Happy New Year! 2017 is here!!
Today started at 3:30 am for me. This was NOT on purpose. I think I was up that early because I was anxious/fearful/nervous about a neurology appointment I had at 11 am. I didn’t think I was that nervous, but what other reason could I have been WIDE AWAKE at that hour for?! I thought long and hard about getting out of bed and starting this post, but eventually, I thought my way out of doing that. Haha. ;) I tried to go back to sleep, but sleep didn’t come. I listened to the rain. I got on Facebook for a little bit. I prayed. I prayed for others. I prayed for myself and by 4:55 am, I decided to get up. I exercised. I got a shower. I worked on my fine motor skills by untangling a necklace I wanted to wear and then I went to work.
I got to work at 7:30 am – an hour before I needed to, but it ended up being great. I got lots of stuff done, plus I made up the time I’d miss when I went to see the neurologist.
I posted a Bible verse on Facebook last night: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 I posted it mainly for my sake. I needed it on repeat in my head.
For a couple of days now I’ve been really battling thoughts that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, loveable enough, worthy enough. I’m just not enough. I love the Lord. I do, but I also struggle with fear and doubt and anxiety. It’s not something I'm proud of or that I love to talk about, but I have my own demons. It’s in these moments of self-doubt though that God meets me. I need not be afraid. I’ve said all along that God’s Got This and He does…I just need to be reminded of it every once in a while.
All logic said I should not have been anxious about seeing Dr. LeForce. I wasn’t having brain surgery today. I’m not scared of him (and just to remind you, he’s my Knoxville (local) neurologist). However, I was scared that I wasn’t going to be “good enough”. I was scared that he was going to tell me that I should be walking better, that I should have made more progress. I SO wanted to walk in there with NO walker (which I did) and NO cane (which I didn’t). It’s been 9 months (on Dec 29) since I’ve had the device activated. Should I be pushing myself more? Am I on the right level of electricity? Am I holding myself back somehow? Am I where I’m supposed to be? My perfectionistic frame of mind screamed that I wanted to be able to show him COMPLETE success. But as I prayed last night, “Not my will, but yours be done, Lord.” And so, it was. I had to use my cane. Not my will, but His be done. But guess what? I didn’t have to use the walker. I didn’t fall. I didn’t trip. I didn’t slip. God had me in the palm of his hand and NONE of my fears came to fruition. Not a single one of them.
My appointment with Dr. LeForce turned out to be quite lovely. He put me right at ease. He again reminded me that this journey is a process and I don’t have Parkinson’s or a tremor in which deep brain stimulation works immediately. Dystonia and electricity take time. It’s gradual. But my brain says, "it's been 9 months!!!" My appointment turned into more of a therapy session for me. ;) Dr. LeForce let me talk and for once, I actually did talk and talk and talk. I can talk, but for whatever reason, I tend to clam up in front of doctors. But not today. Today, I talked. Dr. LeForce was probably glad when I left! I told him EVERYTHING. My doubts, my fears, even that sometimes my head feels heavy (like the feeling you get if you’re wearing a headband or a hat and then you take it off…it still feels like it’s there for a few minutes) and I have to remind myself that there is extra equipment in there now. ;) I told him how often I’ve been turning up the electricity in the device and that sometimes I feel somewhat lost in the sense that I don’t know if I’m doing things correctly, even though I have all the information. I told him that I doubt myself. I told him of my fears of walking in front of other people (to which he said, I just have to do it…practice, practice, practice). I told him of my fears that I’ll get to the highest level of electricity and still not be able to walk without a cane. He let me get it all out. ;) And then, ever so gently, he reminded me that I walked into his office walker-free. To which, all my fears and anxieties and doubts melted away. I’m making progress. Slowly but surely, I’m making progress.
I thanked him over and over and over again for suggesting deep brain stimulation to me and for championing it when I decided I wanted to do it and for referring me to Vanderbilt. I told him that for all my fears/worries/anxieties, I am STILL so very, very, very thankful that I had the surgery. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I am exceedingly happy with my progress (even though I want more). I told him about this blog and that it helps me to remember from where I came from. I’ll admit wholeheartedly that I’m a perfectionist who sees things black and white. I want instant results and have absolutely no patience. And even with all of that going against me, God is still merciful. He is still good. I can HONESTLY say that if this is as good as it gets, if I don't improve any more, I'm OK. However, that doesn't mean, I'm going to quit asking to be healed and to be able to walk both walker AND cane free. ;)
As for turning the electricity up in my device – I couldn’t wait until today. Last Friday, I turned it up to 3.20 volts. I thought that I was going to leave it alone today, but at the last second, I turned it up to 3.30 volts. I told Dr. LeForce all of this and he once again reminded me that I wasn’t going to see immediate results. It could take a week or two or longer. So, I wait. Again. I’m OK/not OK with this. ;) I want immediate results and yet I have to admit that it's in the waiting where I’m growing. My faith in God grows in the in-between times. So, I’m once again conflicted – do I want to be healed immediately? You betcha! But would I trade instant healing for all the things I’m learning in the “in-between” times? Not for a second! So with that, I’ll close with “Not my will but yours be done, Lord, for I know You’ve Got This!"
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