It's Getting Real

Yesterday I got my "surgery road map" in the mail from Vanderbilt and it's now hit me that this is getting real; this is happening. I'm kind of freaking out. My prayer has been, is and will continue to be that God will just lay this out for me in black and white and that I will know instantly whether I should go forward with getting the Baclofen pump implanted or not. The last time I asked God to give me direction in black and white, He answered by LITERALLY giving me an answer in black and white, so I'm excited to see the way He answers this request!

I'm starting to freak out a little though because this is the first time that something is actually happening to me. I mean, I'm not just going to talk to doctors or discuss a plan of action. I know I've had the psych evaluation and I've had the physical therapy evaluation, but this time the action is actually happening and it may hurt. Haha. Yes, I'm nervous about the spinal tap. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I've had several people say that it's no big deal, but then I've had several people say it hurts a lot. I've had a couple people tell me to just not look at the needle. So, I guess I'll just have to have my own story and figure it out for myself. The nurse practitioner I saw back in October seemed really surprised that I had lived to 35 and had never had a spinal tap before. I've never been pregnant, so I've never had an epidural and relatively speaking I've been pretty healthy (excluding the not being able to walk part!), so I've never had the need for one.

Anyway, it's 10 days out until I head to Vanderbilt. I have to arrive on Sunday, November 15 because beds at the hospital are at a premium. I don't have the spinal tap until Monday, November 16. I really have no idea what to expect and I think in this case that may be best. This is all uncharted territory for me (but hopefully not for the doctors!). The main goal: for me to walk without assistance. It's as black and white for me as that. If the Baclofen pump works - yay! If not, it's on to the next thing.

I am acutely aware that there are people out there experiencing and going through MUCH worse scenarios than I am. People dealing with cancer or catastrophic illnesses and diseases. Sometimes, I feel really selfish that all I'm dealing with is not being able to walk unassisted. When I whine or complain or feel sorry for myself, I do feel selfish. Some people can't walk at all. Some people can't work. Some people can hardly sit up in bed. I ache for those people. It hurts my heart to hear of all the suffering in the world. And in my tiny corner of the world, I can't walk unassisted and no one knows why. I wasn't born that way. In fact for 25 years (OK, maybe more like 24, since I didn't walk the first year of life), I was able to walk and run and do "normal" stuff and then I hit 25 and things changed and I started tripping, losing my balance and falling. And for 10 years I've been on a journey to figure out how to walk again. November 15 and 16 may or may not change the way I walk and I've got to accept that. But it's hope and hope is something that God ordained for me to have in this journey. Sometimes, I lose sight of that, but it is what I cling to. My God is a big God with a big agenda for me. All I must do is put my hope in Him, stand still and let Him work.