This past week has been wonderful. Not perfect, but so very wonderful. I haven’t fallen. I feel (for the most part!) a lot steadier on my feet. It’s been what I needed. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I may just have “off” days/weeks/months, but in the end God makes everything beautiful again. He may bring me to the brink, but before He lets my foot fall, He pulls me back to safety. If only I remembered this in the moment that I feel like I’m falling off a cliff; that would be icing on the cake! Ha. But, seriously, God is good all the time. It may take me a day or two to realize what He’s done, but I am so, so thankful He gives me the ability to realize it at all!
I am going to say something that I never in a million years thought I’d say. It may be completely shocking to some. I confessed to my mom yesterday that I may, just may, actually, kind-of, a teeny-bit, like my hair the length it is now. For someone who has had long hair most of my life, I’ve completely shocked myself with this revelation. Grant it, I don’t love my hair every day. Who does?! But, it’s growing on me (and no, that wasn’t meant as a pun!). It took a co-worker acquaintance to help me realize this. Last week, she was walking through my row of cubes at work, stopped, turned around and said, “I’m no stylist, but I LOVE your hair. I don’t think you should grow it back out. It was one heck of an ordeal that you had to go through to get it, but I love your hair.” For the past few weeks, dare I even say months, people have been telling me how much they love my hair, but it’s been people that are close to me, whom I love. I thought they were just saying that to be nice. But hearing it from an “outsider” made it hit home. I still have time to change my mind, but as of today, I like the length. I LOVE the curl. I also love how easy it is (at least most mornings). There are terrible, no-good, bad hair days though too. On those days, I’m just grateful to have hair at all.
I turned the deep brain stimulation device up, just one notch to 4.20. I feel like I may be on the cusp of being at the right level, but just not quite there yet. So, I’ll see what 4.20 does. Eventually, I may want to test the waters with level C (I’m on level B now), especially before I go back to Vanderbilt at the end of January, but for now, I’ll leave it on B. The goal: to walk walker AND cane free.
Someone asked me today if the surgeries, the disappointments, the frustrations, the doctor’s appointments, the shaving off of all my hair were all worth it. I didn’t even let her finish her sentence before I blurted out – YES! A million times over yes! I would go through it all again if I had to – it is SO worth it. And this is coming from a perfectionist who is NOT seeing “perfect” results, but results just the same. All of this is so worth it. Last year at this time, the only way for me to get from point A to point B was using a walker. Today, I can use a cane. I never thought I’d be so happy to say I’m using just a cane, but perspectives change!! Here's an example of this: I got to an appointment a few minutes early today. I was kind of glad because I had enough time to use the bathroom before it. But then I remembered that the bathroom there was super small. At first, I thought, “Oh shoot, I can’t use the bathroom here because it’s too small and my walker won’t fit in it.” But then, a HUGE smile came across my face when I realized I wasn’t using, nor had the walker with me. It’s a small thing for most people, but for me, it’s so, so big.
The next “big step” for me will be to actually remove the walker from my car.;) It’s my safety net now. I haven’t used it in months, but it’s a comfort to know it’s there if I need it. I know it’s silly, but it is what it is. Maybe by the end of the year I’ll remove it. Maybe. I’ve learned and am continuing to learn that I have to do things on my own timeline. If I rush it, it won’t work. If I try to fit in to everyone else’s expectations (or what I think are other’s expectations of me), it won’t work. I just have to walk to the beat of my own drum. God’s timing is perfect.
This morning, I quickly got on Facebook for about two minutes and one of those “memories” posts came up. This very day last year, my sweet friend, Kristen drove me to Vanderbilt. I checked into the hospital and prepared for the spinal tap I’d have the next day to see if a Baclofen pump would help me in any way. I was very grateful that it ended up not working. It lead to where I am today and what a difference a year makes. I am so incredibly thankful and blessed. All the tears and frustrations and tests and worries – God worked (and is continuing to work) them all out.
I’ve experienced every emotion possible in this journey and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so, but for right now, I’m rejoicing in happiness. If you know me at all, you know I tend to have more of a worried/melancholy view of life. My immediate reaction to things is to be pessimistic – to always expect the worst. I think in some ways I look at life that way so as to protect myself, to prepare myself for when things go horribly wrong. I use it as a coping mechanism. But the beautiful surprise in this journey has been how God has worked and is continuing to work in my life. This journey overall has brought me more optimism then I ever thought possible. I’m seeing things through a different lens these days. I’m more joyful and content. I'm happier. It takes work to see things more optimistically when my tendency is not to see things that way, but I am seeing changes. I had heard that DBS surgery could change people's personalities for the worst, but never had I heard it changing people’s personalities for the best. In reality, I know it’s not the surgery that’s changed my outlook on life; it’s God that’s changed it. Could it be that the greatest blessing(s) I get out of this whole journey is/are something even greater than being able to walk without assistance?! God’s working on me. I still have a way to go, but GOD’S GOT THIS!!!!
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