It's been a rough week. Walking has not been good. If you can walk without any issues, never, ever take that for granted.
This past Wednesday, I went to the grocery store. I parked by a cart. (Thank you to whomever left it there. I may be one of the few or maybe the ONLY one who loves when people leave their cart near their car and don't return it to the cart receptacle!) But, even holding on to the cart for dear life, I had issues walking. My leg kept having spasms. My foot kept turning in or collapsing. I tripped a few times, but didn't go down because I was hanging on to the cart. After the grocery store, I went to church. Ya'll I couldn't even walk into church. I tried. I used the cane and I tried, but I couldn't do it. No matter how many times I tried to lift my foot to walk, it just wouldn't cooperate with me. I tried calling my mom to see if she was already at church. She was, but she had her phone on vibrate and missed my call. I didn't try calling my dad since I knew he was preaching and was probably already preparing for that. I made it back to my car (seriously maybe only 5 steps from where I was in the parking lot) and just waited. Waited for what, I'm not exactly sure. Waited for my mom to see she had a missed call and call me back. Waited for someone else to arrive at church so that maybe I could get assistance from them. Waited to see if I just needed to drive back home and forget about going to church at all. In the end, a couple exited their car and was walking into church. I knew I had to be bold and humble at the same time and ask for assistance. So, I did and they came through for me in a big way. I was so unsteady (I had my cane with me!) that in the end the husband got on one side of me and the wife on the other and BOTH of them had to help me into church. I was embarrassed and yet eternally grateful at the same time. I made it without falling! My mom helped me up to Communion and yet that was a struggle as well. Getting back out to my car was a feat. Mom helped me again and yet, I had so many problems. We literally had to take one step at a time. She saw what a struggle it was for me. I haven't had this much trouble walking in a long time (which I'm so thankful for). We finally made it to my car and I was exhausted. All my brain power and muscle strength was put into that feat - that of walking from the church to my car. Again, if you have no issues walking, don't take it for granted!!! Mom had asked if I was going to call the doctor. I told her no. There wasn't (isn't) anything he can do necessarily other then adjust the amount of electricity in my deep brain stimulation system and that's what I was doing on my own. I did, however, check my DBS system to make sure it was still working. And it was (is) - thank goodness.
Thankfully, I didn't have to go anywhere after I got home from church on Wednesday night. I've never been so thankful to get to work from home as I was then! Thursday, walking wasn't much better. I literally drove my car to the end of my driveway to pick up the mail because walking just that much was an issue. I decided by Thursday night that if my walking wasn't drastically better by Friday, I'd adjust the deep brain stimulation electricity again.
Friday rolled around and I was still in a horrible state in regard to walking. I prayed about it and decided instead of waiting, I needed to adjust the electricity right then . I was also thinking forward to Sunday when I'd have to walk into church again. ;) So I adjusted the electricity and took it down to 3.50 volts on Frequency A. And then, I waited. But, as it turned out, I did not wait long. I actually fell, Friday night. I was carrying a plate of food and lost my balance and salad and chicken and rice and salad dressing (especially the salad dressing!) went EVERYWHERE. And I do mean everywhere. I'll admit, I was MAD. I just sat there on the floor for a minute or two and let myself be mad. Why can't I walk normal? Why all of the sudden am I having this much trouble walking? Why me? Yes, I went there. For two minutes, I allowed myself to go there. I know it could be much, much worse. I do. I am so thankful that I am not dying of cancer or ALS or some other catastrophic illness. I am so thankful and yet in that moment, I was mad. If you can walk without really thinking about it, stop right now and thank the Lord. Sometimes you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I miss those days of walking without thinking about it! So, I allowed myself a minute or two (or three) to just sit there in salad dressing and chicken and a broken plate and be mad and sad and frustrated and then I picked myself up and began the long process of picking up the mess I made. I mean it was everywhere. I took me sweeping and vacuuming and mopping to get it all up. Ugh. And thank goodness for washing machines and Shout! products. But, I wasn't hurt, minus a few bruises. It's in moments like these that I'm thankful for a cushy butt to land on - ha! I decided that 3.50 volts was way too low and quickly adjusted my DBS system back to 3.60 volts. I re-made my dinner and decided the rest of the night was to be spent on the couch moving as little as possible.
Saturday, I allowed myself to sleep in. Like, really, really sleep in. I, of course, woke up at my usual time (without an alarm clock), but eventually I went back to sleep. When I finally did get out of bed, I ran some essential errands. I only went to places I knew would have carts that I could hang on to. I thought I was doing better and maybe I was, but after my two-store shopping "spree", I was done. Done walking. My legs were like jelly and muscle spams reigned. I didn't fall (thank you, Jesus), but the rest of the night was again spent on the couch and trying not to walk as much as possible.
Sunday I needed help getting into and out of church - more than just my cane could give me. A friend helped me in and my brother helped me out. I wanted so badly to go to the children's Christmas program that night, but my legs said otherwise. And let's just be honest, the rest of my body did too. It takes so much energy to walk. Have you ever thought about that? I haven't really, but it does - at least in my case. It takes mental energy, physical energy - it takes all the energy. So, I allowed my body to once again just rest. I got in bed early and watched old episodes of a show called "Three Rivers" (and yes, if you know me at all...."Three Rivers" was a medical show - ha.).
I have NO idea why I'm having so many problems right now, but I am determined to learn something from it. I'm a HUGE believer that everything happens for a reason and that God works through EVERYTHING. So, this is not happening for no reason at all. I wish I was walking better NOW, but patience has never been my virtue. Maybe God's re-visiting that trait in me. Maybe He's preparing me to be able to help someone else. Maybe He's simply trying to get my attention to bring me closer to Him. Whatever it is, He's using a megaphone to get my attention!
Maybe He's just once again reminding me that God's Got This!
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