Turn-It-Up Tuesday: May 17

This Turn-It-Up Tuesday, I woke up in kind of a funk. I haven’t seen any significant results yet in my walking abilities and I was thinking “what good is it going to do today to turn the electricity in my DBS device up?” But then, while brushing my teeth, God brought to mind the day after my 2nd (the awake) surgery. That day, I couldn’t pick up my toothbrush and I definitely couldn’t put toothpaste on it and I was wondering if I would ever get the use of my left hand and arm back again. I was wondering if I had made a huge mistake in having the surgery. After God brought this memory to mind, my funk subsided. It didn’t fully leave, but I did start praising Jesus. After that second surgery, I had to trust Dr. K. when he said that use of my arm and hand would return. I had to trust God that He would allow that to happen. I had no control over the situation and I just had to trust. Fast forward to today and I can use my arm and hand again. I can pick up my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and brush my teeth. I can open doors. I can put clothes on. I can type on a computer. Thank you, Jesus for the use of my arm and hand again and for the reminder that everything happens in YOUR time.

When I want to wear a top, but I know that that top will visibly show my scar, I add a necklace and it covers it!  

I turned the deep brain stimulation electricity up by .10 this morning. I’m now at 3.70 volts.

I could have turned it up to 3.80, but decided to only go up .10 this week. After turning the electricity up, I did notice that my left hand twitched a lot. If it wasn’t my hand, it was a finger. However, by this afternoon, it stopped. It could have been related to the electricity being turned up, or it could have been related to something entirely different.

Earlier today at work I thought I might have been walking a little steadier. But, as soon as that thought popped into my head, my foot got caught on the carpet and I stumbled. I was using the walker though and I didn’t fall. I had to laugh because I felt like God was bringing me down from my high horse. ;) We all need a humbling experience sometimes to keep us in check!

I’ll admit that I’m battling frustration. I really, really, really want things to work and work now. I don’t want to wait anymore and yet I know I have to. This isn’t a magical process. God could make it magical through a miracle, but He’s choosing, for the time being, to have me wait. For what, that remains to be seen. I may not ever know, but I do hope that God will reveal it me. And as much as I gripe and complain about the wait, I’m still learning so much and wouldn’t trade anything that I’ve gone through and am still going through. I wouldn’t trade it because it’s making me stronger. God's got a plan. It may not be my plan, but that's OK, because His plans always work out a thousand times better then mine! I think sometimes God has to force me to learn things because I’d never learn them on my own! Does He work like that? Well, yeah…He refines us. That’s what He’s doing with me. He's refining me.

I was reading from the New Life Version of “The Bible Promise Book” last night and read all the verses on patience. This verse really spoke to me:

“You must be willing to wait without giving up. After you have done what God wants you to do, God will give you what He promised you.” Hebrews 10:36

The NIV version (which is my choice of versions in reading the Bible) of the same verse is:

“You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”

Romans 5:3-4 says, “We are glad for our troubles also. We know that troubles help us learn not to give up. When we have learned not to give up, it shows we have stood the test. When we have stood the test, it gives us hope." (New Life Translation)

The NIV version is: “Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance; character and character, hope."

We glory in our sufferings?!! What do you mean by that God?! I do NOT like this. I do not like it one bit. BUT, the verse doesn’t end there. Suffering leads to perseverance, perseverance leads to character and character leads to hope. I just hope that my character is not a bitter soul. Sometimes, I feel like it is. I see evidence of a hardened heart and I HATE that. I battle it constantly. I don’t want to be bitter or hardened or defeated. So, I put my trust in the Lord and constantly ask for His forgiveness. I’m a work in progress (as is everyone on this earth). I do thank the Lord for refining me though. It’s through the struggles in life that we bloom.

This past week, I didn't see any significant results, but that was last week. I DO have hope that this week, I'll see something. And if not this week, maybe the next. Or maybe I have to wait months or a year or more. It'll be OK though because I know the One who made me and I know He doesn't make mistakes. I do still trust that the Lord hasn't forgotten about me. I can not wait to see what He has in store for me. I get a sense that it's bigger than I can even dream about. Whatever it is, I know it'll be worth the wait!