Tune-In-Tuesday: December 31, 2019

How is it the very last day of 2019?! Time, slow down!! :) Not only will we begin a new decade tomorrow, but in year 2020, I'll be entering a new decade of life. I'm so thankful that I was born in a year that's easy to calculate because I'm not that great at math - ha! But I still have until June to relish the very last few months in the decade I'm in.

I forgot to mention in my last post that it's been 20 years - 20 YEARS (OH MY GOODNESS) as of December 19 that Mom and I were in a horrible car accident that could have ended very, very badly. But the Lord had other plans for us. Thank you, Jesus for sparing our lives. That's not to say we both haven't experienced side effects from that accident, but the past 20 years have been beautiful nonetheless. There's some question that maybe that accident triggered something in my brain and that's where the dystonia came from. However we'll never really know and what happened, happened. No use crying over spilled milk, right? (Although in the case of the accident, it was spilled pizza, as we had just picked up a pizza for Sunday lunch.)

It'll be 4 years in February as to when I had deep brain stimulation. Again, how can it be 4 years since surgery?! And in 2020 we celebrate leap year, which is the day that I had the deep brain stimulator activated. Wow. Hard to believe. Sometimes the days seem long, but the years - they are definitely short!

This past week was good. I didn't have too many problems walking. Of course there were times when walking was more difficult, but overall, I am SO THANKFUL for a great week. Christmas was fabulous with all my family. I'm blessed to be an aunt and seeing Christmas through kid's eyes is absolutely the best. I went to all three Christmas Eve services at church and saw family at each. Of course Dad was there for all of it, but at the 4pm service I saw my brother Stanton and his family. He had to work the ER that night at 7pm, so they came to the 4pm. Between the 4pm and the 7pm, I earned my keep and vacuumed the sanctuary. There was lots of wax from the candles (each service had candlelight). I didn't do it alone though as another member, Paul did most of it. He had the huge industrial vacuum and I had the regular sized one. I found that the regular sized one fit perfectly on the pews, so not only did I vacuum between the pews, but on the pews too - haha! Someone left me some Cheerios under the pew, in case I got hungry. :) After vacuuming, I picked up my grandmother and we went to the 7pm service together and then my mom and other two brothers came to the 11pm service. Between the 7 and 11 services, I went to my parent's house where my mom had made tons of goodies. I was refueled for the 11pm service.

For Christmas, I got tickets to see Fiddler on the Roof at the Tennessee Theater. My mom and dad went with me. We parked not too far away and I held on to my dad to walk in. Even with his help, I felt like I was going to fall. So that wasn't the best, but I still made it without falling and the show was fabulous!! I love theater and music and dancing and just getting lost in a story. It was a fantastic gift and I'm so very thankful for it!!

Year 2019 definitely had its difficulties, but year 2019 also had beautiful moments in time that I'll never forget. Yes, I'm not fully healed, but maybe that's God's plan. I don't stop praying for complete healing and no problems walking, but at the same time, I try to focus on the moment I'm in and all the spectacular things God has done for me and given to me despite my problems with walking.

I saw several friends post this on Facebook. It's so true!! Thank you, Jesus for making me a fighter.

And, thank ALL of you reading this for your love and for following along on this journey with me. God's not done with me yet! May every one of you have a most blessed New Year and always remember, "God's Got This!".

Tune-In-Tuesday (but on a Monday!): December 23, 2019

I know it’s Monday and I usually do blog updates on Tuesday, but tomorrow is Christmas Eve, so I thought I’d update a day early. I still probably won’t get many readers (and that's OK!) as this is a very busy season, but for those of you reading - thank you! This will be a short post as there is not much to update on. The past week has been much better then weeks before. I’ve had issues at times, but overall walking has been easier. Thank you, Jesus! It’s allowed me to go shopping for Christmas presents and get things done.

I did fall last night. It was silly though. I was at home and got startled by something, lost my balance and fell. But I didn’t hurt myself and there was no one around to see me fall. 😉 All is good!

I’m sitting here tonight writing this blog with the glow of the Christmas tree and my Christmas village to look at. All the Christmas gifts are wrapped, and the house is clean.
I can’t help but smile and thank the Lord for all my blessings.

May each and every one of you reading this, along with all your family and friends have the most amazing and blessed Christmas. And may you always remember that God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: December 17, 2019

Walking was rough this past week, really rough. I may have accidentally contributed to it being rough as I was very impatient and adjusted the electricity in my deep brain stimulation system a couple of times. Since the week before last was rough as well, I decided to increase the electricity. On Wednesday, I increased it from 3.00 volts to 3.20 volts, but by Saturday I felt I was worse off then before. The thought came to me that maybe I didn’t need more electricity but less. I’ve mentioned this before, but when I get excited, walking gets harder. By “excited” I mean any type of excitement. It can be good excitement (holidays…) or bad excitement (anxiety…). In this case, it’s good. I’m excited about Christmas!! However, it does a number on me. It’s fascinating to me how the body works (or even malfunctions). I try to stay even keel, but if you really know me, you know that I’m not “wired” like that. – haha. 😊 So, like I said, by Saturday I decided to turn the electricity down to 2.90 volts. After a few days at that level, I began to think it wasn’t enough as I was having problems just getting my leg to move or my foot to take a step. My foot started dragging a little as well. It may have looked like I was stiff, but I was trying not to have my foot or leg spasm. UGH. So, this morning I went back to 3.00 volts – where I started from. It has been a good level before so I’m praying it’ll be a good level again. While walking is difficult, I am very, very thankful that I haven’t fallen. I’m also thankful to have a job where I watch TV all day – haha!!! 😉 I’m not a nurse or a teacher or a retail worker where I’m on my feet all day. See, even in the “little” things, God works everything out!

You may be wondering (or you may not be, which is totally fine too – just skip this part! 😉) why I went back and forth on the electricity the past week when I’m constantly harping on the fact that it takes two weeks to really see any results in my walking. The two- week time frame is 100% true, however, in the almost 4 years that I’ve had the deep brain stimulator, I’m able to gauge whether I think what I did (with the electricity) will actually end up working. And then (if I’m being completely honest!) there are the times when I’m just impatient and don’t feel like waiting two weeks. While my foot/leg may not see any immediate signs, my hand is a good indicator. The deep brain stimulator effects everything on my left side from my brain down so if my hand “curls” I’ve given myself too much electricity. If I can’t keep a grip, I need more electricity.

My main concentration when writing on this blog has been to update readers on my walking. But there are other things the dystonia affects that I rarely talk (blog) about. From time to time I also struggle with my hand, eye, shoulder and even my jaw. I’ll feel my left eye get droopy. My left shoulder aches at times and sometimes I clench my jaw so much that I cause myself headaches. And this is only on the left side of my body. My right-side functions perfectly normal. I’ve debated on writing about this because as much of an open book as I can be about stuff, there are times my introvert self comes out in full force and I get nervous about sharing. So anyway, I’m being a little more vulnerable tonight. 😉

Today (after adjusting the electricity) has not been magical. I didn’t just get up and leap for joy. In fact, I’ve felt like I went down in the amount of electricity I gave myself instead of up. Go figure! Oh well. This is only a season. It will get better. I must be patient and wait - two of the things I struggle with the most! Is this a coincidence? I highly doubt it!

Despite the walking difficulties, I’m enjoying these days leading up to Christmas as I hope you are too. We’re all struggling with something because we’re human, but always remember, God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: December 10, 2019

Unfortunately, I struggled with walking last week. I guess it was "time" as I had been experiencing some great weeks, but it still (literally) stops me in my tracks, when all the sudden, I start having major difficulty. I say it wasn't a very good week with walking, but I do have to say I didn't fall. Oops. Scratch that. As I was typing that sentence, I remembered I did fall once (in front of my mom!) at my parent's house on Sunday, but I'm blaming that on a rug - ha! I'm not really classifying that as a fall either, since I didn't hurt myself at all and I caught myself with the wall. I was more concerned about damaging any Christmas decorations then I was about anything else and thankfully none were!

So, it's been a rough week walking, but I'm still counting my blessings for I know many of my friends are going through things much worse than me having difficulty walking. I have to share what happened last night. I really, really needed to go Christmas shopping because the weekends seem to get away from me and it's getting closer to Christmas. I am ALL about shopping online but I needed to go to a physical store just to see what was out there and get ideas. So anyway, last night was my opportunity. Of course my opportunity comes on a really hard walking day. So I prayed. I prayed that there would be a cart next to a parking space that I could grab a hold of. It's not always a given that there will be a cart next to a parking spot at the particular store that I went to. I told a co-worker that I would take it as a sign I was supposed to shop if there was a cart because if there wasn't one, I would just drive home. I wasn't even going to try to walk in without one. I pull into the store's parking lot and there wasn't just one cart, but two and both at a handicap spot! Why am I SO SURPRISED?! God answered my prayer. He does this time and time again and yet I still get so surprised and so over-joyed every time. It's a small thing to most, but it's a huge thing to me. I was having a hard time on Sunday as well. There was a friend waiting to help me. That's another blessing from God. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for that even with a not-so-great week of walking, I can't help but thank the Lord for all the blessings He bestows upon me.

The above picture was actually on a desk calendar I have at work and it was so appropriate for this update that I had to share!

I hope everyone is having a blessed Christmas season. Always remember, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: December 3, 2019

Last week was another good week - praise Jesus! My "good" weeks may not look like much to someone else my age or really to anyone else but I'm thankful for them and for only having minimal problems. I've been noticing some of the sweetest things lately from my nieces. They walk with me out of church holding my hand. They'll even say, "Daddy, I'm walking Aunt Stephanie to her car." Or if we have communion at church, they'll hold my hand as we walk up to receive it and back to our seats. They'll ask to walk me to my car when we are at my parent's house and even if I don't need help, I will always say YES to walking with them. How did I get so blessed to have the sweetest little nieces ever?!

I had time off from work this past week to celebrate Thanksgiving, as I hope you did too. It was a wonderful time at my parents. All of my brothers and sisters-in-law and nieces and my grandmother were there. We ate yummy food and just enjoyed being together. Black Friday and the Saturday after were spent holed up in my house decorating for Christmas. My love of decorating for Christmas comes from my mom. I do all my decorating by myself and it really gives me a sense of accomplishment when it's all said and done. However, I'm feeling my age. I used muscles I didn't know I had. I don't know why I do this to myself but I store all my Christmas decorations in big bins that I can barely lift. Maybe it makes me feel stronger?! Haha - no! It only makes me pray harder that I can lift it and not fall. I only have to lift it once or twice (to stack it on another bin) because thankfully the bin is on rollers, but still that one or two times has me praying hard. All of my muscles are still hurting and it's Tuesday! But, I do have all my decorations up, save for the star that goes on the top of my tree and I'm saving that for one of my brothers or my Dad to help me with. I tried putting it on myself and almost brought down the whole Christmas tree with it, so I'd rather have help then have a floor full of broken ornaments. I got a half an inch taller tree last year (7.5 feet vs. 7 foot) and realized that the star doesn't fit because there's not enough ceiling space. My dad rigged it up last year, so I hope he or my brothers can rig it up again this year. I just don't know what else to buy. It's a one size fits all kind of thing, right?!

I haven't had any falls, even with decorating my house, so I'm very thankful for that. I'm just all-around thankful for all the good things in life that God has blessed me with. I hope all of you have had a very thankful Thanksgiving season and that you will have a very blessed and holy Christmas season.

Thanks for reading and always remember, God's Got This!

Tune-In Tuesday: November 26, 2019

This post won't be long because I've had a good week (yay!) and it's Thanksgiving week (yay again!), so I'm sure most people won't be reading this post. :) However, since it is Thanksgiving week, I did want to say how very thankful I am that you read this blog. I know you don't have to, so it makes me very grateful that you do. There a million other things for you to read or catch up on or do, so the fact that you take the time to stop and read, well, it means the world to me - THANK YOU!! When it seems like all I can do sometimes is write, it's a blessing to me to know that you care enough to read. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Thank you for also for encouraging me, giving advice, praying for me, letting me know you read, helping me - all of it. I'm extremely humbled.

Also, this is really, really random, but it truly is a small world. My sister-in-law met the wife of my neurologist. I know that's not that uncommon, but I still found it amusing.

I'll leave you with the verse of the day that I read this morning:

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

Powerful stuff!! May each of you have a very blessed Thanksgiving and always remember, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: November 19, 2019

It’s been a pretty good week, this past week. Walking comes and goes. I’m still mainly in a good walking phase, so I’m very thankful for that, but some days are better than others. 😉 I haven’t fallen, so that’s kind of where I gauge myself sometimes. However, I can tell I’m getting older. It’ll be twenty years on December 19 from when I had a really bad car accident that could have been fatal. My mom and I both suffered fractured pelvises in that accident. I’ve recently self-diagnosed (not recommended, I might add. Do as I say, not as I do.) myself with arthritis in that hip, or something to that effect. Weather effects it. I can tell when it’s about to rain or get cold by whether my hip hurts. Unfortunately for me, it’s my right hip. Which means it’s my “good” hip. The left side of my body is the side that’s effected by dystonia. All this to say, I know I’m not walking “correctly” which means I’m putting undue stress and/or weight on that right hip causing it to hurt more. But, there’s really nothing I can do about the situation except learn to walk correctly again. Such is life! And, just so no one worries, I “self-diagnosed” myself correctly. My internist confirmed it.

Last Thursday I had a bad nose bleed. 'Tis the season, right? Does anyone else get bloody noses this time of year? I usually don’t get worried or panicked about them, but I’d just had a conversation with my doctor brother about them and I couldn’t remember whether he said it was nose bleeds in adults or kids that are kind of worrisome, so I texted him. I know he probably hates when he gets medical questions from me, but I’m thankful he knows what he’s talking about. And just as I had suspected, it was nothing to worry about.

I got new shoes! For me, this is huge because once I find a pair of shoes that fit my feet and I feel comfortable walking around in, I’m a lifer with them. My mom picked these out and they’re “fun” shoes, not every day shoes. I’ve worn them twice now and each time I’m amazed that I can walk in them. I actually felt pretty in them and they made me happy. It’s the little things!



In Sunday School on Sunday we read in Mark 9 about the father who pleads with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus’ disciples were unable to heal the boy:

He (the father of the boy who is sick) says (to Jesus) “But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us. “’If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for the one who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9: 22-24

It’s so easy sometimes for me to pray for miracles in other’s lives with faith as firm as anything, but when it comes to praying for a miracle in my life, I sometimes falter. I know God can and does perform miracles, but I’m constantly asking Him to help me overcome my unbelief. I don’t know – this lesson really hit home with me this week. I hope you’re able to get out of it what God wants you to get out of it too just by reading it here.

It's been a good week and I am thankful!
May your week be blessed and always remember – God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: November 12, 2019

I took a little break last week and didn't blog - mainly because Tuesday came and I had so many things going on. I had an appointment after work and didn't get home until 7:30 pm and when I sat down to write a blog entry nothing came to me. I literally sat staring at a blank computer screen for a few minutes before deciding to just not blog. But, I'm back this week. Thankfully, there's not much to update people on. Like clockwork, last week when I hit the two week mark (from adjusting the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device), I could tell a difference and it was a good difference. I'm so very, very thankful!! Of course, not every situation is good, but overall, walking is much, much better - thank you, Jesus! And as a reference for me (in case I have to scour blog entries to remember what was a good level - don't laugh, I've done it before!), I'm on Frequency A at 3.00 volts.

A couple of Sundays ago, one of my nieces asked if she could hold my hand as we walked out of church into the parking lot. It almost made me cry. How sweet. I know there will come a day when my nieces won't want to hold my hand or hang out with me, so I'm relishing the moments while they are here.

The below picture, I stole from a friend's Facebook page. I just keep re-reading. I hope it helps someone else as much as it has me!

And to end this post (I know, it's short!), I'll leave you with this: As I was leaving work tonight, I thought about what I was going to blog about. I prayed that God would help me come up with something to fill this space. No sooner had I prayed those words then I quickly amended them: "Lord, please don't let me trip, slip or fall on my way to my car tonight. I want something to blog about, but I don't want that!" And He answered. I didn't trip, slip or fall and I had something to write about. God is good.

Always remember, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: October 29, 2019

Gosh, I love what the above says. I KNOW God has good plans for me, but sometimes I just get lost in the weeds. On hard days, I just have to cling to the hope and the promise that He works ALL THINGS together for His good. So, I put my trust in Him.

The past week had its struggles, boy did it have its struggles, but on the walking front, I'm happy to report that I'm slowly (emphasis on SLOWLY) walking a little better. Now, if you see me, it might not look like I'm doing better, but believe me, I can feel it. Of course, not every second of every day is good, but I'm hopeful (please, God, let it be!) that I'm entering a good walking period. I didn't adjust the amount of electricity or the frequency that I'm on.

I had someone tell me again last week that I should write a book. I've seriously thought about it and even prayed about it, so who knows. Every time I pray about it, I ask God to give me a sign. But maybe ya'll are the signs? Maybe every person who's said I should write a book is a sign? I don't want to get a big head about it though. I do love encouraging people through words on a page (or, I guess in this case, a blog), but I struggle. I wrestle with what to put in these posts and what to keep close to my heart. I am kind of laughing to myself as I write this, because I took a video on October 20 to show people what happens when I turn the electricity in my brain up or down and I'm STILL wrestling with whether to post it! I tried posting it on the blog, but even though I trimmed it down, it's still too big of a file to upload here. So, if I post it, you'll have to see it on Facebook. Maybe I watch too much TV (OK, that's not even a maybe, that's a flat-out yes, I watch too much TV!), but I keep thinking if I share certain things will people use that against me somehow? When is sharing, oversharing? But I've been pretty open about my DBS surgeries and the struggle, so I do feel like I kind of owe it to people to say what's going on. There are definitely areas I keep private, but with DBS, I feel like I should encourage others - hence the blog. Actually, that's not true. Haha. The real reason I started the blog was that I got worn out telling my story over and over again. ;) Not that I don't like talking about it (I mean, I write mini books here on this blog every week!), but in my core I'm an introvert and it's much, much, MUCH easier for me to spill my guts in a blog post than face-to-face sometimes. Also, with a blog (or a book), people can read at their own pace, people can ignore it and I'm not bugging people with it. If you want to read and follow along - fantastic! If not, you're not hurting my feelings. There are of course other areas of my life that I don't share anything about. I try to keep this blog mainly about deep brain stimulation and dystonia, but I've delved into other areas at times too.

I saw this on someone's Facebook today and it is so what I'm going through right now:

What do I mean by "going through"? I mean - even when walking is good - there are other areas of my life that aren't as "perfect" (or at least up to par) as I'd like them to be. Truth be told, I've been going through a rough spot. The devil seems to be on me all the time, watching and waiting for one slight misstep on my part, to drill into me that I'm not worthy. I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not good enough and on and on and on. I know it's all lies, but sometimes I feel as if God is silent when I pray that things will get better or happen differently. BUT, the above reminder by C.S. Lewis reminded that every day I must give myself over to God and rely on Him. Even when I think He's silent He has a purpose for everything.

Sheesh - I had no idea that this post was going to turn out the way it did tonight. I literally just sat at my computer and started typing. I hope something I've said helps someone who reads this. I do know that in everything, God's Got This and that is what I cling to!

Tune-In-Tuesday: October 22, 2019

The past week was once again, tough. (Broken record?!) Walking is just hard. Walking without falling is harder. I didn't fall, but it's just been a hard week. I'll leave it at that. I had yoga on Friday night and pretty much made up my mind that I was going to experiment with the electricity again. My foot wouldn’t bend at all. There must be a happy medium somewhere, right? I don’t want my foot so “tight” that it won’t bend at all, but I don’t want it so “loose” that I don’t have any control over it.

Saturday, I experimented. I went to the lowest setting on Frequency A and then to the highest. The highest was way too high and the lowest was way too low, but I settled on 3.00 volts on Frequency A. I'm still determining if that was the best decision - ha! It was a leap from what I had been on: 3.60 volts. However, during the experimenting, when I landed back on 3.60 it was still way too much, so that's how I ended up at 3.00. Only time will tell. God's trying to teach me patience again and I'm still a slow learner in that department. ;) I didn't experiment with any other frequency although I have at least two (maybe three) others that I could switch to. I'll leave those for another day.

But for all the complaining and frustrations, I must remember from where I came. I'm not using a walker anymore. All I wanted from the deep brain stimulation surgery was to be able to use a cane to get around with and I don't even use that (although maybe I should at times). I've exceeded my initial goal. My goal keeps moving though (doesn't everybody's? If you reach one goal, you set a new one...) and I know that's where my frustration stems from. As one of my former neurologists used to tell me every single time I saw him, "Rome wasn't built in a day, Stephanie."

My dad had these lines in his sermon Sunday "Praying most often does not get us what we want, but what God wants. And what He wants for us is always good. We should persevere in praying because God's timing is also involved as well. God's timing is always right. Don't quit (praying). He hears, He acts."

God's still in control. He's still good.
God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: October 15, 2019

I kind of feel like I’m sounding like a broken record, but here I am again saying walking was a struggle last week and continues to be in to this week. However, I did not fall. Yay! I felt like falling a million times, but I did not fall. Praise Jesus! My walking has not really been good though. I’ve felt like adjusting the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device many times, but I have refrained. Maybe the playing with it is what’s made walking more difficult? Maybe it’s the change in weather? Maybe it’s this or maybe it’s that. All I know is that I drive myself crazy trying to pinpoint it when really all I need to do is leave it in God’s hands and He’ll take care of it. It’s SO MUCH EASIER to say that then to actually live it out. But this is why God is God and I am not. 😉

If the week had to be summed up in one word it would be: stairs. So many stairs. I don’t have issues going up stairs (for the most part), but I do have issues going down them and this week I’ve been tested with stairs.

I went to a concert (Thomas Rhett – a country singer) with my Mom this past Thursday. We had seats one row from the very top of the arena where he performed. Climbing up was pretty good, but what goes up must come down and going down wore me out! But, you’ve got to take the bad with the good and the good definitely outweighed the bad in that scenario. We started with seats one row from the top of the arena and ended with FLOOR seats 30 rows from the stage. I wish I had counted how many stairs I had to descend to get to those floor seats, but in the end it didn’t matter because I made it and had FLOOR SEATS!!!!!!!!!!! I was, however, a sweaty mess – ha!

This past week the elevator at work has been having maintenance work done on it. There are two elevators in the building, but (from where I park) to get to the other elevator involves more walking than I’ve desired to do, so I’ve been braving the stairs. I usually always take the stairs up but usually always take the elevator down. Thankfully, I’m only on the second floor, so it’s not that big of deal.

I’ve been in kind of a funk yesterday and today. I don’t like being in that kind of mood, but that’s where I’ve been. Again, I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out why I’m feeling like this, but I’d rather just trust Jesus that the funk will go away. I do tend to get melancholy when I can’t walk. But as the saying goes, “this too shall pass.” It’s at these times that I try NOT to focus on myself but on others and their wants and needs. I don’t always succeed at this, but when I do it definitely pulls me out of whatever funk I’m in.

I saw this quote somewhere and it struck me as TRUTH:

Sometimes, when I really, really don’t want to read the Bible and I just want to sink down into the lies Satan is targeting me with - if I read the Bible anyway, I get such gems. God never disappoints. Here’s just a couple of examples:

“As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy." James 5:11

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.” Psalms 94:18

Just typing those verses has put me in a better mood already! With that, I'll end this post. Always remember: God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: October 8, 2019

I turned the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device down last week on Tuesday and promptly fell walking into work on Thursday. Sheesh. A guy came up behind me and asked if I was OK and if I needed help. This time, I surprised myself and said yes (to both!). He literally pulled me up off the ground and got me standing again. While I get super embarrassed when I fall and usually don't want any help, this time I was so very thankful for his help. I have no idea what the purpose in me falling is, but I choose to believe it’s in God’s plan for me. So, I (or in this case a co-worker 😉) pick myself up, wipe the blood from my knee and stand firm in the knowledge that God loves me more than anyone or anything and there is a greater purpose for my pain.

As I made it to my desk after falling, God let me in on a little secret: He gave me my specific body as is because He knew (with His help) that I could handle it. He knew that I could take care of it, that I could deal with the issues that it causes and He knew that I was the perfect person to handle every aspect of it. Have you ever thought like that before? It completely opened my eyes. I was no longer ashamed of it. God made me. My body is His gift to me. So I should treasure it, take care of it and know that with His help, I can handle whatever happens to it, BECAUSE HE SAID I CAN. (I hope this makes sense and doesn't just sound weird -ha! It truly was an eye-opening experience for me. I love when God lets us in on stuff like this! It changed my entire perspective.)

Interestingly enough, on Wednesday, I felt like my walking was improving. However, I did had a massive headache. It wasn't from the deep brain stimulation! I don’t normally get headaches (which I’m very thankful for), but this one at points made me feel nauseous. I thought back to the night of my deep brain stimulation surgery. Hands down, that was probably the most pain I’ve ever been in. While thinking of that, it made me appreciate that my headache was NOTHING like that pain – haha. It was just a normal headache that everyone gets occasionally and to which I stubbornly didn’t take any medicine for, so really, I can’t complain about it. 😉 At Wednesday night church Mom noticed my knee. It was all bruised (but not bloodied – because this was BEFORE my fall on Thursday). It was bruised from my fall the week before. I guess that I’ve gotten so used to what it looks like that I don’t even give it a second thought. The good news about falling this time around was that the nerve pain I mentioned in last week’s post, is completely gone. Maybe it’s just that the pain from skinning my knee is worse?! Whatever the case, the nerve pain isn’t there anymore.

On Saturday, I walked OK. I think that was partially due to wearing tennis shoes and only going places where I could errands while holding onto a shopping cart when needed. But I made it to a couple of yard sales too, so I wasn't holding on to carts all day.

Sunday, I had help in to church. I was carrying a ton of stuff. I thought I could carry it all in one box, but it turned out the box was too heavy, so I divvied it up into bags. I was bringing in peanut butter for “Peanut Butter Sunday” and candy for “Trunk or Treat”. I specifically prayed that there would be someone to help me and without a shadow of doubt, I knew there would be. I didn’t know who, but I knew God would provide and He did! Susan – thank you SO, SO much for your help. You were an answer to prayer.

Certainly, since turning down the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device, I’ve noticed differences. It’s very, very hard to explain, unless you’ve been through it, so (at least in this post), I’m not going to try and explain it, except to say that I didn’t feel like I had control over some of my muscles, so this morning I made the decision to return to the setting I was on before I turned the electricity down last week. So, I’m back to being on Frequency A at 3.60 volts. It’s the lesser of two evils (so to speak). While neither is “perfect”, I know I’ve had positive results on this level and maybe being on the other level for a week, “reset” the system? Probably not, but I’m grasping at straws here. So, I’ll try this level again.

Oh sure, I’m frustrated, but in the end, I know I was built for this. I know that God is in control. I know He has a bigger purpose for me than I can even imagine and most importantly, I know that GOD’S GOT THIS!

Tune-In-Tuesday: October 1, 2019

I am not going to lie; the past week was a little rough. I fell again. This time it was on Wednesday in the hallway at church. Thankfully, only one person saw me, and he didn’t see me fall (I don’t think), he came after. He asked if I was OK and I was. I didn’t bleed, so I consider that a win.😊 It wasn’t until I went up for Communion later that night and I kneeled down that I realized, I must of bruised something. Can you bruise a nerve? As weird as that sounds, that’s what it feels like. It’s not pain but it’s like a nerve got damaged or bruised or aggravated. I also have a nice bruise on my arm where I caught the wall on the way down.

This morning - on a whim - I decided to turn the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device down. My rational on that is this: I haven’t been walking well for a few weeks now. I tend to walk without bending my knee because I feel more supported that way. That’s not good, but I feel if my knee bends, my foot will spasm. I’m also walking on the outer edge of my foot. Basically, my foot isn’t laying flat when I walk. My left hand has also been giving me problems, by curling/cramping up – all signs that I might have too much electricity. I also thought that maybe a “jolt” (AKA just doing something different with the electricity) in my system would help. So, down I went. I kept myself on the same frequency – A but went down one “point”: from 3.60 volts to 3.50 volts. I also decided today to take the batteries out of my DBS remote. I keep the remote in my purse, but inevitably it inadvertently gets turned on and off being crammed in there and every time I go to use the remote, the batteries are dead. So, I’m keeping the batteries in my purse, but will only put them in when I need to use the remote. Maybe one day, I won’t carry the remote with me, but it still gives me comfort that if I need to change the amount of electricity I give myself ASAP, I can do it (if the batteries aren't dead!). I prayed this morning that God would lead me to what He wants me to write about tonight in this post. But then I quickly made an addendum and asked that it NOT include me falling – haha. Sometimes, being very specific with God is good.

God’s been showing up for me big time this past week in the form of people to help me along the way. Grant it, I can walk, and with God’s grace, I will make it to wherever I need to go, however, I won’t decline help unless I absolutely do not need it (and let me tell you, this past week I needed it). Sunday, a friend helped me into church. Last night I had help getting in to and out of a funeral at church. If you are the people that I’m talking about (past and present!), please know that I appreciate you so much!! It’s hard to not be as independent as I would like and sometimes, I get overwhelmingly frustrated, but then I have to turn the way I see the situation around and be thankful for the “extra” time spent with friends/family who come to help out. Thank you to all of you who have and continue to help!

One of my work besties, Sarah, put a smile on my face this week by donating money to Down with Dystonia. It's a charitable organization that does research on dystonia. Our company donates on behalf of us to different charitable organizations that we choose. She donated on behalf of me. I have the SWEETEST friends. Thank you, Sarah.

This is the verse of the day that popped up today in my Bible app:

I thought it so appropriate. I even prayed that I would have compassion, kindness and patience with my body. I’m all too often talking very harsh to myself. I am my own worst critic and find every flaw. But, God’s given me this body as a gift. He specifically gave it to ME. Therefore, He trusts me with it. He knows that with him, I can handle it. He wants me to be kind to it, to nourish it, to love it, flaws and all. Sometimes, that is very, very hard for me to do, but I continually try to work on it. I have many rough patches, but there again, I’m still a work in progress. We all are – as long as we are alive on this earth – we are works-in-progress.

Always remember, God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: September 24, 2019

The past week has been somewhat of a mixed bag. I’ve not had the best walking. I even fell once (didn’t get hurt, just fell because I tripped over my own two feet trying to keep up – ha!). I always seem to have worse days when I’m the most excited. According to doctors, this does actually make sense. It doesn't make it any better for me, but at least it's normal.

Friday, I learned how to play pool. I know, I’m a late bloomer. It’s a lot harder then I imagined, made all that more difficult when my hand doesn’t want to cooperate. However, my co-workers were patient and awesome. Did you know that writer’s cramp is dystonia? Not that I had writer’s cramp while trying to play pool, but it’s the closest thing I can compare it to.

I had a physical yesterday and I had diagnosed my shoulder pain correctly. Its dystonia related and the best advice was to not lay on that shoulder. I got a flu shot yesterday in my left arm, so that definitely reminded me not to lay on that shoulder last night. Oh, if you’ve been reading these blogs for any length of time, you know that I tend to have high blood pressure when I see doctors (that “white coat syndrome" is for real!! After I finally calm down, it goes down.). Well, yesterday, my BP was 106/70. The nurse practitioner actually used the words “low blood pressure.” Maybe, I’m finally getting used to seeing doctors? Maybe it was the fact that I got a great parking spot and was not late? Maybe it was a mistake? Maybe it was God. 😊 The physical went great and I'm thankful for that.

Tying into the whole medical thing – it’s premiere week on TV and I’m a HUGE fan of anything medical. My watch list (so far) consists of:
Mondays: 911 on Fox, The Good Doctor on ABC
Tuesdays: The Resident on Fox, New Amsterdam on NBC
Wednesdays: Chicago Med on NBC
Thursdays: Grey’s Anatomy (but I can take or leave this show. In my opinion it’s gone down from what it used to be and it’s more soapy than medical).

Are there any shows I’m missing? I really want to see the new show Carol’s Second Act that stars Patricia Heaton, but it’s not airing yet. If there are any new medical dramas coming out, I’m sure I’ll love them too.

Oh- I started yoga back up! I had a month “off” because my instructor was in Spain teaching yoga there. I can’t tell you how much I loved starting back up. It really does help (and a few years ago, I would never have said that because I didn’t know anything about yoga). I’m so blessed to be able to do it and have the instructor that I have and be able to do it one-on-one with her. If I make mistakes or fall or can’t do something, it’s just between myself and her. 😉 She’s always cheering me on and encouraging me to try things.

My church is now blessed to have a new associate pastor! His installation service was this past Sunday and the theme of it was beautiful feet. It was based on Romans 10-14-15, which refers to one of my favorite Bible verses (especially since dealing with walking issues). “How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, “Your God reigns.” Isaiah 52:7.

It’s been a busy, hectic week with lots going on and walking has not been the easiest. I want to go fast. I want to run and jump or for heaven’s sake just walk fast, but God has other plans, so I’m slow and methodical and sometimes unbalanced, but it’s OK, because at the end of every day, I reflect over the days adventures and know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I’ve met a lot more people being slow and methodical then I ever would have being in a rush. I’ve prayed longer and harder and more fervently then I ever would have if everything in life came easy.

I’ve been all over the map with this post tonight, but sometimes that’s just how life is. 😊 Thanks for reading and as always…God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: September 17, 2019

After a few weeks of “normal” walking, my walking has gone back to being an issue. While I know “this too shall pass”, I really want it to pass quickly.

I had to go to the Apple Store because my phone was giving me issues. The Apple Store here is in the mall. While I “chickened out” on going on Friday night, I made the trip on Saturday. There were a few times that I almost fell, but the key word here is almost. I walked in the mall, ya’ll! Even before Friday and Saturday, I’d been having issues. But some things you must do, and you find a way to do them, so off to the mall I went. I probably should have taken a cane, but I didn’t. With God’s grace, I made it. I walked around the mall. Oh yes, it was hard, I’m not going to lie. I was sweating by the end of my trip. But you know what? GOD PROVIDED. I didn’t fall. After conquering that, I felt brave enough to go return an item at another store (outside of the mall). I couldn’t get a cart until I was in the store which meant walking into the store on my own two feet and you know what? GOD PROVIDED. I walked and didn’t fall.

I might have overdone walking on Saturday because walking on Sunday was just awful. I had two friends spot me walking into church and both came to offer an arm. My friend, Laura got to me first though, so I walked in with her. I made it through the rest of the day with minimal issues. I thought that my phone issues were behind me, but alas, they were not. Ugh. I knew I had to make another trip back to the Apple store in the mall. So, I trekked back out there late Sunday afternoon. I couldn’t go to the mall until after 4pm. I knew that it closed at 6pm. I really didn’t want to have to walk it again - especially knowing that I was having much difficulty. (Side note: as I was typing that sentence it occurred to me what an odd sentence it is – I didn’t want to have to walk the mall again. Be thankful if you can do that because not everyone can without some difficulty!) It all worked out in the end. I walked (however awkward or slow, I still did it) and I got my phone fixed (HA! By trading it in and spending money I didn’t want to spend, but nevertheless it’s fixed.). The mall closed at 6pm. I was there until 7pm, so yeah, fun times at the Apple store! 😉 I was very thankful that there weren’t many people exiting the mall when I did because walking was hard. But again, GOD PROVIDED.

If you know anything about me, you know that I get lost wherever I go. And I do mean WHEREVER I GO, including the mall. My mom told me where the Apple store was in the mall, but that didn’t matter, I still got lost! (Driving wise, I got to the mall fine – I know where it is. Walking inside of the mall is where I got lost.) I don’t know if this is for every mall, but a handy feature that I discovered my mall has is that it provides a map on its website that you can type in a store you’re starting at and the store you want to go to and it gives you walking directions!!! I can’t believe I’m even admitting that I got lost (Saturday, NOT Sunday when I went back!), but just in case anyone else local needs that info about the map, there you go! Waiting for church to start on Sunday, I had just finished telling my friend Whitney about the whole experience. A little while later as my dad began his sermon, he started with a story about getting lost. I immediately turned around and caught Whitney’s eye and we both start quietly giggling. This has happened more than once: I don’t know what my Dad is preaching on, but we somehow, end up on the same wavelength. 😉

Walking was not good yesterday either, however, I managed. This morning I had to go to my primary care doctor to get bloodwork done before a physical next week. He moved offices from the last time I saw him. Well, I guess you can imagine what happened next. Yes, I got lost. I knew the building he was in, but the parking confused me. I ended up parking in the correct garage, just on the opposite side of where his office is at. I’m glad there was no set appointment time that I had to be there at, but seriously, my sense of direction is non-existent. I’ve got to laugh about it, or I’d cry. But now I know where I’m going and (hopefully) won’t get lost on Monday. Does anyone else struggle with this? Getting lost? Thank God for GPS systems and written out directions, but still. A little sense of direction would be helpful. I’m a little jealous of those that have an innate sense of direction. My mom is one of those people. She can even sense when she’s not going the right way. Me? Not so much.

Other than getting lost and not walking so well, the past week has been great. It really has! I don't say that lightly. I'm very aware that things could be much worse and so I'm very thankful for all that God blesses me with.

As I sit here tonight writing this post, I’m reminded of this:

I only get through the rough days because God gets me through them. I am constantly amazed at the end of the day how He works everything out. I shouldn’t be amazed – He’s God and can do literally ANYTHING, but at the same time, I’m thankful that He allows me to be amazed at what He’s done for me.

God’s (most certainly, definitely!!) Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: September 10, 2019

I didn’t blog last week because things were hectic around here and honestly, I couldn’t come up with anything to write about. But, I’m back this week! I’ve had a good couple of weeks. Walking – for the most part – has been stable for which I’m very grateful.

I was speaking with someone last Friday and in the course of the conversation, I told her about my ongoing issues regarding getting “shy” or “embarrassed” or just plain having difficulty walking “correctly” in front of people. And although many before her have told me this (you reading this probably being one of them!), for whatever reason, it wasn’t until she said it that it finally started to sink in. She said that when she sees me walk, she sees just that – me walking. There’s no, “Oh she’s walking, but it’s different then everyone else.” Or “What’s wrong with her walking?” Or “She’s having difficulty." This person also told me that she sees me as a (literal) walking miracle. It almost made me cry. I should know that most people just see me for me, because that's how I see others. However, I have a HORRIBLE habit of putting thoughts and words in other people that they may or may not be thinking or saying. Does that make sense? I judge myself harshly through what I think other people are thinking or saying about me, whether they are actually thinking or saying those things or not. I'm getting better at not doing this, but it's still prevalent. My heart needs to tell my head NOT to overthink things. I still get extremely nervous walking in front of people and it makes me laugh because growing up I wanted to be an actress. I wanted the lights on me, and I wanted people to know who I was. My how things change with age (and hopefully, wisdom)!

I sometimes feel funny about blogging about how difficult it is to walk when friends of mine are going through unimaginable circumstances, however I do hope that I make someone laugh or think or feel better through something I say or do or write about.

On Sunday, I found out that I am not the only one who prays about getting a parking spot close to the entrance of church! You may laugh at that, but I’m not lying when I say that I pray about that very thing almost every Sunday. And last Sunday, someone told me that she prays for the exact same thing for herself. I love how God works. Also, on Sunday, I got to walk in to church with a woman that I dearly love. She made the comment that I was walking well. I told her it was only because she was standing there by me. I knew if I needed to that I could hang on to her! As for the praying, I usually pray that I’ll get a handicap parking space close to the entrance and that if I need help getting in that God would provide that or if He thinks I can do it on my own that I will just walk well. I pray walking in to and out of work that I won’t trip, slip or fall, get stuck, startled or scared and that I’ll remain upright. And now you have a tiny glimpse into how much I pray about not falling. 😉 Yes, I can use the cane, but that wouldn’t entirely keep me from falling – nothing’s fool proof, except God!

As just a little follow up: my shoulder pain is still there but it’s not all the time and it really only hurts the worse when I lay on it (like rolling over on it) at night, so I’m really leaning towards it being something related to the dystonia. I'll have the doctor look at it when I go in at the end of the month.

I love this quote that I found for it is most certainly true:

God’s Got This!! Have a blessed week.

Tune-In-Tuesday: August 27, 2019

I think I’ve mentioned this on the blog before, but since it’s been bothering me again this past week, I’m writing about it again. Of all things, my shoulder has been causing me problems. Mostly, I talk about my walking on here, but alas, it’s my shoulder this time. The reason I’m writing about it here is because I think it might have something to do with the dystonia. I could be completely wrong (after all, I’m not an M.D. – ha!), but it’s my left shoulder (the left side of my body is where the dystonia is), and it’s on the side that I have the battery inserted for the deep brain stimulation system (which carries with it wires). Anyway, it aches. It’s not a stabbing pain. It might not be the dystonia at all though. I broke my collar bone when I was born. Yes – when I was born. I was literally born broken 😉 (There’s a metaphor in there somewhere!). I asked my parents once which side I broke, and they couldn’t remember, but they think it was my left side. (There are no pictures of me in a sling or anything, so did this even happen?!?!) So, maybe it’s arthritis? I could have messed it up doing yoga. I could have messed it up just being myself. 😉 My dilemma is this: I don’t want to go to the doctor about it when I already have a planned physical at the end of September. So, instead of doing the responsible thing and going to the doctor, I’m writing about it here. 😊 The weird thing is, it doesn’t hurt every day - which kind of leads me to believe that it is due to either dystonia or arthritis – neither of which my primary care doctor can really do anything about, so I’ll stop complaining and just wait until I see him in September. (It took me 323 words to complain about that!). Interestingly enough, my shoulder is NOT hurting today, but it was yesterday.

Another thing that I’ve mentioned on here before, but that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately is the yips. A guy I go to church with asked me a while ago if I had ever heard of the yips. I had, but didn’t really know what it was, so he explained. It’s really in reference to golfing (which I know NOTHING about. My favorite golfing is putt-putt 😊), but the concept can be related to anything really. The definition of yips according to the dictionary is “a state of extreme nervousness that causes a golfer to miss an easy putt.” I also got this definition of the yips from Wikipedia: “The yips is the loss of fine motor skills in athletes. The condition occurs suddenly and without apparent explanation, usually in mature athletes with years of experience. It is poorly understood and has no known treatment or therapy.” So, in my case I relate it to walking fine and then “feeling” someone staring at me (whether they really are or it’s just a figment of my imagination) and instantly having issues walking again. Dystonia is definitely physical, but I definitely have “yips” moments.

I found this quote on the Internet and I love it:

To put a Christian spin on it: I am so, so very grateful for everything that God has, is and will see me through - half of which I probably have no idea He's saved me from! So, I'm sorry I've been complaining in this post. I feel like this was a bummer blog entry, but I’m really not in a bummer mood. The last week has been pretty good. I didn’t fall. I didn’t have any massive issues. So, please don’t get the idea that I’m all depressed over here because I am not! It’s just that sometimes I have to write about the “bummer” things so that I have a record of them. God’s been good, is good and continues to be good to me every single day. His mercies are new every morning and at the end of every day, I look back on what He’s seen me through during the day and I am so very thankful.

As always…God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: August 20, 2019

It's been a good week! I relish the days that walking comes easier and this past week, walking has been easier. I savor those days and try to remember them on the days where walking is really, really hard.

I do have to tell a rather funny story that happened this past Sunday. I was taking my time (as I do ALL the time - ha!) getting into church. I was walking by myself and though it wasn't without issue, I was doing well. A fellow church-goer came up beside me and we started talking. By this time it was just a couple minutes before 9:30am church time, or in my case (and the gentleman I was walking and talking with) 15 minutes before Sunday School time. So we're walking and talking and there's no one behind us in the walkway until there were! I could hear people behind me, so I stopped and turned around (because I can't fluidly do that at the same time without losing my balance.) I don't know where all these people came from but it felt like 50 people were behind us! So, I immediately hopped out of the way and told everyone behind me just to pass me. I greeted a lot of people that morning as they passed me. :) And it's just another example of how slow I walk. But I walk. My gait's different, but I walk. I can't do things automatically, but I walk. Sometimes I fall (not this last week!), but I get back up. I am blessed. Yes, most certainly blessed.

I found a few sayings on Facebook that friends of mine shared and I thought I'd share them here as well.
This one hit me deep:

I'm still praying for a miracle - that I'll be able to walk without issue, but God's ways are not always my ways and maybe He's trying to teach me something in the waiting for a miracle. So, yeah, this one stopped me in my tracks.

This next one just made me laugh and also comforted me at the same time:

Thank you, God for factoring in my stupidity!! :)

No matter what, God is good. No matter what, God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: August 13, 2019

This past week has been good. Walking was easier and I’m thankful. Then yesterday and today came and I’m back to struggling a little more – oh well! Sometimes there is no rhythm or reason. It is what it is.

Most, if not all of you that read this blog, know that my dad is a pastor. I hope he doesn’t get mad at me for talking about him in this post, but he had a sermon this past Sunday that I’m still chewing on. The title was “The Remedy for Anxiety” based on Luke 12:22-34. It was really, really good and I’m not just saying that because he’s my dad. I promise! I felt so at peace after hearing it because God’s Got This! I was trying to just pick one or two verses to post here from the Luke passage but they are all SO GOOD. So, I’m going to have to include ALL of them:

“[Jesus] said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. (23) For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. (24) Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! (25) And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? (26) If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? (27) Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. (28) But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! (29) And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. (30) For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. (31) Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you. (32) Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom. (33) Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. (34) For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

My dad’s the pastor, not me, so if you’d like to hear his sermon from Sunday you can listen to it here: The Remedy For Anxiety 
I promise, it’s worth the listen. I was overwhelmed with God’s peace after hearing it, so I want to share it with you.

Like I said earlier, my week has been pretty good. I did injure myself though. My first thought after doing it was, “You didn’t even fall!” 😉 I injured myself working out – haha! Someone (who shall remain nameless) was at my house on Friday and asked if they could sit on my stationary bike. I said yes, but in the process of sitting on it, they adjusted the seat. So, when I went to workout on Saturday, I forgot that the seat had been moved and I ended up slamming my knee into the console and man, did it hurt! It bled too. But, I’m OK! It still hurts, but it’s getting better!

I think that’s it for this week. I’m blessed no matter what and I know without a shadow of a doubt that, God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: August 6, 2019

UPDATE: 8/7/19 How could I forget this?! Oh my goodness. I had to update this post first thing this morning because I didn't make mention of THE most important thing that happened last week. God brought it to my mind this morning. Last Wednesday night instead of our usual service at church we had one of praying and anointing based off James 5:14: "Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord." All those who were weak and heavy burdened could come. Whether spiritually, emotionally or physically sick, we could come and be prayed for and anointed with oil. THAT'S why I've walked so much better this week. Lord, please forgive me for forgetting this last night when I initially wrote this post. It's all about Jesus, ya'll. He's the reason I walk. He's the reason I can find joy even when walking isn't great. God's Got This!
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ORIGINAL: 8/6/19 The past week has been pretty good. I’m walking better - yay! I didn’t change anything (medicine or electricity). I’m just walking better. Of course, I have moments where walking is difficult but overall, walking has been a bit easier and I’m so very grateful for that.

Before I write a blog post, I ask God to let me know what I should blog about (and to recall things that happened throughout the week). Some weeks I have a lot to update on and the words just come to me. Other weeks, there’s not a lot to update on or stories to tell and I look at a blank screen wondering what I should write about. If you follow the blog, you know I always come up with something to write about, but some weeks are harder than others. This past week was one of those weeks that was pretty good, and I don’t have a lot to write about. But if you ask God what you should write about, you should be ready for Him to answer 😉. Take for instance tonight. As I was walking out of work, I noticed that there was a car parked in one of the very front spots in the parking lot. It was an Uber waiting on someone. At the very moment I noticed the Uber, I stumbled a little, but I caught myself and I didn’t fall. Then all the sudden I noticed the Uber driver had leaped out of his car and was walking towards me. He asked if he could help me with anything. He might have thought I was the one who had called an Uber, but no matter the circumstances, he still asked if there was anything he could do for me. There wasn’t anything he could help me with as I was within steps of my own car and my walking had gotten better. Sometimes tripping just loosens me up – it’s a weird phenomenon. There are times I just walk better after tripping. I have NO explanation for it. Anyway, whether the Uber guy thought he was driving me or not, I still thought it sweet that he made sure I was OK. However, the moral of the story is, don’t ask God to give you stories to fill your blog posts unless you’re ready to trip over your own two feet to get the story. 😊

Speaking of feet, another weird phenomenon: I have these shoes that I love. They aren’t very supportive, but they stay on my feet, I like them and can walk in them. I’m wearing them now, as a matter of fact! The insole of the right footed shoe came out the other day and I noticed that my foot was sticking to the shoe. All the while I was losing my footing and slipping on the insole of my left shoe. I decided to rip out that insole and voila, I no longer feel like I’m losing my grip or slipping in that shoe. Go figure.

I’ve been going through weird bouts of not being able to sleep through the night. It doesn’t happen every night but there are nights that I will wake up at 1:30am or 2:00am and be wide awake. So much so that one night this past week, I got up, made all my lunches for the week, watched a documentary, and emptied the dishwasher. I woke up last night around 3am and by 3:50, I decided that I’d go ahead and get my workout done for the day. I did that, then got a shower all by 5:30am. I decided to see if I could sleep a little bit more before I went to work. I managed to “rest”, but didn’t fall completely asleep. My foot kept me awake because it was spasming. That was probably a result of me exercising without taking medication first. Symptoms get worse with repetitive motions as in riding a stationary bike (like I did). Lesson learned: don’t get up that early to work out (or take medication before so as not to have spasms afterwards) – haha.

I’ll end with some randomness for your day/night: If you know me at all, you know that I love television. I work in television. 😉 I was re-watching (for probably the millionth time) episodes of Code Black which was a TV drama that aired on CBS a few years ago. It struck me that in all the scenes where the patient has just had brain surgery (one was for a shunt replacement and one was for deep brain stimulation – and now you know why I liked the show so much!), they wrap the patient’s forehead in gauze. Um, that’s not at all what happens after those surgeries. Yeah, I know they must get their point across that the patient just had brain surgery, so they’re taking liberties, but that’s not even the part of the head/brain where the surgeries take place! I’m just saying… 😊

And with that, I’ll close this post. Have a wonderful week and know that in ALL things, God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: July 30, 2019

Last week I forgot to mention in the blog what level of electricity I am on. Well, I didn’t actually forget, but when I went to go turn on the remote to the DBS device it needed new batteries and I was too lazy to change them at the time – ha! But, for the record, Dr. T. upped the electricity to 3.60 on Frequency A. Whew – now that that’s out of the way…the past week was pretty good! I took a couple of days off of work as family from up north was down to celebrate (twice!) my grandmother’s 93rd birthday. I went boating and tubing and swimming (floating) in the lake and I think I now know several different ways to get to Norris and back. It was fun. Work was also great.

By the way, thank you for all the notes and compliments on my last post. I really had no idea it would be that popular – haha. But, again thank for reading and responding and encouraging and praying. It means more than you’ll ever know! And, if anyone has any connections to a book publisher, send them my way. I’m not sure why so many of you would want to read a book written by me, but that’s the most popular response I get: write a book. To be honest, I'm completely shocked by that. Me. Write a book?! Hmm... For tonight however, I promise not to be as long winded in this post. 😊

I saw this quote somewhere (probably Facebook if I had to guess) and it made me stop and think:

When I see quotes like this and feel the love that everyone gave me after my last post, it reminds me of the lyrics to an Amy Grant song titled "You're Not Alone":

"But you just can't lay down and die
You've got to remember
You're not alone in this world
Always remember
You're not alone in this world"

God is good and gracious and doesn't allow me (or anyone) to remain sad, wallow in what is or feel absolutely hopeless. He redeems. He saves. He brings joy inexplicable.

At times this past week, I’ve felt very steady on my feet. I’m cautiously optimistic that I am entering into/am already in a good walking phase. I know what it’s like to completely have no balance and not be able to take a step without feeling like I’m going to fall, so any good periods of stable steadiness on my feet, I’ll take! But then again, whether I’m in a good phase or not, things seem to change on a dime. I’m blessed though. My dad had a great line in his sermon on Sunday. He said that when bad things happen, God helps us through them, not from them. I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it like that. Of course, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen to us, but because of sin He allows them. And since He allows them then He helps us through them. My dad reiterated that we tend to talk to God more when we are in trouble, when we are sick, and things aren’t going our way. When everything is great, our talks with God (prayers) are more sporadic. I find this (unfortunately) true in my own life. I am trying to consciously thank God for all the good He’s brought me in life and believe me there is abundant good in my life!

I do want God to keep working on me. I know that I am masterpiece in progress (As are you!). Whether walking comes easy or I struggle with every step, I know that God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: Doctor's Appointment Update

I had an appointment with my neurologist this past Thursday, July 18. It’s been my routine to blog about appointments right after I have them, but this time, I had to chew on it a little more. I’m in a MUCH better mood tonight than I was the day of and even the day after the appointment. I had an 8 am appointment, which I usually love because I can get in and out and on to work in a rather quick way. This 8 am appointment was different though. It left me feeling like I should have had a later-in-the-day appointment and then I wouldn’t have felt sad all day. 😉

This is definitely how I feel some of my prayers come out sounding, but God is faithful and knows what I'm trying to say, so it's all good!

Dr. T. asked point blank if I thought the DBS was helping me at all. For whatever reason, I hesitated, but in the end concluded that yes, it was helping. However, there was that hesitation. Maybe it had to do with the fact that he’s never come right out and asked me that question before. DBS helps, but it’s not the miracle I was looking for, that much I’ll admit. 😉 Dr. T’s running out of options (he said so himself) and I’m running out of patience (with myself, not Dr. T.). It’s been three and half years since the deep brain stimulation surgery. While I haven’t gone up to the highest stimulation point nor have I gone down to the lowest stimulation point, options are dwindling. I told Dr. T. that “playing” with the settings was fun the first year and into year two, but now – now I just want to set it and forget it. I don’t want to play anymore. There are still options, they are just getting smaller. I asked what it would do to me if I went all the way up to the highest setting on the DBS. He said I’d probably get symptoms of my hand drawing in or maybe my vision would be affected, however nothing that would kill me (and everything would go back to normal if I adjusted the settings to what they were). 😉 He suggested that if I did that, I do it over a weekend or a period when I don’t have to go anywhere. I couldn’t do it last weekend and can’t do it next weekend, but who knows, maybe the weekend after, I’ll try it. Another option is physical therapy. I’ve done it before and it helps, but I always get to a point where the physical therapists have taken it to their limit and can’t help much beyond that. A third option is taking a medication to help with spasms, which I’ve done in the past as well. So, the appointment left me feeling kind of sad – not mad, just sad.

During the appointment, Dr. T. asked about physical therapy. He said that he was starting a pilot program just that morning with his Parkinson’s patients and how they react to certain physical therapies. He asked if I’d like to see the physical therapist that morning. I’d be her first patient and he said it was free 😉. I said I’d see her, so he led me over to where she was set up. To get to that room, we had to walk through the waiting room to the other side of the building. He was leading the way but was also talking to me. I had to tell him to slow down (walking) if he wanted me to walk with him – haha! He saw my “real” walking and not just walking down a hall with walls I could potentially grab ahold of if need be. There were also a ton of people in the waiting room by this time that I had to walk in front of, so he really got to see my walking. In fact, he said, “I’m going to walk behind you so I can see you walk. I know you hate that, but still.” The physical therapist confirmed everything I was doing was correct. She gave me some new exercises to do and some tricks to help with spasms, so I’m glad I went. I can do the exercises at home. Dr. T. also wrote me a prescription for another drug to help with spasms and said I could use it if need be but didn’t have to take it if it made me too sleepy or gave me other side-effects worse than the symptoms. He also increased the electricity I was receiving to one notch higher.

But, all day Thursday, I was just in a sad/melancholy mood. I must keep things in perspective though. While at the neurologists, there are these big signs on the doors that say, “MS Clinic”, Parkinson’s Clinic”, “ALS Clinic” and Huntington’s Clinic”. That in and of itself is sobering. Those diseases are much, much worse then what I have. (There’s also a sign for “Movement Disorders Clinic – that’s mine, in case you were wondering. 😉 ). I also saw a girl with a prosthetic leg – again way worse off than me! But, even with knowing that I was in much better shape then probably 95% of the people in that doctor’s office, I couldn’t shake my sadness.

I was still feeling sad on Friday when I went to yoga, but then my yoga instructor snapped me out of that mood. I told her about the appointment and happened to mention that before the DBS surgeries Dr. T. had asked me what my expectations for the surgery were. As clear as day, I remember telling him that if I could just walk with a cane (instead of a walker full-time) then I would be overjoyed. My yoga instructor told me flat out that I have exceeded my own expectations for myself. I should be proud. On the other hand, somewhere along the line, I wasn’t just pleased with being able to walk with a cane. I wanted complete freedom. So, I ditched the cane and life was even sweeter, but then, once more, I wasn’t pleased with just being able to walk assistance free, I wanted (want) to be able to walk without any issue whatsoever. So, in a roundabout way, I’m causing myself to be sad by putting unrealistic (if only for the time) goals on myself. The surgery did what I initially had hoped and prayed it would do – it allowed me to walk without a walker. That conversation with my yoga instructor left me with a whole new perspective. I have exceeded my own expectations. I should be proud of that, but now I want more and am not satisfied with the original goal. I feel like that’s life in general too. Once we reach our goal(s), we create a new goal(s) and until we reach that new goal(s), we’re not satisfied. There’s a fine line between being realistic and being complacent. I don’t want to be complacent, but maybe I should be more realistic (and content), but then again, I dream big. I always have. I believe in miracles.

I'm not sure how theologically sound this is (I do walk with God!), but I get its message and I love it.

So, all of that happened last Thursday and Friday and by Saturday I was ready to have fun. My aunt, uncle and cousins are down from MI with their boat (we celebrated my grandmother’s 93rd birthday on Sunday). My favorite thing to do on the lake is to go tubing. It’s the perfect balance of, “I’m going to die.” to “This is the most fun ever.” I absolutely LOVE tubing and got my chance on Saturday. It was the best way to rid me of sadness. It was a blast! I also enjoyed great quality time with family. Somehow having little nieces in my life always, always puts me in a good mood!

Sometimes it’s hard to be happy when you’re dealing with something chronic. But God didn’t promise us that we’d be happy all our lives. Yes, I let sadness creep in for a bit this past week, but in the end, joy won out. That’s life. You’ve got to take the good with the bad and let God do His thing in you. I’m still navigating life challenges (as we all are) and finding out that life is so much sweeter when I put worry aside and let God be in control. After all, God’s Got This!

I'm still in training with this, sometimes it's very, very hard!