Turn-It-Down Tuesday: August 16

Up until I woke up this morning, I had it in my mind that I would turn my deep brain stimulation device up today. Being at a level 3.00 on frequency B just didn’t cut it for me last week. I was hoping and praying for that miracle again, but God saw differently. In my weird thinking, I thought that if I went past the point (3.20 volts) that at one time gave me trouble, 3.30 volts may be the “sweet spot”. So, I was going to go from 3.00 to 3.30 volts. That is until I woke up this morning. This morning it struck me that I had never been lower that 3.00 on this frequency. I had to admit that I was still showing signs of having too much electricity. All week I waited to turn it up and then today came and I completely changed my mind and turned the electricity down! I turned it down to 2.80 volts.

And although I really, really thought I felt things calming down after I turned it down, I’m pretty sure all of that was psychosomatic, because the truth is, I’m not seeing any dramatic changes yet. I do feel good though about turning it down – at least for the moment. You may get another blog entry from me later this week saying I couldn’t wait and I’ve turned it up. All this to say, I really, really, really want to find my “sweet spot” and put an end to all this testing! I mean, it’s fun sometimes, but really I just want to be on a level that works for me - some place I don’t have to worry about if it’s going to work or not. But then again, knowing me, I’ll probably worry anyway. I really do try not to worry, as I know that’s a sin, but that’s my inclination. God’s working on me though!

My godmother told me I had the ministry of perseverance, endurance and trust. I never, ever thought of myself as having these ministries. If I’m being completely honest, I’m not sure they are the ones I would have chosen for myself. But then again, we rarely ever get to choose our ministries, right? I don’t feel like I persevere at all. I get so impatient and upset with myself, which overflows to being impatient and upset with others. If I do persevere it’s to survive. ;) I’m human and fallible. I get angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and anxious just like everyone else does. I’m not a saint. I play the “poor me” card every once in a while (or, if I’m being honest, a lot more than once in a while!). The ministry of endurance – that just makes me laugh. Only because when I think of endurance, I think of athletes and I am nowhere even being minutely close to being an athlete. However – on a side note – sports movies are one of my favorite movie genres. That’s probably going to shock most people, but it’s true. It’s because sports movies are almost always about overcoming obstacles. They almost always have a redeeming value. They are almost always about the underdogs. As for having the ministry of trust – well trust is what I'm constantly working on. My ultimate ministry though is to bring people to know Jesus. So, if someone can grow closer to Jesus, or discover Him for the first time just by seeing me go through something or hearing something I say or reading something I write, then this whole journey - the good, the bad and the ugly of it - is definitely worth being on. It wasn't the plan I set out for myself, but it's God's perfect plan for me and because of that, I can say it's the journey I'm blessed (yes, blessed!) to be on.

I’ll end this post by saying once again, God’s Got This!!