This past week, I tried to give myself grace, however, more than not, I got frustrated. I didn’t magically or miraculously return to walking as I had hoped I would. Walking is an art as much as it is a science. 😊 I fell again – this time on Wednesday and at work. I was rushing (at least trying to!). The fall aggravated the same knee with the same cut I got on Easter Sunday and therefore it bled. I think I need a skin graft on that area by now. I’m only kidding (well, slightly, anyway). But seriously, the skin is so thin on that knee that any bump or aggravation to it immediately rips the skin off and causes it to bleed all over again. Therefore, it takes on the appearance that I am hurt worse than I am. Since Wednesday, I’ve been putting triple antibiotic ointment on it and covering it in a huge bandage. Since Easter Sunday, I had been using regular sized bandages, but each time I would have to take it off (I let it stay on as long as possible), it would tear off the new skin that was growing. When I fell on Wednesday, I had a bandage on it, but it didn’t help at all. So, I started wearing the larger ones – not that the cut is that big, it just protects it more.
By Saturday, I was fed up with the way I was walking. There was nothing to be stressed about, nothing to explain why I wasn’t walking any better. I had a friend at church (Carrie) ask me on Wednesday how I was doing. She was there on Sunday when I was foraging the church’s kitchen first aid box for a bandage. I told her that I had fallen again that day and she asked if I needed more electricity. I pondered that and by Saturday decided that I should at least try it. I could always go back or adjust if needed and walking was not any better on Saturday then it had been. So, I upped the electricity in my deep brain stimulation device. I stayed on the same frequency (A) but increased the voltage from 3.20 volts to 3.40 volts. Almost immediately, I could sense it in my left hand. But, since this is an art as much as a science, I must give it time. I doubt myself often though. I know what Dr. Tolleson (my neurologist) has told me and I do what he says, but that doesn’t lessen my doubt that I’m doing the right thing. Maybe I should have stayed at the level I was at for another week or so? Maybe I should have only gone up by .10 to 3.30 volts instead of 3.40? Those are some of the thoughts that go through my head. But in the end, I know God’s in control, so everything will work out as it should. However, I’d kind of like it to work out faster. 😉 Again, my impatience is showing!
This past week, I re-watched the movie, “Miracles From Heaven”. It’s based on a true story of a little girl from Texas who was miraculously healed from a devastating disease after falling the equivalent of three stories in a hollowed-out tree. The first time I saw the movie, it was right after the deep brain stimulation surgeries. I loved it. I now own the movie on DVD, but hadn’t re-watched it, until Saturday. I thought maybe I wouldn’t like it as much as the first time because I wasn’t just recovering from surgery, but that was not the case. In some ways, I loved it even more this time because I’m two years post-surgery. I know that God is the God of Miracles, but I’m also human and impatient and fallible. That part of me leads me to doubt sometimes that God hears or will heal. I know in my heart and soul that He does, but sometimes when I’m in the weeds it’s much easier to doubt than to have faith. Through the movie, God reminded me that even when I doubt or when I’m sure He’s not listening, He’s still working for me and in me and through me. It also reminded me that God’s time is God’s time and not mine. He works on His schedule, not mine.
Saturday, Mom and I went to the Knoxville Symphony Orchestra. It was cold and rainy (actually SNOWY on APRIL 7 – this is NOT Knoxville, Tennessee weather!!!), but I had the best time. We went out to eat beforehand and got to talk, just the two of us. She gave wonderful advice on some things I needed advice on and I loved spending time with her. But, I started second guessing my decision to up the electricity. I didn't walk all that great, but I didn't fall either, so it turned out alright!
Sunday, I prayed that I would be able to walk without falling. Whether it’s psychosomatic, physical or a little bit of both, messing with the electricity messes with me for a little awhile after I adjust it. I wasn’t feeling all that steady on Sunday, but God had me covered. I found a handicap parking spot close to the door at church. No sooner had I gotten out of my car than my friends (and Sunday school leaders!), Brian and Whitney came walking by. I held on to Whitney. Later that morning, at the end of Bible study my sister-in-law sent me a text and asked if I was at church and if I was, if I could watch my almost two-year-old niece, Hope, for a minute while Aubrey got ready to sing in our praise band. Of course, I would watch Hope! When I got down to the family life center, while I was still at the back and Hope was at the front, Hope spotted me and started running full speed in my direction, yelling “Aunt Stephanie! Aunt Stephanie!” When she made it to me, she gave me the biggest hug. And whatever worries I had, just melted away. There’s nothing better than unconditional love. It was such a HUGE metaphor for God’s love. No matter what, even with all the filth of sin, God loves me unconditionally.
Tonight, I had yoga. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it. While I did “homework” this past week, I didn’t do it as much as I should have or even could have. But tonight was awesome. Meryl, my instructor asked what I was feeling like doing. I concluded that I wanted a little bit of being pushed and a little bit restorative. That’s what we did and I felt so empowered afterwards. Meryl is such an awesome teacher. She is very compassionate and yet knows when to push. I’m blessed by her every time I see her.
This past week, I once again learned so much about life and love and patience and perseverance. I end this post as I always do, proclaiming that “God’s Got This” because He most certainly does!
No comments:
Post a Comment