In last week’s post, I said that I was having a difficult week because it felt like I was completely off-balanced and walking like I had before the DBS surgery. Well, it didn’t get much better after that post. Wednesday, I LITERALLY fell out of my cube at work. I got up and had my walker in front of me. I took a step with my right leg, but when I tried to do the same with my left, my leg and foot cramped up and turned in and even though I was holding on to the walker, it didn't prevent me from falling to my knees. A few seconds after I fell, my co-worker who sits right beside me (across the aisle in her own cube), turned around in her chair and exclaimed, “Did you just fall?” At this point, I was still on my knees. I sheepishly got up and exclaimed, “Yeah”. I wanted to cry. Not because I was hurt in any way, but because I was so frustrated. My co-worker, almost instantly after she asked whether I fell, exclaimed “That was a dumb question! Why else would you be kneeling in the aisle?” At this, I burst out laughing hysterically. I responded with, “Oh, I just felt the urge to pray!” A few seconds later, I exclaimed, “I was just taking a knee.” We continued to laugh hysterically about the incident throughout the rest of the day and even now. It was absolutely, hands-down the funniest fall I’ve ever had. That’s God. He turns frustration into laughter.
My second fall came this past Sunday in the afternoon at home. Again, I didn’t hurt myself. I was just frustrated with myself. I also hadn’t been using the walker or cane. I’d been using my skills as a “wall-walker” (touching the walls and allowing them to keep me balanced). Obviously, I need to refine those skills because, just like on Wednesday, I tried stepping with my left leg and foot and both of them cramped up and turned in. I sent a text to my mom: “Fell again. Didn’t hurt myself. I was in the hallway at the house and wasn’t using my walker or cane. My leg and foot just turned in and cramped up. Oh well.” This fall was nowhere near as funny as the one on Wednesday, but I am very, very thankful that I didn’t hurt myself either time. That’s God.
I have this weird thing that goes on with me. I’m not sure if it’s just me (it probably is!) or if this happens to other people as well. Sometimes, falling is the best thing for me. Often after a fall, I feel better. I know, that’s seriously odd, right?! It’s almost like I’m not afraid to fall after I’ve done it once. Weird, right? Or do others feel like this too? Sometimes, I almost feel stronger after a fall. I say this only to say that that didn’t really happen this time. ;) I still felt very off-balance, “weak” and not my regular walking self. I put weak in quotes because, my leg and foot are actually (maybe surprisingly?) not weak. I have pretty strong muscles. It’s the signal from my brain to my leg and foot that gets crossed. It’s frustrating, yes, but even in the falls, I see God. The fact that I have been kept safe in each fall – that’s God. I haven’t broken a bone or done major damage to myself in any fall. That’s God.
One good thing about having deep brain stimulation surgeries in February is that I met my insurance deductible by March. I paid a good chunk of change at the very beginning of this process and that helped a lot. I’m still getting bills from the hospital, but those are the ones that hit before my deductible was met. I am incredibly grateful for an HSA (health savings account) that I had built up a little and good insurance. I did elect to have a high deductible so that once it was met, I’d have zero out of pocket expenses, but it still comes as a shock when the bills come in the mail. What’s extremely shocking is the actual amount of money certain aspects of the surgery cost. When I see $53,000+, $18,000+, I thank the good Lord above for insurance! I am super thankful to the Lord for allowing me to see humor in it too. I was examining one of the more recent bills a little more closely. There were line items and on this particular bill there was a line item for “TWST DRILL, BURR HOL”. I almost had a panic attack as to how much 30 seconds of drilling a hole in my skull cost. BUT, I like to think that it costs that much, not because of the actual drilling, but because it didn’t kill me. Just the words twist and drill and burr and hole used together…that’s enough to scare me. The fact that it didn’t kill me to have this done, well that’s priceless. The brain is an amazing thing. Speaking of panic attacks (which I’ve suffered from since I was 10), the fact that I had awake brain surgery and didn’t have one inkling of even the beginnings of a panic attack, well, that’s just God. He allowed me to be way more fascinated with the entire situation then I was scared about it and I’m incredibly thankful for that!
I’ve been dealing with resetting my expectations for this deep brain stimulation process. I knew going in that it would take 3-6 months to see results. What I didn’t prepare myself for was the ups and downs of the process. I had it in my mind that it would be slow, yes, but I would only see progress. Ha! Not so much. There are many back-peddling instances and reminders that not everything is going to be rosy on this journey. It’s definitely a roller coaster ride with highs and lows, twists and turns. But in the midst, down in the trenches that’s where God shows up and somehow through His grace, I get up, shake the dust off and keep going. I’m reminded time and time again, that I’m blessed. I was speaking with a woman at church who is in chronic pain all the time. I realized how blessed I am. For all the frustrations and tears, I hardly ever have pain. Unless that is, if I fall and injure myself. But then again, I fell twice last week and didn’t injure myself once. That’s God. I hear countless stories of people way worse off than me, and once again I see how incredibly blessed I am.
Today, I got the opportunity at work to meet the “Listed Sisters” of HGTV: Lex and Alana LeBlanc. This is significant to this blog and to my deep brain stimulation story because this is the show that Jason, the nurse anesthetist that I had during the awake part of my deep brain stimulation surgery, was almost on. He was asking me all about my job and what I did (in an effort to keep me calm, no doubt!). When he learned I work for HGTV, he told me about how he and his wife almost got on the show, “Listed Sisters”. But their house was deemed “too good” to actually be used on the show. Well, fast forward to today when there was a meet and greet at work with none other than the Listed Sisters! When I met them today, I told them my story and they remembered Jason and his family. It’s incredibly funny to me how life has a way of circling back around. I HAD to get a picture with them, because, although they didn’t know it, they were a part of my DBS story. :)
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| L-R: Lex LeBlanc, my co-worker, Debbie, me, Alana LeBlanc |
I know that God’s got a plan in all of this. I just know. I have faith. What trips me up (haha, see what I did there?!) is that I, myself, get in the way. So, I pray that His will be done and not my own. Here’s to another week of seeing what electrifying things God’s going to do!
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