Last night I wrote: “This past week has been wonderful. Oh yes, there have been times that weren’t so wonderful, but overall it has been. I’m thanking the Lord for this. While I haven’t walked miraculously cane and walker free, I’ve felt freer than I have in a while. I decided that I would leave the voltage in my deep brain stimulation device alone and not turn it up or down. I only have a week and half to go before I head back to Vanderbilt for my 6 month post-op check-up, so I did debate playing with the voltage again, but in the end decided to leave it. It remains to be seen whether that’s a good or bad decision on my part. ;)"
In all honesty, I thought I’d wake up today and do exactly what I’ve been doing the past week: use the walker to walk into and out of work from the parking lot and then use the cane to get around work. I did leave the voltage at 2.60 on Frequency B. I didn’t change anything in that respect. But this morning God gave me just enough feistiness, just enough braveness, just enough faith, and just enough courage to walk without my walker from the parking lot at work inside to my desk. No walker! There was a moment, after taking a couple of steps that I thought I should turn back and get the walker from the car. But it was a moment – brief. Then the thought crossed my mind, “You’ll never know what you can do if you never try.” And then the song, “Whom Shall I Fear” by Chris Tomlin started rolling around in my head:
“I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side”
I took one step and then another and then another. I was slow and methodical. One of the facilities guys (Lou) was out and he shouted to me and asked if I needed help. I shouted back, nope! When I got closer to him, I thanked him for the offer but explained that I needed to do it on my own to prove to myself I could do it. And I did do it, without falling. God got me safely inside work. I looked back out at the distance I had gone. To most, it is not far at all, but to me, it was like crossing the Red Sea. Thank you, God. We did it. No walker. Just me and God. He allowed me NOT to get “stuck”, NOT to fall, NOT to really even stumble at all. He allowed me NOT to get overwhelmed or consumed by my “you can’t do this” thoughts. He allowed me NOT to psych myself out. He allowed me to walk. It was now or never and the moment was NOW.
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| This gives you a little example of the distance I walked. I'm taking the picture from the door of work and that's my silver Honda Fit. |
I thought it amazing this morning when I read the Bible verse of the day on the Bible app I have on my phone. It was definitely God speaking directly to me.
“Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation.” Isaiah 12:2
God spoke. Then He gave me just enough of what He knew I needed to take a step of faith. I’m so happy I did not give in to my desire to turn back and get the walker. It would have been so easy to do so. But I knew, if I never took a step of faith, I’d never reap the rewards. So step by excruciatingly slow step, I had faith that He’d keep me safe. And He did. He also allowed me to walk all around work and walk back out to my car WITHOUT a walker. Again, God had my back. He didn’t let me fall or stumble. I give Him all the praise and that’s why this “Tune-In-Tuesday” post is also a “Shouting from the Rooftop” post. God is awesome.
I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. Maybe I’ll be back on the walker, but I’m choosing to rejoice in THIS day and the joy God has brought me in it.
The next three paragraphs are what I wrote last night.
After writing last week’s post, it struck me in a tangible way how far I’ve come. I was sitting at my desk at work on Wednesday and all of the sudden it struck me like a bolt of lightning: I have the use of my left hand back. I’ve had it back for months now, however, I like to think the moment on Wednesday was another gentle reminder from God that He’s got this. He took my hand from being completely paralyzed (I’m not sure if that’s the right word because I could feel my hand and arm, but I had no ability to move them.) to working again!
I have to be happy with what I have now. Yes, I’m still praying for the miracle of being able to walk without a cane or walker, but even if God chooses not to give me that miracle, I must, must, must thank Him abundantly and fervently for allowing me to be able to walk better than before the surgery. I still use a walker to get in and out of places. As one friend put it, it’s my “security blanket”. I have to agree, it is. It does amaze me though how giddy I get when I can walk with just the cane. If you’ve never had an ability to do something and then lost that ability and then gained it back again, I don’t suppose you’ll ever really “get” what I’m talking about, but that’s OK. You’ll just have to trust me – it’s an AMAZING feeling. As I told someone recently, I have to treasure and store up the memories of those good walking days for days when my walking is not so great.
This past Friday night, Mom, Dad and I went to see “Mama Mia” at the Cumberland County Playhouse. With Dad’s assistance, I walked into and out of the Playhouse with just a cane. He noticed that I was walking better. I still have problems walking on downslopes though and he noticed that as well. But, I am improving. It’s so, so, so much easier to go places and do things with a cane then with a walker. Dad asked if I was ready to run yet and my answer was, “not yet”. However, while I was watching the play, all I wanted to do was jump up on the stage and run around. I really felt like I could do it too! But at the risk of getting arrested, or at least thrown off the stage, I restrained myself from doing so. ;)
I head back to Vanderbilt on September 22. I have NO idea what to expect. I have no idea if I’ll be able to walk in without a walker. I have no idea what I really want: do I want to walk my absolute worst so the doctors can see and adjust things, or do I want to walk my absolute best so they can see how I’m improving? Will they say that I'm improving or will they have wanted to see more? Should I be farther along in recovery? I have no idea what the doctors will say. As you can see, I have some (or a lot – there are more that I haven’t written here!) anxieties about the appointments, but, I know as much as anyone else it does me NO good to worry about any of it. I must “not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present my requests to God.” Philippians 4:6. I must remember that God’s Got This!!
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