Tune-In-Tuesday: October 29, 2019

Gosh, I love what the above says. I KNOW God has good plans for me, but sometimes I just get lost in the weeds. On hard days, I just have to cling to the hope and the promise that He works ALL THINGS together for His good. So, I put my trust in Him.

The past week had its struggles, boy did it have its struggles, but on the walking front, I'm happy to report that I'm slowly (emphasis on SLOWLY) walking a little better. Now, if you see me, it might not look like I'm doing better, but believe me, I can feel it. Of course, not every second of every day is good, but I'm hopeful (please, God, let it be!) that I'm entering a good walking period. I didn't adjust the amount of electricity or the frequency that I'm on.

I had someone tell me again last week that I should write a book. I've seriously thought about it and even prayed about it, so who knows. Every time I pray about it, I ask God to give me a sign. But maybe ya'll are the signs? Maybe every person who's said I should write a book is a sign? I don't want to get a big head about it though. I do love encouraging people through words on a page (or, I guess in this case, a blog), but I struggle. I wrestle with what to put in these posts and what to keep close to my heart. I am kind of laughing to myself as I write this, because I took a video on October 20 to show people what happens when I turn the electricity in my brain up or down and I'm STILL wrestling with whether to post it! I tried posting it on the blog, but even though I trimmed it down, it's still too big of a file to upload here. So, if I post it, you'll have to see it on Facebook. Maybe I watch too much TV (OK, that's not even a maybe, that's a flat-out yes, I watch too much TV!), but I keep thinking if I share certain things will people use that against me somehow? When is sharing, oversharing? But I've been pretty open about my DBS surgeries and the struggle, so I do feel like I kind of owe it to people to say what's going on. There are definitely areas I keep private, but with DBS, I feel like I should encourage others - hence the blog. Actually, that's not true. Haha. The real reason I started the blog was that I got worn out telling my story over and over again. ;) Not that I don't like talking about it (I mean, I write mini books here on this blog every week!), but in my core I'm an introvert and it's much, much, MUCH easier for me to spill my guts in a blog post than face-to-face sometimes. Also, with a blog (or a book), people can read at their own pace, people can ignore it and I'm not bugging people with it. If you want to read and follow along - fantastic! If not, you're not hurting my feelings. There are of course other areas of my life that I don't share anything about. I try to keep this blog mainly about deep brain stimulation and dystonia, but I've delved into other areas at times too.

I saw this on someone's Facebook today and it is so what I'm going through right now:

What do I mean by "going through"? I mean - even when walking is good - there are other areas of my life that aren't as "perfect" (or at least up to par) as I'd like them to be. Truth be told, I've been going through a rough spot. The devil seems to be on me all the time, watching and waiting for one slight misstep on my part, to drill into me that I'm not worthy. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not good enough and on and on and on. I know it's all lies, but sometimes I feel as if God is silent when I pray that things will get better or happen differently. BUT, the above reminder by C.S. Lewis reminded that every day I must give myself over to God and rely on Him. Even when I think He's silent He has a purpose for everything.

Sheesh - I had no idea that this post was going to turn out the way it did tonight. I literally just sat at my computer and started typing. I hope something I've said helps someone who reads this. I do know that in everything, God's Got This and that is what I cling to!