When I "experiment" with the electricity, there are a few things that can occur. I'm going to try and explain one of them - the symptom/side effect I despise the most. Unless you have similar circumstances, you may not be able to imagine this, but I'll try to explain it. In simple terms my leg jerks. Sometimes it's my leg, other times it's my foot. It can also be my knee and still other times it's more my thigh muscles. But, when it jerks, I have no control and that's what causes a lot of falls or feeling "off-balance" or causes me to walk stiff-legged. I walk stiff-legged because I feel like if I bend my knee it'll spasm or my foot will spasm and I'll lose my balance. I can not stand the jerking. I lose all confidence in my ability to stay vertical. This is what happened this past week. I gave it a week to work itself out. ;) There were days at work that were fantastic. I walked with more confidence and a greater ability to keep myself upright. However, the times that were difficult outweighed the times that were good, so this past Sunday, November 4, I decided to go back up on the electricity. I had only gone down one notch the week before, but it's one notch too low, I think. ;) So I went back up to 2.90 volts.
And everything was perfect after that....
Or maybe not. God's the author of this story (my life) and He doesn't always see things like I see things (to say the least!). When I want things to work one way, He see things working another. When I think a situation is going to turn out one way, God sees it turning out another way. But it's all good!!
God has a sense of humor. Really, He does. I turned the electricity up before going to church on Sunday. I still felt really off-balanced, but prayed that it would all work out and that I wouldn't fall. I walked into church without help (That's not true, God is ALWAYS my help, but I meant no help from other people.). I was slow - very slow and awkward - very awkward, but God let the situation work itself out just like He deemed it. There were people around that I could have asked help from, but had I had help I wouldn't have learned what He wanted me to learn, so I'm grateful for the experience. Had I had help, my confidence would have lacked because I wouldn't have been "forced" to do it "on my own". (Again, even if I may look "on my own", I'm not, because God is with me each step of the way). I wouldn't have known that I could walk (albeit very, very slow) and not fallen that day. Had I had help, I would not have been humbled as I was. A good dose of humility is good. While it's humiliating at the time (hence the word!), it turns my eyes back to Jesus. To see people walk in with no issue at all, and to realize that I still have issues even after deep brain stimulation surgery - that's humbling to me. I'm sure you have your humbling scenarios as well. But with humility comes confidence, for my confidence comes from the Lord and to be humbled in His sight - well I don't think there's anything better.
Here it is Tuesday and I'm still having issues and not walking as I would like. But I have hope. It's not all bad. I love that when I'm feeling weak in one area of my life, God allows me to find strength in another. While walking hasn't been the best, I'm enjoying and finding physical strength in yoga. From planks to push-ups, I feel stronger. Where once, I could only barely even do one push-up, I can do lots more now. I can see growth and growth is always good. I know that I have walked well before and I'll walk well again and in this lull time, I'll keep reminding myself that God's still writing my story and that God's Got This!
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