When I first started exhibiting symptoms of dystonia, I had no way of knowing that I would one day have to use a walker to get around. I distinctly remember having the thought that as long as I have the ability to walk, I'd be OK in this life - HA HA HA!!! It's hard to admit that that is what I thought, but it is just that. Looking back, I cringe at it. I cringe, because who am I to say whether I walk or not? Whether I can see? Whether I have good health or not? Isn't that God's business? And doesn't He have the right to give us those blessings or allow them to be taken away so that we may see that we are but dust and to dust we shall return? I'm slowly learning this!!
At the same time though, I am human and being human, I am highly embarrassed having to use a walker. I'm 34, not 94. When I started using it full time I was 28. No matter what anyone says, I don't like being "the girl with the walker" - and yet, I am! It has gotten easier to accept over time. But, then, there are the days when it feels like it's the first time I'm using it and all those feelings come rushing back in of not being good enough, of being disabled, of being embarrassed. I struggle all the time with my feelings on having to use a walker. On one hand I am extremely blessed and grateful that I have it and that I can get by with it. I can live on my own, drive a car, go to work, go to the store, go anywhere I desire and then on the other hand, I'm bitter and mad and sad and angry that I have to use one. Nothing anyone can say or do can or will take those feelings away and I know that. Only God can do that. Only God can give me the grace to accept it, to deal with it, to thrive with it. I have to accept it for what it's worth. But, I'm not there yet. I battle every day.
Having dystonia and using a walker has opened my eyes to the fact that everyone deserves to be treated kindly. No one deserves to be stared at. I've been convicted of this. If I ever find myself staring at someone who is different, I stop immediately. I know how it feels now to have people stare and I can't stand it, so I try my very, very hardest not to do it to others. It is hard though. Human nature is to stare, to wonder what's wrong with someone. I have no qualms telling anyone what's wrong with me, if they ask. That's the key though: ask, don't just stare. I know this is hard, because I've had to deal with it too - wondering if I should ask someone what's wrong with them or just leave it be. My personal preference is that you ask me what's wrong or act toward me like using a walker is something everyone does :) I have to give huge props to my co-workers and my church family. No one makes me feel unloved or like I don't belong.
I've always had a rather shy personality, but having dystonia and using a walker has brought out a side of my personality I didn't know I had. I can be bold and courageous! I can be tough! I can be strong! While I still cry easily and get my feelings hurt even more easily, I'm beginning to see signs of tough skin growing! I'm no shrinking violet. I'm a blooming tulip (I only use tulip, because it's my favorite flower!!). God's not done with me yet. On the flip side though, I've seen where having dystonia and having to use a walker has made me callous and unloving. I snap at people and get annoyed more easily. I'm jealous of what others have. I'm hateful towards people. I am not proud of any of this and I'm praying every day that God would help me to be kind and loving, not jealous and to be happy for others when life brings them pure joy. I like the toughness and the boldness of my personality shining though, I despise the jealousy and the callousness. I'm a work in progress (as we all are)!
I'll end on this: A walker is just that, it helps me walk. The walker is not me in a nutshell, but it does help define me. I say this because without having to use a walker, I might not have ever met some of the people I've met and I may never have talked to some of the people I've talked to and I may never have had any impact on anyone. I'm beginning to think that the walker is just one of God's many tools that He's using to define me, to refine me and to make me into the person He wants me to be. Yes, I'm still going to be embarrassed from time to time, yes I would still rather walk with my own two feet than have to have the assistance of a walker, but who knows - what if some of MY life's greatest blessings come BECAUSE I walk with a walker?
Before my makeover of the walker:
After my makeover of the walker:
I've learned so much from reading your blog, Stephanie. You are able to your feelings in a meaningful way. No pity for yourself. Just the facts. Years ago when your mom had cancer, she said something I'll never forget. She reminded me, "Oh, there's an upside to everything, Anne. I don't get phone calls constantly asking me to do something. The first phone call I got, I just said, 'Oh, I can't really help you. I have cancer.' " You have the same kind of spunk and the same kind of courage. And you're a very good teacher. Keep talking when you feel like it. I'm learning!
ReplyDeleteI am Karen from Canada, I once suffered from cervical dystonia,for more than 30 years , the doctor told me there was no permanent cure i was given medications to slow down its progress, i constantly felt my health was deteriorating as i constantly had jerky head movements and muscles contract ,this ailment was really terrible especially when am going out with my friends, i have this constant disorder for about 30 years, this was really a terrible ailment ,on thin one day that i was going through the internet,and i came across a post of Mrs Jessica on how her daughter was been cured from cervical dystonia through the help of Dr Williams herbal product, I contacted this herbal doctor via his email and explain everything to him and make purchase of his product,few days later he sent me the herbal medicine through courier service, when i received the herbal medicine, i used it for 1 months as prescribed by Dr Williams and i was totally cured within those week of usage,on thin now i have not experience any sign or characteristics again for more information you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for help .
ReplyDeleteI am Karen from Canada, I once suffered from cervical dystonia,for more than 30 years , the doctor told me there was no permanent cure i was given medications to slow down its progress, i constantly felt my health was deteriorating as i constantly had jerky head movements and muscles contract ,this ailment was really terrible especially when am going out with my friends, i have this constant disorder for about 30 years, this was really a terrible ailment ,on thin one day that i was going through the internet,and i came across a post of Mrs Jessica on how her daughter was been cured from cervical dystonia through the help of Dr Williams herbal product, I contacted this herbal doctor via his email and explain everything to him and make purchase of his product,few days later he sent me the herbal medicine through courier service, when i received the herbal medicine, i used it for 1 months as prescribed by Dr Williams and i was totally cured within those week of usage,on thin now i have not experience any sign or characteristics again for more information you can email him on drwilliams098675@gmail.com for help .
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