimen jar) on the table. I found it amusing, so I had to know what it was. I looked at it and it had DBS with some other letters written on the top. It was full. Pee? Water? Inquiring minds want to know!! I'll get back to this later.
Dr. Tolleson was awesome as usual. I am so very, very, very thankful that God led me to him. Looking back, to see how God orchestrated every move in getting me to Dr. T. is truly amazing. I am blessed!
Anyway, he walked in and asked: good, bad, OK? I chose OK. He TOTALLY gets that I'm frustrated. But it's not all bad. I mean, seriously two years ago, I couldn't walk without a walker, much less a cane and today I'm walking without either. I see God's hand in all of this. I really, really do - even in the hard times!
Dr. Tolleson wasn't mad or disappointed that I didn't change the settings in my DBS device. I told him that it took about a month and half after I saw him at the beginning of November and it was gradual, but all of the sudden I started walking really well. And then 2-3 weeks ago, I started not walking as great. I told him by that time, I thought it too late to make any drastic changes since I was coming to see him. He mentioned that the brain can get used to the setting it's on. He checked all my settings and said they all looked good. I always feel like I'm going in for a tune-up. Haha. I guess that's what it is really. I get hooked up to a BIG remote and Dr. Tolleson fiddles with all the settings on it. It doesn't hurt, but there is some "pulling". It kind of aches at the site of the battery. He warned me that I may feel a shock. Thankfully, I didn't/don't. I only (and every time in the past as well) just feel achy and some pulling. He mentioned that my internal battery (the one that's implanted in me under my collar bone) is starting to get a little low, but nothing to be concerned about yet. When the time comes, it'll be minor surgery to replace it. The battery typically lasts about 5 years.
He had me walk, which ya'll know is my absolute FAVORITE part of the appointment. For those that are new to this blog, that last sentence was said with major sarcasm, as it's actually the worst part of the appointment for me. Coming in a second close as the worst part would be getting weighed - I don't like that part either! Anyway, I walked for him and he noticed that I'm still walking on the outside of my foot. I walked down the hall for him and back again. When I got to him, I asked if he wanted me to keep walking and he said I didn't have to - yay! He got all he needed. He said that the foot surgery I had last year did set me back. He didn't say I shouldn't have had it (in fact he said it was necessary when I had called him to ask if I should have it in the first place). It was just a little setback. So, I'm back on track now.
I spoke with him about a few issues that I had been having. I wasn't sure if they were related to the DBS or the electricity. He calmed and eased my worries about each issue.
He commended me on figuring out by myself that the batteries needed to be replaced in my DBS remote. He said he gets the most calls about there being something wrong with a patient's remote and the only thing wrong with it is that it needs the battery changed!
I told Dr. Tolleson that I only fell once since last seeing him and he was happy about that. I also told him that I wish he could see when I walk really well. To that he said, if I needed him, to call and he would get me in to see him. I told him that I didn't need to see him necessarily, but I would like it if he could see me walking well. :) One of these days, he will and when that day happens, it'll be monumental!
Here's the plan we came up with. I'm in Group A right now and he left me there, but increased the electricity that I'm getting in that group. I was at 3.00 volts and now I'm at 3.20. He wants me to give it about a month. If I'm not happy or pleased with it, I can increase the electricity one or two notches. If I'm still not seeing results, I can change to Group D. Group D will allow me to oscillate between settings. This is where he brought up the fact that the brain can get used to the setting it's on/with the electricity it's being given and the electricity just stops being effective. That's why oscillating the electricity can help. And after trying that, if I'm still not seeing results, he told me to call him. ;) I'm seeing him again in four months which will be July.
I couldn't let Dr. Tolleson go without asking him about the pee (specimen) jar. He started with, "It's not mine!" which made me laugh. Then he explained that it helps to show tremors. If a patient holds it in his/her hand, a tremor can be seen. And it was filled with water, not pee. ;) So, my inquiring mind was satisfied.
Again, God answered all my prayers. There are more options. There's HOPE. I can still improve from where I am now. I told Dr. Tolleson that I remembered telling him before the surgery that if I could walk with just a cane, I'd be over the moon happy. He smiled and looked at me and said, "we always want more, don't we?' I laughed. Yes, I always want more. He knows I get frustrated. He knows that I think I should be farther along then I am. But, he takes it in stride and he's always encouraging. I had to laugh though as he somewhat tripped getting up to leave. I told him he wasn't allowed to trip, that's my job. ;)
Today was good. God DOES have this! I keep wanting to snatch the reigns out of His hands sometimes, but He holds firmly to them and doesn't allow me to get in my own way, for which I am so thankful. Thank you for all the prayers and for all the encouragement.
Since I've written two blog posts this week, I'm going to skip my normal Tuesday update next week (because really, who wants to hear from me that much?!), but will be back again the following week. Thank you again for reading, for encouraging, for praying and for all your love! Have a blessed day and week and always remember, God's Got This!
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: March 6, 2018
I find that when I’m least expecting it, God shows up to cheer me up! That’s what just happened. I’ll admit that I’m in a melancholy mood today. It’s been 2 years since I had deep brain stimulation surgery. 2 years. In some ways, I can’t believe it’s only been 2 years and in other ways, I know it’s been 2 years, if you get my drift. Haha. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself – that I’m not farther along than I want to be or thought I would be at this point, but then God reminded me of what I said to the neurosurgeon and my neurologist: if I could just walk with a cane, I’d be happy. I don’t walk with anything now. Yes, maybe I should, at times, but I’m stubborn and I don’t, so I DON’T WALK WITH A WALKER OR CANE. And I told the doctors I’d be over the moon if I could just get around with a cane. PERSPECTIVE, people…it’s all about perspective!
I say that and yet I worry what Dr. Tolleson (my neurologist) will say when I see him on Thursday. Will he be mad that I didn’t “play” with the different settings? (I didn’t change the settings because they worked, but recently I’ve been having more problems). Will he be disappointed in my progress (or lack there of)? Will this be the end of the road (meaning he won’t have anything else for me to try)? We are both perfectionists. I want to walk perfectly. I don’t want to settle. I’ve seen a glimpses of perfect, so I know I can do it. I get frustrated when I can’t do it all the time. Another doctor asked me this week if I was prepared for it to be more of an ebb and flow process? I guess I could get used to that, but I'd rather it just be an "I can walk with no problems" process. ;) I sound like I’m whining, don’t I? Nobody likes to hear (or read as the case may be) whining, so I’ll quit. It’s just that I do want you to know that I do get down and I do get frustrated and sometimes I have pity parties for myself!
All that said, I had a good week. I didn’t fall. Last Tuesday, I became semi-famous (hahaha – not really at all!!) by reminiscing on camera about a taxidermy skunk that I won at a company holiday party back in 2015. Thirty seconds before I won the skunk, I turned to my co-worker Justin and promised that if I won it, I would give it to him. So, that’s exactly what I did. He wanted it so bad and really, what was I going to do with a taxidermy skunk?! Justin named him Slater.
Last Thursday, Mom and I went to see Miranda Lambert in concert. It was a blast! I’m blessed to have a mom who wants to do these things with me! Also, navigating concert venues without a walker or cane is SO much easier. Although, to be honest, I held on to Mom's arm the entire time (walking in and out), so I could 1) Walk faster and 2) not fall. I could do it without holding on to her, it would just take a LOT longer. ;)
I also got to wear my new socks that I got at my friend Kristen’s store:
On Saturday, I sat at Mom’s Parade of Tables table at church along with my sisters-in-law.
On Sunday, I needed help getting in to church, but I knew I needed help and I accepted it from a friend, thankful she was there to help me out! Also on Sunday, my niece, Baby (haha, she’ll be 2 on April 11, I don’t why I still think of her as “baby”) Hope sat on my lap the entire length of the church service and she walked with me up to Communion. Just holding her hand allowed me to be completely able to walk without issue. Amazing how the touch of a hand can allow that in me!
Today, as I was feeling frustrated with my walking, my sweet co-workers cheered me on. Seriously, everywhere I need it, God sends his angles to help. My co-workers are gems. They encourage me so much and remind me of where I was and where I am now. My friends at church do the same, as do all my friends. Sometimes, I only see the struggle, but am so encouraged by others who see that I’m only focusing on that and try to get me to see what has improved. I am most certainly blessed.
I don’t know why I had to do this at 11pm last night, but the thought came to mind that maybe I should check my remote control to the deep brain stimulation device. Maybe it accidentally got turned off. Again, why I couldn’t have checked this early in the day, is beyond me. I got it out and turned it on and got this message:
I had to find the manual and figure out what that meant. Turns out, the batteries were dead and needed to be changed.
It’s only the batteries to the remote, meaning the stimulator is still on and working, I just wouldn’t have been able to do any programming with the remote. After a change of batteries, the remote worked perfectly.
I’m excited, yet anxious about my neurology appointment on Thursday. I just don’t want to be at the “we’ve done all we can” part. I want to keep getting better. I’ve come this far. I know deep down in my heart that God’s God This. I need to keep reminding myself of it.
Thank you, again for continuing to follow along on this journey with me and for enduring my whining. Writing is cathartic. I’m an introvert, so writing allows me to get all my feelings out. You can choose to either read or not read this blog and I’ll never know!! Haha. But if you’ve read this far, I commend you. And I thank you. You are a blessing to me.
No matter how frustrated or melancholy I may get, I always, always, always know that God’s Got This! And as long as He’s with me on this journey, I’ll be alright.
I say that and yet I worry what Dr. Tolleson (my neurologist) will say when I see him on Thursday. Will he be mad that I didn’t “play” with the different settings? (I didn’t change the settings because they worked, but recently I’ve been having more problems). Will he be disappointed in my progress (or lack there of)? Will this be the end of the road (meaning he won’t have anything else for me to try)? We are both perfectionists. I want to walk perfectly. I don’t want to settle. I’ve seen a glimpses of perfect, so I know I can do it. I get frustrated when I can’t do it all the time. Another doctor asked me this week if I was prepared for it to be more of an ebb and flow process? I guess I could get used to that, but I'd rather it just be an "I can walk with no problems" process. ;) I sound like I’m whining, don’t I? Nobody likes to hear (or read as the case may be) whining, so I’ll quit. It’s just that I do want you to know that I do get down and I do get frustrated and sometimes I have pity parties for myself!
All that said, I had a good week. I didn’t fall. Last Tuesday, I became semi-famous (hahaha – not really at all!!) by reminiscing on camera about a taxidermy skunk that I won at a company holiday party back in 2015. Thirty seconds before I won the skunk, I turned to my co-worker Justin and promised that if I won it, I would give it to him. So, that’s exactly what I did. He wanted it so bad and really, what was I going to do with a taxidermy skunk?! Justin named him Slater.
Last Thursday, Mom and I went to see Miranda Lambert in concert. It was a blast! I’m blessed to have a mom who wants to do these things with me! Also, navigating concert venues without a walker or cane is SO much easier. Although, to be honest, I held on to Mom's arm the entire time (walking in and out), so I could 1) Walk faster and 2) not fall. I could do it without holding on to her, it would just take a LOT longer. ;)
I also got to wear my new socks that I got at my friend Kristen’s store:
On Saturday, I sat at Mom’s Parade of Tables table at church along with my sisters-in-law.
On Sunday, I needed help getting in to church, but I knew I needed help and I accepted it from a friend, thankful she was there to help me out! Also on Sunday, my niece, Baby (haha, she’ll be 2 on April 11, I don’t why I still think of her as “baby”) Hope sat on my lap the entire length of the church service and she walked with me up to Communion. Just holding her hand allowed me to be completely able to walk without issue. Amazing how the touch of a hand can allow that in me!
Today, as I was feeling frustrated with my walking, my sweet co-workers cheered me on. Seriously, everywhere I need it, God sends his angles to help. My co-workers are gems. They encourage me so much and remind me of where I was and where I am now. My friends at church do the same, as do all my friends. Sometimes, I only see the struggle, but am so encouraged by others who see that I’m only focusing on that and try to get me to see what has improved. I am most certainly blessed.
I don’t know why I had to do this at 11pm last night, but the thought came to mind that maybe I should check my remote control to the deep brain stimulation device. Maybe it accidentally got turned off. Again, why I couldn’t have checked this early in the day, is beyond me. I got it out and turned it on and got this message:
I had to find the manual and figure out what that meant. Turns out, the batteries were dead and needed to be changed.
It’s only the batteries to the remote, meaning the stimulator is still on and working, I just wouldn’t have been able to do any programming with the remote. After a change of batteries, the remote worked perfectly.
I’m excited, yet anxious about my neurology appointment on Thursday. I just don’t want to be at the “we’ve done all we can” part. I want to keep getting better. I’ve come this far. I know deep down in my heart that God’s God This. I need to keep reminding myself of it.
Thank you, again for continuing to follow along on this journey with me and for enduring my whining. Writing is cathartic. I’m an introvert, so writing allows me to get all my feelings out. You can choose to either read or not read this blog and I’ll never know!! Haha. But if you’ve read this far, I commend you. And I thank you. You are a blessing to me.
No matter how frustrated or melancholy I may get, I always, always, always know that God’s Got This! And as long as He’s with me on this journey, I’ll be alright.
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