Tune-In-Tuesday: July 3, 2018

Happy 3rd of July, everyone! What's the 3rd of July, you ask? It's the day before the 4th of July. :) I hope everyone is having a wonderful week so far. The past week was better for me walking-wise than the week before, so I'm thankful for that! Every day seemed to get better than the previous - progress, I love it! I'm not saying that the week was without issues, there's always going to be issues, but as I think back over it, it was good. God provides. ALL THE TIME. God provides. I laugh when I think back at all the times He shows up. Maybe I shouldn't phrase it like - He's ALWAYS there. I love when He allows me to see that He's always by my side. The things I worry and fret over, He's already got the answer to. So why do I worry and fret? That's the million dollar question. I worry and fret because I'm human and sinful, but God's already got the answer to each and every worry and fret - Do not be anxious about anything!!! (Phil 4:6).

I got an INSANE idea this week. First, let me back up a little bit. As I've been doing yoga weekly, I've gotten to know my yoga instructor better (duh, if you hang out with a person, you tend to get to know them a little - haha). Anyway, a couple of months ago she mentioned that she was doing some self-care of her own. She was seeing what she could add or subtract from her life, for a week, a month...however long she desired. Like, could she give coffee up for a week? She wanted to practice doing handstands. Stuff like that. She inspired me. This past week as July was approaching, I got an insane idea. For the month of July, I want to practice doing push-ups. See, I told you it was an INSANE idea! Who is this person that's overtaken my body? Really - push-ups?!! I've never wanted to do push-ups in my life - never. And yet, all the sudden I want to do them. And let me tell you, it's NOT going to be easy. I can BARELY and I do mean BARELY even do 3 right now. But, I'm going to try it - to give it my best shot. No, I'm not going to try. I'm going to DO. Yes. I'm going to do.

I had yoga tonight and told my instructor of my plans. I said I needed someone to keep me accountable - which is the truth! So now, I can't go back on it. One very, very good thing about me wanting to do push-ups is that I don't know how to do them. So she doesn't have to undo bad habits that I may have learned from doing them, if that had been the case. So, tonight we began training on the push-ups. Ya'll, I'm terrible. TERRIBLE. But, I have the desire and that's 99% of it, right?! (I'm trying to build myself up here - ha!)

This whole push-up thing brought back memories of my very beginning days of exercising. I had (and still do have) a stationary bike. When I decided to try exercise, I couldn't do more than 5 minutes on the bike. Seriously, I was DYING trying to reach 5 minutes. And it was torture - TORTURE. But, in reality, I didn't die and I made it through and I felt so good about myself. So, I worked out for 5 minutes every day for a week. The next week, I raised it to 10 minutes and I was dying all over again, but I stuck with it. And now, it's no big deal for me to do an hour. I'm NOT saying that to brag. Truly, I'm not. I'm saying it to remind myself that if I'm consistent and committed to something, I can tackle it. So, for July it's push-ups. I probably have no idea what I've I gotten myself into, but here goes nothing!

I must, must, must strengthen my core, if I'm going to do push-ups, so that's what we worked on tonight. It's going to be hard, but it's going to be worth it, when results start taking shape.

My other goal for July: read my Bible, specifically the Old Testament. I'm taking my dad's challenge to read the Old Testament this year. And yes, that's not a misprint, I said this year. And yes, we are in July. And yes, I'm just starting. I've confessed. You can be a preacher's daughter and still not do what you're supposed to! My friend, Kristen, found a chart to get us through the entire Old Testament starting July 1 and ending in December. And one more confession: I'm already behind. So tonight, I've got two days worth of reading to do. It's amazing though what reading through the Bible can do for you. My yoga instructor and I were talking tonight about what it means to be strong. What it means to be strong can mean a million different things and being strong is different for everyone. You can be physically strong. You can be emotionally strong. You can be spiritually strong. So while I'm trying in one way to be physically strong, I'm also prepping myself to be spiritually strong by building my core foundation: going back to the "basics" and reading my Bible. I hate to admit that, just like in physical strengthening, sometimes I slack off on spiritual strengthening. So it's back to God's Word I go.

As long as we have breath in our lungs, it's never too late to start something new. It may be challenging. It may be hard. We may think we're going to die doing it, but in ALL circumstances...God's God This!!

Tune-In-Tuesday: June 26, 2018

For the past few weeks, I’ve been blessed to be walking pretty near “perfect” for me. God’s allowed me to be aware of this and to savor it. It’s been fantastic. I’ve been overjoyed. My co-workers even started commenting that they had never seen me walk better. Walking was coming easier. Tuesday through Saturday of last week was no different. I felt free! Then came Sunday. Walking was a bit more of a struggle. At first, I chalked it up to being nervous. I still haven’t “conquered” the church parking lot. Haha. That should be the place that I feel the most at ease because it’s church and everyone’s willing to help. However, for me, I still get nervous. I did make it everywhere I needed to go without falling – halleluiah! Monday, I struggled. My balance was off. Again, no falls, but only by the grace of God! I tried to get up early on Monday to work-out and do some (at-home) yoga, but couldn’t get myself out of bed. I think this was God knowing that I would need the workout and yoga AFTER work, just to let myself know that even though walking wasn’t the greatest, I am still able to do things! Today, walking was better than yesterday, but still not as great as it has been.

One thing I’m kind of proud of myself for recognizing is that yesterday I found myself starting to say, “Today is a bad day.” But I caught myself and reminded myself that “Today is not a bad day, it’s a bad moment in a good day.” I have more of an Eeyore perspective on life than a Tigger perspective, but I’m slowly, mindfully, turning that perspective around. There is so much to be thankful for, so much to be joyful for. No one likes a pessimist all the time. I know that. It’s harder than you think though to turn a natural tendency around. 😉

I found this quote from Joni Eareckaon Tada and it completely spoke to me. If you don't know Joni's story, Google it. I promise you won't be disappointed. She says: "During those bouts of hopelessness, I lose my ability to see life from a biblical perspective...but when I fix my spiritual eyes on the Blessed Hope, I'm able to see life from above! With God's hope in my heart, life is no longer small. Life has purpose. Life is an adventure to be lived!"

I found this quote on Facebook and loved it:

And this Bible verse always brings me comfort when I'm feeling weak and insignificant and defeated:

Everyone has their struggles in life, don’t we? I’m trying exceedingly hard to find out how God intends to use my struggles for His good. Sometimes, He gives me glimpses of how He's doing that and other times (and more than often), I must trust that He knows best and He’ll use my struggles for His glory. And in the end, that’s all that matters! I know in everything though that God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: June 19, 2018

Last Tuesday was my birthday. If I remember correctly, my mom once told me that I was born a week early. I wasn’t due until June 19. Well today is June 19th – so let the party continue!! Haha. It totally fits my personality that I was a week early. I must be 15 minutes early to everything, which drives my mom crazy. But, I’m getting better at that and try to arrive right on time. 😊 Thank you for all the birthday wishes via Facebook, calls, texts, cards, food and presents. It was a fantastic day.

Looking over the gifts I received, I realized that a lot of them had to do with walking. My grandmother gave me a Max Lucado book entitled, “Walking with the Savior”. My brother and sister-in-law (OK, let’s be honest, my sister-in-law thought of it, picked it out and probably used her own money to buy it. 😊) gave me a bracelet that says, “God is within her, she will not fall”. My friend, Kristen, gave me a wall hanging that says, “Walk by Faith”. My mom picked out the most on-point, relevant birthday card ever that spoke of walking. It was a “themed” birthday party that I didn’t know was themed until I looked back on it! It was wonderful. And to go along with it, God gave me the gift of walking well. The past week, I’ve had a much easier time walking. There’s been a few challenges, but overall, walking came more natural and for that I’m eternally grateful. The pessimist in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop (pun intended 😉) and for me to start having bad days, but I am so very filled with joy, that for now, I’m walking well.

As for the other issues I deal with (mainly the one I revealed in last week’s post), I’m overwhelmed with the kindness shown. And although everyone has been kind, just thinking about it and writing about it brought up old issues and I’ve had some bad moments. I almost wrote that I’ve had bad days, but really, they are bad moments in good days. How cocky of me to think that I had conquered certain areas. Eating different foods, getting out of routine – while all fun and needed at times, caused me to react in ways that were less than ideal. But God is still ruler and through His loving kindness, and help from professionals, I got through those moments and am hopefully back on track. God is good and merciful and helps me through.

Whether it be walking issues, eating issues, ANY kind of issues, I am eternally grateful that…GOD’s GOT THIS.

June 12, 2018: The Big Reveal

I have had an absolutely amazing day! It’s my birthday and it couldn’t have been better. I took the day off work and spent it with my mom and my nieces. We played all day! My nieces (who are 3 and 2) “helped” their Granna (my mom) make my birthday cake as well as my brother’s birthday cake. If you don’t know us, yes, my brother and I share a birthday but no, we are not twins – we’re 7 years apart. 😉 I usually have yoga on Tuesday nights but my yoga instructor is also a massage therapist, so this week I got a massage and it was fabulous. Walking has been amazing today. God answered my prayer that it wouldn’t rain or be gloomy out. My dad grilled out steaks for dinner and the whole family celebrated tonight. The being together, the playing, the laughing, the loving, the eating, the gifts: everything was absolutely wonderful.

Since it’s Tuesday though and I usually write a blog post on Tuesdays, I’m still writing one, but this will be a little different tonight. I’ve prayed about writing and posting about this and while I’m nervous, I also think I’m ready. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while you know that I’m very black and white. I tend to be a perfectionist. I’ve been very transparent on my struggles with dystonia and wanting to walk normally, however, something very few people in my life know is that I’ve also been struggling with food issues for almost (in August officially) 8 years. Some call it an eating disorder. It’s been a very shameful and humbling thing for me to acknowledge. So, for the most part, I don’t acknowledge it publicly. But, in the past two weeks, I’ve felt like maybe it was time to reveal this “secret”.

I’m not writing this post to gain sympathy, empathy, affirmation, confirmation or for advice or for shock value or for any other reason except to get it off my chest. For the past 8 years, I’ve felt like I’ve been somewhat lying to people by omission, by not saying anything about my “secret” struggle. I’ve made mention in this blog before that I see a nutritionist. She’s a registered dietitian and nutritionist. I also see a therapist. For some reason, it’s much easier to talk about a dietitian/nutritionist then it is to also say that I see a therapist. At the eating disorder’s worst, I was seeing the therapist 3 times a week. Now, I see her every two weeks. I’ve come to a place where I’m removed enough, healthy enough to share about my experiences, but I’m still hesitant. There’s a shame that comes with being labeled as having an “eating disorder”. I haven’t wanted to share about this part of my life because I’ve been embarrassed by it. When something is physically wrong with you, you can blame it on a disease, but there’s a stigma with eating disorders that says, “just stop…you’re doing it to yourself…just stop and you’ll be OK.” Believe me, I’ve been on that side. I’ve even said those words to people (if not out loud, in my head!).

To just get it out there, I don’t have anorexia or bulimia. To look at me, I don’t look anorexic and I don’t throw up my food. I thought that those were the only two eating disorders out there. To my surprise, they are not. When I was first diagnosed, it was as a binge eater. That’s someone who will eat and eat and eat, but not purge. I’d feel so guilty for eating so much though that I would go for long stretches without eating. It ended up being this cycle of eating until I couldn’t eat anymore and then restricting until I couldn’t restrict anymore and I couldn’t get off the merry-go-round. I was extremely overweight and miserable. A few years into my diagnosis, the eating disorder flipped. I didn’t know it could do that, but it can and did. I had, with the help of the dietitian and the therapist, lost weight and was feeling wonderful. I was no longer binging, but my main “offense” was restricting. I was so sure that at any minute, I would start gaining weight back and I didn’t want that to happen at all. I was on a good eating program, but the thoughts inside my head were that if I was losing so much weight following that program, I could do so much better if I was eating even less. So, I ate less. Then my therapist and my dietitian came up with a novel idea. Some of you know that I eat ice cream every night (or close to every night). Only a select few know that I’m actually “ordered” to eat it so that I’m eating enough calories per day. While I love it now, I was TERRIFIED to do it at first. I had to trust that my dietitian and therapist knew what they were doing. In all actuality, neither of them had ever tried that approach with a patient before. A registered dietitian “prescribing” ice cream every night?! That wasn’t heard of. It was my therapist’s idea and she convinced the dietitian to go along – haha! Thankfully, at the time, I didn’t know that they had never tried this approach, so I just went along. While it might sound like the “perfect” remedy, let me tell you, it was (and at times still is!) hard. And yes, while I eat ice cream (almost) every night, that doesn’t mean I’ll eat it in front of people or out at an ice cream shop with people. I still must know how many calories are in the ice cream and I measure it out each night.

I want to help people that may be in the same space I’m in. I haven’t written this post to blame anyone or to seek attention in any way. In fact, I’ve almost backed out of posting this several times already. I don’t want my revelation to look bad on anyone in my family, for they are not the root or the cause of any of this. The eating issues that I deal with are my issues and are not caused by anyone. I’ll probably write more about this on the blog at some point, but for right now, for tonight, I think this is enough. I’ve found myself “slipping up” more recently and I was afraid that if I didn’t start acknowledging the eating issues in a more public way that I would get “caught” at some point and I’d rather reveal things on my own time frame rather than having to backtrack. I really do hope that this “reveal” will be able to help someone, or, if for nothing else, just free me to be more myself. I’ve known all along and continue to know that God’s got my back. Being a Christian doesn’t exempt me from struggling with the way I look or how much I weigh. I often think to myself that I’m not a good Christian because I do struggle with image issues, but then I’m reminded that God never said we would have perfect lives, that we wouldn’t struggle. I have faith that God works ALL things together for HIS good, even the issues we may bring on ourselves. He is a loving Father who forgives us and helps us.

I’ll end this post by saying that God has blessed me beyond measure and I still know and hold firm to the fact that God’s Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: June 5, 2018

Warm, sunny, summer days - oh how I love them! It's June - my most favorite month. Hi everyone! Thanks for stopping by and reading this post.

I was at my parent's house a lot this past weekend and took some pictures of their pretty flowers. They say, "summer" to me!

Last week, I got a present and it's not even my birthday (that's next week - ha!). The man who's responsible for my love of motorcycles gave it to me and I love it! Thank you, Dale. It was totally unexpected and totally wonderful!

Last week had it's highs and lows as each week (and each day) does, but overall it was a great week for me walking wise. I didn't fall and felt sturdier on my feet. That's not to say I didn't have my moments or my problems, but overall it was good. The only fall I took was when doing a forward fold while doing yoga at home. I got too comfortable (or maybe I fell asleep - haha) and lost my balance. I'm glad there was no one around to watch that. ;)

I continue to learn new things in yoga. I love my instructor and I love that she creates these "homework sheets" for me, complete with drawings! Yoga continues to remain both a challenge for me to overcome and exercise to strengthen me.

This will be a shorter post tonight because I'm having major writer's block. I can't seem to think of anything to say (or write), so because of this, you get a short post (which I'm sure you're thankful for!).

I do know that whether I continue to have wonderful walking days or if I wake up unable to keep my balance to save my life, The Lord is in and through every second of every day and God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: May 29, 2018

Happy Tuesday, everyone! Yes, it is Tuesday, although if you're like me, today felt like a Monday. I hope everyone had a safe and blessed Memorial Day weekend - the unofficial beginning of summer!!! It certainly felt like summer where I was this weekend. The family, in 4 separate cars, made our way to Wisconsin to see my cousin, Ben get married. We left the rain, but took the heat with us. At times the temperature reached 100 degrees. I loved it though! I love warm weather, so I can't complain!

I had a wonderful walking week, although my walking in Wisconsin wasn't as great as it was in Knoxville or as great as I wanted it to be. It was still much better than it has been. I did use my Dad or Mom to help me get around though. I just wasn't as confident as I was hoping to be. I think trying to keep up with everyone was a factor. I can walk rather normally and with more confidence if I walk at my own pace, but trying to keep up with people makes me nervous.

I had a blast seeing all my relatives. It's intriguing to me that when we all get together, I start to see that we are truly family. We live so far apart from each other most of the time, that when we get together, I notice things like who I get my love of TV from (my Uncle Chris), who has curly hair besides myself (my cousin Nathan). I could go on, but I think you get the picture. It's fun to recognize stuff like that. One last trait I recognized was that I do have a lot of my mom in me (haha, I already knew this!). I realized at the reception that ALL of my first cousins were in the same place at the same time. So, I orchestrated a picture of all of use lined up in birth order. There are 11 of us cousins. One girl. TEN boys. Yes, folks, that means I am the sole girl in a gaggle of boys. 10 boys. This should clue you in to why I am ecstatic to finally have 2 nieces to spoil. I've been surrounded by boys my entire life!! On another note, I'm the oldest. On yet another note, of the 11 of us, 1 has a birthday on June 11 (Nathan) and 3 of us (yes, that's right...3 of us) have a birthday on June 12 (myself, my brother Stanton and my cousin Lukas). And on one final note...my grandparent's oldest grandchild (me) and youngest grandchild (Lukas) were born on the same day, 28 years apart. I'm not sure why I felt the need to include all of that here on the blog, but now you know!

I did something at this wedding that I've never done before: I sang karaoke. I made my cousin Phil's wife, Kim (I guess that would make her my cousin too!), do it with me. We had a blast. I sang horribly, but it was so much fun. I just let loose and it was freeing and absolutely fantastic. We sang "I've Got Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks and "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner. We sang back-up on several other songs and ended the night singing "American Pie" by Don McLean. I had absolutely NO intention of singing. None. I didn't even know there was going to be karaoke, but I threw caution to the wind and just belted it out and it was epic. So, so, so fun!!!!!! Kim and I are booking gigs, so if you want us at your next gig, contact our agent (Phil). Hurry though, we're being booked fast. ;)

Saturday night, as I was sitting at the wedding reception, I looked out and this thought came to mind, "Life sure is messy, but life is also so beautiful." We all have our problems and issues. Some of us have more problems and issues than others, but that's what makes us human. What also makes us human is to be able to celebrate with those who celebrate, like at weddings. Do I wish I could walk with out any problems at all? Of course I do! But that's not where God has me right now and that's OK. Learning to be content (content, NOT complacent) where I am is going to feel awesome, when I get there. ;) And, yes, I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. God's still growing me and molding me and guiding me. I still danced. I got to sing karaoke (by the way, I really hope there is no video evidence of this). I had fun. I lived life. I'm glad I made the trek up to Wisconsin. It was well worth it to rejoice with Ben and Micaela and celebrate with not only them but the entire extended family.

I think since having the deep brain stimulation surgery, I've been more adventurous. Grant it, I never was a huge adventurer to begin with, but I'm starting to do things that I previously would have been too embarrassed and/or shy to do. This could also be due to my age. My parents have always told me the older you get the more you just don't care really what others may think of you. Having the DBS surgery has made me loosen up a little bit though. I'm not as scared to try new things. My newest "want" is to go horseback riding. I've done it before, but it's been years and I really want to do it again. ;)

I had yoga tonight and it was fantastic. I feel so much better about myself after a session. Tonight we did restorative yoga. It was gentler and more peaceful. At first, I really wanted to do more physical stuff, but what I wanted and what I needed were two different things. I got what I needed (without really even knowing I needed it) and it was absolutely perfect.

I can't believe another week has come and gone. Some days are rougher than others, but all in all, life is a beautiful blessing. I love seeing where the Lord leads. With Him at the helm, life is always an adventure. I know always that God's Got This!

Tune-In-Tuesday: May 22, 2018

As I write this blog post tonight, I'm reflecting on the week that was and thanking Jesus for it. It was pretty great. Not perfect, but wonderful all the same. There weren't any life-changing events that took place, but walking was better! Sure, there were times when it wasn't great, but for the most part, walking came a little easier and for that, I praise Jesus.

It was either Wednesday or Thursday that I tripped. I was at home and I even remember thinking, "Oh this is going to hurt." because I was on tile floor. But, just as sure as I thought I was going to fall, I didn't. My leg held. I attribute that to Divine intervention and to the strengthening of my legs. Yesterday, as I was leaving work, I saw someone (from a distance) trip. She didn't fall, but could have. It just made me realize again that everyone at some point trips, slips or falls.

If you know me, you know I'm not a daredevil. I'm very cautious and reserved for the most part. But there is one thing, since brain surgery, that I've fallen in love with. I never in a million years would have thought I'd fall in love with it, but I have. It's riding a motorcycle. I know it's dangerous, but so is walking across the street sometimes. Friends at church caught on to my desire to ride a motorcycle and a year ago, I rode for the first time. It was a blast! On Saturday, I got to ride again with the same friends. The first time was kind of short, but this second time was a little longer: 131 miles. It was so much fun. The wind in my hair, the speed, the views...everything was spectacular. I pondered why I like riding so much and came to this conclusion: I can't walk fast. Maybe I'll get that back someday, but for today, I can't. Since I can't walk or move fast, I find myself wanting to be "fast" in other areas of my life. Riding a motorcycle fulfills that want/need. I tend to be a fast driver too, according to my dad. I'm working on this and slowing it down, but I just like to be fast. I don't want to be dangerous or reckless, just fast. :) I really am trying to be conscience though of my speed in a car.

Sunday, I had a little trouble getting into church, but God provided a friend (Whitney) to help me in. Again, I wanted to walk fast, but the harder I tried, the more problems I had. I was again reminded that sometimes the simple touch of a hand can calm my muscles. This was evident in walking up to and back from communion. I held my niece, Hope's hand and had no problems walking. Hope's two. There would be no way she'd be able to catch me if I fell, but the simple touch of her hand in mine calmed me so much that I didn't even think about falling.

Sunday night, I had a horrible night's sleep. I don't know what was with me, but I woke up at 2 am and couldn't go back to sleep. Needless to say, I was struggling yesterday to stay awake. I decided to go to bed super early last night. I was in bed at 8:40 pm. The next thing I knew my alarm was going off this morning. I had a superb night's sleep. Today was beautiful. I walked with confidence. I love days like today when walking comes more natural. I didn't struggle as much. Thank you, Jesus! Yoga tonight was fantastic. I learned new things. I adapted. I did. I tried everything. My instructor was surprised by some of the things I could do. There were other things that had to be adapted, but I still did them. I'll never know what I can or can't do unless I try. That was the theme of the night. I did things that surprised both my instructor and myself. And then there were things that I thought would come easy that didn't necessarily come easy. But it's all OK. I'm still learning to give myself grace. In the meantime, I have my yoga instructor to help me in that area - haha!

It was a beautiful week last week. For in the little things, I found my greatest joy. Life doesn't have to have earth-shattering moments to be memorable and enjoyable. God grants us pleasure in the little things as well. I'm reflecting on those "little" things that turn into big things. Thank you, Jesus for granting me more ease in walking and more confidence in facing those times when walking didn't come as easy. I will always remember that "God's Got This!".