Happy Tuesday, everyone! I hope you survived Monday and Tuesday was good to you. I can’t believe a week has passed since my last entry. Where does the time go?!
First off, I realized why I was in such a bad mood last week after the news about toe surgery. I hate to admit this, but in reality, it was all about my stubbornness and vanity. I came to realize that I didn’t want to have to use any assistive device like crutches, a walker, a wheelchair or a cane to get around while recovering. How dumb is that? But that’s what it was all about. I’ve just got to “suck it up, buttercup!” and deal with it! Once I realized that was the true issue behind my grouchiness, it’s been smooth sailing ever since! I’m excited about the surgery (or as excited as one can get for surgery). I do want my toes to lay flat and I do want to walk better. Surgery is set for April 18. I think it was announced in church (at least at the 11am service) that it’s on the 17th, but it is actually on Tuesday, April 18.
Last Wednesday night, I went to church and was talking with a friend (Sylvia) before the service started. She and I chatted about hammer toes and just toe issues in general. She had read my blog post from the night before. She said that she had looked into toe surgery about 10 years ago and the doctors told her to be prepared to not be able to bend her toes anymore because of the fusion and the rods. She asked if I had discussed that with Dr. Gardner and I told her the truth – I couldn’t remember! Then I started questioning myself: “He does know, I’m relearning to walk, right?” “Did he say that I wouldn’t be able to bend my toes at all?” “Did I ask him if I’d be able to walk normally?” I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE how God works because no sooner had I started questioning myself then I turned around in the pew and two rows back, sat Dr. Gardner! So, I went and asked him – haha!! I did apologize for asking him medical stuff while at church, but he said he didn’t mind. ;) He clarified that he would only fuse one of the joints – so yes, that joint won’t be bendable, but there are 3 joints in the toe and I will be able to bend the other two joints. He said it won’t impair my walking, but improve it. Another worry, checked off my list! Thank you, Jesus (and Dr. Gardner!). Dr. Gardner asked if I had informed my DBS neurologist at Vanderbilt yet about the surgery and I told him I hadn’t. I wasn’t sure that I was going to. Dr. Gardner was OK with that, but he said that he always likes to have as much information as possible. I pondered that. The next day, I e-mailed Dr. Tolleson at Vanderbilt. I e-mailed him so I could remember everything I wanted/needed to say/ask him. The phone is not always my friend – I forget what I’m supposed to ask or just get flustered. E-mail is much better for me. I thought maybe his nurse would contact me, but no, I got a response directly from him! He has no major reservations about the surgery and confirmed that Dr. Gardner was correct – I’d need some kind of physical intervention to get the toes to lay flat (because they’ve been balled up for 10-12 years now and they’ve kind of fused themselves to that position). He reminded me though that without DBS or another treatment, my toes could still pull. He told me if Dr. Gardner had any concerns that he could call him. He also reminded me that I need to turn the DBS stimulator off while in surgery and ended with “direct electrocautery away from the battery.” :) Duly noted!! I feel much better that everyone is now informed.
On Saturday, I did something I realized I hadn’t done since going cane and walker free – I walked all by myself into Ross Dress for Less. No walker, no cane, no shopping cart – just me, my legs and my balled up toes. I even crossed over the dreaded lane that cars drive through and didn’t worry if a car had to stop and wait for me. I walked in front of people and didn’t crumble! Once in the store, I decided to try on dresses. I realized when I got to the dressing room that I could go to any dressing room I so desired to because I didn’t have to worry about fitting the walker into the room. I fit into a fitting room!! :) I know all of this is silly to all of you, but it’s life-changing, soul-lifting stuff to me.
Sunday, I again did something I haven’t done in 10-12 years. There were NO parking spots close to the door. There weren’t even any handicap parking spots. In cases like this, I usually circle the parking lot several times and a spot usually becomes available. But Sunday, I parked “way far-away” (at least for me) - on the outer spots of the parking lot and I walked. Cars had to stop so that I could cross over the parking lot. I was slightly embarrassed, but I pressed on. I made it inside with no falls, no walker, no cane. I made it. It was monumental. I’m blessed. Walking is not perfect – it may never be, but I’m doing it and for that I give God all the praise. I start and stop. I don’t walk fluidly. I have issues. But I also have a fire that burns in me, a “Type A” personality, stubbornness to the core and determination that won’t be shaken. I have God on my side. He’s truly all I need! Sunday night and again tonight, I walked into Kroger without a shopping cart, cane or walker. I walked in front of people. All of this is truly God. Thank you, Lord for building confidence and character in me. It’s a slow process, but I’m learning.
Ya’ll, I am still so amazed that I don’t use a walker or a cane anymore. There are days and times when I want to, but I don’t. I press on. I put one foot in the front of the other and do the best I can. God hasn’t failed me. Not one time. And He never will fail me. He’s there to catch me, love me, console me, reassure me, uplift me, strengthen me, build confidence in me, and the list could go on and on and on. I’m in awe. Always remember…God’s Got This!
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