Do you ever have those days when nothing works out or everything goes awry?! What am I saying?! Everyone has those days! It’s called life. I’ve had a couple of those days in the past week and really all I can do is laugh about them. 😊
Overall, this past week has been great. My walking has been stable for the most part. I’ve had a few times when I wasn’t so stable or I got “into my head”, but overall, it’s been pretty good. I am, however, thinking back over the week and am thankful for the help of others. On Thursday, Mom and I went to see a musical at the Tennessee Theatre (and if you’re Facebook friends with me, you know the musical I’m talking about – ha!). I’m thankful that Mom drops me off and picks me up right in front of the theatre. Yes, I could walk from the parking garage to the theatre, but it would take a lot of effort and a lot of time (because let’s face it, I’m not all that fast!). I’m thankful for church members like Karen who came up behind me as I was walking into church on Sunday and asked if I needed a hand. Again, I could have made it on my own, but it would have taken forever. I’m thankful for “Baby” Hope (my 2-year-old niece) who held my hand as we walked up to Communion at church and just because she was holding it, I could walk steadier. I’m thankful.
Sometimes I can force myself to walk correctly, other times I have no control. It’s weird and I don’t know how to accurately describe what I mean, so you’ll just have to trust me on this, unless you experience it yourself. 😉
On Saturday, I nearly had to go visit my brother at the ER as a patient because I sliced my finger open trying to do a good deed. I avoided going, but I debated it for a little while! I injured myself so many times on Saturday it was starting to become comical. Seriously, three separate injuries, but surprisingly, none of them were from falling - haha, so that's a positive spin on the situation(s).
Unexpectedly my iPhone died today. I didn’t know how dependent on my phone I was until I didn’t have it. I couldn’t make or receive any calls or texts. It simple kept saying no service. After taking the SIM card out and doing all the other million things the Internet told me to do to get it working again, I called Verizon (my provider) and they had me doing different things. Finally, after they couldn’t help me, I took my phone to the Verizon store. They gave it a new SIM card and still nothing worked. The options were to go to the Apple store for them to diagnosis what was going on or get a new phone. Since I’d already been having other issues with my phone, I decided to just bite the bullet and go ahead and get a new one. So frustrating and yet, that's just life, right?! It's not life or death - it's a phone. Get it fixed (or in my case buy a new one) and move on!!
Yesterday, I had a check-up with the neurologist and was thrown a curve-ball. First, it was probably the best I’ve ever walked in front of Dr. Tolleson – yay, me! Whenever I go to see him, I totally feel like I’m going in to get a tune-up. I get attached to this big remote he has and he checks to make sure everything is working properly. But here’s what threw me for a loop: he said that my battery - the one that's implanted right under my collarbone - is extremely low. He was shocked by how low it is, as he doesn’t have me on an extremely high setting or anything. The only thing he could think of was that maybe because he’s stimulating two areas, it’s taking up more battery life. I’ve only had the battery for 2 and ½ years and it’s supposed to last at least 5. I must have it replaced ASAP. Like within 2-4 weeks ASAP. He said he could send me back to Vanderbilt to get it done, or I could get it done here. Since he’s here now, I want to get it done here. He said the surgeon that does them only does the battery, not anything in the brain – so if I ever need something replaced (like a wire or a lead) in my brain, I would have to go back to Vanderbilt, but for a battery change, I can stay here. He said that the surgery is easy. To which I responded, “Easy for you to say!” 😉 I asked if I would have to be under general anesthesia. He said that they probably would do it under general, but I could ask about a local. He said that as a neurologist, he doesn't like putting people under general, but the surgeon probably would do that. He said all that happens in the surgery is the surgeon opens the scar, pulls the dead battery out and puts a new one in. But (in my mind) it’s still “surgery” (especially if it’s under general anesthesia). --- Also, on a lighter note, I CAN NOT spell or remember how to spell anesthesia at all. I’m always taking my best guess and having Microsoft give me word suggestions. 😉 --- Dr. Tolleson’s office is contacting the surgeon and getting things set up, but Dr. Tolleson said that if I don’t hear back from his office or the surgeon’s office this week, I need to call ASAP next week. I was REALLY hoping to avoid having to have any surgeries (as small as they may be) this year, but, I’m so very thankful that I saw Dr. Tolleson when I did and he’s on top of getting it replaced ASAP. I do NOT want the stimulation to just stop one day because the battery’s dead!
Dr. Tolleson did say that there is the option of getting a re-chargeable battery inserted. He said those usually last around 10 years before needing to be replaced. That sounded wonderful to me. He said the only downside is that I would have to recharge the battery. That didn’t seem so bad until I asked him how often I would have to recharge it. His answer? Every week. EVERY WEEK!! I know, I know we take medicine every day or we work out every week or we do other things every day or every week, but I don’t want to have to recharge myself every week! OK that last sentence could be taken two ways. I love "recharging myself". I don't want to have to recharge a battery in myself every week! I asked what he would do. Of course he wouldn’t tell me. 😉 He did say that I was young though and that I’m going to have this device for the rest of my life, so that was something to consider. I decided it was worth it to “set it and forget it” and have to have it replaced every so often then have to recharge it every week.
Another thing that threw me for a loop in a good way was Dr. Tolleson said that my left arm and hand were much looser. I asked if that was a good thing (just to make sure) and he said it most definitely was. So, yay! I don't know what's caused that - if it's the DBS therapy, yoga or what, but I'm very thankful!
While meeting with Dr. Tolleson, he asked me point blank, “Are you happy?’ To which I responded, “Yes, yes I am.” If nothing gets any better than where it is today, I’m still happy with the outcome. I found it kind of profound that he asked me that. He never has in the past. Am I happy? Of course I’m not happy all the time and I get so frustrated when I can’t walk correctly, but overall, looking back from where I’ve come to where I am now, yes…yes I am happy. He said he noticed that I seemed happier. He asked if I was still walking without the assistance of a cane or walker. I told him I was, although sometimes I probably should use one or the other. Just stopping to think about that – am I using a walker or cane to get around – and realizing (no matter how hard it may be on certain days to walk without them) that I am NOT walking with a walker or cane, brought me great joy and put it all in to perspective.
Yoga has also brought me great joy recently. I think it’s because it’s showing me what I CAN do. When I’m having a bad day with balance or walking, to do upper body strength training or do some yoga pose and succeed at it, helps me to focus on what I can do and not wallow in what I can’t. I love being able to conquer things whether it be a pose, or a fear. It’s empowering. And, in case anyone was wondering, Dr. Tolleson is completely behind me doing it. He was actually very pleased that I am doing it.
Reading the Bible every day too has brought me exceeding joy. It’s most definitely empowering! It’s amazing to me what jumps out at me from a page. It can be a very significant thing or it can be as simple and silly as a verse that mentions both my dad’s favorite nut (pistachio) and my favorite nut (almond). Haha. 😊 Seriously though, reading the Bible is a blessing and the discipline of it is wonderful.
If you're keeping up with my goal for July, I'm still chipping away at learning how to do push-ups. I increased this past week to doing 5 in the morning and 5 at night. However, my shoulder has started hurting so my yoga instructor told me to go back down to 3 in the morning and 3 at night. It's all about quality and not so much about quantity anyway.
I think that's enough for this post. Sorry for all the rambling! I'm exceedingly blessed and I'm so thankful that in EVERY situation, "God's Got This"!
Tuesday, July 17, 2018
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: July 10, 2018
Someone posted this quote on Facebook and it sure hit a nerve with me. It's exactly what I needed to see and exactly what I needed to keep telling myself this past week:
If you read my post from last week, you'll know that I got this idiotic idea to challenge myself to do push-ups. I have NO idea why I decided to do this and make it "public" - haha. I told my yoga instructor, so she's holding my feet to the fire! In all reality, I really, really, really do want to learn how to do them, do them correctly and become stronger, but there are moments that I think to myself, "This was a dumb idea. Why did I say I want to do this?!" But, "going public" so to speak, by putting this in my blog, has kept me going. For one week, I've done three push-ups in the morning and three at night. That doesn't seem like a lot and I'm sure you're laughing because of only 6 a day, but I don't care. I'm learning how to do push-ups and getting stronger, so it's worth it. One day, I hope to be the one laughing, if I ever re-read this. If I keep at it, 6 a day may become 10 a day, 20 a day and so on until I do push-ups without any thought. "Rome wasn't built in a day" and neither is my ability to do push-ups, but they are coming along.
Another thing my yoga instructor got me hooked on was the L pose. She showed it to me for the first time last week. I tried it and couldn't do it, but I went home and tried again and again and then it happened! I don't know how, it just did. I sent my yoga instructor a video. This is a little snippet of it. It's kind of embarrassing, but here it is. Don't judge ;) I know my form isn't great, but the fact is...I DID IT!!!!!!
However, in order to keep me humble, at yoga tonight, I was only able to do it once. That's it. One time. The rest of the times were failures. I was frustrated beyond belief. Why couldn't I do it more than once?! There's a lesson to be learned there. Even my yoga instructor saw it. She said sometimes you just have to let it go. I didn't want to end the session on a "failure", so I tried and tried and tried again until I just had to realize it wasn't going to happen more than once tonight. I had to let it go. As Meryl reminded me, I've only been trying this for a week. Again, "Rome wasn't built in a day."
The rest of my week has been going well. I do get frustrated when I can't really "show" others that my walking is better. I get "stage fright" walking into church, work, wherever. I got it again tonight when trying to show Meryl the L pose. Why do I get so "into my head" that I end up freezing and not "performing" as I know I can? AHHH!!! It's so frustrating!! I laugh when I think back to my younger days. I longed to be famous, to have my name up in lights and for everyone to know me. Now that I'm older, that's the last thing I want! My, how times have changed! ;)
My personality lends to being disciplined. If I set my mind to something, I'm going to do it, one way or another. I'm rather stubborn and don't like to fail (who does?!). I can be very rigid and unforgiving of myself. I'm very unrelenting in my determination. But through this journey, God's chipping away at my perfectionism. No one is perfect except God Himself. He loves me just the way I am, for He made me. It was a very good thing that I didn't succeed tonight in doing the L pose more than once. It's driving me a little insane that I couldn't do it, but it's also good. Why? Because God's showing me to lay my perfectionism down and give myself grace. It's hard. So hard. But...God's Got This!
If you read my post from last week, you'll know that I got this idiotic idea to challenge myself to do push-ups. I have NO idea why I decided to do this and make it "public" - haha. I told my yoga instructor, so she's holding my feet to the fire! In all reality, I really, really, really do want to learn how to do them, do them correctly and become stronger, but there are moments that I think to myself, "This was a dumb idea. Why did I say I want to do this?!" But, "going public" so to speak, by putting this in my blog, has kept me going. For one week, I've done three push-ups in the morning and three at night. That doesn't seem like a lot and I'm sure you're laughing because of only 6 a day, but I don't care. I'm learning how to do push-ups and getting stronger, so it's worth it. One day, I hope to be the one laughing, if I ever re-read this. If I keep at it, 6 a day may become 10 a day, 20 a day and so on until I do push-ups without any thought. "Rome wasn't built in a day" and neither is my ability to do push-ups, but they are coming along.
Another thing my yoga instructor got me hooked on was the L pose. She showed it to me for the first time last week. I tried it and couldn't do it, but I went home and tried again and again and then it happened! I don't know how, it just did. I sent my yoga instructor a video. This is a little snippet of it. It's kind of embarrassing, but here it is. Don't judge ;) I know my form isn't great, but the fact is...I DID IT!!!!!!
However, in order to keep me humble, at yoga tonight, I was only able to do it once. That's it. One time. The rest of the times were failures. I was frustrated beyond belief. Why couldn't I do it more than once?! There's a lesson to be learned there. Even my yoga instructor saw it. She said sometimes you just have to let it go. I didn't want to end the session on a "failure", so I tried and tried and tried again until I just had to realize it wasn't going to happen more than once tonight. I had to let it go. As Meryl reminded me, I've only been trying this for a week. Again, "Rome wasn't built in a day."
The rest of my week has been going well. I do get frustrated when I can't really "show" others that my walking is better. I get "stage fright" walking into church, work, wherever. I got it again tonight when trying to show Meryl the L pose. Why do I get so "into my head" that I end up freezing and not "performing" as I know I can? AHHH!!! It's so frustrating!! I laugh when I think back to my younger days. I longed to be famous, to have my name up in lights and for everyone to know me. Now that I'm older, that's the last thing I want! My, how times have changed! ;)
My personality lends to being disciplined. If I set my mind to something, I'm going to do it, one way or another. I'm rather stubborn and don't like to fail (who does?!). I can be very rigid and unforgiving of myself. I'm very unrelenting in my determination. But through this journey, God's chipping away at my perfectionism. No one is perfect except God Himself. He loves me just the way I am, for He made me. It was a very good thing that I didn't succeed tonight in doing the L pose more than once. It's driving me a little insane that I couldn't do it, but it's also good. Why? Because God's showing me to lay my perfectionism down and give myself grace. It's hard. So hard. But...God's Got This!
Tuesday, July 3, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: July 3, 2018
Happy 3rd of July, everyone! What's the 3rd of July, you ask? It's the day before the 4th of July. :) I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far. The past week was better for me walking-wise than the week before, so I'm thankful for that! Every day seemed to get better than the previous - progress, I love it! I'm not saying that the week was without issues, there's always going to be issues, but as I think back over it, it was good. God provides. ALL THE TIME. God provides. I laugh when I think back at all the times He shows up. Maybe I shouldn't phrase it like - He's ALWAYS there. I love when He allows me to see that He's always by my side. The things I worry and fret over, He's already got the answer to. So why do I worry and fret? That's the million dollar question. I worry and fret because I'm human and sinful, but God's already got the answer to each and every worry and fret - Do not be anxious about anything!!! (Phil 4:6).
I got an INSANE idea this week. First, let me back up a little bit. As I've been doing yoga weekly, I've gotten to know my yoga instructor better (duh, if you hang out with a person, you tend to get to know them a little - haha). Anyway, a couple of months ago she mentioned that she was doing some self-care of her own. She was seeing what she could add or subtract from her life, for a week, a month...however long she desired. Like, could she give coffee up for a week? She wanted to practice doing handstands. Stuff like that. She inspired me. This past week as July was approaching, I got an insane idea. For the month of July, I want to practice doing push-ups. See, I told you it was an INSANE idea! Who is this person that's overtaken my body? Really - push-ups?!! I've never wanted to do push-ups in my life - never. And yet, all the sudden I want to do them. And let me tell you, it's NOT going to be easy. I can BARELY and I do mean BARELY even do 3 right now. But, I'm going to try it - to give it my best shot. No, I'm not going to try. I'm going to DO. Yes. I'm going to do.
I had yoga tonight and told my instructor of my plans. I said I needed someone to keep me accountable - which is the truth! So now, I can't go back on it. One very, very good thing about me wanting to do push-ups is that I don't know how to do them. So she doesn't have to undo bad habits that I may have learned from doing them, if that had been the case. So, tonight we began training on the push-ups. Ya'll, I'm terrible. TERRIBLE. But, I have the desire and that's 99% of it, right?! (I'm trying to build myself up here - ha!)
This whole push-up thing brought back memories of my very beginning days of exercising. I had (and still do have) a stationary bike. When I decided to try exercise, I couldn't do more than 5 minutes on the bike. Seriously, I was DYING trying to reach 5 minutes. And it was torture - TORTURE. But, in reality, I didn't die and I made it through and I felt so good about myself. So, I worked out for 5 minutes every day for a week. The next week, I raised it to 10 minutes and I was dying all over again, but I stuck with it. And now, it's no big deal for me to do an hour. I'm NOT saying that to brag. Truly, I'm not. I'm saying it to remind myself that if I'm consistent and committed to something, I can tackle it. So, for July it's push-ups. I probably have no idea what I've I gotten myself into, but here goes nothing!
I must, must, must strengthen my core, if I'm going to do push-ups, so that's what we worked on tonight. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it, when results start taking shape.
My other goal for July: read my Bible, specifically the Old Testament. I'm taking my dad's challenge to read the Old Testament this year. And yes, that's not a misprint, I said this year. And yes, we are in July. And yes, I'm just starting. I've confessed. You can be a preacher's daughter and still not do what you're supposed to! My friend, Kristen, found a chart to get us through the entire Old Testament starting July 1 and ending in December. And one more confession: I'm already behind. So tonight, I've got two days worth of reading to do. It's amazing though what reading through the Bible can do for you. My yoga instructor and I were talking tonight about what it means to be strong. What it means to be strong can mean a million different things and being strong is different for everyone. You can be physically strong. You can be emotionally strong. You can be spiritually strong. So while I'm trying in one way to be physically strong, I'm also prepping myself to be spiritually strong by building my core foundation: going back to the "basics" and reading my Bible. I hate to admit that, just like in physical strengthening, sometimes I slack off on spiritual strengthening. So it's back to God's Word I go.
As long as we have breath in our lungs, it's never too late to start something new. It may be challenging. It may be hard. We may think we're going to die doing it, but in ALL circumstances...God's God This!!
I got an INSANE idea this week. First, let me back up a little bit. As I've been doing yoga weekly, I've gotten to know my yoga instructor better (duh, if you hang out with a person, you tend to get to know them a little - haha). Anyway, a couple of months ago she mentioned that she was doing some self-care of her own. She was seeing what she could add or subtract from her life, for a week, a month...however long she desired. Like, could she give coffee up for a week? She wanted to practice doing handstands. Stuff like that. She inspired me. This past week as July was approaching, I got an insane idea. For the month of July, I want to practice doing push-ups. See, I told you it was an INSANE idea! Who is this person that's overtaken my body? Really - push-ups?!! I've never wanted to do push-ups in my life - never. And yet, all the sudden I want to do them. And let me tell you, it's NOT going to be easy. I can BARELY and I do mean BARELY even do 3 right now. But, I'm going to try it - to give it my best shot. No, I'm not going to try. I'm going to DO. Yes. I'm going to do.
I had yoga tonight and told my instructor of my plans. I said I needed someone to keep me accountable - which is the truth! So now, I can't go back on it. One very, very good thing about me wanting to do push-ups is that I don't know how to do them. So she doesn't have to undo bad habits that I may have learned from doing them, if that had been the case. So, tonight we began training on the push-ups. Ya'll, I'm terrible. TERRIBLE. But, I have the desire and that's 99% of it, right?! (I'm trying to build myself up here - ha!)
This whole push-up thing brought back memories of my very beginning days of exercising. I had (and still do have) a stationary bike. When I decided to try exercise, I couldn't do more than 5 minutes on the bike. Seriously, I was DYING trying to reach 5 minutes. And it was torture - TORTURE. But, in reality, I didn't die and I made it through and I felt so good about myself. So, I worked out for 5 minutes every day for a week. The next week, I raised it to 10 minutes and I was dying all over again, but I stuck with it. And now, it's no big deal for me to do an hour. I'm NOT saying that to brag. Truly, I'm not. I'm saying it to remind myself that if I'm consistent and committed to something, I can tackle it. So, for July it's push-ups. I probably have no idea what I've I gotten myself into, but here goes nothing!
I must, must, must strengthen my core, if I'm going to do push-ups, so that's what we worked on tonight. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it, when results start taking shape.
My other goal for July: read my Bible, specifically the Old Testament. I'm taking my dad's challenge to read the Old Testament this year. And yes, that's not a misprint, I said this year. And yes, we are in July. And yes, I'm just starting. I've confessed. You can be a preacher's daughter and still not do what you're supposed to! My friend, Kristen, found a chart to get us through the entire Old Testament starting July 1 and ending in December. And one more confession: I'm already behind. So tonight, I've got two days worth of reading to do. It's amazing though what reading through the Bible can do for you. My yoga instructor and I were talking tonight about what it means to be strong. What it means to be strong can mean a million different things and being strong is different for everyone. You can be physically strong. You can be emotionally strong. You can be spiritually strong. So while I'm trying in one way to be physically strong, I'm also prepping myself to be spiritually strong by building my core foundation: going back to the "basics" and reading my Bible. I hate to admit that, just like in physical strengthening, sometimes I slack off on spiritual strengthening. So it's back to God's Word I go.
As long as we have breath in our lungs, it's never too late to start something new. It may be challenging. It may be hard. We may think we're going to die doing it, but in ALL circumstances...God's God This!!
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: June 26, 2018
For the past few weeks, I’ve been blessed to be walking pretty near “perfect” for me. God’s allowed me to be aware of this and to savor it. It’s been fantastic. I’ve been overjoyed. My co-workers even started commenting that they had never seen me walk better. Walking was coming easier. Tuesday through Saturday of last week was no different. I felt free! Then came Sunday. Walking was a bit more of a struggle. At first, I chalked it up to being nervous. I still haven’t “conquered” the church parking lot. Haha. That should be the place that I feel the most at ease because it’s church and everyone’s willing to help. However, for me, I still get nervous. I did make it everywhere I needed to go without falling – halleluiah! Monday, I struggled. My balance was off. Again, no falls, but only by the grace of God! I tried to get up early on Monday to work-out and do some (at-home) yoga, but couldn’t get myself out of bed. I think this was God knowing that I would need the workout and yoga AFTER work, just to let myself know that even though walking wasn’t the greatest, I am still able to do things! Today, walking was better than yesterday, but still not as great as it has been.
One thing I’m kind of proud of myself for recognizing is that yesterday I found myself starting to say, “Today is a bad day.” But I caught myself and reminded myself that “Today is not a bad day, it’s a bad moment in a good day.” I have more of an Eeyore perspective on life than a Tigger perspective, but I’m slowly, mindfully, turning that perspective around. There is so much to be thankful for, so much to be joyful for. No one likes a pessimist all the time. I know that. It’s harder than you think though to turn a natural tendency around. 😉
I found this quote from Joni Eareckaon Tada and it completely spoke to me. If you don't know Joni's story, Google it. I promise you won't be disappointed. She says: "During those bouts of hopelessness, I lose my ability to see life from a biblical perspective...but when I fix my spiritual eyes on the Blessed Hope, I'm able to see life from above! With God's hope in my heart, life is no longer small. Life has purpose. Life is an adventure to be lived!"
I found this quote on Facebook and loved it:
And this Bible verse always brings me comfort when I'm feeling weak and insignificant and defeated:
Everyone has their struggles in life, don’t we? I’m trying exceedingly hard to find out how God intends to use my struggles for His good. Sometimes, He gives me glimpses of how He's doing that and other times (and more than often), I must trust that He knows best and He’ll use my struggles for His glory. And in the end, that’s all that matters! I know in everything though that God’s Got This!
One thing I’m kind of proud of myself for recognizing is that yesterday I found myself starting to say, “Today is a bad day.” But I caught myself and reminded myself that “Today is not a bad day, it’s a bad moment in a good day.” I have more of an Eeyore perspective on life than a Tigger perspective, but I’m slowly, mindfully, turning that perspective around. There is so much to be thankful for, so much to be joyful for. No one likes a pessimist all the time. I know that. It’s harder than you think though to turn a natural tendency around. 😉
I found this quote from Joni Eareckaon Tada and it completely spoke to me. If you don't know Joni's story, Google it. I promise you won't be disappointed. She says: "During those bouts of hopelessness, I lose my ability to see life from a biblical perspective...but when I fix my spiritual eyes on the Blessed Hope, I'm able to see life from above! With God's hope in my heart, life is no longer small. Life has purpose. Life is an adventure to be lived!"
I found this quote on Facebook and loved it:
And this Bible verse always brings me comfort when I'm feeling weak and insignificant and defeated:
Everyone has their struggles in life, don’t we? I’m trying exceedingly hard to find out how God intends to use my struggles for His good. Sometimes, He gives me glimpses of how He's doing that and other times (and more than often), I must trust that He knows best and He’ll use my struggles for His glory. And in the end, that’s all that matters! I know in everything though that God’s Got This!
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: June 19, 2018
Last Tuesday was my birthday. If I remember correctly, my mom once told me that I was born a week early. I wasn’t due until June 19. Well today is June 19th – so let the party continue!! Haha. It totally fits my personality that I was a week early. I must be 15 minutes early to everything, which drives my mom crazy. But, I’m getting better at that and try to arrive right on time. 😊 Thank you for all the birthday wishes via Facebook, calls, texts, cards, food and presents. It was a fantastic day.
Looking over the gifts I received, I realized that a lot of them had to do with walking. My grandmother gave me a Max Lucado book entitled, “Walking with the Savior”. My brother and sister-in-law (OK, let’s be honest, my sister-in-law thought of it, picked it out and probably used her own money to buy it. 😊) gave me a bracelet that says, “God is within her, she will not fall”. My friend, Kristen, gave me a wall hanging that says, “Walk by Faith”. My mom picked out the most on-point, relevant birthday card ever that spoke of walking. It was a “themed” birthday party that I didn’t know was themed until I looked back on it! It was wonderful. And to go along with it, God gave me the gift of walking well. The past week, I’ve had a much easier time walking. There’s been a few challenges, but overall, walking came more natural and for that I’m eternally grateful. The pessimist in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop (pun intended 😉) and for me to start having bad days, but I am so very filled with joy, that for now, I’m walking well.
As for the other issues I deal with (mainly the one I revealed in last week’s post), I’m overwhelmed with the kindness shown. And although everyone has been kind, just thinking about it and writing about it brought up old issues and I’ve had some bad moments. I almost wrote that I’ve had bad days, but really, they are bad moments in good days. How cocky of me to think that I had conquered certain areas. Eating different foods, getting out of routine – while all fun and needed at times, caused me to react in ways that were less than ideal. But God is still ruler and through His loving kindness, and help from professionals, I got through those moments and am hopefully back on track. God is good and merciful and helps me through.
Whether it be walking issues, eating issues, ANY kind of issues, I am eternally grateful that…GOD’s GOT THIS.
Looking over the gifts I received, I realized that a lot of them had to do with walking. My grandmother gave me a Max Lucado book entitled, “Walking with the Savior”. My brother and sister-in-law (OK, let’s be honest, my sister-in-law thought of it, picked it out and probably used her own money to buy it. 😊) gave me a bracelet that says, “God is within her, she will not fall”. My friend, Kristen, gave me a wall hanging that says, “Walk by Faith”. My mom picked out the most on-point, relevant birthday card ever that spoke of walking. It was a “themed” birthday party that I didn’t know was themed until I looked back on it! It was wonderful. And to go along with it, God gave me the gift of walking well. The past week, I’ve had a much easier time walking. There’s been a few challenges, but overall, walking came more natural and for that I’m eternally grateful. The pessimist in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop (pun intended 😉) and for me to start having bad days, but I am so very filled with joy, that for now, I’m walking well.
As for the other issues I deal with (mainly the one I revealed in last week’s post), I’m overwhelmed with the kindness shown. And although everyone has been kind, just thinking about it and writing about it brought up old issues and I’ve had some bad moments. I almost wrote that I’ve had bad days, but really, they are bad moments in good days. How cocky of me to think that I had conquered certain areas. Eating different foods, getting out of routine – while all fun and needed at times, caused me to react in ways that were less than ideal. But God is still ruler and through His loving kindness, and help from professionals, I got through those moments and am hopefully back on track. God is good and merciful and helps me through.
Whether it be walking issues, eating issues, ANY kind of issues, I am eternally grateful that…GOD’s GOT THIS.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
June 12, 2018: The Big Reveal
I have had an absolutely amazing day! It’s my birthday and it couldn’t have been better. I took the day off work and spent it with my mom and my nieces. We played all day! My nieces (who are 3 and 2) “helped” their Granna (my mom) make my birthday cake as well as my brother’s birthday cake. If you don’t know us, yes, my brother and I share a birthday but no, we are not twins – we’re 7 years apart. 😉 I usually have yoga on Tuesday nights but my yoga instructor is also a massage therapist, so this week I got a massage and it was fabulous. Walking has been amazing today. God answered my prayer that it wouldn’t rain or be gloomy out. My dad grilled out steaks for dinner and the whole family celebrated tonight. The being together, the playing, the laughing, the loving, the eating, the gifts: everything was absolutely wonderful.
Since it’s Tuesday though and I usually write a blog post on Tuesdays, I’m still writing one, but this will be a little different tonight. I’ve prayed about writing and posting about this and while I’m nervous, I also think I’m ready. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know that I’m very black and white. I tend to be a perfectionist. I’ve been very transparent on my struggles with dystonia and wanting to walk normally, however, something very few people in my life know is that I’ve also been struggling with food issues for almost (in August officially) 8 years. Some call it an eating disorder. It’s been a very shameful and humbling thing for me to acknowledge. So, for the most part, I don’t acknowledge it publicly. But, in the past two weeks, I’ve felt like maybe it was time to reveal this “secret”.
I’m not writing this post to gain sympathy, empathy, affirmation, confirmation or for advice or for shock value or for any other reason except to get it off my chest. For the past 8 years, I’ve felt like I’ve been somewhat lying to people by omission, by not saying anything about my “secret” struggle. I’ve made mention in this blog before that I see a nutritionist. She’s a registered dietitian and nutritionist. I also see a therapist. For some reason, it’s much easier to talk about a dietitian/nutritionist then it is to also say that I see a therapist. At the eating disorder’s worst, I was seeing the therapist 3 times a week. Now, I see her every two weeks. I’ve come to a place where I’m removed enough, healthy enough to share about my experiences, but I’m still hesitant. There’s a shame that comes with being labeled as having an “eating disorder”. I haven’t wanted to share about this part of my life because I’ve been embarrassed by it. When something is physically wrong with you, you can blame it on a disease, but there’s a stigma with eating disorders that says, “just stop…you’re doing it to yourself…just stop and you’ll be OK.” Believe me, I’ve been on that side. I’ve even said those words to people (if not out loud, in my head!).
To just get it out there, I don’t have anorexia or bulimia. To look at me, I don’t look anorexic and I don’t throw up my food. I thought that those were the only two eating disorders out there. To my surprise, they are not. When I was first diagnosed, it was as a binge eater. That’s someone who will eat and eat and eat, but not purge. I’d feel so guilty for eating so much though that I would go for long stretches without eating. It ended up being this cycle of eating until I couldn’t eat anymore and then restricting until I couldn’t restrict anymore and I couldn’t get off the merry-go-round. I was extremely overweight and miserable. A few years into my diagnosis, the eating disorder flipped. I didn’t know it could do that, but it can and did. I had, with the help of the dietitian and the therapist, lost weight and was feeling wonderful. I was no longer binging, but my main “offense” was restricting. I was so sure that at any minute, I would start gaining weight back and I didn’t want that to happen at all. I was on a good eating program, but the thoughts inside my head were that if I was losing so much weight following that program, I could do so much better if I was eating even less. So, I ate less. Then my therapist and my dietitian came up with a novel idea. Some of you know that I eat ice cream every night (or close to every night). Only a select few know that I’m actually “ordered” to eat it so that I’m eating enough calories per day. While I love it now, I was TERRIFIED to do it at first. I had to trust that my dietitian and therapist knew what they were doing. In all actuality, neither of them had ever tried that approach with a patient before. A registered dietitian “prescribing” ice cream every night?! That wasn’t heard of. It was my therapist’s idea and she convinced the dietitian to go along – haha! Thankfully, at the time, I didn’t know that they had never tried this approach, so I just went along. While it might sound like the “perfect” remedy, let me tell you, it was (and at times still is!) hard. And yes, while I eat ice cream (almost) every night, that doesn’t mean I’ll eat it in front of people or out at an ice cream shop with people. I still must know how many calories are in the ice cream and I measure it out each night.
I want to help people that may be in the same space I’m in. I haven’t written this post to blame anyone or to seek attention in any way. In fact, I’ve almost backed out of posting this several times already. I don’t want my revelation to look bad on anyone in my family, for they are not the root or the cause of any of this. The eating issues that I deal with are my issues and are not caused by anyone. I’ll probably write more about this on the blog at some point, but for right now, for tonight, I think this is enough. I’ve found myself “slipping up” more recently and I was afraid that if I didn’t start acknowledging the eating issues in a more public way that I would get “caught” at some point and I’d rather reveal things on my own time frame rather than having to backtrack. I really do hope that this “reveal” will be able to help someone, or, if for nothing else, just free me to be more myself. I’ve known all along and continue to know that God’s got my back. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt me from struggling with the way I look or how much I weigh. I often think to myself that I’m not a good Christian because I do struggle with image issues, but then I’m reminded that God never said we would have perfect lives, that we wouldn’t struggle. I have faith that God works ALL things together for HIS good, even the issues we may bring on ourselves. He is a loving Father who forgives us and helps us.
I’ll end this post by saying that God has blessed me beyond measure and I still know and hold firm to the fact that God’s Got This!
Since it’s Tuesday though and I usually write a blog post on Tuesdays, I’m still writing one, but this will be a little different tonight. I’ve prayed about writing and posting about this and while I’m nervous, I also think I’m ready. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know that I’m very black and white. I tend to be a perfectionist. I’ve been very transparent on my struggles with dystonia and wanting to walk normally, however, something very few people in my life know is that I’ve also been struggling with food issues for almost (in August officially) 8 years. Some call it an eating disorder. It’s been a very shameful and humbling thing for me to acknowledge. So, for the most part, I don’t acknowledge it publicly. But, in the past two weeks, I’ve felt like maybe it was time to reveal this “secret”.
I’m not writing this post to gain sympathy, empathy, affirmation, confirmation or for advice or for shock value or for any other reason except to get it off my chest. For the past 8 years, I’ve felt like I’ve been somewhat lying to people by omission, by not saying anything about my “secret” struggle. I’ve made mention in this blog before that I see a nutritionist. She’s a registered dietitian and nutritionist. I also see a therapist. For some reason, it’s much easier to talk about a dietitian/nutritionist then it is to also say that I see a therapist. At the eating disorder’s worst, I was seeing the therapist 3 times a week. Now, I see her every two weeks. I’ve come to a place where I’m removed enough, healthy enough to share about my experiences, but I’m still hesitant. There’s a shame that comes with being labeled as having an “eating disorder”. I haven’t wanted to share about this part of my life because I’ve been embarrassed by it. When something is physically wrong with you, you can blame it on a disease, but there’s a stigma with eating disorders that says, “just stop…you’re doing it to yourself…just stop and you’ll be OK.” Believe me, I’ve been on that side. I’ve even said those words to people (if not out loud, in my head!).
To just get it out there, I don’t have anorexia or bulimia. To look at me, I don’t look anorexic and I don’t throw up my food. I thought that those were the only two eating disorders out there. To my surprise, they are not. When I was first diagnosed, it was as a binge eater. That’s someone who will eat and eat and eat, but not purge. I’d feel so guilty for eating so much though that I would go for long stretches without eating. It ended up being this cycle of eating until I couldn’t eat anymore and then restricting until I couldn’t restrict anymore and I couldn’t get off the merry-go-round. I was extremely overweight and miserable. A few years into my diagnosis, the eating disorder flipped. I didn’t know it could do that, but it can and did. I had, with the help of the dietitian and the therapist, lost weight and was feeling wonderful. I was no longer binging, but my main “offense” was restricting. I was so sure that at any minute, I would start gaining weight back and I didn’t want that to happen at all. I was on a good eating program, but the thoughts inside my head were that if I was losing so much weight following that program, I could do so much better if I was eating even less. So, I ate less. Then my therapist and my dietitian came up with a novel idea. Some of you know that I eat ice cream every night (or close to every night). Only a select few know that I’m actually “ordered” to eat it so that I’m eating enough calories per day. While I love it now, I was TERRIFIED to do it at first. I had to trust that my dietitian and therapist knew what they were doing. In all actuality, neither of them had ever tried that approach with a patient before. A registered dietitian “prescribing” ice cream every night?! That wasn’t heard of. It was my therapist’s idea and she convinced the dietitian to go along – haha! Thankfully, at the time, I didn’t know that they had never tried this approach, so I just went along. While it might sound like the “perfect” remedy, let me tell you, it was (and at times still is!) hard. And yes, while I eat ice cream (almost) every night, that doesn’t mean I’ll eat it in front of people or out at an ice cream shop with people. I still must know how many calories are in the ice cream and I measure it out each night.
I want to help people that may be in the same space I’m in. I haven’t written this post to blame anyone or to seek attention in any way. In fact, I’ve almost backed out of posting this several times already. I don’t want my revelation to look bad on anyone in my family, for they are not the root or the cause of any of this. The eating issues that I deal with are my issues and are not caused by anyone. I’ll probably write more about this on the blog at some point, but for right now, for tonight, I think this is enough. I’ve found myself “slipping up” more recently and I was afraid that if I didn’t start acknowledging the eating issues in a more public way that I would get “caught” at some point and I’d rather reveal things on my own time frame rather than having to backtrack. I really do hope that this “reveal” will be able to help someone, or, if for nothing else, just free me to be more myself. I’ve known all along and continue to know that God’s got my back. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt me from struggling with the way I look or how much I weigh. I often think to myself that I’m not a good Christian because I do struggle with image issues, but then I’m reminded that God never said we would have perfect lives, that we wouldn’t struggle. I have faith that God works ALL things together for HIS good, even the issues we may bring on ourselves. He is a loving Father who forgives us and helps us.
I’ll end this post by saying that God has blessed me beyond measure and I still know and hold firm to the fact that God’s Got This!
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Tune-In-Tuesday: June 5, 2018
Warm, sunny, summer days - oh how I love them! It's June - my most favorite month. Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by and reading this post.
I was at my parent's house a lot this past weekend and took some pictures of their pretty flowers. They say, "summer" to me!
Last week, I got a present and it's not even my birthday (that's next week - ha!). The man who's responsible for my love of motorcycles gave it to me and I love it! Thank you, Dale. It was totally unexpected and totally wonderful!
Last week had it's highs and lows as each week (and each day) does, but overall it was a great week for me walking wise. I didn't fall and felt sturdier on my feet. That's not to say I didn't have my moments or my problems, but overall it was good. The only fall I took was when doing a forward fold while doing yoga at home. I got too comfortable (or maybe I fell asleep - haha) and lost my balance. I'm glad there was no one around to watch that. ;)
I continue to learn new things in yoga. I love my instructor and I love that she creates these "homework sheets" for me, complete with drawings! Yoga continues to remain both a challenge for me to overcome and exercise to strengthen me.
This will be a shorter post tonight because I'm having major writer's block. I can't seem to think of anything to say (or write), so because of this, you get a short post (which I'm sure you're thankful for!).
I do know that whether I continue to have wonderful walking days or if I wake up unable to keep my balance to save my life, The Lord is in and through every second of every day and God's Got This!
I was at my parent's house a lot this past weekend and took some pictures of their pretty flowers. They say, "summer" to me!
Last week, I got a present and it's not even my birthday (that's next week - ha!). The man who's responsible for my love of motorcycles gave it to me and I love it! Thank you, Dale. It was totally unexpected and totally wonderful!
Last week had it's highs and lows as each week (and each day) does, but overall it was a great week for me walking wise. I didn't fall and felt sturdier on my feet. That's not to say I didn't have my moments or my problems, but overall it was good. The only fall I took was when doing a forward fold while doing yoga at home. I got too comfortable (or maybe I fell asleep - haha) and lost my balance. I'm glad there was no one around to watch that. ;)
I continue to learn new things in yoga. I love my instructor and I love that she creates these "homework sheets" for me, complete with drawings! Yoga continues to remain both a challenge for me to overcome and exercise to strengthen me.
This will be a shorter post tonight because I'm having major writer's block. I can't seem to think of anything to say (or write), so because of this, you get a short post (which I'm sure you're thankful for!).
I do know that whether I continue to have wonderful walking days or if I wake up unable to keep my balance to save my life, The Lord is in and through every second of every day and God's Got This!
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