Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope you survived Monday and Tuesday was good to you. I can’t believe a week has passed since my last entry. Where does the time go?!
First off, I realized why I was in such a bad mood last week after the news about toe surgery. I hate to admit this, but in reality, it was all about my stubbornness and vanity. I came to realize that I didn’t want to have to use any assistive device like crutches, a walker, a wheelchair or a cane to get around while recovering. How dumb is that? But that’s what it was all about. I’ve just got to “suck it up, buttercup!” and deal with it! Once I realized that was the true issue behind my grouchiness, it’s been smooth sailing ever since! I’m excited about the surgery (or as excited as one can get for surgery). I do want my toes to lay flat and I do want to walk better. Surgery is set for April 18. I think it was announced in church (at least at the 11am service) that it’s on the 17th, but it is actually on Tuesday, April 18.
Last Wednesday night, I went to church and was talking with a friend (Sylvia) before the service started. She and I chatted about hammer toes and just toe issues in general. She had read my blog post from the night before. She said that she had looked into toe surgery about 10 years ago and the doctors told her to be prepared to not be able to bend her toes anymore because of the fusion and the rods. She asked if I had discussed that with Dr. Gardner and I told her the truth – I couldn’t remember! Then I started questioning myself: “He does know, I’m relearning to walk, right?” “Did he say that I wouldn’t be able to bend my toes at all?” “Did I ask him if I’d be able to walk normally?” I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how God works because no sooner had I started questioning myself then I turned around in the pew and two rows back, sat Dr. Gardner! So, I went and asked him – haha!! I did apologize for asking him medical stuff while at church, but he said he didn’t mind. ;) He clarified that he would only fuse one of the joints – so yes, that joint won’t be bendable, but there are 3 joints in the toe and I will be able to bend the other two joints. He said it won’t impair my walking, but improve it. Another worry, checked off my list! Thank you, Jesus (and Dr. Gardner!). Dr. Gardner asked if I had informed my DBS neurologist at Vanderbilt yet about the surgery and I told him I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure that I was going to. Dr. Gardner was OK with that, but he said that he always likes to have as much information as possible. I pondered that. The next day, I e-mailed Dr. Tolleson at Vanderbilt. I e-mailed him so I could remember everything I wanted/needed to say/ask him. The phone is not always my friend – I forget what I’m supposed to ask or just get flustered. E-mail is much better for me. I thought maybe his nurse would contact me, but no, I got a response directly from him! He has no major reservations about the surgery and confirmed that Dr. Gardner was correct – I’d need some kind of physical intervention to get the toes to lay flat (because they’ve been balled up for 10-12 years now and they’ve kind of fused themselves to that position). He reminded me though that without DBS or another treatment, my toes could still pull. He told me if Dr. Gardner had any concerns that he could call him. He also reminded me that I need to turn the DBS stimulator off while in surgery and ended with “direct electrocautery away from the battery.” :) Duly noted!! I feel much better that everyone is now informed.
On Saturday, I did something I realized I hadn’t done since going cane and walker free – I walked all by myself into Ross Dress for Less. No walker, no cane, no shopping cart – just me, my legs and my balled up toes. I even crossed over the dreaded lane that cars drive through and didn’t worry if a car had to stop and wait for me. I walked in front of people and didn’t crumble! Once in the store, I decided to try on dresses. I realized when I got to the dressing room that I could go to any dressing room I so desired to because I didn’t have to worry about fitting the walker into the room. I fit into a fitting room!! :) I know all of this is silly to all of you, but it’s life-changing, soul-lifting stuff to me.
Sunday, I again did something I haven’t done in 10-12 years. There were NO parking spots close to the door. There weren’t even any handicap parking spots. In cases like this, I usually circle the parking lot several times and a spot usually becomes available. But Sunday, I parked “way far-away” (at least for me) - on the outer spots of the parking lot and I walked. Cars had to stop so that I could cross over the parking lot. I was slightly embarrassed, but I pressed on. I made it inside with no falls, no walker, no cane. I made it. It was monumental. I’m blessed. Walking is not perfect – it may never be, but I’m doing it and for that I give God all the praise. I start and stop. I don’t walk fluidly. I have issues. But I also have a fire that burns in me, a “Type A” personality, stubbornness to the core and determination that won’t be shaken. I have God on my side. He’s truly all I need! Sunday night and again tonight, I walked into Kroger without a shopping cart, cane or walker. I walked in front of people. All of this is truly God. Thank you, Lord for building confidence and character in me. It’s a slow process, but I’m learning.
Ya’ll, I am still so amazed that I don’t use a walker or a cane anymore. There are days and times when I want to, but I don’t. I press on. I put one foot in the front of the other and do the best I can. God hasn’t failed me. Not one time. And He never will fail me. He’s there to catch me, love me, console me, reassure me, uplift me, strengthen me, build confidence in me, and the list could go on and on and on. I’m in awe. Always remember…God’s Got This!
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Tune- In Tuesday: Podiatrist Appointment March 28
Today was my appointment with the podiatrist. He happens to also go to my church. ;) Mom went with me to the appointment and I’m really glad she did because there was a second set of ears to hear what he had to say. It was a great appointment, although by my attitude afterwards, you wouldn’t have been able to tell. I was in some kind of funky mood! I texted Mom to tell her I was sorry. I was just sad, but I’m much better now!!
It turns out Dr. Rankin was right; I do have a hammer toe. Or probably more correctly, toes. He was also correct in saying that my hammer toes are a direct result of the dystonia. Dr. Gardner confirmed all of this, while also saying he could fix it. But that means surgery and unlike the day I saw Dr. Rankin and wanted surgery THAT DAY to take care of the problem, today I was a little bit more hesitant. A funny thing happened when Dr. Gardner explained what he would do if surgery was the path I decided to take. He said he would have to fuse my toes together. I literally said out-loud, “You’re going to fuse all of my toes together?!” He laughed and said, “No. Internally, I will fuse the parts that make up your toe together.” Whew!! I dodged a bullet there!! He left the room briefly to see another patient and I turned to Mom and said, “I really thought he meant he was going to fuse all my toes together!” She comforted me by acknowledging that she thought the same thing!! We got a good laugh out of it. :)
Dr. Gardner wanted to see me walk. I laughed and said that's the one thing I HATE doing in front of doctors. He said, "Just walk normally". I couldn't, because he was watching! It's a catch-22!! Agh!! One of these days, I'm going to gather every doctor who has ever asked me to walk for him in a room and I'm going to walk perfectly in front of them. At least that's my dream! Actually, if I'm being honest, I have dreamt in the past of all of them watching me win an Emmy or Oscar and walking up on stage to receive the award and having no issues. Don't judge. ;)
While at Dr. Gardner's, I got an X-ray of my foot and toes. The X-ray showed where I had broken my toe when I was a teen, which brought up the story that Mom and Dad didn’t believe me when I said I thought I broke it and made me walk on it a week (grant it, we were on vacation!) before taking me to get it checked out. It hasn't been straight since. Haha. Sorry, Mom and Dad, I had to tell it. ;)
Dr. Gardner explained the surgery he would do if that’s the route I’d take. He said he would put what’s called a smart toe (I think that’s the name…I know it was definitely “smart” something!) rod in my toes and it would cause them to lay straight. He said he would also lengthen the tendons in those toes. He started to describe the surgery and it sounded like I wasn’t going to be put to sleep, so I asked. He said normally he would have a patient under deep sedation, but in my case he would probably use general anesthesia. The reason being is that my leg may involuntarily jerk due to the dystonia and that would be bad. He also said the surgery would be about an hour, but in my case, an hour and half probably. When speaking about recovery, he said that he puts most of his patients in a straight shoe/boot, but with me, he’d likely give me a boot/brace that goes all the way up to my knee. This is because he wants my foot to stay at a 90-degree angle and with just a straight shoe, my foot probably would not cooperate. OK, I’m not going to lie, I like being special at times (doesn’t everyone?!), but not when it comes to surgeries and the like. Everything is having to be tweaked because of the dystonia. Oh well. It is what it is!
I was pondering all of the information Dr. Gardner was giving me and really debating if I wanted the surgery. My toe does kill me and I have callouses all over the bottom of my foot that hurt too. I want all of that to get better, but surgery?! Dr. Gardner said the only way for all of that to get better is to have my toes lie flat and they won’t do that without (more) assistance. The deep brain stimulation is only going to get them so straight. He said they would still be curled even if I was at my goal on the electricity. I was still hesitant until he said what would eventually happen if I didn’t do anything. Eventually, my Achilles tendon would just snap one day. Hearing that, snapped me back to reality. ;) I DON’T want that to happen. I really, really, really don’t want another surgery, but if it prevents something worse happening down the line AND it helps me walk better – then I’ve got to do it.
So, I’ve set a surgery date: April 18. It’s after my niece’s first birthday and after Easter (so I can still wear normal shoes to church!). Dr. Gardner said that I have to be off my feet/out of work for a week (I can, thankfully, work from home!!), but after a week, I can slowly get back into the routine of things. It’ll take about 4-6 weeks to completely recover.
This was NOT my plan. This is not necessarily where I wanted to be a year after deep brain stimulation surgery, but God likes throwing me curve balls. I like dodging them. ;) But, if this is God’s plan, then who am I to say no? I am so excited to see where God leads. None of this is cut and dry. I’m a planner, an organizer, a type-A, perfectionist who likes to have everything laid out before me and know where I’m going. But God has different plans. He wants me to be more spontaneous, go-with-flow, trusting and joyful. So, if this is path He’s leading me down; it’s the path I’m going to take!
My co-worker, Debbie, had the catchphrase of the day. She said, “You can now literally say you’ve had surgery from head to toe!” Haha. Yes, yes I can say that. I can also (still!) say that from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, “God’s Got This!”.
It turns out Dr. Rankin was right; I do have a hammer toe. Or probably more correctly, toes. He was also correct in saying that my hammer toes are a direct result of the dystonia. Dr. Gardner confirmed all of this, while also saying he could fix it. But that means surgery and unlike the day I saw Dr. Rankin and wanted surgery THAT DAY to take care of the problem, today I was a little bit more hesitant. A funny thing happened when Dr. Gardner explained what he would do if surgery was the path I decided to take. He said he would have to fuse my toes together. I literally said out-loud, “You’re going to fuse all of my toes together?!” He laughed and said, “No. Internally, I will fuse the parts that make up your toe together.” Whew!! I dodged a bullet there!! He left the room briefly to see another patient and I turned to Mom and said, “I really thought he meant he was going to fuse all my toes together!” She comforted me by acknowledging that she thought the same thing!! We got a good laugh out of it. :)
Dr. Gardner wanted to see me walk. I laughed and said that's the one thing I HATE doing in front of doctors. He said, "Just walk normally". I couldn't, because he was watching! It's a catch-22!! Agh!! One of these days, I'm going to gather every doctor who has ever asked me to walk for him in a room and I'm going to walk perfectly in front of them. At least that's my dream! Actually, if I'm being honest, I have dreamt in the past of all of them watching me win an Emmy or Oscar and walking up on stage to receive the award and having no issues. Don't judge. ;)
While at Dr. Gardner's, I got an X-ray of my foot and toes. The X-ray showed where I had broken my toe when I was a teen, which brought up the story that Mom and Dad didn’t believe me when I said I thought I broke it and made me walk on it a week (grant it, we were on vacation!) before taking me to get it checked out. It hasn't been straight since. Haha. Sorry, Mom and Dad, I had to tell it. ;)
Dr. Gardner explained the surgery he would do if that’s the route I’d take. He said he would put what’s called a smart toe (I think that’s the name…I know it was definitely “smart” something!) rod in my toes and it would cause them to lay straight. He said he would also lengthen the tendons in those toes. He started to describe the surgery and it sounded like I wasn’t going to be put to sleep, so I asked. He said normally he would have a patient under deep sedation, but in my case he would probably use general anesthesia. The reason being is that my leg may involuntarily jerk due to the dystonia and that would be bad. He also said the surgery would be about an hour, but in my case, an hour and half probably. When speaking about recovery, he said that he puts most of his patients in a straight shoe/boot, but with me, he’d likely give me a boot/brace that goes all the way up to my knee. This is because he wants my foot to stay at a 90-degree angle and with just a straight shoe, my foot probably would not cooperate. OK, I’m not going to lie, I like being special at times (doesn’t everyone?!), but not when it comes to surgeries and the like. Everything is having to be tweaked because of the dystonia. Oh well. It is what it is!
I was pondering all of the information Dr. Gardner was giving me and really debating if I wanted the surgery. My toe does kill me and I have callouses all over the bottom of my foot that hurt too. I want all of that to get better, but surgery?! Dr. Gardner said the only way for all of that to get better is to have my toes lie flat and they won’t do that without (more) assistance. The deep brain stimulation is only going to get them so straight. He said they would still be curled even if I was at my goal on the electricity. I was still hesitant until he said what would eventually happen if I didn’t do anything. Eventually, my Achilles tendon would just snap one day. Hearing that, snapped me back to reality. ;) I DON’T want that to happen. I really, really, really don’t want another surgery, but if it prevents something worse happening down the line AND it helps me walk better – then I’ve got to do it.
So, I’ve set a surgery date: April 18. It’s after my niece’s first birthday and after Easter (so I can still wear normal shoes to church!). Dr. Gardner said that I have to be off my feet/out of work for a week (I can, thankfully, work from home!!), but after a week, I can slowly get back into the routine of things. It’ll take about 4-6 weeks to completely recover.
This was NOT my plan. This is not necessarily where I wanted to be a year after deep brain stimulation surgery, but God likes throwing me curve balls. I like dodging them. ;) But, if this is God’s plan, then who am I to say no? I am so excited to see where God leads. None of this is cut and dry. I’m a planner, an organizer, a type-A, perfectionist who likes to have everything laid out before me and know where I’m going. But God has different plans. He wants me to be more spontaneous, go-with-flow, trusting and joyful. So, if this is path He’s leading me down; it’s the path I’m going to take!
My co-worker, Debbie, had the catchphrase of the day. She said, “You can now literally say you’ve had surgery from head to toe!” Haha. Yes, yes I can say that. I can also (still!) say that from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, “God’s Got This!”.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Turn-It-Up Tuesday: March 21
A co-worker told me yesterday that he is still amazed when he sees me walking down the hallway without a walker a cane. I'M still amazed when I stop and take time to write on this blog and realize that I have just completed another week of walking cane and walker free and I haven't fallen. God is so, so good!! While, it (the walking) is not perfect and I still have "bad" days - I'm still walking without a walker or cane. For that, I continue to be in awe of what God has done and continues to do.
I find that when I am excited (either with a good excitement or not-so-good excitement), I tend to have more trouble walking. I want to get where I'm going fast and I just can't quite do that yet. I want to run. Seriously, there are times, I just want to run and I'm not there yet - but I do believe I will get there. For now, God just wants me to stop and smell the roses. ;)
I did turn the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device up today to 4.00 volts on level C. I had been at 3.90 volts on level C for the past 3 weeks. I think that's the longest I've ever been on a level since the surgery a year ago. Remember, patience is not my strong suite. ;) But, today I felt like I should go up. While my foot lays straight (for the most part), my toes have been curling up non-stop. I went up in the electricity to see if that will help my toes lay flat. I can obviously get around with them curled under because I've been doing that, but if they lay flat - how awesome would that be? I was a little less sure of myself today walking-wise, but I knew that would probably happen. Whether it's psychosomatic or real, I always seem to have "off" days when I mess with the electricity in my brain. But, I didn't slip, trip or fall today and I got everywhere I needed to go without using a walker or a cane, so I'm counting that as a huge WIN!
I've been battling with my toe this past week. It's aggravating the stew out of me, but only aggravating me, not causing me to fall or have any other issues - praise Jesus! I was somewhat grateful for the cooler weather this past week ONLY because the only shoes that I can wear comfortably are these boots that I have that have fabric on the top of them. But, I see a podiatrist next week, so hopefully there's a remedy for my toe in the near future.
This has nothing to do with dystonia or my health, but I can't end this post without acknowledging today's date: March 21. I was forever changed on March 21, 1990. That's when a dream came true and died all in the very same moment: I had a stillborn sister, Stacia Karen. Today she'd be 27. Her name means "resurrected one". How appropriate. I give myself the day to remember her and then rejoice that JOY comes in the morning. I've shed tears today, but I know God is sovereign. I don't have a sister, but God's given me three brothers whom I love with all my heart. The sibling rivalry for me is almost obsolete. It's there, but I'm positive it's not as strong as if I'd had a sister. My dad tells me that when I was little, I didn't want any brothers or sisters. I wanted Mom and Dad all to myself. But, now that I am older, I love, love, love having brothers. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They each hold a very special place in my heart. Two of my brothers have given me two nieces. When I look at my nieces, I see God's grace poured out on me. I am so incredibly blessed to be their aunt. They bring our whole family so much joy. I now get to play babies and dogs and princesses and have tea parties and have them say "Aunt Tepanie come play!" (OK that's Little G. Every time I ask Baby H to say my name, she looks at me like, "You've got to be kidding me!") and buy them gifts.
God is good. ALL THE TIME. I can truly say that. Even on a melancholy day like March 21 is for me, God is good. He's in control and His love overwhelms me. He's got me in the palm of His hand (as He's also got you!). In everything, I can say, God's Got This!
I find that when I am excited (either with a good excitement or not-so-good excitement), I tend to have more trouble walking. I want to get where I'm going fast and I just can't quite do that yet. I want to run. Seriously, there are times, I just want to run and I'm not there yet - but I do believe I will get there. For now, God just wants me to stop and smell the roses. ;)
I did turn the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device up today to 4.00 volts on level C. I had been at 3.90 volts on level C for the past 3 weeks. I think that's the longest I've ever been on a level since the surgery a year ago. Remember, patience is not my strong suite. ;) But, today I felt like I should go up. While my foot lays straight (for the most part), my toes have been curling up non-stop. I went up in the electricity to see if that will help my toes lay flat. I can obviously get around with them curled under because I've been doing that, but if they lay flat - how awesome would that be? I was a little less sure of myself today walking-wise, but I knew that would probably happen. Whether it's psychosomatic or real, I always seem to have "off" days when I mess with the electricity in my brain. But, I didn't slip, trip or fall today and I got everywhere I needed to go without using a walker or a cane, so I'm counting that as a huge WIN!
I've been battling with my toe this past week. It's aggravating the stew out of me, but only aggravating me, not causing me to fall or have any other issues - praise Jesus! I was somewhat grateful for the cooler weather this past week ONLY because the only shoes that I can wear comfortably are these boots that I have that have fabric on the top of them. But, I see a podiatrist next week, so hopefully there's a remedy for my toe in the near future.
This has nothing to do with dystonia or my health, but I can't end this post without acknowledging today's date: March 21. I was forever changed on March 21, 1990. That's when a dream came true and died all in the very same moment: I had a stillborn sister, Stacia Karen. Today she'd be 27. Her name means "resurrected one". How appropriate. I give myself the day to remember her and then rejoice that JOY comes in the morning. I've shed tears today, but I know God is sovereign. I don't have a sister, but God's given me three brothers whom I love with all my heart. The sibling rivalry for me is almost obsolete. It's there, but I'm positive it's not as strong as if I'd had a sister. My dad tells me that when I was little, I didn't want any brothers or sisters. I wanted Mom and Dad all to myself. But, now that I am older, I love, love, love having brothers. I wouldn't trade them for the world. They each hold a very special place in my heart. Two of my brothers have given me two nieces. When I look at my nieces, I see God's grace poured out on me. I am so incredibly blessed to be their aunt. They bring our whole family so much joy. I now get to play babies and dogs and princesses and have tea parties and have them say "Aunt Tepanie come play!" (OK that's Little G. Every time I ask Baby H to say my name, she looks at me like, "You've got to be kidding me!") and buy them gifts.
God is good. ALL THE TIME. I can truly say that. Even on a melancholy day like March 21 is for me, God is good. He's in control and His love overwhelms me. He's got me in the palm of His hand (as He's also got you!). In everything, I can say, God's Got This!
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Tune-In Tuesday: March 14
Oh, what a week! It was a good one though - yay!!
Good news: I got my appointment with the orthopedic doctor to look at my toe. Bad news: It's not until May 18. After hearing me whine and complain about my toe all day Sunday, Mom convinced me to call a podiatrist that goes to my church. She used scare tactics on me: "You could die from this toe before May 18." "You could have to have your toe amputated if you wait until May 18." Thanks, Mom! ;) Sometimes, I need a little push though! She knows me. The hypochondriac in me revved into full gear. Mom usually doesn't use that tactic with me, but I guess she'd heard enough whining about it that she wanted to make sure that I actually did something about it ASAP. She showed me her hammer toe and I literally said, "which toe is it?". I couldn't tell! Her toe looks NOTHING like my toe. That might be because my toe is all swollen and gross. It hurts all the time and there's only one pair of shoes I can wear that don't make it hurt worse. I'm not saying I don't have a hammer toe. What I am saying is something else is wrong with it. So, I called the podiatrist from my church. Unfortunately, it's Spring Break week here (although currently it feels like it should be Winter Break) and he's out of the office all week. The earliest appointment he had for a new patient was March 28. So March 28 is when I see him. It's a lot better than May 18. ;) I am keeping the May 18 appointment as well until I hear what the podiatrist says.
I got a letter in the mail from my Knoxville neurologist. At first I thought it was a bill and it laid on my kitchen table unopened for a couple of days. When I did finally open it, it wasn't a bill after all. It was letter from Dr. L. telling me that he was moving practices. I instantly thought, "Oh, no! Here we go again...", however, as I read on, he's moving to UT (The University of Tennessee) where my Nashville neurologist is also going. He's taking all my files with him and I don't have to find another local neurologist, unless I want to. What I don't know is if my Knoxville neurologist and my Nashville neurologist will be working together. If that's the case - how awesome would that be?! That would TOTALLY be a God thing!!
Speaking of mail and my Nashville neurologist - I got my portion of the bill from my two hour office appointment with him. No wonder he wasn't in a hurry to leave. Haha. Yes, it's steep, but I am so very, very thankful that I have an HSA (Health Savings Account). I am very, very thankful that I decided to put the maximum amount allowed into it and I'm very, very thankful that I had built it up a little!! Also, I have a very high deductible. I checked that today and I've almost met it for the year. It'll probably be met within a month or two. After it's met, I won't have to pay out of pocket. God provides. All the time.
I, again, am staying at the level of electricity that I've been on now for the past two weeks. Everything is not perfect, but I feel like I'm at a level I can live with. That's not to say seconds after posting this, that I'll change my mind and up it, but (I think!) I'm OK staying another week at this level. ;) I've had some problems with my hand this week, but I'm hoping it'll settle down. I'm also officially declaring that the weather does have an effect on my ability to move correctly. I was doing wonderfully and then cold weather struck and I struggled a little more. So, my stance is, weather effects me. I do poorly in cold and well in warm weather.
One quick story because I can't resist. It's too cute not to share. I have two nieces. One is 2 and 1/2 and the other will be one on April 11. The one who is 11 months old is just learning to walk. My parents bought her a walker to use at their house. She was testing it out a couple of Sundays ago and my 2 and 1/2 year old niece was watching. The next day, my mom showed my 2 and 1/2 year old niece the video she had taken of my 11 month old niece and my 2 and 1/2 year old niece, after watching the video says to my mom, "Like Aunt Tepanie!!" She remembers that I used to walk with a walker!! It was the cutest, sweetest thing to hear. Even at 2 and 1/2 she knows what's going on and what's happened in the past. Both of my nieces are my pride and joy. I could talk about them all day and all night. I am so very, very blessed to have them in my life and I love them with every fiber of my being.
It's been a good week. No falls. The toe is bothering me, but in the scheme of things, I'm still walking with no walker or cane, so all is well. I know that God's working in me and hopefully through me. My prayer every time I write a post on this blog is that my words are not my words, but God's. I pray that God works through this blog and through my life to guide people to Him. I don't have all the answers, but God does. So, if you get anything out of my posts, I hope you get that no matter what, GOD'S GOT THIS!!
Good news: I got my appointment with the orthopedic doctor to look at my toe. Bad news: It's not until May 18. After hearing me whine and complain about my toe all day Sunday, Mom convinced me to call a podiatrist that goes to my church. She used scare tactics on me: "You could die from this toe before May 18." "You could have to have your toe amputated if you wait until May 18." Thanks, Mom! ;) Sometimes, I need a little push though! She knows me. The hypochondriac in me revved into full gear. Mom usually doesn't use that tactic with me, but I guess she'd heard enough whining about it that she wanted to make sure that I actually did something about it ASAP. She showed me her hammer toe and I literally said, "which toe is it?". I couldn't tell! Her toe looks NOTHING like my toe. That might be because my toe is all swollen and gross. It hurts all the time and there's only one pair of shoes I can wear that don't make it hurt worse. I'm not saying I don't have a hammer toe. What I am saying is something else is wrong with it. So, I called the podiatrist from my church. Unfortunately, it's Spring Break week here (although currently it feels like it should be Winter Break) and he's out of the office all week. The earliest appointment he had for a new patient was March 28. So March 28 is when I see him. It's a lot better than May 18. ;) I am keeping the May 18 appointment as well until I hear what the podiatrist says.
I got a letter in the mail from my Knoxville neurologist. At first I thought it was a bill and it laid on my kitchen table unopened for a couple of days. When I did finally open it, it wasn't a bill after all. It was letter from Dr. L. telling me that he was moving practices. I instantly thought, "Oh, no! Here we go again...", however, as I read on, he's moving to UT (The University of Tennessee) where my Nashville neurologist is also going. He's taking all my files with him and I don't have to find another local neurologist, unless I want to. What I don't know is if my Knoxville neurologist and my Nashville neurologist will be working together. If that's the case - how awesome would that be?! That would TOTALLY be a God thing!!
Speaking of mail and my Nashville neurologist - I got my portion of the bill from my two hour office appointment with him. No wonder he wasn't in a hurry to leave. Haha. Yes, it's steep, but I am so very, very thankful that I have an HSA (Health Savings Account). I am very, very thankful that I decided to put the maximum amount allowed into it and I'm very, very thankful that I had built it up a little!! Also, I have a very high deductible. I checked that today and I've almost met it for the year. It'll probably be met within a month or two. After it's met, I won't have to pay out of pocket. God provides. All the time.
I, again, am staying at the level of electricity that I've been on now for the past two weeks. Everything is not perfect, but I feel like I'm at a level I can live with. That's not to say seconds after posting this, that I'll change my mind and up it, but (I think!) I'm OK staying another week at this level. ;) I've had some problems with my hand this week, but I'm hoping it'll settle down. I'm also officially declaring that the weather does have an effect on my ability to move correctly. I was doing wonderfully and then cold weather struck and I struggled a little more. So, my stance is, weather effects me. I do poorly in cold and well in warm weather.
One quick story because I can't resist. It's too cute not to share. I have two nieces. One is 2 and 1/2 and the other will be one on April 11. The one who is 11 months old is just learning to walk. My parents bought her a walker to use at their house. She was testing it out a couple of Sundays ago and my 2 and 1/2 year old niece was watching. The next day, my mom showed my 2 and 1/2 year old niece the video she had taken of my 11 month old niece and my 2 and 1/2 year old niece, after watching the video says to my mom, "Like Aunt Tepanie!!" She remembers that I used to walk with a walker!! It was the cutest, sweetest thing to hear. Even at 2 and 1/2 she knows what's going on and what's happened in the past. Both of my nieces are my pride and joy. I could talk about them all day and all night. I am so very, very blessed to have them in my life and I love them with every fiber of my being.
It's been a good week. No falls. The toe is bothering me, but in the scheme of things, I'm still walking with no walker or cane, so all is well. I know that God's working in me and hopefully through me. My prayer every time I write a post on this blog is that my words are not my words, but God's. I pray that God works through this blog and through my life to guide people to Him. I don't have all the answers, but God does. So, if you get anything out of my posts, I hope you get that no matter what, GOD'S GOT THIS!!
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Tune-In Tuesday: March 7
“There is no wrong way to walk. There’s just walking or not walking.” Oh, how I needed to hear that this past week. I was told that by a man at church, Jack, who, at first asked if I needed an arm as I walked out of church on Sunday. When I (politely!) declined, but said he could walk beside me, he did just that. We started talking and he just plain-as-day, matter-of-factly said what he said. God must have known that I needed that. It was just two sentences, but it’s opened my world (so to speak). It doesn’t matter how I walk; it matters that I walk. And I have been doing just that. Don't get me wrong. I want to walk correctly - one foot in front of the other without tripping, slipping or falling. I want my gait to be "normal". BUT - even though my gait is not normal yet - I start and stop, I don't walk "fluidly" all the time, people can probably tell that there is something wrong with me - I'm WALKING.
March 4 marked 1 month of walking with no walker and no cane. One month!!! I realized that not only did I walk without a cane or a walker, but I didn’t fall either! Not once. I didn’t really even trip or slip either. God is so good!
Speaking of walking, re-learning to do so is no small feat and not for the faint of heart. I know why God made it so that we learn to walk when we are young. First, you’ve never walked before, so you don't know about falling and you're pretty much fearless. Second, if you fall, you’re closer to the ground and you have padding (a diaper). Re-learning to walk when you’re 36 is not so easy. I know how falling feels. In my case, relearning to walk correctly is trusting fully that God will keep me upright and safe. If I should fall, it's having faith that God will keep me safe from harm and embarrassment. It's all about trust and just like my lacking patience, I tend to lack trust. God's working in me on this though. Slowly, but surely, I'm trusting more. I'm trusting God, I'm trusting the doctors, I'm trusting the process. I'm trusting.
A new funny thing that I've noticed being cane and walker free is that I have no idea what to do with my arms and hands! I've been so used to either holding the cane or holding onto a walker, that my arms and hands feel awkward now - like they have nothing to keep them occupied. I have a tendency to want to grab a hold of everything I see. I call it "wall-walking". I used to do it all the time before deep brain stimulation. When I wasn't using the walker or cane at home, I'd walk from one wall to the other or from one chair to the other, always reaching out and grabbing whatever I thought would keep me from falling. Now, I don't need nor want to do this, but I find myself (I guess it's muscle memory?) instinctively and automatically doing it. One way I'm trying to train myself not to do this is by crossing my arms. By crossing my arms, I can't reach out for something to grab a hold of. So, if you see me doing this, I'm probably not mad, I'm just trying to train my arms and hands to not reach for a wall. ;) I never in a million years thought I'd have an issue of what to do with my hands and arms while walking. Just another thing to re-learn. ;)
Last Thursday, I was on the phone with my mom and I was complaining about this “cut” I have on my toe on my left foot (the dystonic one). She finally convinced me to go to the doctor about it. I went and saw Dr. Rankin (my internist) the next day. Turns out it’s not a “cut”, but a callous and it’s the area around the callous that’s giving me so much issue. I have a callous because Dr. Rankin diagnosed me with a “hammer toe”. I had heard of that (thanks to all my medical show TV watching), but didn’t really know what it was. He explained it to me (you can Google it if you’d like, but none of the pictures really look like my toe!) and he said that in my case, he thought it was a direct symptom of my dystonia. But I’m not totally convinced of that because I found out my mom has it and my grandfather also had it. However, the conclusion is that he is sending me to an orthopedic doctor to have it looked at. He said that they may say that I need a tendon cut in my toe. When I said, “That’s surgery, right?” he kind of backed down and said I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Maybe the orthopedic doctor will have another way to treat it. So, his office made the referral, now I have to wait on them to call me to set up an appointment. Friday, I was ready to meet the orthopedic doctor and have the surgery all in one day. You do remember that patience is not one of my finer qualities, right?! But I have to wait. I have to wait for them to call and I have to wait for an appointment. The reason I even went to the doctor in the first place over this is because I’m in a lot of pain with it. My toe rubs up against my shoe and sometimes I can barely walk because it hurts so bad. This is not good! I’m trying to re-learn to walk and now I have a toe issue. ;) As I told Dr. Rankin, if it’s not one thing, it’s another! Oh well!
Walking this past week has been slow, but I’m doing it and that’s all that matters. Tonight was somewhat hilarious. Earlier in the day, I had an appointment that I had to leave work for, so when I got back to work, I had to park in the furthest handicap parking space there was as all the others were taken. When I left work tonight, it was rainy and windy. I had my yellow umbrella up and not even half-way to my car, it blew inside out. So I had to deal with walking and trying to wrestle my umbrella right side out again. I was probably a site to see! Someone even got out of their car and asked if I needed help. By that time, the umbrella was down and I was feet from my car, so I told him no. God got me safely to my car without any other “incidents” – haha! I was actually laughing as I got in the car.
I decided not to turn up the electricity in my brain this week. I’m going to see what another week on this level does. It's been a good past week. There were definitely times of struggle, but I think another week on this level of electricity might help even things out. But, really, who knows?! Only God. So, I'll trust Him.
I am so very thankful and so very blessed that as I sit here tonight I can look back over the week that was and know that God protected me every step of the way. I'm growing deeper in my faith and trust in Him and yes, I'm even growing a little in the patience department too. ;) God’s Got This!!
March 4 marked 1 month of walking with no walker and no cane. One month!!! I realized that not only did I walk without a cane or a walker, but I didn’t fall either! Not once. I didn’t really even trip or slip either. God is so good!
Speaking of walking, re-learning to do so is no small feat and not for the faint of heart. I know why God made it so that we learn to walk when we are young. First, you’ve never walked before, so you don't know about falling and you're pretty much fearless. Second, if you fall, you’re closer to the ground and you have padding (a diaper). Re-learning to walk when you’re 36 is not so easy. I know how falling feels. In my case, relearning to walk correctly is trusting fully that God will keep me upright and safe. If I should fall, it's having faith that God will keep me safe from harm and embarrassment. It's all about trust and just like my lacking patience, I tend to lack trust. God's working in me on this though. Slowly, but surely, I'm trusting more. I'm trusting God, I'm trusting the doctors, I'm trusting the process. I'm trusting.
A new funny thing that I've noticed being cane and walker free is that I have no idea what to do with my arms and hands! I've been so used to either holding the cane or holding onto a walker, that my arms and hands feel awkward now - like they have nothing to keep them occupied. I have a tendency to want to grab a hold of everything I see. I call it "wall-walking". I used to do it all the time before deep brain stimulation. When I wasn't using the walker or cane at home, I'd walk from one wall to the other or from one chair to the other, always reaching out and grabbing whatever I thought would keep me from falling. Now, I don't need nor want to do this, but I find myself (I guess it's muscle memory?) instinctively and automatically doing it. One way I'm trying to train myself not to do this is by crossing my arms. By crossing my arms, I can't reach out for something to grab a hold of. So, if you see me doing this, I'm probably not mad, I'm just trying to train my arms and hands to not reach for a wall. ;) I never in a million years thought I'd have an issue of what to do with my hands and arms while walking. Just another thing to re-learn. ;)
Last Thursday, I was on the phone with my mom and I was complaining about this “cut” I have on my toe on my left foot (the dystonic one). She finally convinced me to go to the doctor about it. I went and saw Dr. Rankin (my internist) the next day. Turns out it’s not a “cut”, but a callous and it’s the area around the callous that’s giving me so much issue. I have a callous because Dr. Rankin diagnosed me with a “hammer toe”. I had heard of that (thanks to all my medical show TV watching), but didn’t really know what it was. He explained it to me (you can Google it if you’d like, but none of the pictures really look like my toe!) and he said that in my case, he thought it was a direct symptom of my dystonia. But I’m not totally convinced of that because I found out my mom has it and my grandfather also had it. However, the conclusion is that he is sending me to an orthopedic doctor to have it looked at. He said that they may say that I need a tendon cut in my toe. When I said, “That’s surgery, right?” he kind of backed down and said I shouldn’t get ahead of myself. Maybe the orthopedic doctor will have another way to treat it. So, his office made the referral, now I have to wait on them to call me to set up an appointment. Friday, I was ready to meet the orthopedic doctor and have the surgery all in one day. You do remember that patience is not one of my finer qualities, right?! But I have to wait. I have to wait for them to call and I have to wait for an appointment. The reason I even went to the doctor in the first place over this is because I’m in a lot of pain with it. My toe rubs up against my shoe and sometimes I can barely walk because it hurts so bad. This is not good! I’m trying to re-learn to walk and now I have a toe issue. ;) As I told Dr. Rankin, if it’s not one thing, it’s another! Oh well!
Walking this past week has been slow, but I’m doing it and that’s all that matters. Tonight was somewhat hilarious. Earlier in the day, I had an appointment that I had to leave work for, so when I got back to work, I had to park in the furthest handicap parking space there was as all the others were taken. When I left work tonight, it was rainy and windy. I had my yellow umbrella up and not even half-way to my car, it blew inside out. So I had to deal with walking and trying to wrestle my umbrella right side out again. I was probably a site to see! Someone even got out of their car and asked if I needed help. By that time, the umbrella was down and I was feet from my car, so I told him no. God got me safely to my car without any other “incidents” – haha! I was actually laughing as I got in the car.
I decided not to turn up the electricity in my brain this week. I’m going to see what another week on this level does. It's been a good past week. There were definitely times of struggle, but I think another week on this level of electricity might help even things out. But, really, who knows?! Only God. So, I'll trust Him.
I am so very thankful and so very blessed that as I sit here tonight I can look back over the week that was and know that God protected me every step of the way. I'm growing deeper in my faith and trust in Him and yes, I'm even growing a little in the patience department too. ;) God’s Got This!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Turn-It-Up Tuesday: February 28
This past week, walking was a challenge. There’s no denying that. But now, being on the other side of last week, I can look back and declare that God remained faithful through every second of it. Every second. He never left me. I struggled, yes, but I didn’t fall once. That's how good God is. I made it to this week. God is good!
Unfortunately, this past week, I’ve been very, very impatient. So much so, that I let my impatience run a little wild. That was evidenced by how many times I adjusted the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I couldn’t wait until today. I went from 3.60 volts last Tuesday, February 21, down to 3.50 volts on Thursday, February 23, back up to 3.80 volts on Friday, February 24, and up to the highest level I could go (4.10 volts) this morning only to take myself back down to 3.90 volts this afternoon. I warned you, I was impatient. ;)
I am very thankful that I can adjust the electrical settings on my own through a remote control. It was on Friday that I adjusted the level of electricity I was on, while I was sitting at my desk at work. I did the same thing today - turning it down, while I was sitting at my desk at work. The inner workings of our bodies and the brain-boggling way that God has provided for man to understand how the brain works and to be able to come up with processes like deep brain stimulation continue to awe and amaze me! I mean, for me to be sitting on my bed or at my desk at work or in a grocery store and be able to change how much electricity is going through my brain and to see how it immediately takes away adverse side effects of the actual stimulation, is just utterly awe-inducing.
This past week, I was impatient and frustrated and just plain worn out, but, you know what? Today, I’m recharging. I'm reminded that God's mercies are new every morning. Joy comes in the morning. So, I’m joyful and grateful. God is so, so good.
God shows His mercies in His perfect time. His perfect time is rarely ever my perfect time, but I trust that He knows best! As I was struggling with impatience and frustration this past week, I received the sweetest gifts from people who probably don’t even know they blessed me in the way they did.
Yesterday, I got a call from a co-worker (who’s not in my department). She asked about a work thing, but then, out-of-the-blue, told me what an encouragement my blog was to her. I was floored. I was humbled. I was so ever grateful to hear her words. She said that she was blessed by my posts. Out-of-nowhere. That’s God’s perfect timing!
Another co-worker (again, someone who’s not in my department) said that she was so blessed and encouraged to see me walking. We then started talking about how it's in the process - no matter how brutal or long it is - that we find God's blessings. It’s in the process that our faith grows. If everything were hunky-dory (haha, I don’t know where that word came from in my brain, but I’m using it!), we wouldn’t long for Jesus like we do when everything’s falling apart. It’s only in the process that our faith grows deeper and our joy comes to fruition. My conversation with this co-worker was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. That's God's perfect timing!
I still have lots of fears. I’m human, so I’ll always have them, but during this journey, this process, God continues to show how ever faithful He is. He continues to love me when I’m unlovable. He continues to bless me when I don’t deserve it. He continues to surprise me when I least expect it.
Yes, the past week wasn’t one of my best, but it was better than where I was last year at this time. I'm growing. I have good days and bad days. I have days when my walking is wonderful. I also have days when walking is less than wonderful. The same goes for my faith. I have days when my faith is strong and days when my faith wavers. But God never wavers. He is strong. He is able. He is everything.
I'll close with this: The Deep Brain Stimulation process requires 3 surgeries (at least mine did). My final surgery was on February 29, 2016 - LEAP Day. This was purely coincidental in the eyes of the world, but I know, it was divine. I believe it was God's humorous way of reassuring me that everything would be OK. It was His way of confirming that He's got me in the palm of His hand and in His perfect timing, I will LEAP again. God's Got This!!!
Unfortunately, this past week, I’ve been very, very impatient. So much so, that I let my impatience run a little wild. That was evidenced by how many times I adjusted the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I couldn’t wait until today. I went from 3.60 volts last Tuesday, February 21, down to 3.50 volts on Thursday, February 23, back up to 3.80 volts on Friday, February 24, and up to the highest level I could go (4.10 volts) this morning only to take myself back down to 3.90 volts this afternoon. I warned you, I was impatient. ;)
I am very thankful that I can adjust the electrical settings on my own through a remote control. It was on Friday that I adjusted the level of electricity I was on, while I was sitting at my desk at work. I did the same thing today - turning it down, while I was sitting at my desk at work. The inner workings of our bodies and the brain-boggling way that God has provided for man to understand how the brain works and to be able to come up with processes like deep brain stimulation continue to awe and amaze me! I mean, for me to be sitting on my bed or at my desk at work or in a grocery store and be able to change how much electricity is going through my brain and to see how it immediately takes away adverse side effects of the actual stimulation, is just utterly awe-inducing.
This past week, I was impatient and frustrated and just plain worn out, but, you know what? Today, I’m recharging. I'm reminded that God's mercies are new every morning. Joy comes in the morning. So, I’m joyful and grateful. God is so, so good.
God shows His mercies in His perfect time. His perfect time is rarely ever my perfect time, but I trust that He knows best! As I was struggling with impatience and frustration this past week, I received the sweetest gifts from people who probably don’t even know they blessed me in the way they did.
Yesterday, I got a call from a co-worker (who’s not in my department). She asked about a work thing, but then, out-of-the-blue, told me what an encouragement my blog was to her. I was floored. I was humbled. I was so ever grateful to hear her words. She said that she was blessed by my posts. Out-of-nowhere. That’s God’s perfect timing!
Another co-worker (again, someone who’s not in my department) said that she was so blessed and encouraged to see me walking. We then started talking about how it's in the process - no matter how brutal or long it is - that we find God's blessings. It’s in the process that our faith grows. If everything were hunky-dory (haha, I don’t know where that word came from in my brain, but I’m using it!), we wouldn’t long for Jesus like we do when everything’s falling apart. It’s only in the process that our faith grows deeper and our joy comes to fruition. My conversation with this co-worker was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. That's God's perfect timing!
I still have lots of fears. I’m human, so I’ll always have them, but during this journey, this process, God continues to show how ever faithful He is. He continues to love me when I’m unlovable. He continues to bless me when I don’t deserve it. He continues to surprise me when I least expect it.
Yes, the past week wasn’t one of my best, but it was better than where I was last year at this time. I'm growing. I have good days and bad days. I have days when my walking is wonderful. I also have days when walking is less than wonderful. The same goes for my faith. I have days when my faith is strong and days when my faith wavers. But God never wavers. He is strong. He is able. He is everything.
I'll close with this: The Deep Brain Stimulation process requires 3 surgeries (at least mine did). My final surgery was on February 29, 2016 - LEAP Day. This was purely coincidental in the eyes of the world, but I know, it was divine. I believe it was God's humorous way of reassuring me that everything would be OK. It was His way of confirming that He's got me in the palm of His hand and in His perfect timing, I will LEAP again. God's Got This!!!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Turn-It-Down Tuesday: February 21
God shows up in amazing ways! My walking wasn’t all that great this past week, but I marvel at how God works. I’m a little stubborn (ha – "little" may be a huge understatement!) so I refuse to use the walker or the cane and God still keeps me from falling. That's an amazing God!
For the past three Sundays now, I've struggled walking in the parking lot getting inside church, however GOD shows up every single time. For three weeks, He has sent someone to walk beside me. I know God’s always by my side, but He sent someone to physically be there with me as well. For the first two Sundays it was my friend, Tina. This last Sunday, it was my friend Crystal. I don’t know if they truly understand what an answer to prayer they were and are. If not, and if they are reading, I hope they do now. Thank you, Tina and Crystal. Thank you for walking each painfully slow step with me – letting me walk on my own – but being there “just in case”. I’ll never forget that you walked with me.
I also really struggled getting into work on Monday morning, but again God showed up. This time it was the reverse of Sunday. ;) He showed up by not letting anyone else be around while I walked in. I went at my own pace (slower than slow) and made it with His help. Sometimes, I need God AND people and other times, I just need/want God. He knows this!! I really do stand in awe of how He works.
I sometimes wonder what’s on security camera footage at work though. Thankfully, to date, I haven’t fallen in front of a camera (that I know of), but I do wonder if security thinks, “Why is she walking so slow!” I know I can’t worry about this stuff, but it does cross my mind! I mean, I am so slow, I’m pretty sure a tortoise could win a race against me. Haha. Oh well. That’s what makes me unique, right?!
This was the scene in my bedroom this morning:
The struggle is real, people. :) I have a cut on my toe that's just as stubborn as me and won't go away! I’ve bought every bandage, in every size and the cut will not heal. I found some old Neosporin and put that on, only to read that it expired in 2012. ;) This morning I found a triple antibiotic ointment that I used last year to put on my scars from the deep brain stimulation surgeries. It, thankfully, doesn’t expire until 2018 so I applied it. The thing is, it’s extremely hard to keep a bandage on my toe because of the toe it is on. My toe also swells because of the cut and also because of the rubbing it does against shoes. It took several tries to this morning to get a bandage to stick on my toe but, finally...success:
The cut is why I have momentarily boycotted wearing shoes when I’m at home, so that it can heal. In fact, these are what I’ve worn to work-out in the past couple of work-outs:
Don’t laugh (OK, laugh all you want, because it is funny!!), they actually work because they have a sole on them. My tennis shoes were hurting and I tried flip-flops and those didn’t work out. (Just as a reminder, I ride a stationary bike, so it’s not like I’m doing Pilates or Zumba or running half marathons in house slippers!) The cut is stubborn, but I'm more stubborn. I am determined to do everything I can to get it to heal. My walking may even improve drastically because I won't be worrying that my toe is going to hurt.
As for my actual walking, I noticed that this past week was nowhere near as good as the previous two weeks, so I decided to take the electricity down a notch. Awkward movements in my hand and problems walking led to this decision. I am pretty sure that I’m on the right “node” because my foot still does lay flat, but not the right amount of electricity. So, I’ll try this reduced amount and see if that helps at all. I’m now at 3.60 volts.
So…I am pretty sure that everyone reading this blog knows that I am a pastor’s kid. If not, I just told you, so now you know. ;) I also think that everyone knows that I go to the church my dad is the pastor of. And finally, everyone knows that I’ve been walking with a walker for over 10 years now. All that background to say this: Last Wednesday night, I went to church. As I pulled in the parking lot, I noticed that there was a new sign accompanying a few of the handicap signs that were already in place. My first reaction was to take a picture. My second reaction?! I laughed so hard. You cannot tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Here’s the sign:
For a little perspective: I saw this sign 11 days after I went “cold-turkey” on using either the walker or my cane. I had not been using my walker for a while, but was 11 days out from using any assistance. Only 11 days!! These signs weren’t there the Sunday before (or at least I didn’t see them). I mean, for over 10 years, I've walked with a walker and 11 days after I go cold-turkey on any assistance, they put these signs up?!! What about the past ten years?!! Haha. God, your sense of humor is awesome. :)I love it! Laughter sometimes truly IS the best medicine. I serve a God who knows I need laughter in my life. Thank you, God for this. It's truly just what I needed! As someone pointed out, now that I AM walking, I deserve to park there as it does say “wheelchairs and WALKERS only”. Haha.
I have one very important anniversary coming up. February 23 will be one year since the actual deep brain surgery. It's not the day the device was turned on and activated, that was March 29, but it's the day of the big, awake brain surgery. How can it already be a year?!! All I can do is marvel and stand in awe of what God has done and will continue to do. So, even with a few not-so-great walking days this past week, I can still say that I am incredibly blessed and I’m getting better….one very, extremely, slow step at a time. ;) God’s Got This!!
For the past three Sundays now, I've struggled walking in the parking lot getting inside church, however GOD shows up every single time. For three weeks, He has sent someone to walk beside me. I know God’s always by my side, but He sent someone to physically be there with me as well. For the first two Sundays it was my friend, Tina. This last Sunday, it was my friend Crystal. I don’t know if they truly understand what an answer to prayer they were and are. If not, and if they are reading, I hope they do now. Thank you, Tina and Crystal. Thank you for walking each painfully slow step with me – letting me walk on my own – but being there “just in case”. I’ll never forget that you walked with me.
I also really struggled getting into work on Monday morning, but again God showed up. This time it was the reverse of Sunday. ;) He showed up by not letting anyone else be around while I walked in. I went at my own pace (slower than slow) and made it with His help. Sometimes, I need God AND people and other times, I just need/want God. He knows this!! I really do stand in awe of how He works.
I sometimes wonder what’s on security camera footage at work though. Thankfully, to date, I haven’t fallen in front of a camera (that I know of), but I do wonder if security thinks, “Why is she walking so slow!” I know I can’t worry about this stuff, but it does cross my mind! I mean, I am so slow, I’m pretty sure a tortoise could win a race against me. Haha. Oh well. That’s what makes me unique, right?!
This was the scene in my bedroom this morning:
The struggle is real, people. :) I have a cut on my toe that's just as stubborn as me and won't go away! I’ve bought every bandage, in every size and the cut will not heal. I found some old Neosporin and put that on, only to read that it expired in 2012. ;) This morning I found a triple antibiotic ointment that I used last year to put on my scars from the deep brain stimulation surgeries. It, thankfully, doesn’t expire until 2018 so I applied it. The thing is, it’s extremely hard to keep a bandage on my toe because of the toe it is on. My toe also swells because of the cut and also because of the rubbing it does against shoes. It took several tries to this morning to get a bandage to stick on my toe but, finally...success:
The cut is why I have momentarily boycotted wearing shoes when I’m at home, so that it can heal. In fact, these are what I’ve worn to work-out in the past couple of work-outs:
Don’t laugh (OK, laugh all you want, because it is funny!!), they actually work because they have a sole on them. My tennis shoes were hurting and I tried flip-flops and those didn’t work out. (Just as a reminder, I ride a stationary bike, so it’s not like I’m doing Pilates or Zumba or running half marathons in house slippers!) The cut is stubborn, but I'm more stubborn. I am determined to do everything I can to get it to heal. My walking may even improve drastically because I won't be worrying that my toe is going to hurt.
As for my actual walking, I noticed that this past week was nowhere near as good as the previous two weeks, so I decided to take the electricity down a notch. Awkward movements in my hand and problems walking led to this decision. I am pretty sure that I’m on the right “node” because my foot still does lay flat, but not the right amount of electricity. So, I’ll try this reduced amount and see if that helps at all. I’m now at 3.60 volts.
So…I am pretty sure that everyone reading this blog knows that I am a pastor’s kid. If not, I just told you, so now you know. ;) I also think that everyone knows that I go to the church my dad is the pastor of. And finally, everyone knows that I’ve been walking with a walker for over 10 years now. All that background to say this: Last Wednesday night, I went to church. As I pulled in the parking lot, I noticed that there was a new sign accompanying a few of the handicap signs that were already in place. My first reaction was to take a picture. My second reaction?! I laughed so hard. You cannot tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor. Here’s the sign:
For a little perspective: I saw this sign 11 days after I went “cold-turkey” on using either the walker or my cane. I had not been using my walker for a while, but was 11 days out from using any assistance. Only 11 days!! These signs weren’t there the Sunday before (or at least I didn’t see them). I mean, for over 10 years, I've walked with a walker and 11 days after I go cold-turkey on any assistance, they put these signs up?!! What about the past ten years?!! Haha. God, your sense of humor is awesome. :)I love it! Laughter sometimes truly IS the best medicine. I serve a God who knows I need laughter in my life. Thank you, God for this. It's truly just what I needed! As someone pointed out, now that I AM walking, I deserve to park there as it does say “wheelchairs and WALKERS only”. Haha.
I have one very important anniversary coming up. February 23 will be one year since the actual deep brain surgery. It's not the day the device was turned on and activated, that was March 29, but it's the day of the big, awake brain surgery. How can it already be a year?!! All I can do is marvel and stand in awe of what God has done and will continue to do. So, even with a few not-so-great walking days this past week, I can still say that I am incredibly blessed and I’m getting better….one very, extremely, slow step at a time. ;) God’s Got This!!
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