I took last week off from blogging because we were celebrating my grandmother who turned 95 on July 21. We had a wonderful time taking her to see the play "Driving Miss Daisy" and celebrating with cake and ice cream.
As for me, I adjusted the electricity in my deep brain stimulation system. I had been on Frequency A giving myself 3.60 volts of electricity, but felt like I needed more. So, on July 9 I adjusted the electricity and went up to 3.70 volts. I lasted one day shy of two weeks (the length of time it usually takes to see a difference in my walking) on this setting before adjusting it down to 3.50 volts on July 22. But on Sunday (July 25), I went back up to 3.60 volts. It's been crazy. 3.70 volts ended up being too much. 3.50 ended up being too little. Hopefully, 3.60 volts will be the "sweet spot" again. Maybe my body just needed to see what was too much and too little again to realize that 3.60 is the right setting? I really have no idea. It's all just trial and error, but for now, I'm back to 3.60 volts on Frequency A. It's not been perfect, but perfect is boring, right?! :)
At 3.70 volts, the electricity was too high. How did I come to this conclusion? My left hand. I had so many problems with it being too stiff. I couldn't open and close it normally and when I gripped things (i.e. my cane), I gripped them way too hard to the point of my hand aching. It's really hard to describe how I know this was too much electricity, but I just know. Since I had been at 3.60 volts just two weeks prior and it wasn't working for me, I decided to go down to 3.50 volts and yet that proved to be too little electricity. I felt too free - ha! How to describe how I felt at 3.50 volts - well, my leg muscles were just too much like jelly. They were too loose. I felt like I had no control over them. I was getting more spasms. I guess both cases (being too high and too low) can be summed up like this: I had no control. No control over whether I was going to have a muscle spasm or whether my foot would just shake and not be able to give me a steady anchor.
I try to convey how I feel or what life is like for me, but really (and I don't mean to disrespect anyone by saying this) you can't really know unless you have the same experience. Isn't that true about a lot of life's experiences?
I know stress exacerbates my symptoms as does a lot of other "outside" factors. I know this is true of a lot of other diseases that a lot of other people suffer through, so I know I'm not alone in that department. The older I get, the more I am aware that ALL people struggle with something. I try to give grace because grace has been given to me. I'm trying to give grace to myself as well. It's hard for this type-A girl to not be "perfect". I put a lot of undue stress on myself by letting pride come before the (sometimes literal) fall. My self-esteem plummets at times, but then I just have to remind myself that I have something I can't control and sometimes I just have to use assistance in whatever form that takes place in (cane, walker, a helping hand). Sometimes that assistance also comes in the form of a good cry behind the scenes before I pick myself up, wash my face and carry on. I know I'm not alone in this either!
I can be having a down day or moment, but then I'm reminded how loved I am by God. I'm reminded that I'm not the only one walking through a storm. I'm reminded that God sends storms in life to test us. He's always with me; He just wants to see if I'm always with Him. I never pray harder or seek Him more then when in the belly of a storm. He wants me (and all of us) to seek Him, to trust Him, have faith in Him and call upon Him in the mountaintop experiences as hard as we do when we feel like we're sinking in the depths of a storm. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.
Always remember...God's Got This!
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