Tune-in-Tuesday (but on a Sunday): March 29, 2020

Hi ya'll! How's everyone doing? Going stir-crazy yet? How's self quarantining going? I've noticed that we all want what we don't have. What do I mean by that? Well those of with kids want them to go back to school. Those of us with spouses want 5 minutes alone, while those of us with no children and no spouses want all that chaos - haha! Even in this quarantine (and I'm still wanting to spell it quarentine!), God is still good!

I'm sorry I didn't update last Tuesday, but truth be told, I didn't want to sit at the computer anymore. ;) I am EXTREMELY BLESSED to have a job where I can work from home in these circumstances, but it's different. Ya'll know if you're doing the same thing. I'm also one of those people who want to "play by the rules" and somehow working from home makes me even more intent on staying at the computer ALL DAY to make sure my bosses and co-workers know I'm working and not slacking off - haha. HOWEVER, I've been on several Zoom meetings this past week with my boss and co-workers and the higher-ups at the company and they are ALL saying to take breaks - get away from the computer - breath. So, I'm trying to take their advice! Anyway, all that to describe why I didn't update. ;)

If you read my last blog post, you know I was having trouble and was debating on whether to take the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device down some. Well, I waited exactly two weeks (Yay! - go me. I WAITED!!!), but I did end up taking it down last Thursday (March 26 for my record keeping!). I took it back down to 3.00 volts (from 3.20) on Frequency A and now, I'm wondering if it's too low. Maybe I should land on 3.10. But for the time being it's at 3.20.

So, as stated above, I've been working from home.

Some of the "pros" of working from home:

- I can roll out of bed at 8:28am and be at work at 8:30am.
- I don't have to shower or put make-up or "real" clothes on (unless I know I have a Zoom meeting - ha!)
- I'm not interrupted.

Some of the "cons" of working from home:

- I'm not interrupted. I MISS MY CO-WORKERS SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I can't bounce ideas off my co-workers (well I can through instant messaging and e-mail, but it's not the same).
- I miss human contact.

Ya'll I've ALWAYS thought of myself as an introvert. And, I am - HOWEVER (more than ever), I miss my family and my friends. I miss human contact. I miss hugs. I miss get annoyed at people. I just miss people. We were not born to be isolated. We need each other. I am SO THANKFUL that we live in a time where there are Zoom meetings, Facebook, FaceTime, IM, text messaging, phone calls, e-mails, Instagram and everything else, because if we didn't live in this time, I think I might go crazy. Thank you, thank you to everyone who posts on Facebook and Instagram. To those that reach out in texts and phone calls. One of my absolute favorite things right now is getting to FaceTime with my nieces. It gives me life. My dad was testing out Zoom the other day and Zoomed me to test it. I LOVED IT!!! So, while I may be an introvert - I need people!! This quarantine is teaching me to be more social (after all this over with), to never take human contact for granted and to spend as much time with my family and friends as possible.

In this time of doubt and worry and panic and sadness, I've asked Jesus to show me how to be like Him every day. I'm being intentional about it. I want to represent Jesus in everything I do. So many people are scared and panicked and I want to bring just a little bit of calm to their world. Don't get me wrong. I have my moments of panic and hypochondria, but more often than not in this time, I've been calm. As many of you know (or don't know, that's fine too!), I suffer from panic attacks. I have since I was 10 or 11. It's a physiological (I hope I'm using the right word there) condition - meaning it's physical. I don't bring them on myself. I don't say, "Oh, let's have a panic attack today." It just happens. Yes, I have triggers and yes, I CAN get myself so worked up that I cause myself to have one, but for the most part it's physical. Anyway, since the coronavirus has hit, I've felt at peace. Is that the not the weirdest thing?! I saw something on Facebook and IMMEDIATELY related to it. I think it was meant to be funny, but ya'll it's me!! It said:

"I've noticed that people with anxiety disorders seem to be much calmer than the general population concerning the Coronavirus. Guess all these years of dealing with imaginary worst-case scenarios has actually made us more capable of dealing with real threats when they come - silver lining."

Again, I'm not saying I'm completely panic free. In fact, today, I HAD to pick up a prescription and also buy groceries. So now my hypochondria is in full force. Did I expose myself to the virus? Should I just have survived off of oatmeal? BUT, I also know that God's got this. He knows are needs. He was there yesterday, He's here today and He'll be here tomorrow.

I was talking with a co-worker (over instant message) and I told her that I was kind of scared that when we were allowed to be in crowds of people again that I would have a panic attack. She said that she hoped it wouldn't be like that. Since telling her that, God's allowed me to completely change my mind. I truly believe that when we are able to be together again, that I will be just fine. In fact, maybe I won't ever have another panic attack. My God is a God of Miracles - so it can happen!!!!!!!!

On a lighter note, I broke the "flusher" (not sure that's a word) on my toilet this morning. How does that even happen? I went to flush the toilet and the "flusher" fell off! Thankfully, we have a plumber in our church. I called him and he was able to fix it ASAP. I kind of felt guilty for calling him, you know, with the pandemic and stuff. I could of used my other bathroom, but I am so very thankful that it is fixed. It's one less thing to worry about.

Also during this pandemic, I have missed with all my heart my church family, however I have completely enjoyed listing to the worship services online. Only God really knows my heart and when I'm able to listen - just one on one (me and whomever is speaking), I've been able to really experience Jesus and his saving love for me. There's no distractions. It's just me and Jesus. I've been able to dig deeper into my faith. But, again, I miss my church family so, so very much and can't wait to see their faces, hug their necks and have human contact with them again! It pains me more than anything that we may not be able to worship together in person Holy Week and Easter, but God is still God and we will still celebrate the resurrection of our RISEN LORD.

Ya'll if you're worried, anxious, scared, panicked - please reach out to someone. Reach out to me. God is so good. I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt -

GOD'S GOT THIS!!!!

Tune-In-Tuesday (but on a Wednesday): March 18, 2020

First, I'm sorry I didn't blog yesterday. I worked all day (which is not unlike every Tuesday (or Monday, Wednesday, Thursday or Friday) - ha!) but the difference was that I worked from home and as silly as this sounds, my laptop was in the same place I usually blog from and I just didn't feel like sitting down anymore and writing - so - I'm blogging today. Why I feel like ya'll have to know that information, I don't know - ha!

Anyway, how are all ya'll doing being quarantined? Or are you even quarantined? Maybe I have to be quarantined so that I learn to spell quarantine. Literally for all 4 times that I typed quarantined (now 5) I've spelled it "quarentine". That's embarrassing, but true. 😉

I did do a live Facebook video yesterday (maybe that made up for not writing a blog!). It was fun, however I'm sure those that tuned in got bored because I didn't know what to talk about. Imagine that - me - who loves to write and spill my guts - couldn't come up with stuff to talk about. Haha. I'm not going to lie though, it was fun. Maybe I'll do it again. Send me topics to talk on though. 😉

I've always thought of myself as an introvert. I am an introvert - no doubt about it. However, in times like these, I'm not so introverted. I need human contact. I go stir-crazy. My personality is somewhat like this: If you tell me I can't do something, I try to prove you wrong. It's like a challenge for me. I don't even know what personality that would be defined as. But what I'm saying is that now that I know I'm not supposed to go anywhere, I have to go to all the places!! What gives?! And just to be clear - I'm not quarantined (again, I misspelled it and had to correct it!) because I have the Coronavirus. I'm quarantined because my work has told all of us that we are to work from home through (at least) March 27. And then we're hearing on TV to not go out unless necessary, so anyway - that's why I'm quarantined. I really, really think quarantined should be spelled quarentined. What is up with me and not being able to spell that word?!?! I might take a drive later to Cades Cove or something, (maybe just my neighborhood!) just to get out of the house, but still be quarantined (to my car). We're all in this together, just quarantined from each other. How backward is that?!

As for dystonia stuff: it's been a so-so week. After updating last week that I hadn't fallen any, I fell on Wednesday. Yep, the day after I updated. Right there in church. I think only one person saw me (I HOPE at least only one person saw me), but I of course bloodied my knee. Interestingly enough, I was wearing pantyhose (don't judge, I wear them to cover up my flour white legs and also to keep warm in the office. It's crazy, but just that little sheath blocks out the cold in the office!) and for the first time EVER, I didn't get a hole or rip in them at all. How does that even happen?!! They were only bloody. That explains why I couldn't keep Band-Aids on my leg though - haha. Yes, I put them over the pantyhose and they wouldn't stick. I'll admit, I was preoccupied and worried about the band-aids coming off during church. They did come off several times and I reapplied them. We had Communion and I was so worried they would come off as I walked up to Communion or when I had to kneel. I didn't want to get the kneeling cushions bloody! It's kind of funny (not really) how Satan distracts us. I prayed though and guess what?! They didn't fall off and I got nothing bloody!! However, after church was over, I noticed that at some point after Communion, they had fallen off. I looked everywhere in the pew for them and couldn't find them. I gave up. It wasn't until just a couple of days ago that I found them. Stuck to the bottom of the shoes I was wearing that night - phew! No one had to find my bloody band-aids and dispose of them. Thank you, Jesus.

I had a bloody nose at the beginning of the month. I don't think that has to do with anything related to dystonia, but I will say, I've never had more bloody noses then I do now after brain surgery. Is that a thing? Probably not and I'm probably going into hypochondria by overthinking things like that. On a side note: how was I able to spell hypochondria correctly the very first time and I still can't spell quarantine correctly after like 13 times?!

So yeah, needless to say, I've been having issues. I finally decided to see what level of electricity I was on (because, I literally forgot and don't remember the last time I fooled with the electricity.) I thought I was on 3.2 volts, but good thing I checked because I was actually on only 3.0 volts. So last Thursday (March 12 - for my record keeping 😉) I took the electricity up to 3.2. And today, I'm thinking about taking it back down again to 3.0. I haven't yet, but I'm contemplating it. Walking hasn't gotten better and even though I haven't given it two weeks (which is the length my neurologist said to give any level to see if it works, unless it's just too much to bear), I'm thinking of going back down. My foot doesn't lay flat on the floor (acting like it's got too much electricity). So...we'll see. It's a guessing game with this condition and with the electricity. I'm glad I have options, but sometimes it's frustrating.

Maybe God's quarantining me so I'll start writing a book?! People keep telling me I should. Maybe I will. Not that I can write a whole book in a week or even a month. But maybe I'll start on it. I've kind of written a book here in just this blog post, haven't I?! When I want to write, the words just flow. When I'm forced to write, they come slower. I guess that's what it's like for everyone, right? Or am I the only one that feels this way?

OK, I'll close now. I hope everyone stays well and keeps their sanity in this insane environment we are currently living in. And as always, remember: GOD'S GOT THIS!!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: March 10, 2020

You’d think that I hate writing by my reluctance to update this blog tonight (and last week). I’ll be honest, it’s felt like a chore. I don’t know why that is. I didn’t update last Tuesday because I had just updated the Saturday before, but for the past few weeks, every time Tuesday’s rolled around, I’ve not felt led to write. Sometimes I feel like a broken record saying the same thing over and over, however I do love having a record of what’s been going on and when it happened. So tonight, I’m forcing myself to sit down and write an entry. After all, I really do love writing. In fact, last night I even had a dream that I had a book being published. 😊

Walking has been difficult these past few weeks. I haven’t fallen, but I haven’t been walking with ease either. I’ve been on the struggle bus. I think a lot of has to do with the weather. However, even though it’s been a struggle, I am grateful. I’m grateful that I can walk – no matter how slow or awkward. I’m grateful that I have a desk job. I’m grateful that I have a one-story house. I could go on. 😉 I know that this is just a season and it will pass. There will be better walking days ahead!

Thanks for reading this short, but (hopefully) sweet entry! Stay well, wash your hands and always remember: God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday (but on a Saturday): February 29, 2020

I didn't update the blog this past Tuesday somewhat because I had a million things going on and ran out of time and somewhat because I knew that February 29 this year fell on a Saturday and I'd have time to blog then. And yet, here it is at 10 pm on February 29 and I'm finally updating.😉 To catch you up, on February 23, 2020, I celebrated the 4th anniversary of my deep brain stimulation surgery. How did I celebrate? I tripped over the vacuum cord and bloodied my knee. I had just taken the band-aid off too. 😊 How appropriate! You think life’s going one way and then God shakes things up a little bit. How in the world has it been 4 years?! If you'd like to read what I wrote about that day 4 years ago, you can do so here: 2nd Surgery It was by far the most unique thing I've ever been through.

Happy Leap Day/Year! This is the first time since having it done that I can recognize/celebrate the anniversary of my last (of 3) surgeries for deep brain stimulation. I didn't have to have 3 surgeries because it was messed up or anything - it's just a 3 surgery process. February 29, 2016 I had the battery for the deep brain stimulation device implanted and all the wires from the device in my brain to the battery connected. The deep brain stimulation wouldn't be turned on until March 29, 2016, but the surgery part of the process was complete with this surgery. It was NOT lost on me that this final surgery was done on LEAP day. I WILL LEAP again!! In some ways it's very hard to believe it's been 4 years. It's not been the "instant" miracle I was praying for, but would I do it all over again? HECK YES!!!

I was out running errands this afternoon and I was WALKING. I was walking without a cane, without a walker, without assistance. While I still struggle, it's nowhere near the struggle I had 4 years ago. I can only say I am beyond blessed.

If you'd like to read what I wrote 4 years ago about the surgery, you can do so here: 3rd Surgery

I am a firm believer that God allows us to struggle so that we don't forget about Him. He has, is and will always be with me in this journey. Thank you, readers, for also following along on this journey with me.

Always remember: God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 18, 2020

It’s been quite a week this past week. I’ve struggled with walking at times.

It occurred to me that I may need to explain something. It’s not because anyone’s said anything, but it just came to my mind, so I’m sharing it here. I have more issues walking in big spaces like parking lots then I do in other areas. My only reasoning for this (that I can come up with) is that in large areas like that, there's nothing I can easily grab a hold of if I felt like I was going to fall. That's why when I'm blogging you almost exclusively hear me talk about having issues with walking in to or out of somewhere. Or I'll talk about falling in a parking lot. BUT, it amazes me how God allows the body to compensate or to “auto correct” itself at times. Our bodies instinctively know what to do to keep us from falling or injuring ourselves. While we may think of things ahead of time, it’s those reactive instincts that allow us to do what we need to do. One of my instincts is to not bend my knee when walking. I don’t set out and say to myself, “Now, don’t bend your knee.” It just instinctively happens. While it’s not ideal and it causes other issues in my body, I’m thankful for the natural ability to (for the most part) keep myself upright and moving from Point A to Point B. It may not be pretty, but it gets the job done.

Four years ago, on February 16, 2016, I began my (surgical) deep brain stimulation journey. I’d begun the process months and months before, but I didn’t start the surgical part until February 16. As I’m typing this, a memory popped into my head. My neurosurgeon, Dr. Konrad told me that the surgeries would be the easy part for me. The hard part for me would start AFTER the surgeries. Boy, was he ever right! Since I have new people reading my blog, I thought I’d include a link to what I wrote about the first of these DBS surgeries. So, here’s what happened four years ago:
1 down, 2 To Go

Back to this past week. I fell again. This time though it was while pushing a grocery cart (in a parking lot - see, I fall in parking lots a lot!). It takes real talent to do that - to fall while holding on to something that’s supposed to prevent me from falling! 😉

Ya’ll Jesus answers prayers – no matter how big or small. He answers them all. On Wednesday, I was having a time. Walking was not coming naturally. I went to church that night as I do every Wednesday. We were having communion so I knew that I'd have to walk up to communion and back to my pew. So, I prayed. I prayed that I would either 1) make it up and back from communion by myself without falling, or 2) If God thought I needed help that he would provide someone to help me. As we were preparing for communion, a friend quietly slipped into the pew I was sitting in ( I was the only one in the pew - it's a lighter attendance on Wednesday nights!). She leaned over and said, “I thought you might like some help getting up to and back from communion.” I turned to her and told her. “You’re the answer to my prayer.” She said to me that she felt a nudging that she should help. That was God. While we were receiving communion, I almost cried. God cares for us. No matter how “trivial” the ask is, He’s got us.

So, while this past week hasn't been stellar, it also has not been horrible. I've seen God's grace written over everything. And how could I not? God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 11. 2020

Has anyone else been a slump because of the weather, or is it just me? It's been raining cats and dogs here lately (in my humble opinion, I'd rather it rain men, but, we can't always get what we want - haha!) and it's been messing with my mood. I need sunshine!!! I know, it's February and it's supposed to be cold and rainy and dreary, but I'm looking forward to the sun shining again! Saturday, it snowed (unexpectedly - at least for me. That'll teach me to pay better attention to weather reports). Since it snowed, I stayed inside and since I stayed inside, I watched TV on DVD that I received for Christmas. I got the first season of New Amsterdam. It's a medical show. One of the episodes I watched dealt with deep brain stimulation. It wasn't for what I have, but anytime I hear "deep brain stimulation", it peaks my interest. I can literally say, I've been through that.

This past week, I also "met" someone else who's had deep brain stimulation done. He had his for a condition called ataxia, not dystonia, but still - I actually talked to someone who has had it done! I only met him over Facebook messenger as he lives in Mississippi (I think!). He's the husband of a cousin of someone I know. Haha - 6 degrees of separation, right?! ;) But it was so refreshing to talk to someone who's experienced the same thing I have. And yes, this is the very first person (in the four years since I've had it done) that I've talked to that has actually had it done. We have a couple of similar things in common: we both were hoping this was an "instant miracle", which it was not - but (speaking for myself) a miracle nonetheless. We both had to have the batteries that operate our DBS systems replaced after two and half years and NOT the five years we were told they would last - haha. I think the similarities end there, but I can't explain how exciting it was to talk to someone who knows went I through. And even though I'm in the media myself, no TV show can (or has) ever depicted it completely right (and really how can they when they're only working with about 45 minutes?!). I'm just glad that it is being talked about. I told the friend that introduced me to her cousin's husband that I will ALWAYS be a proponent of DBS. It's not for everyone and some may argue that I still have problems (which I do), but it has helped me tremendously and I wouldn't bat an eye to do it all over again even knowing it's not the "instant miracle" I was praying for. I love talking to people about it.

As with each week, last week had it's ups and downs, but I didn't fall!! I'm still nursing my wound from the previous week. It's almost like a paper cut. You know how a paper cut can be so tiny, but hurt so bad? This cut is small, but every time I peel the Band-Aid off (or it comes off on it's own), it starts bleeding all over again. I probably shouldn't keep a Band-Aid on, but at least it looks better covered up - haha!

Anyway, I think that's about it for this week. Always remember - God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: February 4, 2020

This past week has been a mixed bag. I’ve had good walking days and not so good days. I fell this morning. It happened right after I got in the front door at work. I’m not sure if I tripped over the rug or my own two feet (my guess is my own two feet). I’m thankful it wasn’t on concrete or asphalt and that only one person saw me! I skinned my knee, only because the skin there is so thin anyway (from previous falls) that it always breaks if I fall. Other than that, I’m fine. In fact, I’m more than fine, I’m great. I mean, I’m alive. I have family and friends who love me, I have a job that I love. Life is good. Sometimes a fall is just what I need to “reset” myself. It allows me to look inward again and realize all the blessings I have. Today’s verse of the day on my Bible app couldn’t be more appropriate:

I was kind of having a rough day on Sunday, but from Dale to Whitney to my own niece, Hope – I had plenty of help getting around at church. So thank you, one and all who helped! I'll never forget it.

It’s February and that means that later this month it’ll be four years since I had DBS surgery (I had my head shaved on Valentine's Day!). Wow. In some respects, time truly does fly and in other respects, the days are long! But as I told someone this past week; I’d do the surgery over again in a heartbeat. It’s not been the “instant miracle” I wished it was, but life is so much better because of it. God knows what He is doing, so I’m just along for the journey. I trust that His will is perfect. I truly believe that He wants what’s best for me and right now, currently, it’s the constant communication I have with Him. Actually, I know He wants that ALL the time from me. I'm just not always as great at it as I am when I'm having humbling experiences. ;)

You know how some people say, “Oh, if I had a million dollars, that wouldn’t change the real me.”? I’m the opposite of that (just being truthful) and God knows it! I’m the closest to Him when I’m crying out to Him to heal me. So, I don’t mind not being fully healed if it means I’m closer to the Lord. Ah – who am I kidding? I’m striving to not mind not being fully healed if it means I’m closer to God. That’s a more accurate statement. I pray that I can walk without issue and I don’t ever quit praying for the miracle.

God's Got This!