Friday – After spending the ENTIRE day writing my last blog post, I ended up turning the electricity down in my deep brain stimulation device. I didn’t turn it down much, but I went from 3.10 volts to 3.00. That night, Mom, Dad and I went to see the WordPlayers perform “Last Train to Nibroc.” Other than walking into the play and out of it, I didn’t get much practice walking that day. One thing I hope I'll never forget is what my dad said to me. I was telling him about the Vanderbilt appointments and what went on. I admitted to him that I’m afraid of falling and that I get performance anxiety when walking. He said to me, “You earned that fear.” I never thought of it like that, but by golly, I have “earned” that fear. ;) Now I have to just get over it!!
Saturday, I chickened out on a couple of things. One – I went to Kroger and couldn’t find a parking spot near a cart, so I just left. I decided to go to Kohl’s. Same thing happened there. I wasn’t brave enough nor confident enough, so I just left. I could have used the walker. I could of – I just desperately didn’t want to. I drove to another Kroger. This time it was a MarketPlace one and I found a handicap parking spot with a cart right next to it. Perfect. I spent almost all afternoon in that store. I decided it was time to “stock up” on things that don’t go bad – laundry detergent, soap, shampoo – that sort of stuff. I had a TON of coupons that I wanted/needed to use before they expired. My shopping haul landed me a 46% savings. I am my mother's child, after all. ;) I forgot to say that while I was getting my neuropsych testing done at Vanderbilt, Mom made it down to our favorite place to eat and got me a raspberry macaroon. I kept it until Saturday when I devoured it and yet at the same time savored every bite of it.
Saturday afternoon, I watched the Tennessee Volunteers vs. the Florida Gators football game. I won’t lie – I snoozed through much of the first half, but was glued to the TV the second half. I was screaming at the TV “RUN” and I’m pretty sure my blood pressure was sky high. I couldn’t believe my eyes – our losing streak against Florida ended in a glorious 38-28 Vols win. It was awesome!!!
Sunday, my bravery returned. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make it into church without having to use the walker – but guess what?! I did make it with only a cane. I didn’t do it alone though. God put people in strategic places to help me along the way – whether they knew they were helping me or not. When I first got out of the car, a couple came up to me and started talking to me. That loosened me up and I wasn’t so anxious. I was walking along when Jim came up beside me and walked with me. Again – easing my nerves and somehow allowing me to walk. We stopped and talked with Mitch, Carrie and Kaitlyn. An older woman came by and said “Oh, you got your hair cut!” I smiled and said, “Actually, no, I’m letting my hair grow! The last time you saw me, I was wearing a wig.” She couldn’t believe I was wearing a wig the last time. I told her that was a great thing because it meant she couldn’t tell it was a wig! I made it inside church without falling, without tripping, without slipping and without a walker. I didn’t have to hold on to anyone or have anyone hold onto me. It was just me, God and the cane. Confidence building!! On the way out of church – the same sort of thing happened, only it was Alex who walked out with me - she to her car and me to mine - and we talked the whole way, thereby distracting me “just enough” to have me walk with the cane without falling, tripping or slipping and without having to hold on to someone or having someone hold on to me. Confidence building. After church, Mom, Aubrey, Baby H, Little G and I went out to eat. Dad had to stay at church for a meeting. I walked into the restaurant and out of it only using the cane. My confidence (but not boastfulness) was climbing. I went to Aldi after lunch and walked in using only the cane. When I walked out and put my groceries in the car, I was pushing the cart back and an older gentleman said he had a quarter and he’d take the cart off my hands and save me some walking. I was thrilled by that. I then went to Kohl’s and this time ya’ll, God and I conquered it! I walked in, just a cane in my hand! I did use a shopping cart around the store, but I walked out and left the cart inside the store – what?!?! That is NOT me! I must admit, I had problems getting to the car. It was slow. It was painful. It was humbling. It was TOTALLY worth it. I was so slow and labored that an older gentleman asked if he could help me to the car. I kindly thanked him and declined. I had second thoughts about that decision. Maybe that was God giving me a lifeline. The gentleman asked several times if he could help me (I must of looked THAT bad!), but each time I declined. Maybe I should of accepted his offer. But then again, I do believe that I made the right decision after all. I’d never been so relieved to get to my car and sit down. But, God and I did it. God kept His promise and I didn’t slip, trip or fall and I kept mine and thanked Him profusely all the way home. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face. It was hard and I wanted to give up and just crawl (yes, that thought has crossed my mind several times in cases like this), but I didn’t and I made it. Thank you, Jesus!
Monday, the forecast was for rain in the afternoon. I knew what I had to do. I had to park in the dreaded parking garage at work – one of my worst nemesis right now. OK, I didn’t have to park in the garage, but I didn’t want to have to walk in the rain. My walking is still SO SLOW that I would have been drenched by the time I got to my car. Plus, I haven’t gotten confident enough to walk with a cane in one hand and an umbrella in the other. I need my “spare” hand to help me balance – haha. So, I parked in the garage and I made it inside with NO issues. Praise Jesus, thank you God!!! At the end of the day, I thought about walking out with my co-worker, Debbie – or if she wasn’t leaving at the same time I was, I thought about asking her just to walk with me. But, at the end of the day, I walked out by myself. I prayed the whole way. My cane was drenched in sweat. I prayed that God would go before me, stand behind me and be beside me. I prayed He would keep me upright and that I wouldn’t trip, slip or fall. And lastly, I prayed that there wouldn’t be a lot of people around or cars coming through. My God is AWESOME. He answered every single one of those cries. To the point that, there wasn’t a car coming through the garage until I was safely almost to my car and completely out of the way of any cars driving by. All I could do was smile and say, “Thank You!!” It wasn’t a pretty walk to the car. It was labored and awkward, but I’ll take that over me being frozen staring into someone’s headlights or falling all over myself. :)
Today, I parked outside and made it in to work with minimal problems. A guy held the door open over me. I thanked him and then realized it was his wife who helped me last week in the parking lot. I asked him what his wife’s name is. He said Anita. Now I know her name. I asked him to tell her what a blessing she was to me. He said that she knows what having a hard time walking looks and feels like. She’s had both of her knees and her hip replaced. I thank the Lord for this chance encounter and for Anita. Walking was pretty good today. I turned my device up by.20 and now I’m at 3.20 volts on Frequency B.
Today, I walked around work and out of work with minimal issues. I had an appointment after work which I walked into and out of with only my cane. I went to Walgreens afterwards to pick up a prescription. Instead of driving through the drive-thru I went in and walked the length of the store with only my cane. I could have used a cart, but I didn’t!! I was/am so excited! I got my prescriptions AND a flu shot and walked back out to my car. I then went to Kroger. I did park by a cart and walk in and out with the cart.
Ya’ll, I have to say – when God gives me the confidence and bravery to try “new” things – I can’t wipe the smile off my face. I feel like these past few days, I’m starting all over again with the electricity. I’m not, really, but it kind of feels like it because I'm adjusting to everything again. But at the end of every day, I marvel – yes, I truly, utterly MARVEL that God allowed (and continues to allow) me to make it from point A to point B. He kept/keeps me upright. He kept/keeps me from falling, tripping or slipping. He's got me in the palm of His hand. I am supremely blessed. To God be all the glory. God's Got This!!
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