Happy Tuesday after Thanksgiving! It being Tuesday, I’ve once again upped the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device by .10. I’m now up to 4.40 volts. This past week made me realize that I’m still not “there” yet in regards to the right amount of electricity. Oh, I didn’t fall, nor did I have any really bad days, but I just know in my heart, I’m not there yet. I can’t really explain it, you’ll just have to trust me.
I do want to share some exciting news: I walked the length of my driveway and back with nothing but my own two legs and feet!! No amount of words can describe my giddiness over this. This is going to sound weird, but I didn’t even realize what I had done until I was halfway down the driveway. I was “distracted” by the fact that I was lining my driveway with Christmas lights. But, halfway down the drive, I realized what I was doing and then promptly stumbled a little, but didn’t fall. I tried walking my driveway again today and I did it - no walker OR cane!! I realize that sometimes I’m my own worst enemy. When I start to think about walking, I stumble. When there's no prompting, no over-analyzing, no overthinking, no expectations, I do it - I walk! Grant it, there are days when not even “not thinking” about it helps – that’s when I know the physical symptoms outweigh psyching myself out. Sometimes mind over matter works but other times the physical symptoms are just too much. As like most things in life, it’s a balancing act.
My toes kept curling under this past week – more than usual. I actually have callouses on my toes where I couldn’t lay them flat (even when really concentrating on doing so) and they rubbed up against my shoe. My left hand has been a little bothersome as well. My knuckles hurt from where I’ve had my hand balled up in a fist. It’s not really noticeable to anyone because thankfully I hold my cane in my left hand and it masks the symptoms. I do a "Dr. House" thing. I'm actually supposed to hold my cane in my right hand since my problematic side is my left side, but, I've found that holding the cane in my left hand works on so many different levels that I don't care that I'm "doing it wrong." My doctors don't seem to mind either, which I'm extremely thankful for. If I used my right hand to hold my cane, I do believe my left hand would be more noticeable. Let me make it clear – I’m not complaining about anything, just merely stating facts. I am in a MUCH, MUCH better place than I was a year ago. I still get overwhelmed with awe at how God has and keeps working in my life.
My mom is an eternal optimist. She is able to find something good in every situation. Unfortunately, I didn’t inherit this quality from her. I’m more the “woe is me” type. But strangely enough through this whole experience, I’m starting to see myself being a little more optimistic. I just re-read what I wrote in that last sentence and it makes no logical sense to me. I should be more pessimistic, because that’s my personality. But, when it comes right down to it, I’m not. God is changing my heart. I WANT to be more optimistic. I WANT people to see what God’s doing in my life. I WANT to be able to find some good in every situation. How can I NOT be anything but optimistic when I have so much to be thankful for, so much to praise God for? More than my walking getting better (and don’t get me wrong, great walking days make me SO happy!!), I’m learning to rely more on God then myself. I’m learning that what’s been handed to me doesn’t make me who I am in my core. Yes, my optimism is growing. My faith is growing. God’s Got This and because of that, I can be joy-filled in my soul.
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