This past week was good. My walking was perfectly imperfect - not the best I've walked, but nowhere near the worst either. ;) I am trying very hard to see that even when I have a hard time walking, it shouldn’t affect my whole hour, my whole day or my whole week. I say this like I fell or walking was horrible, but I didn't fall and my walking wasn't horrible. I guess I say it to prove to myself that I am growing in this journey (even if it's baby steps!). Where once a fall or a disastrous walking situation left me down and out for the rest of the day or week, now I’m a little more able to just brush it off and keep going. I haven’t mastered this art completely, so I’m sure there will be times when a fall ruins my whole day, but I’m trying very hard to see the positive in each and every situation. After all, I've been given a gift (deep brain stimulation), so I should act like I've been given a gift!
Today, I turned the electricity up in my deep brain stimulation device. I lasted 2 weeks on the previous setting and decided this week that it was time to turn it up again. I only turned it up by .10. I’m at 3.40 volts on Frequency C.
Well...I should say I WAS at 3.40 volts. For the entire work day, I was at that level, but tonight, out of left field, came this thought: "Turn it ALL the way up." Seriously, this came out of left field. God has a way of doing things like that to me! I had no intentions of turning it all the way up this week. Absolutely NO INTENTIONS. But just like that, I felt God saying, "Just trust me and turn it up all the way." The reason? I realized that I see Dr. Tolleson in Nashville at Vanderbilt in 2 WEEKS on January 31. Seriously - only 2 weeks!! Where did the time go?!!
When I got home from work this evening, I turned the electricity in my device ALL the way up. It only goes up to 3.60 volts, so don’t worry, I didn’t make a HUGE jump. My hope and prayer is that this level will work and that in 2 weeks I will have adjusted enough to it that I’ll be able to walk WITHOUT a cane. I know. Big Stuff. Big Asks. Big Assumptions. Big Dreams. Big Predictions. BIG MIRACLES. My God is KING of BIG. So, who says walking WITHOUT a walker or a cane is impossible?!!
I’m going to try and not get anxious about the appointment. Try being the operative word. ;) I do have a tendency to worry. I know it’s a sin, but it’s one I struggle with daily!! I worry that I’m not doing enough, that this is as good as my walking will ever get, that I’m doing something wrong, that there won’t be any more frequencies left to calibrate or program, that I won’t see the results I want to see, that I'm not where I'm supposed to be in the process. And the list goes on and on and on in my head. And that’s why my life verse is Philippians 4:6:
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Yes, fear and anxiety creep into me all the time, but I’ve got a God who is bigger than my biggest fear. In that I take comfort and rest.
Whether God chooses to allow me to walk without a walker or a cane is up to Him. If He chooses to heal me in so that I am able to walk without a walker or a cane, I won't be able to be quiet about it. I'll shout it from every rooftop, in every situation and to everyone I meet. If I still have to walk with the help of a cane or a walker - because I’m human - I might have a pity party for myself for a MOMENT. But then, I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, stare my situation in the face and declare as loudly as possible: GOD’S GOT THIS!!!
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